OK - So Here's what Happened...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Jan 5, 2011.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    As you can tell from the thread I deleted earlier...I found some things that made me really, really frantic...

    I have been aware that difficult child has been "sniffing around" some much older guys the last few weeks- but I didn't have much more than my tingling Mommy-senses to go on. You may remember, we have a "Web Watcher" program on our computer...well, I checked it today and discovered a whole IM conversation between difficult child and a twenty-something in which they discuss her age, the legal implications of their dating and/or having sex AND in which difficult child assures him that she can arrange a plan for the two of them to sneak around without being caught by parents.

    His response to her planning was 'Me Likey".

    (Did you feel your stomache lurch? Yea, me too...)

    My initial reaction was one of helplessness - I don't have the slightest idea of who this guy is or where they might have met. All I had was the Facebook name.

    Then it dawned on me that the printed messages might be enough to be considered "Soliciting a Minor". I looked up the penal code for this area... Sure enough - a Felony.

    Did I really want to go this route? Pretty serious accusation...

    I decided to at least go talk with police and see what they said. husband and I were not interested in getting anyone branded a sex-offender..but maybe police could give this guy a good stern warning?

    I talked to an officer who didn't have much advice - other than keep difficult child of the computer. He passed my papers on to an investigator...who is supposed to get back to me tomorrow.

    Meanwhile, husband was absolutely FUMING!!! And he wanted to confront difficult child - which you KNOW was just going to be an ugly scene, no matter what. I can't handle these violent outburts any more...they just scare the koi out of me!

    So when husband got home from work - I took DS and ran some errands. I had to get out of there...

    husband tells me it wasn't too bad. He kept his voice very calm and he told her right up front that she needed to consider her reaction, because if she got even the slightest bit out of control he was calling the cops.

    So her contronted her. Told her she was grounded. Banned her from the compuer. Cancelled her FB account and changed all of the passwords.

    She tried to argue that she needs the computer for schoolwork.

    He told her "Tough".

    So difficult child is furious...and not the slightest bit sorry...she is only sorry she got caught.

    She claims that she met this guy through another friend and suspected that he might be a pedophile...so she was messaging him in order to lure him into a trap so that he would get arrested and go to jail.

    And now that we've notified police - she hopes he is SOOO angry that he comes over here and kills us all.

    So that was the worst of it so far...

    I don't know what the ramifications of the police investigation will be. I don't know this 20-something at all...

    Yes, he should have known better,


    I don't know if I over-reacted...

    I'm still upset...

    And I forwarded all the info to our caseworker...

    I think I am going to BEG them for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement at the TSP meeting in a few weeks.

    If I don't have a stroke before then...
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    She's now luring pedophiles so they get caught? Well I guess its all okay then. :hammer:
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm surprised husband didn't hunt him down on the sly for a "stern talking-to". Or in Dad language, a quick mention of firearms, shovels, and places few living humans can find.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, TM, you beat me to it. ;)

    Daisyface, I am sighing with relief that nothing has happened. So far.
    I think you've done all the right things, including driving away with-your DS to take a break while the confrontation happened. Sounds like husband handled it well.
    In fact, as well as could be expected under the circumstances. I was way angrier with-our easy child tonight because of the cavalier way she has handled 4 pkng tickets, a speeding ticket, hitting a deer, and being rear-ended, and losing her insurance paperwork, the police reports and ph #s. If your daughter were mine, I truly would have stroked out.

    I am just shaking my head about your difficult child, and thinking that the emerging borderline diagnosis is apt. I am so sorry. Very scary stuff.

    I think you and your husband deserve a Cool Parenting Award.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sounds like you did the right thing. I hope that when the detective contacts you that he can get the info from the guy's ISP or FB account to nail him as a pedophile, because that IS what he is. Esp as he KNEW her age and that it is ILLEGAL. in my opinion there is no guy worth spitting on if he was on fire who would have responded to her that way, or even entered the conversation once her age was listed. husband has discussed the daughter of one of his mom's coworkers who was about 15 or 16 when he was in college. Her entire high school thought that husband was her boyfriend - he was 19 at the time. He was asked by him mom to show her around town ONE TIME because she was looking at the university. He did. THen she started this koi, including telling her friends she was intimate with him. He heard about it when his little sister did through the sister of one of her friends. His ENTIRE reaction was to be completely creeped out by the THOUGHT of "dating" her, much less doing anything remotely intimate. NOT because she was ugly, or dumb or anything unpleasant. JUST because she was so young. His access to college women didn't hurt.

