Okay, callin in the experts on this one....

[neednewtechnique]

I tend to agree that she will not be allowed to go, anywhere, unsupervised for a while. I have not decided what to do about the dance yet. I am an alumni of the school, so I am entitled to be there if I so choose to go, but I am really not sure I am up for leaving my two children home or with a babysitter to go follow her around. See, a lot of what she does is attention seeking anyway, so if she sees that I WILL put off the younger ones to follow her around the dance instead of just making her spend the evening at home, it might not make the right impression. I mean, yes it DEFINITELY WOULD send one good message, but at the same time, I also believe it might send the message that she will get the attention if she does things like that. Not that she will have the opportunity to do THAT again, but other things, you know what I mean?

On another note, I would agree that there are times when "Positive Discipline" is the right way to go, but I think that maybe issues of extreme safety concerns is not that kind of time. You all have definitely given me a lot to think about and given me the security I need to dive into this today. She should be home in about half an hour, so I will be having this discussion with her later this afternoon. Wish me luck!!!!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

Good luck!

She definitely needs to understand that this is a safety issue and she blew it.

 

[Kathy813]

Yes, I would use positive discipline ~ I'd be positive that she would not be going to the dance or anywhere else for awhile. Those little ones must have been terrified. And then when you think what could have happened to them.

I wouldn't be worried about making her feel good about herself right now. Then again, I'm a mean mama like Lisa.

~Kathy

 

[meowbunny]

Good luck on the writing assignment! If she's anything like my daughter, there's no way it will get done or, if done, that there will be anything really comprehensible in it. Mine would know what she had done wrong, why it was wrong and what she should have done but there was no way it would go on paper. What worked for us was a discussion when everyone was calm. One with no blame, no recriminations, just simply a talk about what could have happened.

I'm hoping that her actions were more thoughtless than planned. She may have been very sincere in wanting to have some fun time with the little ones and the idea of the suckers and soda was really to get them a treat with no real understanding of the dangers and risks. Kind of like the mother who only left her kids in the car for "5 minutes" and it got over 120 in the car cause the 5 minutes turned into longer.

Before going too overboard on punishment please try to find out the reasoning behind it. A lapse of judgment requires discussions and teaching, not consequences. A deliberate leaving the little ones to go have fun elsewhere requires consequences plus some learning lessons.

Don't say never to her watching them again. I'd let her try again if she wants to but I'd watch from a distance to see what happens (without her knowing). Kids do make mistakes but to tell them you will never trust them again is harsh. It's one thing when they are older teens and truly should know better. It's another when they are young and need to learn.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not convinced that our difficult child's ever think of their consequences as their own faults. I POSITIVELY would make her miss the dance (those are the things that DID stick with my female difficult child--she never wanted to miss the action). And I POSITIVELY would never give HER the babysitting money--I'd pay a peer of hers to babysit, which is embarrassing to the child, but, hey, you can't risk your younger kids. Been there, done that.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,
I forgot to mention about restitution or trying to fix the relationship with her sibling , ask her what she can do to make her sister feel better ?

I once was about to consequence a kid for some serious mistake and someone asked me , how would you feel if your boss,wife, husband or friend treated you the same way. If we were suspended from work , we would ask for forgiveness and compassion, we would ask to be treated respectfully , are children any different ? in my humble opinion being a mean mama does not fit into my parenting or life philosophy , I don't see anything positive in this way.
Allan

 

[donna723]

Are you sure that you have the complete story, even now? I mean, you've just heard it from the little ones point of view, right? What I don't understand, if she was just going somewhere to get candy and soda for them, why didn't she just take them with her instead of leaving them all alone in the park? She may fill in some of the gaps when you talk to her, but to me, this doesn't exactly add up!

 

[neednewtechnique]

Well, we had "the talk" and she admitted to leaving them alone at the park, she said that they went across the street to the bank to get change for a dollar to use in the soda machine so while at the bank, got suckers for the girls. Then they went a block down the road to get sodas from the machine. However, I have to wonder how they knew the machine wouldn't take their dollars unless they had already been down there once, so I think they were gone a little longer than she will admit. But amazingly, she agreed with me that what she did was wrong, she told me she knew it was, but that she didn't know why she did it. She was very matter-of-fact when she said this, almost like she was patronizing me. It almost made me MADDER, but the simple fact that we didn't have to have a meltdown in order to get through it was enough to make me keep MY cool (I think she was HOPING I would get upset by her nonchalance, as if I wasn't upset enough already). She's got three weeks of being grounded and she had the choice between the writing assignment and extra chores during that three weeks, and she picked the chores, so we have been coming up with some creative projects for her to do around the house.

Another big thing that we wanted to make a point of is that we STILL want to continue encouraging her to get along with the little ones, so we have been finding activities they can enjoy together under OUR supervision. As we speak, I have little ones running around with painted fingernails and toenails, makeup, and some snazzy hair...lol. She decided to give them "makeovers" and they are so cute.

You guys were all such a great help on this one, I had no idea where to begin. I do think we made it through the initial stages and now the tough part is going to be getting through the three weeks. Because, although she took it okay when we talked about it, I am dreading the first time something comes up that she wants to do and can't. As for homecoming, we decided that she would just not be allowed to attend. There is ONE catch to that though....you see, we LIVE right NEXT DOOR to the high school, so it isn't like "out of sight, out of mind" because she will LITERALLY be able to SEE it happening around her, and NOT be a part of it.