ok, so up till now i have only mentioned my son the major Difficult Child.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jetsam, Oct 3, 2016.

  1. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    I apologize in advance for the length of this but i need some advice. My daughter is 22. She has been on anxiety medication since she was 16. She has always cared to much what other people think . (she gets that from my husband). She goes to college in the city. this is her 4th year. The first 2 years she was in the dorms. year 1 she roomed with 3 other girls. This was good initially, but by second half of the year she was ostracized from them. I never fully understood why but i think it was because she is a very emotional type and when something goes wrong like a boyfriend issue or something like that, she obsesses about it and talks about it and tries to overanalyze etc.. anyway that was awful for her. The second year she decided to room with just one other girl. It had its issues but was much better than the previous year. For the third year she decided to try finding roommates outside of school to share an apartment with.that year went pretty well and she seems to get along with them ok (they are not students they already have jobs) She started dating this guy (i wasn't thrilled about the idea but she is grown) well, over this summer they broke up. He proceeded to tell her he had herpes...as you can imagine this sent her into a tail spin of angst ,depression, you name it. I told her to get tested but she just withdrew, isolating herself saying if she had this she wouldn't want to go on etc...DRAMA!! After about a month of her agonizing about this she FINALLY did get tested and shows negative for herpes. she went 2x to make sure. Ok fast forward to a new semester. She is studying advertising art and graphic design.There is this student who was paired up with her last year for a project while she was dating that guy and she said she didn't put forth as much effort on the project because of the guy she was dating. well this year the student she was paired with seems to have a major attitude against her (did i mention she is super sensitive?) Anyway she went to a meeting for an internship (part of the semester requirements) and on the way home she stopped at a bar right by her house. She said she was upset about the interview and spoke of how people in the business are nothing like her, and she doesn't fit in and maybe she is not right for this business etc. She said there was a teacher from her school there. She then says she had 3 beers. She is a tiny thing about 100 lbs and 5feet tall. She woke up in her apartment, knew she threw up on herself, and says she can't remember anything else. She went to school the next day, embarrassed of course, She said she overheard one teacher speaking to another saying "did you speak to your class? " The other teacher responds "no i don't think thats right." Now she is convinced that they must have been talking about her! she says the teachers won't look her in the eye. (this all might well be true ,but it might not have anything to do with her, I don't know. )She emailed the head teacher stating she wanted to talk to her privately.(she has not spoken to her yet) I asked her what she would say t this teacher. (Mind you at this point my daughter will not speak to me in person (we live nearby) nor talk to me on the phone. She will only text me or my husband at the moment.) So she responds to my question with this long paragraph that she will apologize and tell her she was just drunk, and she doesn't remember exactly what was said but just knows the teacher in the bar works for her and her mind was in a bad place because she felt out of place at the interview and tell her about her brother and his addiction ,and how she dated this guy and he said he had an std and that made her really angry and it had nothing to do with her and she is so sorry she got brought into this. ???? OMG what the bleep is going on! I am not sure if paranoia disorder of some kind is coming out or what! I told her to talk to a therapist (she hasn't seen one for quite awhile just her psychiatrist who sees her for 10 min. and prescribes medication...venlaflaxin 150 mg per day) She agreed and I found someone who will actually see her this evening. I don't know whats going on with her but I'm scared. If she goes to this teacher i don't know what cold happen...repercussions etc. She texted my husband that she messed everything up and wasted our money and now her reputation is shot and she won't be able to get a job.... she feels like she has to make up for her brothers screw ups and drug addiction! we have told her its not on her, its not her fault etc I'm scared for her and don't know what to do
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are doing all you can do which is guiding her to get professional counseling. She is considered an adult. You can not control the outcome of what she does nor does worrying change anything been tjere/done that/ have the tee shirt.

    I have a late 30s son who obsesses, ruminates, has horrible social skills and still calls me every day to fix his problems and, of course, nobody has problems as bad as him. He seriously thinks that. He calls me way too much for his age, but he has no friends and won't try to make any. So he suffers.

    I learned there is nothing I can do. He rejects all help so he is miserable. Right now he is in legal litigation about his son and he is making himself expect the worse and be a basket case each day. Sad thing is, he WILL win this case. But he isn't 100% sure so he's making himself even physicall ill.

    0ther than listening when I am up to it, it is up to hIm to get help. He has a good job and can afford it, bit he has 1000 excuses why he can't go for help. Not one therapist is open in the evening after his work for example. Or its too far and he is phobic about driving in the big city. Yada Yada yada. Everything is a roadblock.

    We listen when we are up for it and, in my case, I don't listen when I'm not up to it.

    This is going on four years now that his ex keeps dragging him to court and she never wins, but he was always a worrier. He can also be VERY verbally abusive to me too. So I take it in doses I can handle. That's for both of us. If I listen all the time, he will never get help or make friends.....and I might jump off a cliff lol. Not really.

    My other three kids are angels who hate how he treats me and they don't interact so he blew it with them too. He has his dad, my ex, me and his eight year old son who he adores. But that's all he has.

    You can't help your daughter. She has to do it. Like I can't help my son.

    Sucks sometimes, buT this is their lives and we can see the train wreck sometimes but can not tell an unwilling petson to get off the train tracks.

    I am very sorry.
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2016
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Drama....I guess she already takes a chill pill. She is seeing disaster around every corner. No reason would teachers speak behind her back...they have lives outside their jobs. As for the std...remind her at least he was honest....this is all life...and she is growing in her own way.

    I would encourage the therapy for sure!!

    Hugs..it must make you tired!
  4. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    ugh i hear you. i just see this behavior escalating. Im so scared for her mental health! She is bright lively person and this is draining her. I wonder if she needs additional medications or a medication change ? i don't know if the counselor would recommend additional testing to see if something else is going on! Also I am afraid this school thing will be a big fiasco! thats the last thing she needs ! Im keeping my fingers crossed that it goes well tonight
  5. Bratty1

    Bratty1 New Member

    Sending support for you and your daughter! Since you are near enough, do you think it possible to accompany her to a few sessions? As others have said it it ultimately her choice, but with what you describe, it may be easier the first few times with a bit of support. Just try not to become a crutch.

    There may be more going on than she is willing to admit to mom so the story doesn't make much sense. Hopefully, she will find the help she needs for now to keep her on the road to success.
  6. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    Hi Bratty, yes I took her to her session this evening . she did not want me to come in so i waited in the car. when she came out i asked her how it went, and got "i don't know." then i asked if she was going to see him again and got "i don't know. she spoke not one more word until i dropped her off at her apartment. ugh! my instinct is to keep asking questions but I'm learning about boundaries so i bit my tongue and when we got to her place she just said good night and so did i.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Hopefully she is just going through a real rough patch?

    She KNOWS she has you close by and that is good. It sounds like she is working through this. Don't overreact. I tend to also so I get it.

    Just tell her you love her and you're there for her. It sounds like she is pretty mature and will get through it.

    Sometimes life is so hard when you are young and trying to figure it all out.