OMG, can he come up with-ANYthing else to screw up or lie about?????

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, May 8, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Remember when difficult child stole and used my credit card to renew his subscription to Xbox on Microsoft? There's more.
    He bought 4000 credits to upgrade his war games. And today, all of a sudden, his game got cut off and flashed a renewal on the screen. I told him it was a ripoff and we'd already pd $49.99 for the renewal. He had a fit because he wanted to game NOW and husband and I told him to chill out while husband called the XBox people. (I didn't know it was owned by Microsoft but apparently it is.) husband was shocked to find out that the $49.99 was not for the renewal--that was $60. difficult child had lied:fellforit: and purchased points for an addt'l $49.99, and was kicked off when he told the employee his screen name: Weedsmoker.
    You can't use drugs or sex or foul language as sign-in names or they kick you off!
    husband said, "You know those people who used to light a cigar with-a $50 bill that we thought were so stupid? We just did that."
    "This is ridiculous," difficult child said.
    "This is what's called Natural Consequences," I said. (I love private companies! And natural consequences!!! difficult child knew it wasn't "our fault" this time.)
    difficult child started to cry.

    On top of it, that nice friend from his former school who he started hanging out with-this past weekend?
    Her dad called tonight, totally angry and nearly out of control. Turns out his perfect 15-yr-old daughter took a photo of her bare breasts and sent it to difficult child's phone.:deletesmiley2:
    Here I was, saying online, "I can't wait until he breaks up with-his girlfriend. This new one is so normal!"
    NOT.
    Turns out that his girlfriend, the cutter with-anxiety issues, is the so-called honorable one, and this other friend is "a freak."
    "Do you know what a freak is?" difficult child asked us?
    "NO" we both said, knowing that his definition is not the same as ours.
    "Basically, she's a ho."
    "So you went over to her house knowing that?"
    "I didn't do anything!" he shouted.
    He told us that her dad was home, and that he could be there from noon until 5:00 p.m. husband drove him--45 min in another city--and never went to the door. Oops.
    He did meet S, who smiles, looks you in the eye, has no tattoos, stands up straight, says Please and Thank you and all the right things. She went to private school with-difficult child 2 yrs ago. She lives in a wonderful house in wonderful neighborhood.:fellforit:
    When I drove to pick him up, I got lost and was nearly 1/2 hr late. difficult child called, asking where I was. Their development has a very common name and I wove in and out of every cul-de-sac within a 6 mi radius.
    When I got to the house, they came to the door and she seemed so normal and cute, had on a cute sun dress, was very polite. I did think it was odd that difficult child, who is normally very shy and restrained, gave her a hug and a kiss, right in front of me. He has talked toher on the ph and FB at a friend's house (he does not have computer privileges at home) but wow, that was pretty familiar for not seeing one another for so long.
    And where was the dad?
    Now I know that the reason there was a time constraint was not that the parents had asked him to leave by dinnertime, but that the dad was coming home and S had planned this out behind his back. Her mom was out of town, which we did not know, and supposedly, her sister was home. But she apparently spent the whole time in her room, ignoring them.
    I am hoping that it was only a boob shot and nothing more.

    So we got on difficult child's case, and told him that he was cheating on his girlfriend, and asked him what he would do if she saw the picture. He showed us the picture, and showed us the texts back and forth. "What do you think?" "Makes me want you." (Uh duh!)
    He saw her on Saturday. The picture was sent Mon.

    S's dad said that difficult child is never to speak to her again. husband said fine, we completely understand. He said S's dad was almost crying on the phone. Obviously, he took her phone away.

    So, this a.m., I got a text from difficult child. "Good luck. I hope your colonoscopy goes smoothly."
    WOW! I asked husband how much he had to pay difficult child to do that. He had no idea he had done it. Plus, everything was perfectly grammatical and there were no abbreviations. "What did you say to scare him?"
    "I told him that you were going to have a procedure done in the hospital and that you were going to be groggy and to leave you alone."
    He bought a huge Godiva choc bar today and snuck it to difficult child to give me "as an early Mother's Day present." Very cute. I thanked difficult child and all was going very well.

    Plus, today difficult child worked through lunch with-his science teacher and got caught up on two assignments, and stayed after school and worked with-the Spanish teacher and the math teacher. He is behind on everything ... his brain just doesn't "get" that if he pd attention in class, he wouldn't have to stay after. Anyway, he texted me about it and asked if it was okay to split the time and I said yes.

    And then we get the Xbox issue, and 3 hrs later, the call from the dad.