    Please be aware that many colleges have guys now who just do not CARE how old a female is as long as she doesn't say no. She can be unconscious and it isn't a problem, only fighting them off is. Sadly in our town it is the fraternities that are teh WORST at this kind of immorality - mainly the really expensive ones because the parents can buy the kids out of trouble - and they DO. So your daughter may find nasty males in many circles, but ONLY those not worth the name will be "interested".

    I am SO SORRY that you have to deal with this. Social networking sites make it FAR too easy for this to go on.

    Your husband is awesome for handling this, esp in a way that made it clear that raging was NOT an option. If the guy comes to "kill" you, I hope you and husband have some way to thwart him. I doubt he will - girls her age with families who would make things easy for him seem to abound. Hopefully he will just think she is too much trouble AND the cops will go after him in a BIG way.

    in my opinion if the cops come to you wanting to charge him, PLEASE support them. Even if you must drag difficult child through the process - this guy DESERVES a sex offender label and to spend his LIFE as a registered sex offender. I have seen a LOT of guys who got away with it in their early 20s who still want teenage girls in their 30s and 40s. It is an UGLY thing. The ones I have seen have gotten high paying jobs through fraternity connections and/or jobs like drug co reps. Then they provide their children with alcohol and $$ for parties and "enjoy" their friends. Or they go back as alumnae of the fraternities and prey on the girls who attend those parties. The high school girls in our town know which frats will welcome and intoxicate them, and they know how they will be expected to "pay" for the "privileges" of attending. I am NOT joking. It is a MAJOR reason that I dropped a couple of guys my parents really really liked. I got wind of what they did with their "brothers" and was grossed out - even in high school. I know for a FACT that 2 of them are at parties here on at least a monthly basis. Sadly they are BIG contributors to local and state political campaigns so the few times the police have been involved these creeps were kept away from all consequences save some financial payments.

    If anyone had been able to get them labelled as sex offenders years ago, many young women would not have been exposed because they would not have been able to get jobs that would have provided the financial means for them to cover up what they like. So PLEASE don't be shy about helping to prosecute. I understand if it is just too much to handle. But if you can get the police to go through with it and get a sex offender label put on the man you might save quite a few young women from him - and save their parents a lot of agony also.

    Either way, do what is right for YOUR family. That INCLUDES you!! If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to care for them. Trust me, I am proof of it. IF what you need is to let this drop after you make sure the school will not let her on the computer or let her use other kids' phones, then let it drop. Do NOT let stress over this rob you of your health. Please. (I would call each of her friends' parents and ask them to not allow their kids to let her use their phones/internet because she is trying to have sex with old men. It will gross out her friends and likely they will not want that on their phones. If they still let her, let them know that they can be charged for contributing to the delinquency of a minor and promoting stat rape/child sex/child porn by letting her use their phones to send sexual messages. And phone co's turn those records over a lot more now. One cell phone co is starting to use software to identify sexting so that it can be turned over to authorities. it is not active yet, but is in the "works", or so I havve been told by someone I know and trust who is an upper level manager for their stores in a big city.

    Either way, you did the right thing by having ds and you out of the house. You just cannot handle everything yourself.
  6. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    No way did you over react! She may have started the conversations but he is an adult who has no business communicating this way with a kid.
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    AbsoLUTEly you did the right thing! And I'd be hopping mad, ready to press charges too. She is a MINOR. She is mentally ill. Enough said. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) sounds like an excellent plan for her sake AND yours.

  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    What if this guy is NOT some older bloke, but is in reality a 13 boy kid trying to lure HER into getting caught soliciting sex from him? (yeah, right... but you could run that scenario past her)

    Looking at her quote - she can't have it both ways. Wither she knows the guy is scum and was luring him into revealing his intensions sufficiently to go to the cops with it (in which case, she should welcome your support in keeping her safe) or she loves the guy (from afar) and wants her Prince Charming to sweep in on his white charger and rescue her...

    She can't have it both ways. Either the guy is a scumbag, or he's a knight. He can't be both. And threatening to have him sweep in and kill everybody else in the house just because you told the cops - that just doesn't wash, not with her claim to be trying to trap him. That response justifies your restrictions on computer use. Share her charming statement with the school too, so they can keep her off the internet or only let her use computers with a teacher shoulder-surfing.

  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was also thinking like marg...this could also be some kid trying to make her think he is a big guy playing older. She could be the one getting into trouble! All runs a two way street. People really need to think about this stuff when they get out there.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It could also be some 40+ yo just telling her he's 21 until he gets her where he wants her. You did the right thing.
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hope you took cell phone away, too - if she has one.
  12. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Do I think you did the right thing? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!

    I'm sorry, but she can't say that she knew he was a pedophile and was hoping to lure him on so that he could get caught and go to jail, and then in the next breath say that she is so angry that you went to police that she hopes he comes to the house and kills you all. Either she thinks he's a pedophile, or she'shoping that he will turn into a killer so he can have his way with her. Either way, it's not a good thing.

