Old School post "You know you have difficult child If ..........

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Where does that lack of cleanliness come from?
Believe it or not, part of it stems from sensory challenges.
One set of challenging kids has problems with the feel of water and/or soap on their skin (overactive sensory system).
And the other set doesn't feel dirty, or smell it for that matter (underactive sensory system).
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
One set of challenging kids has problems with the feel of water and/or soap on their skin (overactive sensory system).
And the other set doesn't feel dirty, or smell it for that matter (underactive sensory system).

Not sure either one of those apply to mine. He loved bathes and showers when he was young and he's always had a "thing" about getting his hands dirty. Literally to this day he eats pizza with a fork and balances cupcakes on his fingertips to keep the frosting off. Yet he'll let his hands be grubby with dirt...go figure. It seems more apathy about his appearance than anything; like he has no desire to look attractive...or even presentable.

How's this for one:

You know you have a Difficult Child when:

You spend $3,000 on necessary (not cosmetic) orthodontics and the second he leaves the house he not only quits wearing his retainer, but even brushing his teeth, so that they look just as bad as they did when he was 13 before the braces went on. Yet another waste of money.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Now that I think of it I remember my son said he felt very vulnerable in the shower (being naked). He has anxiety. He said he knew it didn't make sense and that he knows he's "safe" when in the shower but at times it could be hard for him. I believe him. I don't think someone could even make that up.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I think it's more of a problem with neurological impaired prople. The mentally ill may not care how they look or smell if they are extremely depressed. But actually the nurses, when I was in a psychiatric hospital, told me that they can tell a depressed person is improving when hygiene goes back to normal.

A nerologically impaired person, such as somebody on the autism spectrum, may really not get the need to be clean. We had a real struggle with our son. He really didn't care what others thought. And he would say,"why take a shower? You just get dirty again." "Why wear clean clothes? They just get dirty." "Nobody cares how I smell."
Somewhere along the line, probably his case manager, taught him that even if HE thought these things were silly, other people valued them. (Heaven forbid he would take this same advice from his parents, right?)
It has helped. Sometimes he still puts on smelly clothes or needs a shower, but it is FAR better. He likes his food service job and knows that he has to have good hygiene there.
This is a real problem for many young adults who don't think like most do.
.
 
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Lil

Well-Known Member
And sometimes it's BOTH a sensory issue and an "I don't get it" issue.

I suspect it's a bit of both. But I don't understand why he went from being a little kid who enjoyed baths and showers to a teen who refused to take them. I almost understand the lack of hair washing - it's curly and when it's greasy it's straighter and he wishes it were straight - not enough to get a decent cut, of course. When he has to cut it for a job he gets a crew cut so he doesn't have to cut it again for months and months until it gets too long again. He just doesn't care what he looks like at all and has said so when I suggested he get an actual "style". He doesn't want to have to mess with it. Pity - he has beautiful hair. Shaving is kind of the same way.

So maybe it's a bit of laziness thrown in?
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
We'll see our son on April 27 which will be six weeks since we dropped him off in Florida. I'm hoping he is clean shaven etc. He does take care of his teeth because he has braces and they were very bad so begged for them and knows we'll murder him if he doesn't. He has not always been great about his teeth though either which is why we were hesitant about braces.

When he was young he was very meticulous about his hair and clothes. Always used gel. Always clean clothes. Wanted only certain clothes. Now he looks awful most of the time and he is so handsome. Heartbreaking. Started with puberty when all the other trouble started.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Started with puberty when all the other trouble started.
Ours too.
Not that he was afraid to get dirty as a youngster. But he also enjoyed getting clean - and being clean.
Now, he does admit that he enjoys "getting" clean - something to be said about a nice soak - but sees no point in getting clean if you're going to be just as dirty an hour after you get to work tomorrow.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Insane - maybe they'll grow out of it. I'd like grandkids someday - and he says he wants to marry and have kids - but won't attract many females this way that's for sure.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Your son is "only" 20.
Give him another 5-10 years. (I know - that's like forever)
Even neurotypical males don't mature until sometime around age 25. Our kids are often a few more years behind that. But it is amazing how many of them start really getting there act together somewhere between 25 and 30.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Even neurotypical males don't mature until sometime around age 25. Our kids are often a few more years behind that. But it is amazing how many of them start really getting there act together somewhere between 25 and 30.

