Old Timer Here - Grandson Has Problems

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mom_to_3, Jun 1, 2014.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I have kept up with most of you all over the years, but have not had to post issues of my own.

    Our difficult child has a son that is 10 yrs. old. He is a difficult child thru and thru. I could see it from the beginning, honestly. When he was a toddler, I told his parents there were "issue's" and to watch for them and bring it up to his doctor. They did not believe me. In fact they were angry with me. His parents are divorced, but they both are involved.

    Now, 10 yrs. later......... Everyone believes me. :( My difficult child grandson has had problems all along. Very much the same as his mother had. It is hard to describe in words exactly what I see, but it is there. He is definitely ADD. I don't really see the hyper side. School behavior and academics have been an issue since he began. He is immature. He lies. He steals. He sneaks. He cannot maintain friendships. He can be oppositional. He has told me about "people" in his head. You know what I am thinking about that one. He tried to drown his dog. OMG! And he sets fires! I know everything I have just written is horrible! My difficult child daughter said he now has a conduct disorder diagnosis.

    But there is more.... When I talk to my grandson on the phone, it's all about him always. We don't have conversations really other than him asking me when I will come get him to spend the night. He talks and talks and talks about anything. I can tell he is making up things and I will call him on it and he will usually "fess" up. He has a very vivid imagination and it sometimes appears that he is living what he is thinking, if that makes sense. He marches to his own drum.

    Probably out of everyone in his life, we get along the best. He loves to come spend the weekend at our home. But let me tell you, that boy wears me out! He is constantly talking and wanting/needing attention all the time. He doesn't sleep all night, he gets up and sneaks food and chewing gum. He always has a good dinner here, dessert and a bedtime snack of his choosing. When I get up in the morning there are food wrappers hidden in between the couch cushions, and gum wrappers from a package of my gum thrown all over the floor! He doesn't even bother to hide them or put them in the trash. Since this is the norm with him, I give him a pack of gum or a roll of that bubble gum and tell him to have all he wants, but he still does it!

    A couple of weeks ago he was here and we had radishes. He was curious and wanted to try one. I said okay and then he headed to the back yard. I had warned him earlier not to throw ANYTHING in the pool since this has been a persistent problem too. He walked out back and immediately threw the radish in the pool. OMG!

    Last week when I talked to him, he said something to me that just sent up red flags. It's kind of weird since he is 10 yrs. old and really should know better. Let me preface this with two things. Less than a year ago, I had to put my beloved yorkie to sleep. I loved that little guy like he was my child and it really hurt me to lose him. At the end of January, my mother died. I was very close to her and I still cannot even think about her without crying. So when talking to my grandson he said something about great grandma and great grandpa's house and then said "since great grandma died I don't think we should call it her house. I said, "Oh yes, it will always be great grandma’s and great grandpa’s house. Then he says who do you think was more important, Buster or great grandma? I was trying to gather my thoughts and started to say, while both of them were important to me, my mother is most important and I miss her. I couldn't help but cry. And my grandson say's "well, I think Buster since he lived with you.

    I realize he is a child but he is old enough to understand that your own mother would have priority. And it was in the way he said it and the complete lack of empathy he showed. He was close to my mom, and loved going to their house too.

    My difficult child daughter called me today crying. She does not know what to do anymore. Her difficult child son does see the psychiatrist and is on medication but there are still major constant everyday all day problems. Just like she was as a child. I am at a loss as I never found a solution for her either other than a LOT of time and even then she's still a difficult child just in a different way now. She is married and her husband is in the military. She says the doctors do not take her seriously or help her. She feels like they are blowing her off. She says they just raise his ADHD medications but it doesn't help. B/P has been ruled out. He was hospitalized at my insistence when he tried to drown that dog. They kept him there for some time and then did the partial hospitalization.

    I am at a loss and would love to have something or anything to offer her and my grandson. I gave her the number for crisis intervention for there are in hopes of finding another avenue. I am VERY, VERY afraid for his future! Any suggestions?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your grandson and your hurting heart. Did your grandson have drug exposure while your daughter was pregnant? Did she drink? If she was sober, was this child's life a mass of chaos and different caregivers and maybe some neglect or abuse during his first three years? He sounds like a child with attachment disorder. Trying to harm animals and setting fires and two of the BIG THREE READ FLAGS for a child developing psychopathic tendencies, even that young. The third red flag is peeing and pooping inappropriately and even playing with it sometimes. I can tell you right now, even though I'm not a psychiatrist, this is way beyond ADHD. I mean, he may have ADHD, autism, bipolar or anything...but he also is doing some REALLY dangerous things that need more intervention than he is getting. Did he have to deal with multiple boyfriends or girlfriends from Dad and Mom? Flavor of the week, so to speak?

