Ok, so I cannot trust difficult child 2

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Janna, Aug 21, 2007.

  1. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I know I don't talk about him much. We brought him home the middle of June, the reunification was approved by the judge and blah blah all that good stuff, and he was sent home.

    So, in a nutshell, they dropped off the same immature, manipulative, lying, deceitful child I gave them 5 years ago a lot taller and with some facial hair.

    He has the maturity of an 8 year old. They sent him home with this family based team, haha, joke.

    So, the one lady (there's two of them) from this team goes to visit B at camp. He's an L.I.T. at the YMCA camp, which basically means he is a counselor in training. She says to me, if she was sitting with her back to him while he was with the other kids (9 and 10 year old kids), she'd have thought he was a peer (meaning, in their age group).

    Anyway, he's home 2 weeks, gets picked up at Wal Mart for stealing CD's. If he was 16, they would have called the cops and he would have been sent to Juvey ~ but because he's still 15, I didn't HAVE to get him, but they would have called CPS. Last thing I need.

    So, I go get him. I make it very, VERY clear (I think everyone knows I mean what I say here ~) that if he gets picked up again, I will not get him. I don't care what the situation is. He's on his own.

    In our living room, which is the ADULT room, is a computer with internet hook up. ALL children KNOW their fingers are to NEVER touch that computer. Period. Ever.

    In the family room, which is the CHILDRENS room (and lets remember, B is a child), there is a computer with NO internet connection. A, I don't think Dylan and J need it, too young and B, difficult child 2 has no responsibility factor.

    So, usually, in the mornings, I don't even bother turning the computer on because I'm busy. I shut it down in the evenings, it's password protected, he can't access it. Well, the other morning, I turned it on to come here, and I walked away from it. When I went back that evening, I went to MySpace, and the last log in name it remembered was B's! That means he was on MY computer.

    Stripped of all privelages for both instances, obviously. Given extra chores. Etc, etc.

    Let's not forget the ciggys he stole from SO's parents just before Christmas, then lied about it. He also lied to DEX about the incident at Wal Mart.

    He also got reprimanded at camp for beating up on a 10 and 12 year old ~ brothers ~ and lost all privelages for that. Lied to DEX, said he had no idea what DEX was talking about, never happened.

    So, today, SO is home due to rain. B has been complaining he'd like his room painted. SO says to me he's going to paint it, to be nice. He goes in the room, moves the bed, and under the bed he finds a couple of things from MY BEDROOM.

    A lock is being installed as we speak on my bedroom door.

    I'm tired of talking to him. I regret reunification so much I cannot express how much. I wish I never brought him home. He treats Dylan like garbage. Now that Dylan's gone he treats easy child like garbage. I just send him to his room all the time and strip everything from him. I don't even care.

    Stupid friggin kid.
     
  2. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Oh, and to add, the psychiatrist did upgrade his diagnosis from Adjustment Disorder (joke) to Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

    Suggested he take Depakote, but he refuses. Says he doesn't need medications LMAO!

    Can't wait til school starts. Thank God he's still in SPED.
     
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janna...

    I hate to say this...but...so much of that is typical teen stuff. Maybe a bit magnified by a bit of difficult child thrown in but still typical teen.

    Teens shoplift. They just do. Feel free to ask Jamie. He was the store security guy at Walmart for awhile between jobs. I cant tell you how many teens he caught boosting dumb stuff "just because". Now having a 6'5" former Marine giving you the what for seemed to scare the pants off a few of them but Im sure most just went their way and laughed about it. (Of course, the gangbanger who tried to deck Jamie might be rethinking that action since Jamie laid him on his keyster...lol)

    Teens also boost cigs, sneak onto computers, annoy their peers and siblings. Its life. They are obnoxious creatures. Im convinced they should be buried at 12 and dug up again at 22....maybe 25!

    I know he is a pita. I know you want to kill him. Oh I have so been there and have so many tee shirts I could start my own business on ebay...lol. You will live through this.
     
  4. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I guess, Janet. I just know if that was me, I woulda been scared sh*tless, you know?

    When my parents told me not to touch something, I DIDNT touch it. Oh my God, these kids have no respect at all. It's not like it was such a huge deal he touched the computer. The huge deal is the lack of respect touching something that doesn't belong to you that you know the owner doesn't want you touching.

    How come these kids don't realize this? Saddest part is, Dylan and J don't do it, and this is my OLDEST kid, the one that should be setting the example.

    And if I told you what SO found under the bed, you'd cry laughing. I'm just too embarrassed to say.

    I dunno, different times I guess. He can figure it out in his bedroom.
     
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I'm really sorry that you're stuck with this situation. I'd wait for the other shoe to drop at Walmart (somewhere that he's with you OR CPS steps in) and give him a choice: medications & home OR back to square one in Residential Treatment Facility (RTF).

