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Ok Mikey, Time for an Update
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 42638" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>Went to a couple of Nar-Anon meetings, didn't really fit in as most of the other members were parents with older children - and were also much more hardcore (it's easy for them to tell me to kick my kid out when their kids are already an average of 22 years old). Needless to say, I didn't fit in there.</p><p></p><p>Did AA and another twelve-step program for many years, for myself. That experience is why I truly understand that I can't do anything for him that he doesn't want done, and all I can control is myself. wife never had the "benefit" of a 12 step program, so she doesn't understand my position. However, my experience makes it both easier <strong>and</strong> harder for me to deal with my son, knowing that the best I can do is offer him guidance and opportunity, but ultimately doing the best I can for him without further damaging myself or the rest of my family.</p><p></p><p>As an aside, the big blowup I've been expecting for a week or so happened tonight. difficult child came home (not stoned), but an hour past when he said he'd be home. While we disagree on some things, wife and I tried to present a unified front and talk serious with difficult child about his 'reverting' since he's recovered from his recent illnesses. Needless to say, that went over like a used diaper in the punchbowl. In less than three days, he's back to the old, grouchy stoner he was before he got sick.</p><p></p><p>We didn't let him draw us into a fight, though. We calmly explained that we would always love him, but that there may come a point where we didn't like him. And, if he really tried, he could make it more painful for us to have him around than to have him gone, regardless of how much we love him. (queue up the rolling eyes, deep sighs, drumming fingers and staring at the ceiling by difficult child...)</p><p></p><p>Ultimately, I said that I preferred the person he was when he was sick (and sober) to this nasty malcontent he's morphed into over the last three days since he started using again. And that, while we were obligated to provide him with room and board until he was 18 and out of school, that might be all he gets until he's asked to pursue his life goals elsewhere.</p><p></p><p>And we meant it.</p><p></p><p>I also asked him to take five minutes to be objective and take a real good look at his life. Given the path he's currently taking, I wanted him to decide if he was really happy, if he truly liked the people he was with, if he really felt like he was accomplishing anyting with his current activity, and whether or not he liked what he thought his life would be in two years. And was he willing to sacrifice his relationship with his family when he leaves in 18 months for pot and a bunch of loser friends that only mooch off him.</p><p></p><p>If he did that, and was content with what he saw, then I said that he was not the child I knew and loved, and that I would have to sadly say goodbye to the child I thought I had raised and learn to "get along" with this uncomfortable stranger he'd become.</p><p></p><p>But if he decided that he wasn't happy, and had the cojones to admit that his life was FUBAR and he needed help, then I was only a step away, and would happily do whatever was necessary to help him change his life.</p><p></p><p>His choice. He knows this now. And while I didn't put a timetable on it, he knows that he doesn't have much time to decide how his remaining time in my house and with his family will be.</p><p></p><p>On another note, I broached the subject of the clinical study with him. He was completely resistant to any kind of "therapy" or "shrinks" or "rehab" - until I told him that they'd pay him 100 dollars/ month for four months, and that I might sweeten the deal as well. Now he wants to do it, but said that he just wanted the money. </p><p></p><p>So now here's the problem: is it better to get him into treatment, regardless of his intitial motivation, or is it a waste of time and likely to cause him more ODD problems down the road? Remember, he's nearly 18 and can choose to quit any time; I can't force him to go, and it's not that kind of program anyway.</p><p></p><p>I'm reminded of an episode of "Intervention" where the interventionist talked to the family before the victim, er, addict came in. He said "we're just looking for him to say he'll go to rehab. We don't care why he goes, just that he'll go. The moment he says he'll go - for any reason - the intervention is over and he's on his way to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)".</p><p></p><p>Is this situation with my son similar? Is it better to have him go, even if his only intention is to BS his way through the sessions to get the money?</p><p></p><p>ARGH!!!!</p><p></p><p> :hypnosis:</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 42638, member: 3579"] Went to a couple of Nar-Anon meetings, didn't really fit in as most of the other members were parents with older children - and were also much more hardcore (it's easy for them to tell me to kick my kid out when their kids are already an average of 22 years old). Needless to say, I didn't fit in there. Did AA and another twelve-step program for many years, for myself. That experience is why I truly understand that I can't do anything for him that he doesn't want done, and all I can control is myself. wife never had the "benefit" of a 12 step program, so she doesn't understand my position. However, my experience makes it both easier [b]and[/b] harder for me to deal with my son, knowing that the best I can do is offer him guidance and opportunity, but ultimately doing the best I can for him without further damaging myself or the rest of my family. As an aside, the big blowup I've been expecting for a week or so happened tonight. difficult child came home (not stoned), but an hour past when he said he'd be home. While we disagree on some things, wife and I tried to present a unified front and talk serious with difficult child about his 'reverting' since he's recovered from his recent illnesses. Needless to say, that went over like a used diaper in the punchbowl. In less than three days, he's back to the old, grouchy stoner he was before he got sick. We didn't let him draw us into a fight, though. We calmly explained that we would always love him, but that there may come a point where we didn't like him. And, if he really tried, he could make it more painful for us to have him around than to have him gone, regardless of how much we love him. (queue up the rolling eyes, deep sighs, drumming fingers and staring at the ceiling by difficult child...) Ultimately, I said that I preferred the person he was when he was sick (and sober) to this nasty malcontent he's morphed into over the last three days since he started using again. And that, while we were obligated to provide him with room and board until he was 18 and out of school, that might be all he gets until he's asked to pursue his life goals elsewhere. And we meant it. I also asked him to take five minutes to be objective and take a real good look at his life. Given the path he's currently taking, I wanted him to decide if he was really happy, if he truly liked the people he was with, if he really felt like he was accomplishing anyting with his current activity, and whether or not he liked what he thought his life would be in two years. And was he willing to sacrifice his relationship with his family when he leaves in 18 months for pot and a bunch of loser friends that only mooch off him. If he did that, and was content with what he saw, then I said that he was not the child I knew and loved, and that I would have to sadly say goodbye to the child I thought I had raised and learn to "get along" with this uncomfortable stranger he'd become. But if he decided that he wasn't happy, and had the cojones to admit that his life was FUBAR and he needed help, then I was only a step away, and would happily do whatever was necessary to help him change his life. His choice. He knows this now. And while I didn't put a timetable on it, he knows that he doesn't have much time to decide how his remaining time in my house and with his family will be. On another note, I broached the subject of the clinical study with him. He was completely resistant to any kind of "therapy" or "shrinks" or "rehab" - until I told him that they'd pay him 100 dollars/ month for four months, and that I might sweeten the deal as well. Now he wants to do it, but said that he just wanted the money. So now here's the problem: is it better to get him into treatment, regardless of his intitial motivation, or is it a waste of time and likely to cause him more ODD problems down the road? Remember, he's nearly 18 and can choose to quit any time; I can't force him to go, and it's not that kind of program anyway. I'm reminded of an episode of "Intervention" where the interventionist talked to the family before the victim, er, addict came in. He said "we're just looking for him to say he'll go to rehab. We don't care why he goes, just that he'll go. The moment he says he'll go - for any reason - the intervention is over and he's on his way to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)". Is this situation with my son similar? Is it better to have him go, even if his only intention is to BS his way through the sessions to get the money? ARGH!!!! [img]:hypnosis:[/img] Mikey [/QUOTE]
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