Your lips (fingers?) to God's ear my friend! How excellent would that be?

Never realized that the cleanliness thing might come later - and they might like getting clean when younger.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Lil - it's my only hope, too. Somehow, though, we have to stop the $$ drain in the next couple of years - we somehow have to end up with enough to retire on, and that is coming up FAST.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Thinking about this... Pat has always been a challenge to keep clean. His mother used to complain that we "never let the kids shower", but they'd come to us smelling... Well, horrible. The first thing Belle would do was hop in our shower. Pat, on the other hand, never really got into it. When he was small, we'd bathe him (mostly Bill due to biomom's accusations) - I could do hair when he was in a bubble bath. He did like to sit in the bath and play, though. We did every other day, then pushed to every day when he started doing football. Even so, he'd be in for 2 minutes and then back out, without doing hair, etc. Cold water. Belle started harping on him. Well, apparently his sense of smell is completely gone, as he told us and we also noticed.

But thinking about it, his might stem back to biomom. See, when I met Bill, Pat lived with biomom, Belle, and biogma in a small trailer. I would be willing to bet good money he didn't get much in the way of real bathing, in hot water... Especially as Belle got a little older. Bill did mention that biomom loved LONG HOT showers. Since she worked a lot of 3rd shift... He probably got his bath after her and Belle's showers. If he didn't, she probably had no time in the morning. So he constantly smelled like urine until about 3rd grade when we took over residential.

And, poor kid also inherited biomom's strong body odor... But when you add up all the shower issues as a young'un, that might say something.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
You take your Difficult Child to try on prom dresses. You are in the dressing room and suggest that taking off the jean shorts would give her a better idea how the dress fits. She says "I would, but I didn't put on underwear..." Ksm
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Drug abuse causes bad hygiene too. And I suspect pot use...makes one lazy as a rock if its a daily thing.

in my opinion its more apt to be neurological such as on the spectrum if our kid NEVER bathed happily than if it suddenly developed as a teen or young adult. If it changes suddenly id most suspect alcohol/pot/other drug abuse. Most teens, even boys, try to look and smell great for the opposite sex. I dont think it normally takes until 25. If you are a typical kid, you know you will be ostracized if you look grimy snd have green teeth ;)

Both Jumper and Princess brought a lot of teens home and most, even the young drug users, were clean and attractive. I do think autism and drugs (including pot) cause lots of these hygiene issues. By 25 most young adults sre becoming gainfully employed. Not all, but most. Or they are interviewing like crazy. To work at any sort of halfway decent job, or even go for an interview, you must be clean cut and dress nice. Typical adult kids, who want a job and independence, realize this and adapt to it. Princess even removed her face piercings to job hunt (and she had a ton...eek!)

Well, ok if you work for fast food or as a tatoo artist ;) maybe not. But most jobs. And d cs are in the minority. Sad, yes.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Heres another take on the prom with Princess. When you ask her if she is going to prom: "Only snobby preppies go to prom. I dont even know when it is. Borrrrrrrrring."

Another comment I got: "XXX asked me to PROM! Like id ever go to PROM."
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
OMG both threads are great. Can I say I am shocked to see that others have dealt with some of the exact same things we have? Wow that is such a tie that bonds us here. I have another one:

You know you have a Difficult Child child when:

The trunk of your car is your "rolling" bar and even though it's locked, keys are well hidden, HE finds a way to get into it and drink your best whiskey!!
 
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