    I am really sorry. If the psychiatrist really knows the worst and all he can come up with is ADHD, I think your daughter needs to take her son to far more knowledgeable psychiatrist. He is seriously lacking in empathy. Conduct Disorder is basically the name for antisocial pesonality disorder in a kid, but that is not diagnosed in childhood. Still, since he is just a child, again, I feel he needs extreme intervention...medications alone will not help this child. He is really going to hurt an animal or person if he keeps this up and then it will be horrible. Also, attachment disordered kids, which is what he could be and sounds like to me, can be very engaging on the outside when they want to get something from the other person. He has many symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. Even the nonstop talking about nothing and everything is a symptom. Lying is a big symptom. Your daughter should rehome the dog. He may be abusing it.

    We lived with a child who had attachment disorder. Not saying this is what he has, but he is definitely on his way to big trouble if it isn't addressed now and with a lot of the best quality psychiatric care.If your daughter waits until the teen years and he is out of control and maybe into drugs and crime...it is too late to pull him back.

    Is he ever inappropriately sexual, such as showing people his private parts or touching Mom or anyone in her private places or touching school children? That CAN go with these symptoms. If so, he was probably abused sometimes in his past. Often kid's little minds block out the abuse, but deep inside they remember and act out on others. If your daughter or son-in-law had a slew of girlfriends/boyfriends passing through, there is risk that he was perped on and no longer even remembers it. This happened to us...along with the animal abuse, the fires and the inappropriate peeing and pooping in the house. Our child, who we had adopted, acted to our face like he loved our dog, but he killed him. He set little fires in his room in front of our youngest two and told them he'd burn the house down because he's the Devil and they believed him enough not to tell us what he was doing (he was sexually perping on them as well).

    Maybe it is not this bad right now. Your daughter needs to make sure it doesn't get that bad.

    I'm so sorry that this is happening. Please take care. I would not leave your grandson alone with any pets and lock up any matches or lighters in your home. Trying to drown a dog is serious. Our child tried to do that before he finally killed him, but the dog was rescued. My youngest kids were too afraid to say they saw him throw the dog into the lake and it was a miracle he didn't drown the first time. If your daughter has younger kids, well, I'd take precautions just in case.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2014
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your grandson and your hurting heart. Did your grandson have drug exposure while your daughter was pregnant? Did she drink? If she was sober, was this child's life a mass of chaos and different caregivers and maybe some neglect or abuse during his first three years? He sounds like a child with attachment disorder. Trying to harm animals and setting fires and two of the BIG THREE READ FLAGS for a child developing psychopathic tendencies, even that young. The third red flag is peeing and pooping inappropriately and even playing with it sometimes. I can tell you right now, even though I'm not a psychiatrist, this is way beyond ADHD. I mean, he may have ADHD, autism, bipolar or anything...but he also is doing some REALLY dangerous things that need more intervention than he is getting. Did he have to deal with multiple boyfriends or girlfriends from Dad and Mom? Flavor of the week, so to speak?

    I am really sorry. If the psychiatrist really knows the worst and all he can come up with is ADHD, I think your daughter needs to take her son to far more knowledgeable psychiatrist. He is seriously lacking in empathy. Conduct Disorder is basically the name for antisocial pesonality disorder in a kid, but that is not diagnosed in childhood. Still, since he is just a child, again, I feel he needs extreme intervention...medications alone will not help this child. He is really going to hurt an animal or person if he keeps this up and then it will be horrible. Also, attachment disordered kids, which is what he could be and sounds like to me, can be very engaging on the outside when they want to get something from the other person.

    We lived with a child who had attachment disorder. Not saying this is what he has, but he is definitely on his way to big trouble if it isn't addressed now and with a lot of the best quality psychiatric care.If your daughter waits until the teen years and he is out of control and maybe into drugs and crime...it is too late to pull him back.

    Is he ever inappropriately sexual, such as showing people his private parts or touching Mom or anyone in her private places or touching school children? That CAN go with these symptoms. If so, he was probably abused sometimes in his past. Often kid's little minds block out the abuse, but deep inside they remember and act out on others. If your daughter or son-in-law had a slew of girlfriends/boyfriends passing through, there is risk that he was perped on and no longer even remembers it. This happened to us...along with the animal abuse, the fires and the inappropriate peeing and pooping in the house. Our child, who we had adopted, acted to our face like he loved our dog, but he killed him. He set little fires in his room in front of our youngest two and told them he'd burn the house down because he's the Devil and they believed him enough not to tell us what he was doing (he was sexually perping on them as well).