    Just a thought!
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bedroom door lock here, too!
     
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow, you seem SO angry at him, that I am wondering if it might not be in his best interest for him to go back into Residential Treatment Center (RTC), or live with a neutral party. If the above statement is true when you are rational, than the situation does not sound conducive to anyone.

    Is he still a counselor in training at the YMCA? If so, that sounds like a pretty huge step towards maturity. My son would not even be able to successfully participate in the Y right now, let alone help lead a group.

    Are you able to look at all of this objectively, or have all the years and pain and suffering with him become built up to an unmanageable point?

    I certainly don't know the whole story - just seems like a no win situation for everyone right now.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Janna, some of what he's doing is what SOME teens do (especially accessing the internet if you put the kabosh on it). Not all teens repeatedly steal, especially from you. My druggie kid did, but I wouldn't call her a typical teen...lol. I would be steaming, like you. I have a lot of compassion for younger kids. When they hit that "I don't have to take medications" age and refuse to help themselves, then I get into "tough love." I know how hard it is with a kid THAT age who refuses to help himself and won't listen to you. been there done that.Is he looking forward to that driver's license? I have advice. No license until/unless he takes medications and is stable. I'm sure you've already thought of that...lol. I can't tell you how sorry we were that daughter got her license at sixteen. Let's just say, she didn't have it, nor access to a car, a month later. She didn't grow up until she had to because we wouldn't let her live at home
     
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I don't know how much of that is typical teen stuff. The sibling stuff is pretty normal and I think the computer thing is, too, but I don't think shoplifting is...not when you throw in blatantly lying about it later.

    easy child would never consider stealing or beating up a younger kid, nor would his friends. I would be floored to find out that easy child did anything like that. My second son, though - GFGII (also 15) - would and has. He was here for a few days last week and called a friend of his who had apparently gone to a fight and GFGII asked him if he took a blade. :surprise: I told him that if he took a knife to a fight, I wasn't going to bail him out or visit him in juvie. (I don't want him to fight at all, but I'm a realist...I'm not going to stop him if he's hellbent on going.) He steals alcohol from the store because he can't buy it, of course, but he would (if he hasn't already) steal cd's too if he wanted it and didn't have the money. He would think nothing of it...as long as he didn't get caught. Then he would only be remorseful that he was caught, not that what he had done was wrong. I think, therein lies the difference. A typical teen would feel bad because what they had done was wrong. A difficult child would only feel bad because they were caught.

    They just seem so damn determined to learn the hard way...that is if they learn at all. It's very frustrating.
     
  10. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Yep, I'm angry at him. I don't like him as a person. And I'm very angry and resentful toward every person that has been involved in our case in the last five years. Weeping Willow, my son has been in and out of 5 foster care homes in five years. I have been telling countless people over and over what he needs, to no avail. I finally begged and pleaded to have him taken out of the system because they were doing nothing. There is a very, very long story to this, and I'd love to share it with you, but I would crash the site with a post that long, so I'll save it.

    So, as I said, they returned to me the same 10 year old I gave to them, he's just 15 years old now.

    He's a counselor in training, but not a good one. He is disrespectful to all the women counselors, he argues and antagonizes the campers, and is not a good role model, per the counselors.

    MWM, he's not getting a license. I don't even think he's going to maintain in school. Or work. Maybe he'll prove me wrong. We'll see. I'm hoping ~ but I'm not holding my breath.

    I appreciate the replies. I know some of this is typical teen. I guess I just expect respect from my kids, and what the hell was I thinking to get it from him?
     
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janna,
    No advice tonight just gentle hugs.
     
  12. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I don't have any words of wisdom, either. You have been through so much with difficult child 2.

    ((((hugs)))
     
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Janna,

    I'm so sorry & I so understand. I dislike wm & his offensive & negative choices, many many times. And I love him to death. wm can, with no effort at all, bring the entire family to tears, chaos & anger. Usually within 5 minutes of any visit. husband & I have to "prepare" for any time together with wm.

    I can offer you so many ideas on treatment & making different choices. AND you have lost 5 years of consistency that I know you would have followed through on. 5 years of cues & interventions & such. Even with that, wm is iffy at best & as you know we continue to be a family of different addresses.

    Sending you (((hugs))) for your wounded heart this morning.
     
  14. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Thank you, ladies.

    Linda, if you have any words of wisdom or advice or where to go next, I'd love to take it, if you have the time to give it.

    We have a family based team in now, but he hates them. They are two very, very nice ladies. Very insightful. They come and play board games with the family that are family oriented. We do that on our own. I don't see how that's helping. The one day they came, we were all working in the garden. I asked them if they wanted us to stop, and they stood there, for an hour, watching us work in the garden, talking amongst themselves. I dunno, what is this doing? LOL! They're more of an inconvenience/nuisance than anything.

