OMG - he lied again!!!

[JKF]

Again!!! Wth???? difficult child 2 has been lying a LOT lately. He's been lying about chores being done, grades, homework, etc. Nonstop lying! He was never this bad but lately its constant. He knows I check up on things that seem "fishy" yet he continues to lie. Today he was supposed to get some worksheets that he missed and needs for a test Friday. When I asked him after school he said he got them. When I asked to see them after homework he said he left the folder at school. When I said I was calling the teacher he finally came clean and said he didn't get them. Then he had the nerve to say he should get credit for telling the truth since he eventually did admit to lying after I said I was calling the teacher. Ughhhh what???? I had to walk away at that point.

So tell me, how do I deal with the constant lying and break this cycle?? I don't know what to do! I'm so so so frustrated right now!

 

[buddy]

Crazy lying! I wish I knew. Today q stood in front of me saying he isn't wearing his snowy wet shoes in the house. Problem was he was upstairs standing right in front of me and had just walked in so I knew they were the ones he wore to school ...uggggg.

 

[tammybackagain]

Think this is just a difficult child trait, difficult child seems to be lying all the time, when caught it's i'm sorry, I didn't mean to... grrr....

 

[Bunny]

Or he could be like my difficult child and continue to lie, even when it's been pointed out to him that we know he's lying. Honestly, it makes me want to scream.

 

[DDD]

been there done that............years ago. How can one not have sex but test positive for pregnancy. Sigh. I lost my innocence when GFGmom became a teen. No aswers. Just empathy. DDD

 

[JKF]

Ok DDD - that one definitely tops mine!! Praying I won't have to deal with THAT kind of thing for a while!! lol

And thanks for the support ladies! I know you all know what this feels like. I'm so darn frustrated with it today and I feel like he's going to be grounded forever! How do we move forward from this? It's torture to husband and I as well when he's grounded (probably even more so than it is to him) but we have to stay firm. My biggest fear is he will never stop lying and we'll all be miserable forever! God help me!!!

 

[TeDo]

Just a thought but, what do you say when he's busted lying? Do you calmly ask him why he lied or do you do like typical parents and tell him he's busted and you're tired of the lying and dish out a punishment? It would be interesting if you used Ross Greene's methods to figure out what is behind the lying.

I used to lie to my mom a lot when I was a teen. In my case, it was 1)self-preservation to avoid the beating I'd get for doing/not doing what I wasn't/was supposed to do OR 2) to cover for the fact that I wasn't perfect because I was always trying to be "good enough" for my mom. Whenever I got "busted" my mom reacted in the latter fashion I asked about above.

Just some food for thought.

 

[JKF]

TeDo - I admit I do both. I'm actually rather calm at first but at a certain point when I know he's lying I tell him I know and I give him a chance to come clean. When he continues to lie that's when I get angry. He knows there will be a consequence for not doing what he's supposed to do (usually no electronics and early bed time) and that's what he wants to avoid by lying. So I do actually "get" that part but then how do we ever teach him to be responsible and not to lie without giving any consequences? It's a catch 22.

 

[TerryJ2]

JKF, I think it's a defense mechanism that just turns into a bad habit. Really.
My husband once told difficult child, when he was going through a lying streak, that if he told him the truth, there would be no punishment. Just that he HAD to tell the truth. I nearly dropped my teeth. difficult child had gone through lighting matches, to stealing from my purse, to numerous other things that had to stop.
But difficult child did tell the truth. It worked.
I tried it a few times after that, but boy, was it hard! I had to guess when it would be beneficial to get the truth out of him and when it would be beneficial to yell and put him in time out. (In fact, right now he has no bedroom door so we can see what's going on in there at all times.)
One thing we did was sit there with him until he talked. Usually, it didn't take more than an hour. We just sat. No one talked. We waited. And waited. Finally, difficult child broke down and told us. After that, there was less of a time issue, and eventually he'd come home from school and tell us immediately that something had gone wrong (iow, something he had done wrong). It really saved a lot of time, not to mention yelling.
Now, I can't guarantee that it will work. But I do know that it's worth a try.
difficult child still lies. Mostly now, he omits the truth. When they're in their mid-teens, their lying is occasionally sophisticated. But now he just does stupid stuff, like if he's grounded at home, and I run an errand, he'll text me and ask when I'm coming home, and can I pick up a burger for him?
No. If you're grounded, you don't get a special treat.
Plus, chances are, your girlfriend is on her way over or already at the house. And the texting is just to see how far away I am.
That's more typical teen.
It never ends.

 

[InsaneCdn]

This is the 12 yr old? And the only diagnosis is ADHD?

Just my experience but... there may be a WHOLE lot more going on with this kid than you know - or than he knows. As in... perhaps multiple missing dxes.

ADHD does stand alone, but more often, it has companions...
- learning disabilities
- auditory processing disorders - at this age, more likely to be subtle, like auditory figure ground
- supposedly minor motor skills issues, but when put to the test, they can't keep up - either in PE, or in tasks that require listening-and-writing or thinking-and-writing.

There's more - that's just off the top of my head.

My difficult child... didn't really hit the wall until about grade 6 or so... at which point, he dropped straight off the edge of the cliff, and we're still scrambling to make up for what we lost. But... the "missing dxes" have been found (see above list...) and the accommodations, interventions and medications HAVE made a difference.

INCLUDING a major impact on his need to tell lies. Not gone... part of it is habit, but we're winning.