Okey dokey then...

[elizabrary]

I actually got to the point where I knew my daughter was frequently the bad influence- awesome place to be. Talk about feeling like a terrible mother! And I stole that joke and personalized for myself:
Q: How do you know when Kat's lying?
A: When her lips are moving!

 

[Robinboots]

Yup, same thing here with my difficult child - I remember when a DFS investigator came to see me, with an officer, and the officer told him that if difficult child's talking, he's lying. Actually, I need to probably remember more of this stuff!

That particular incident was last April? March? I think March, so a year ago. difficult child was being a butthead and I told him to go to his room. He sat across the desk from me, just smirking and verbally battering me. I walked over to him and spun around the chair and dumped him out. I was ticked. Big time. He got up and I just kept saying GO TO YOUR ROOM, over and over. Then I started pushing him down the hall - not shoving, just trying to move his butt. Not sure what I was thinking, he's 6 ft, I'm 5'3", he outweighed me by 80 pounds. Then I grabbed him by his t-shirt and pulled; ripped the shirt. Not proud of my behavior, but I can only take so much and this was after a looooooooooooong string of incidents, naturally.

Anyway, he left. Went to the police station, claimed I hit him over the head - like I could reach - with his heavy Toughbook laptop. They called me, asked what happened, I told them. Then difficult child went to the ER, told them the same story. They called for permission to treat; I told them what happened, told them he had CD and Borderline (BPD) (maybe) and said, hey, here's a thought, treat him for THAT. They called me back, said they'd "encouraged" him to get help, and found no injuries so didn't file a report.

Two days later, the aforementioned investigator showed up with the officer. difficult child hotlined me. Go figure. So, after talking to me, finding difficult child - he'd broken into a garage on my mom's farm, she's out-of-state, we both went to see difficult child. He told the same darn story. Outside, the investigator said: that kid cannot go home. He needs help.

Oh, yay for the system! Either it's YOUR fault, and the kid's fine, or the kid needs help but oh darn, we can't FIND any help for him. Oh, wait - you said YOU found him some help? Well, okay but we have to APPROVE it all, and it MIGHT work, but hey, just let him run the streets okay? Yeah, right.

 

[Hound dog]

I had to LOL Eliza at the joke...............it's the same running joke around here about katie............and honestly it does us good to remember that when talking to her. I admit though that sometimes I manage to forget. ugh

What is bad is when they're in their 30's and still have not or refused to learn. ugh I mean it's not even working for her anymore, still I think hades would have to freeze over for her to change her behavior. Maybe not even that would get her attention.

Some difficult children do finally get it, by learning life lessons and the hard way. Nichole got it........and is maturing nicely. *knocks on wood* I don't think Katie ever will. I mean for Pete's sake she's only like 4 years younger than when she made ME a grandmother........and she's still stuck in the same groove. double ugh

 

[susiestar]

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER---STOP SAYING AND THINKING THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

HE IS A BAD SON FAAAR MORE THAT YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER!!!!!

What would YOUR parents have done if you had DREAMED of behaving the way he treats you and your home???

This is not your fault. You have done a TON more than he deserved and given him second chance after fourth chance to start from scratch and have another shot.

HE is CHOOSING to be this way. YOU ARE NOT. So let him go and live the lifestyle he watns to earn. YOU work hard to have a nice home, good food, cable tv, heat, running water, etc.....

He is CHOOSING to not work or learn so he should NOT get to enjoy the things he refuses to earn. PERIOD.

Repeat after me - I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER. I AM A DARN GOOD MOM AND AN AWESOME PERSON AND I DESERVE THE MASSAGE THAT I AM GOING TO BOOK ON PAYDAY!!

 

[DaisyFace]

Oh, yay for the system! Either it's YOUR fault, and the kid's fine, or the kid needs help but oh darn, we can't FIND any help for him. Oh, wait - you said YOU found him some help? Well, okay but we have to APPROVE it all, and it MIGHT work, but hey, just let him run the streets okay? Yeah, right.

No truer words were ever spoken!

 

[Robinboots]

Thanks, Daisy. I think...