    Maybe it is not this bad right now. Your daughter needs to make sure it doesn't get that bad.

    I'm so sorry that this is happening. Please take care. I would not leave your grandson alone with any pets and lock up any matches or lighters in your home. Trying to drown a dog is serious. Our child tried to do that before he finally killed him, but the dog was rescued. My youngest kids were too afraid to say they saw him throw the dog into the lake and it was a miracle he didn't drown the first time. If your daughter has younger kids, well, I'd take precautions just in case.
     
  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Thank you. I'll pass on your words!
     
  5. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Children that try to drown dogs are disturbed and unhappy. One can dress it up with this or that medical label but you have already told us that your grandson's early life was disrupted and that he spent time in foster care. I don't know what the answer is other than recommending therapy for him and his parents, but I don't suppose feeding him medications is the sole solution.
     
  6. layne

    layne Member

    If you can afford it, put him into boarding school now, even if you have to refinance your home. Boarding schools majority of students are ones with bad behavior, so they are well equip to deal with them. There is a link for affordable ones. Get rid of the guilt because being with you and your daughter is NOT right for him. Do not allow him to come back, ESPECIALLY as a teenager. That would be a disaster waiting to happen. In boarding school they will teach him the right way to act. If you need the link, message me. I wish I could have afforded it. My difficult child didn't start having problems until teenager years. It's been a nightmare.
     
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't have any answers - but wanted to say that I completely empathize with you on this. My 7 year old grandson is in the midst of a crisis right now and verbalizing suicidal thoughts. No beds available for a kid his age. It's a very helpless feeling ... with a huge dose of PTSD thrown in for me, remembering going through all that with his mother.

    Many hugs to you - sending positive thoughts your way. I hope they can get your grandson a good evaluation and keep him, and others, safe.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can you put him in Day Treatment? My friends adopted two young children (bio. siblngs) and both were heading towards attachment disorder and other issues and were impossible. With help from social services, they were enrolled in a Day Treatment school which was headed by a psychiatrist but had certified teachers.

    The Day Treatment did absolutely nothing for the little boy, who probably has many issues...they aren't even sure what. Schizophrenia is possible because his birthmother has it, but he has also shown an unnatural interest in young children: "I'm attracted to them" so he can no longer live at home. So it doesn't always work. BUT....

    The little girl, who was at one time worse than her brother, who screamed constantly that her mother wasn't her mother, she wanted a black mother (this couple was interracial and the little girl used the race card), and she would not listen to anything and was even distructive in the house...something hit a cord with her in Day Treatment. She slowly started becoming more compliant, more interested in having a decent life, more loving and obedient toward her parents. She is about twelve or thirteen now and is in school sports, doing ok in academics, and best of all behaves well and is attached to her family. It is a joy to see her selling Girl Scout cookies and waving with a big smile that we rarely saw when she was young.

    The girl is back in regular school with friends and Mom is still in shock two years later.Sadly, the little boy is worse when he visits, but isn't it better that they knew about his interest in young girls? They do have a ten year old daughter who he admitted he was attracted to. He is in a place that keeps him safe and others safe from him, but is not improving.Still, it is a psychiatric facility and he IS constantly getting help. Time will tell if it does the trick.

    I think it's always better to know what is going on and it's much better to be safe than sorry.

    Every time I see this little girl, who I held the day she arrived, I just feel so good inside, knowing how far she has come and how far she can go. And the parents did not/could not have paid for the Day Treatment. The State paid for it as they knew about the problems this family was having and their sincere desire to help the children the best they could. Has your daughter involved social services? They can be a pain, but also a lifesaver.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2014
  9. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I appreciate your responses. *I* cannot put him in day treatment or boarding school. He is not my child. What I can do is try to guide my daughter in the right direction for her child and educate her as to the severity of his problems.

    We have not always had the best of relationships, so I was really surprised when she called me crying saying she can't do this anymore. What an odd position to be in because I felt very much the same when she was a child. Her personality was very much the same as her sons except for the fire setting and violence towards animals.

    We have talked about her growing up years now that she is a mother. I have explained my actions and frustrations with her behaviors, but it is not something either of us dwell on. I cringe because every time she calls me to share info on my grandson, I know exactly how frustrated she feels and the desperation trying to get help or get a professional to listen and understand and really "hear" you. I can't say to her each time, oh, that is exactly how you were! I don't volunteer that statement unless she asks me. She is adopted and her bio family have a very strong genetic tendency towards this behavior. Bio mom, my daughter and now her son. Also bio mom had another daughter who ended up being even more of a difficult child (and I do know that her adoptive mom told me she did set fires and had issue's with animals) and her children inherited the trait also. Oh my goodness!
     
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