    So, all of you with-experience in these matters, does this escalate? I'm thinking that if S's dad hadn't caught them, that the next time we dropped off difficult child, they'd have been at it like bunnies. :nervoussmiley:And if Xbox hadn't cut off difficult child for using drug terminology, we would have gone our merry way for a cpl more months.

    We just can't seem to keep up with-him! I really, really want to send him to an all-male boarding school or military place but I don't have the money. He's a walking catastrophe.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2012
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Wow. I can't offer any suggestions but I can send support and (((HUGS))) your way.
     
  3. notsureeither

    notsureeither New Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your son's trials and tribulations. As I read your post, it reminded me of my 15 year old son who is about to turn 16. I know he is lying when he opens his mouth. When a week goes by and I think that perhaps things are getting better, no crisis looming, then something AWFUL happens. I am in a tug of war with this kid. I shut his phone off and then I cannot reach him and its more like a punishment for me! My son was caught at school passing on a "sexting" photo and was suspended for a few weeks. Once that happened last November, it all came crashing down. If it was one thing, the next week it was something else. We know he smokes pot, drinks, is sexually active, doesn't care about school, argues with anyone in an authoritative position. I cannot even think straight because I am always worried about what mess he is going to get into.
     
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, notsureeither!

    I know what you mean about the phone. It's the one thing I can use as a control weapon, plus, he loves to text and we can text with-o losing our tempers, much better than face-to-face.

    I think it's time to talk to my son about what he plans to do for birth control. I will research male birth control online first. Just in case.
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. Yes, husband says you can tell when difficult child is lying because his lips are moving. ;)

    He told me he finished two assignments in science today while working with-his science teacher during lunch.
    She emailed and said he finished one.

    Even the good stuff is a lie. I just don't get it.
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    THIS part, I get. difficult child was there. Big time.

    When a kid has to push mountains ahead of him on every front..., when school works against him and sometimes inadvertently family does to... when they spend years telling the truth and being called a liar for doing so...

    THEN it seems like there is no success. Even the real successes are not success, because they are so far "down" and so far behind. They don't have hope.

    difficult child isn't so much like that now... its been getting better. But... when they are in THIS state? Its really difficult.
     
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You just described my 15 year old son. I thought for a moment that mine had teleported to your house.
     
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Terry... You have a male version of Onyxx... :hugs:

    What can I say except... It's possible he will get better! (I am really hoping for your sake!)
     
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    Interesting insight about being so far under that he has to inflate everything. Sigh.
    The rest of it ... dunno. Trying not to let it get me under. I have to remember that sex is a normal urge, especially for kids, and that difficult children exaggerate and mess up everything X 10.
     
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Insight doesn't make it any less frustrating, though!
    {{hugs}}
     
  11. Terry - I have to agree with the lips are moving = lying thing. I feel the same way about my difficult child son.

    If he was there from noon - 5 with this 'freak' girl then something happened. Not saying it went all the way but it definitely wasn't 'nothing'.

    I know for sure my difficult child is having sex and he wonders why I won't let him sleep over at girlfriend's house!? Duh!

    NotsureEither - I could have written your post exactly - except for the sexting photo - with my difficult child he went from sexting to online porn and anonymous sex websites. And $400 cell phone bill before he got caught. Ugh! Now he is actually having sex with girlfriend - I guess he has substituted that for the porn but I still don't trust him - going to get him a phone with blocked data.

    So, yes, I guess it can escalate and with a difficult child I think we should assume that it will and do something about it.

    Wish I had something better for you but I would be sure to nip this relationship in the bud if you can. It's heading in the wrong direction quickly.

    Hugs for the rest of the week being better.
     
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Terry, can you block picture messages on his phone? My nephews can't send or receive pictures at all. They do leave the reg. text on but have the controls where the messages are saved so she can read all of it and it is clear to all of them that their text messages are not private.

    I know it is easy to say well just get rid of x box and all of that, but living with a kid who has intense interests that cause hysterics, I know how hard that thought is. I can only work to contain it or have him earn time (for us NASCAR, we dont have any gaming systems at all, I dont even have his computer on the internet anymore). to watch his races. I should get rid of cable because I have so much trouble financially, but honestly it is the only thing that saves me when he is totally upset at times.

    Nothing is easy.......... hugs
     
  13. Buddy - I'm not sure but I think if you put a data block on the phone then there can't be any picture texts or any online access from the phone either. Unless of course they hook up to wifi.

    Technology can be so detrimental sometimes.
     