So difficult child just got up about half an hour ago, came in last night at 2:30 a.m. He's not being an azz for once. So far. Left to go look at apartments. Said he was probably screwed, because we probably wouldn't co-sign, would we? I said no, sorry, we can't. I asked about two of his friends, where he's supposedly been crashing, and he said one got in trouble for smoking dope - this from a kid who hangs out with peeps like this and occasionally asks what I'd do if I found some in his room...and says other things, as well. The other one is getting an apartment with someone else. So.... And he said he has a job interview at 3, FT, with benefits. I hope so. He's never had trouble GETTING a job. I suspect one of the two he has now is kaput, maybe both. But this will be better, if he gets it - it's also overnight, which could cut down the partying....

Keep your fingers crossed!

 

[Star*]

Boots -

You know - I had a thought about all of this and you do have a good point about how he is behaving and not wanting to push him to the other side of loozer-ville. I get that. I had the same worries with Dude when we said GET OUT too, because I can not think of a single more horrible creatin on earth that I would never put another soul with than my x. Guess where Dude is? With x. Guess what's been the best turn off of all? Living with x.

Dude also had no, none, nada smidge of self-restraint either. If he saw it, he wanted it, it was his. So here's party central with no limits, no rules no bars hold - and in 1000 words or less I couldn't even begin to tell you what living there is like. Dude hates it. He's still there, but it's been quite a motivator to get his own (everything). So it goes back to that thought "If I put him out there am I prolonging the inevitable? Can I save him from drugs, alcohol, jail, even unimaginable hurt? Or does keeping him here really help him yet damage everything else including my health, sanity, relationships?"

There were so many times with Dude that he would be at a point where I could have put him in a container and shipped him to China and never looked back, and then? Then there were days where I felt like that, he'd come home, do something extraordinarily nice for days without being asked - I'd see the kid that I KNEW was in there - think to myself that all the therapy, and hard work everyone had put into this lifestyle and behavior modification (even hating that I called it that) was working and wonder if I should just keep my big mouth shut and he'd clean his room, be nice to DF, clean the house, his room, sweep the drive, clean my car - and the list would just go on and on - and on and I'd actually allow myself to breath and relax just a smidge and even go to work without tensing up when the phone rang, or when it did? NOT worrying when I saw my home phone on the caller ID, or even when the number was a strange number NOT thinking the worst like - police or states attorney. And just about the time that my brain nearly, mentally sat in a hammock? W.H.A.M.! The call would come - subtle at first - like "Hey Momma, what are you doing? How's your day going? Just like the others for the last week or so, and then "Can I borrow, or I was going to so and so's and he's got this great .......and off and running again we'd go...and I would just feel it come over me like a rash. I'm not kidding, it would be like a sunburn only deeper, and hotter, and I never looked but I would guess had I bothered to see myself in a mirror I would have been as red as the sun. This just went on and on....and each time? It got a little longer, or a little less or made me feel a little bit more stupid each time - So I get the stupid part, and it's not that you are stupid - you just think....Oh God please.....SO VERY BADLY - I mean you'd next to meet at the crossroads for something anywhere near to normal - to stay......and it never does, but you hope so badly, that when it comes close? You find yourself telling everyone around you to SHUT UP---and LEAVE HIM ALONE - GIVE HIM A CHANCE - IF THEY WOULD ONLY HAVE THE SAME HOPE and ENTHUSIASM YOU DO - or 1/2 of it? He'd be SUCCESSFUL - but noooo they greet him with that negative attitude and THAT's why---that's why he fails and....then you catch yourself feeling like an idiot. Because at some point? At some point you know it's not them. It's him, and that's like the last 'something' in your soul that snaps....and you know. And you get angry - but you're not sure at this point WHO you're angry at -

Are you angry at the kid? Are you angry at yourself? Are you angry at THEM - and who are THEM? Is it everyone that tried to help and failed? And it's just utter frustration because at this point? I don't know about you - but I would have choked a dozen smiley faces...and I just wanted someone to tell me SOMETHING - he'd be okay - he wouldn't, he'd be in jail - he wouldn't. His therapy would kick it. I was doing the right thing, He'd be fine.....and all I got was - a bunch of "You have to do this, and that - and be tough and this is for his own good." and on the back side of that? It just seemed like EVERYONE just wanted to see him GONE. Mostly? Mostly for their OWN sake - like they were just tired of him - NOT because it would be good for him - but because they were tired and needed THEIR break. And that made me furious at them. But it wasn't really that either. DF didn't think that - it seemed like that, and part of him DID need a break, but all of him wanted what was best for his son. And no one knew what to do with him - he'd worn out his welcome EVERYWHERE. (huge sigh)

It just seems like by the time our kids get an incling of OH CRUD - I better do XYZ - the rest of the world is closing the door and as their Moms we want to keep a foot in the door because WE KNOW - what our babies are like. Problem is - we can't. If we really WANT what is best for them at that point? We need with all our might to but out and let them figure it out. I think it's the hardest thing I've had to overcome in his adult life this far...and it's one of the hardest things I hate to tell my friends here - because it always comes off like- "Meh - just throw the puppy out in the road, it's gonna grow up, it will find a place to eat, and shelter - it will be fine." and that isn't what I mean at all.