  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, hon... Absolutely y'all did right. No doubt in my mind!

    Honestly? It doesn't matter HOW old the boy is (and I say boy because if he's 40, playing 21, going after teen, he hasn't grown up...) - difficult child does NOT need to be discussing "hiding" sexual activity. Yes, sex is fun and it feels good, but you know... Just too many possible problems with this scenario.

    She needs computer for schoolwork? To darned bad. Guess her teachers will have to find a way for her to do it otherwise. I have friends who have a tween - their school understands not everyone has a computer...
  14. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    There is absolutely NO way you over reacted!!! She has demonstrated that at this point in time, she is incapable of making rational choices/decisions. There is no way you and your family should have to live in constant fear for the next two weeks!!! She is very unstable and I think a psychiatric hospital might be a good idea short term. I agree that long term, she might need an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    Keeping you close in my thoughts... Hugs... SFR
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would NOT give the school the idea that she can use a computer with a teacher right at her shoulder. It is too easy for a teacher to be called away "for a second" and have them be away for an hour. Teachers really do NOT understand the abilities of a difficult child to abuse any teensy chance hugely and get themselves into truly dangerous situations like this one even with only "half a second" to arrange things. So don't give her that chance. Tell the school absolutely ZERO computer use with NO exceptions. been there done that with a school that was SURE that they had a foolproof system that NO kid could get through, esp not in the "second or two" that a teacher might be "distracted". And MY difficult child went into the kinds of things they didn't even KNOW was available on the web!
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I wouldnt give her half a chance to get onto the web again. No computer, no cell, no psp, no Wii, no xbox, no anything that can connect to the internet. Again...the library does still have books! Amazing. Who would have thunk it?
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    When I mentioned the possibility that the male in question could have been a 12 yo masquerading as 20, that was as a scenario to put to difficult child - she needs to realise that
    1) SHE could have been in the same legal hot water that she alleges she was trying to entrap this person into (yeah, right); and

    2) how 'ooky' is it, to have romantic dreams of a hunk of man, and then have to think that maybe that 'man' is just a pimply kid?

    Otherwise - I fully endorse the view that any male who gets as openly predatory as this one, deserves everything the law throws at him.

    You did good calling this one.

  18. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Good morning!

    Thank you so much for your replies!

    TM - Yeah, that's difficult child logic for you. Like I'm gonna be "proud" !

    HaoZi - husband might have gone that route if he had the slightest idea who/where this guy is. difficult child, of course, is being very tight-lipped...

    Terry - Thank You!!! The "Cool Parenting Award" ? Thank you for making me feel so much better about the way we handled this.

    Susie - I was really just giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, and not wanting to ruin his future - but after reading your post....? Now I'm not so sure. You're right - a 20-something should not even be attracted to a 15 year old. I've decided to leave it up to the police...if they think the conversation warrants prosecution, I will support that. In the meantime, the investigator has not contacted me. Maybe I'll give a call back on Monday...

    ThreeShadows - Thank you!

    GCVMom - Hopping Mad doesn't even begin to describe how I felt - but mostly, it was the helplessness. If difficult child is actively seeking these guys out - how am i to protect her from herself?

    Marg - O yeah, it only makes sense in difficult child world. And I know the school cannot adequately police her. The only thing that is currently working in our favor is that the computers available for "internet research" have charges for printing and a certain amount of usage, and right now, difficult child has no cash.

    Janet - Yea, who knows? Is this a real name? Fake name? Someone using another person's account? So scary...

    klmno - Yep. It could've been anybody.

    Busywend - difficult child does not even have a cell phone for this very reason. Can you imagine? She'd be loooonnnggg gone with goodness knows who...

    Bunny - Thank you!

    Step - Thanks. Exactly. It's just wrong all the way around...

    SFR - Thank you. I hope they will consider Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement. I don't know how husband and I can keep up with this...

    Thank you all for your support. I was such a mess...and reading your replies made me feel so much better. I must have read this thread thru three or four times!

    Thank you - a thousand times.

  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so glad Cory was on the fringe of the internet stuff. He did some stuff but not tons of it. He did find a couple of adult people who wanted to take him to CA in their truck and he was truly upset with us when we wouldnt allow that...lol. He simply didnt understand why we wouldnt allow a 12.5 year old to explore the world with a couple of truckers we didnt even know...lmao.

    Then he became "boyfriend/girlfriend" with a little girl in Canada which really wasnt good when he started making plans to go there. But that was about the extent of his stuff...well except for his surfing for porn which stopped as soon as he moved on to real sex.