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Terry I am sorry you have reached this stage with your difficult child. My son was 15 when an 18year old difficult child down the street decided she wanted a baby and seduced him. He was sneaking out every night sleeping with her in her room and then sneaking back in at 5am. I gathered it went on for about two weeks before we caught him. I called the mother and told her what was going on and that I wanted them seperated. Mother was great took the girl to doctor got her on BC and honored my wishes. It turned out the girl was adopted and had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Once my difficult child was out of the picture she immediately hooked up with another boy. Less than two years later we saw her pushing a baby carriage around town. She told us she was married and had two kids. She was still living with her adopted parents.

    As for my difficult child he became hyper-sexual. I do not know if it would have happened anyway but I really wish he had not been seduced at such a young emotional age (at 15 he was LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD). He now cannot live without a girlfriend and with his history and record believe me when I tell you that none of them are anything to write home about.

    I hope you can get through to your son. He is young you still have some control. (((HUGS))) -RM
     
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First of all, the girl he was alone with. he lied about prents being home. What is the consequence for that? He also cheated on his girlfriend. What is the FAMILY stand on cheating on your sig other? This is NOT NOT NOT a private matter. It IS IS IS a family matter. This comes down to BASIC human values, not privacy. You NEED to send a super clear message about how it is NOT okay to cheat on his girlfriend, and he needs to TELL his girlfriend even though it will be hard. He also needs to find a way to make this up tot he FAMILY for disappointing the FAMILY (ncluding himself). Unless you want him to grow up to be a man who thinks it is just fine as long as no one knows. After all, he probably enjoyed it very much (big reward) andif it isn't a big deal to anyone, then why would he deny himself?

    I KNOW all the privacy, he is growing up and learnng for himself, type koi. But he isn't. How many of th social rules did he get by 'himself' with-o you pushing and remindng etc... about a million times?? No matter how clear this is to you, it isn't going to be to him because, well, it was FUN and pleasurable and that kind of fun and pleasure just beg to be repeated. As he is a difficult child with little innate understanding (caring? comprehension? not sure which fits better here) of how others feel or why he should care you need to work to inject your values and to give him hard, firm guidelines bc it probably is the only way he will grasp it at least for now.

    Next issue is the sexting. It is illegal. In some states they are sending teens to prison and/or putting them on the sex offender registry for sending pics of naed teens. Evens ending a pci of yourself to boyfriend just one time qualifies for some judges. these teens are charged with child port - having it if they receive the text, having and distributing it if they are the one who sent the sext. This is serious business. Does difficult child go to school with this girl? Wht are the school regulations regarding sexting? Can you talk to the VP or guidance counselor about setingm, school rules, etc...?

    I would also call the police dept and ask about how sexting is handled? Just in case the girl's dad tries to press charges. The girl could send it to more than just difficult child and then tell her dad that difficult child did it. Then it would be up to some tech guru to figure out who sent it to whom. BUT it would be difficult to handle, and it would land difficult child with a reputation that he does NOt want.

    husband needs to have some major consequences for not making double dang sure that a parent was home and not just a sister. Personally I would start by asking if he prefers Grandpa or Grandad? After all, he did just give his son a ride to a sexual liaison with a teenage female. there is every chance that the kids did not use bc properly if at all. I don't know if difficult child has gone to the doctor for some open, honest info from a guy on the long term effects of sex on his health, the mother of his chld's health (if they have a child when she is a teen)and the problems the child is likely to have. Then some open talk about birth control, never trusting that the girl is on the pill or is using a diaphragm, and STDs is in order.

    Plus, he should have an exam for STDs. As thorough as possible. Incl bloodwork for things like Hepatitis, Aids, and other things. I know our pediatrician office is AMAZING if you let them know ahead of tme. Dr. S scared the livng bejeebers out of Wiz and still kept Wiz' respect!

    I don't know if your husband is going to be able to do the doctor appointment with-o the 'boys will be boys' wink wink nudge nudge stuff that is sooo stupidly prevalent. So this is something that you and husband should do to gether if possible. Most docs will NOT take this lightly, esp pediatricians, because they deal wth those babies after the fun is gone and Mom is too young and tired and scared and dependent to care for the child.

    This is NOT an issue I would let difficult child just muddle through. I would make sure he tripped on as many of the potential hazards as possible in the hopes that he would NEVER do this agan. Not sure it is the right way, but it is what my gut says to do.