I hope what I wrote wasn't too harsh, but helpful....and if you're crying at this point? (passes tissue).

If the contract / agreement of throwing him out is TOO much - then write in a clause that says - for your own sake -

AND IF You are gainfully employed for XX weeks, months and can pay back XX dollars -
We can come to some financial arrangement where in you could have access to
(make your list)

I don't recommend it -with a difficult child, but if you aren't ready at this point to throw him out don't cause even the president gave me a chance to refinance my mortgage. You have to live with your decisions - but when you amend your contract? I wouldn't allow any concessions this time PERIOD.

Just a thought - and I'm not saying do it, I'm just saying you have to be comfortable with your choices. Personally I believe the longer you take to show him your door, the longer it will take for him to have his own door.

Sending you hugs and love - thinking about you today and my nephew
Star

 

[Robinboots]

So much going on...and so much to think about.

difficult child came back after looking at apartments, then left to go to a title loan place. Surprised they gave him anything for that POS he drives, but ------------

He got an apartment. Well, okay, I caved a bit. He handed me $380 and asked if I'd write the check to pay the first month's rent, which puts me out-of-pocket about $190. He had ALREADY signed the application, passed the credit check, and paid the deposit. What could I say? He moves in tomorrow.

We talked about a lot of things, and he's very excited, and seems to understand and agree with me. Then again, been there done that, so only time will tell. But it's a nice place, one bedroom, bathroom, living/dining and galley kitchen. Very nice complex. I really, really hope it works out. At least I know he has a decent place until April 1! He's at work now, for a few hours, said he still has both jobs, again - we'll see.

 

[Star*]

$190 for a housefull of peace? Sounds good. Here's to his new life!

 

[Robinboots]

Thank ya, thank ya! We're all pretty excited! I just hope he doesn't get evicted and pays his bills...and doesn't get arrested, but hey, the cops won't show up HERE! Took his stuff over this morning, just got done. Not much to take...had a tense moment when husband decided he couldn't take the bed, but he got a sofa sleeper instead. And some friends have found table/chairs and maybe a TV. Still has his bike here, and that's it! AND, we beat the rain!

HALLELUJAH!!!! I have my house back!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Robinboots]

So, it's been a whole week now since difficult child moved into his own apartment. Aside from the inevitable partying, about which I've heard rumors, the first thing he did was bake a cake, lol! He also found some "dumpster" furniture, and now has two couches, a book shelf, a TV stand (no TV yet!), and a nightstand. Oh, and a friend of mine gave him a nice oak table and chairs. I took that over there last Sunday, and he had real food in the fridge/freezer (not much) and had even (gasp!) washed dishes.

He has stopped by a few times...conveniently when dinner was ready the first time, and does tend to raid the pantry for trash bags, food, etc. But so far, so good! AND, he got a new job - pretty sure he was fired from one he had, altho he says he quit, and he does still have the other one. Anyway, the new job is 30 or more hours a week, $13 an hour, with benefits! Keep your fingers crossed!

 

[JJJ]

I think many of our difficult child's do better as adults and on their own than under our roofs.

 

[Robinboots]

So I pull into my favorite gas station today, up the street, and walk inside. Who do I see, but difficult child - working! He told me he got a job the other day at the local hospital, and starts Monday...but never mentioned this one! He just started yesterday. The two gals who run the place just kept complimenting him on his RESPONSIBILITY - and me, on raising him! Really???????? They said he was very persistent - whoda thunk, right? - and they finally just hired him. I'm kinda stunned.

He did "quit" one job, or was fired, not sure which. But now he has THREE. Said he has bills to pay now.......

 

[AnnieO]

Sounds like he "got" it... I am hoping... Pretzeled up!!!

 

[HaoZi]

Stubbornness and persistence are pretty close to the same thing - it's applying them that makes a difference.