    I explained all this to them, how I felt, etc. Funny, the CPS worker was here last night, and I explained ALL this to her, and she just stared at me. She is going to submit a letter to the judge to close the case, and if I need anything, to call her LOL!!!! I'm telling her all this stuff, and that's what I get. Ha!

    We live in a rural area and services here are lax. I've exhausted them all anyway. Wrap Around, Youth Advocate, Intensive Family Services ~ all done. Wrap twice with B. Partial hospitalization, Residential Treatment Center (RTC). 90 day diagnostic. "Theraputic" (still gag on that word) foster care.

    I dunno where to go with this or what to do. SO confronted B alone last night, privately, told him he knew what he did. B just stood there, staring. SO showed him the stuff, B didn't say a word, typical. SO told him, 2 weeks no privelages, lock is going on our bedroom door now. You go in again, we call the cops. He just acted fine, came downstairs, was fine. SO was trying to be nice, not embarrass him, because of the items he took. He just acted like everything was A-OK. No remorse at all.

    Some of the stuff, the ciggys ~ yeah, it's typical teen. He wrote an apology note for the smokes. Yeah, all siblings fight, but you aren't understanding "fight". When I removed B from the house, it was for inappropriate fighting, i.e. holding a pillow over Dylan's FACE trying to suffocate him. Hanging my easy child from the top bunk of the bunk beds by his FEET right after open heart surgery. We're not talking about the typical "you're stupid" - "no, you're ugly", type stuff.

    It's almost like he's antisocial or something. I'd say Autism, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), socially clueless. Even on his MySpace, his messages to others, inappropriate (yep, I read them, too bad he won't be on a while). They write to him, he rambles a bunch of garbage back, and they don't reply.

    *sigh*
     
  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You did not have defiance with Dylan. You do with this one! It is hard, isn't it??

    HUGS - I know it is draining and sometimes seems impossible. You just have to find a way to get some strength. Make sure you get some 'me' time in!
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Janna, I know your problems, and you're not dealing with a typical teen. My teens, even druggie teen, never physically beat one another up. They didn't even fight much. I don't think it's that typical for a teen to beat up his much younger sibling anyways. The only teen who took cigarettes at all was the one on drugs. My others, and I call them typical teen, didn't smoke, never tried smoking (they are almost 30 now, they would tell me if they'd ever tried smoking--both said smoke disgusted them). I think it's typical teen to try something once or twice and feel terrible once they're busted. Of course, some people never HAD a typical teen, so it's hard to compare. I think you right that your teen is way over-the-top. His lack of interest in his family, lack of emotions, lack of remorse are not typical teen. In fact, as horrible as teens can be, typical teen's usually feel terrible afterwards and cry like babies. It's a love/hate relationship with parents for typical teen. For difficult child's it seems like they just do what they want and don't care about others--certainly my daughter didn't when she was on drugs. She would stare me in the eyes and lie really well. My other two couldn't do that. They were terrible liars. I say do what is best for your family. Of course you are angry at B. He isn't doing a thing to help himself, and he isn't going to get better if he refuses treatment. I was angry at my daughter too. When she refused to get help, we made the terribly heart-wrenching decision to make her leave the house at eighteen. (((Big hugs)))
     
  17. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Janna, I'm so so sorry this is not working out. I know you had high hopes.

    Everything that you have described about him makes me wonder about attachment disorders. Have you explored that possibility?
     
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I get what you are saying, Janna. It's not just that he pulls this stuff, it's that there never seems to be any sort of respect or concern for you. It's all about him. And it's all negative.

    M used to palm medications, even though they helped him immensely. I don't know what he had against being happy. :slap: I think that it's helpful to go through the motions on your part though, to try to get him to take his medications. That way at least he is actually going against your wishes, instead of controlling what you do and expect of him. I think if you look for another placement, it gives you more - I don't want to say "credibility" because it's not quite right, but it's too early in th morning to make the brain dig deeper - to say he's non-compliant than it does to say you don't do it because it's easier not to.

    I feel for you and your family, Janna. It's miserable.
     
  19. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    it is a hard place to be. there have been many times I did not like ant at all. in fact he cannot live with me because I get angry just looking at him anymore. he makes his own life miserable, knows what he should do and wont.

    ant is older so I can beg off the situation. when he was younger, he nearly killed me with his constant stress causing chaos.

    I feel for you as your son is still young and you have to put up with him. ignore him as much as you can. protect your possessions and make sure you have time away from him as much as possible whether he is in some group or whether you get out of the house.

    I used to feel like I was in prison in my own home with ant holding me hostage.
     
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