    As for the xbox money, what consequence have you been using? Is there a way that ALL purchases for xbox must be made at a store (a card to buy like for some things?) and no $$ can ever be spend via the xbox controls again? I know I have been successful at tracking spending on other online stuff this way. You and husband BOTH must be firmly committed to NEVER allowing him to purchase ANYTHING via the xbox again. You BOTH must be able to withstand the begging, anger, threats, etc... and insist he wait to go get a card or whatever. It won't be easy. IF you and husband see just how important this is, then you might be able to get some long term success with this. If you or husband give in bc it is too hard to go get a card or make difficult child wait, this isn't going to stop.

    These are just ideas. I hope I don't sound too harsh. I am really tired and have a migaine, so if I am not my normal self, or I am too blunt, I am sorry.
     
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry...you need to take a very hard stance here. Your son has broken a law now that the cops and schools are coming down extremely hard on right now. If he sends that file out to anyone or if the girl tells anyone about it and says she sent it to him and anyone checks your phone logs, you guys are going to be in deep doo doo. Criminal charges will be filed.

    I would get him one of those old phones off Ebay that only make phone calls and block all texts on that phone. He would not have the chance to say boo.

    Perhaps if the electronics are that enticing, maybe he needs to ween off them just like someone who is addicted to cigarettes. Playing that much really isnt good for him anyway.
     
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree.
    We are seeing the therapist at 1:30. We've already talked about most of those things, SusieStar, and thought we'd take a break and talk about the rest today.
    I personally watched him delete the msgs and asked him if he had sent the picture to anyone. He looked at me like I was nuts and said of course not. I really want to believe him, for the girl's sake. I asked him how many people she had sent that to and he said he didn't know. I said it's very scary because it can go to the Internet and she could be in big trouble and he said he knows.
    He is signed up for a police camp in June. One day is spent on sexting. Better that the details and reiteration comes from them. We have talked about it at the dinner table, I have pointed out articles in the newspaper, and then in real life this week, he's gotten it up close and personal. So I hope the class is the last nail in the coffin.
    We talked to him several times about why he should have sent back a txt saying he cannot accept pics like that and how upset we are that he just bought into it ... in writing.
    I do think it's interesting that the nickname for a "ho" is a "freak." Says something about the values, anyway.
    I am going to TMobile to see what I can cut off on his contract. Don't forget that husband signed a 2-yr contract when he negotiated to get rid of the $600 or whatever it was that difficult child racked up a few mo's ago. We may have to confiscate the phone anyway and just let it be money down the drain. Better than a kid in the clinker.
     
  18. terry - I think you are handling this very well. That police camp could not come at a better time - what a great way to reinforce what you are trying to say and it coming from the authorities themselves. Yeah for that!

    I know how you feel about the phone. husband and I signed a 2 year contract for difficult child's phone and we still have 8 months left on it. I feel like I have to go get him a different phone that is incapable of data because he racked up a little over $400 in charges on his phone not long ago. We took it away from him for 3 months but when he moved back in we agreed to give it back to him and trust him again. Well, that lasted 4 days and now he is gone again.

    I still want him to have a phone so I can keep in touch with him but I don't want him to be capable of running up the bill. There is one company that has unlimited calling with no long distance and unlimited texting. Just have to check and see if I can block all data and/or get a phone with no data capabilities. Then I'll trade phones with him. But we will have 8 months worth of payments that will go down the drain before we can get out of the other contract. I can understand.

    Good luck with further conversation today - I hope it goes well.
     
  19. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Just reading this brought back so many memories/nightmares of what life was like when difficult child 1 was about the same age as your difficult child is now. I wish I could say it'll get easier, but from personal experience, sorry to say, things got much worse before they improved. Sorry!! I thought about deleting the part about things getting much worse first but decided to leave it. Even though I don't want to scare you, unfortunately, difficult child 1 seemed to always be at least one step ahead of us no matter how smart we thought we were.

    Like welcometowitsend, I think you're handling the situation really well. Police camp is a great idea - Wish we had thought of that one for difficult child 1! I agree that when information comes from a source other then us, it has the best chance of sinking into our difficult children's brains. Keeping my fingers crossed this totally seals the coffin... I hope you have good luck at TMobile but at the very worst, I agree that it's better to flush the money down the toilet then to let your difficult child keep that phone.

    The timing of his therapist appointment is perfect. I'll be thinking of you today and hoping that the therapist is able to get through to him... When you get a chance, fill us in. Hugs... SFR
     
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I didn't plan the timing of the appointment to be perfect. The therapist called me last night while I was in crisis and they slid us into an appointment today. THEY made it a perfect time. :)
     
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