omg, help me, i hit my ds today.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by momof3boys, Feb 13, 2007.

  1. momof3boys

    momof3boys New Member

    I never ever in a million years thought I'd hit one of my children. My oldest son (5yo) has ADHD, and has actually been doing well lately (he started Adderall in August and it changed our lives). However, we still do have some really bad days and this was one of them. We were at MOPs which is a christian support group of sorts for moms. I picked up my 3 kids from the child care that was provided, and brought them up to the main room, because some of the women were meeting afteward to plan some stuff. Anyway, my ds was playing chasing games, etc with some of the other kids and starting to escalate a bit. He grabbed a small bottle of water and threw it, and one of the moms ran after him and took the bottle and put it in my pocket and told him that his mommy would give it back to him after the meeting. This woman and my child have a little history because my son hit hers last year. So, I was mortified that she saw my son misbehaving again, and even more mortified that she responded to his behavior before I had a chance to. Anyway, he continued to act up more and more, and as we were leaving, he layed down on the ground and refused to put his coat on. (Meanwhile, my 10month old & 3 year old are starting to cry). I wrestled him into his coat, with everyone's eyes on us, and had to force him to stand up. As we were leaving he blew raspberries at me, and so I put him into time out in another room. Then my three year old took off his coat and refused to put it back on. All of these women were watching me, adn I felt like I had absolutely no control over my kids. After my 5yo's time out was over, I knelt down to talk to him and he spit at me right in the face, and I just automatically without thinking, slapped him right across the face. I can't believe I did that. I feel so horrible. I apologized to him over and over, and he seems okay about it, but I can't get over it. I feel like the worse mom ever. What am I going to do? How can I care for my kids when I can't keep my own emotions in check. Please help me.
     
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member


    I am sorry you are feeling badly. I can understand your feelings of frustration with so much stacking up on top of itself. You have apologized and will try to do better...that is enough. forgive yourself, you haven't damaged you child, maybe he will not spit next time he is mad, he'll probably do something else but maybe not spit. Yes he has special needs and you need to be aware of and consider them when you are dealing with him and it sounds like you do. I can also say, hard as it is, you should try not to care what mothers of pcs think of you, they will not understand and will judge harshly but it is hard to not be influenced but their looks..one of the many times you need rhino skin. Tommorrow is a new day, enjoy it...and go read my post bad weekend.
     
  3. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    There's not a mom here who hasn't said or done something that they later regretted directed towards their difficult child. We are human--not-superhuman so forgive yourself and move on. If it makes you feel any better the other day I told my daughter to shut up. I *never* use that term but I was dealing with a situation with my boys and she was persistently butting in with her side of the story and it just erupted. I'm not thrilled (my boys were to get some dirt on their mom!) but you just have to move on. Occasional mistakes are signs we are human and most kids don't even remember this stuff as long it's the exception and not the rule.

    A good tip next time that difficult child is difficult and/or heading for out of control: ask the other moms to help get your PCs to the car for you. They'll be glad to help and it will be far less humiliating for you.
     
  4. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>Don't be too tough on yourself. I agree with SRL that there isn't a mother alive who doesn't have regrets. You know how bad it feels and try to channel your emotions. It's tough. There are days when I fantasized stapling his tongue so he would quit being oppositional. Not one of my most stellar parenting moments. I try hard to see what I'm doing and evaluate whether that is the sort of parent I want to be. I have stumbled so many times that I think my knees are permanently bruised.
    You apologized. You start fresh tomorrow. It's all we can do. Hugs. I know you are mortified. I bet all those mother's identified with your frustration.
    by the way, I hate spitting too. </span>
     
  5. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    I'm sorry you are feeling so badly...I know I've done it as well (Actually just as I was reading your post I was thinking about using that strategy myself)...You didn't beat him...you didn't abuse him. Next time try not to let him get to you...don't worry about what the others are thinking. I'm sure he has already forgotten about it. It's too bad that often our kids don't learn from anything so the slap was useless. It's time to move on.
    Sending hugs-
     
  6. needabreak

    needabreak New Member

    I know just how you feel.Iwas leaving school with my son the other day and he was giving me a hard time and he was getting mad and came out and called me s.o.b. right in front of teachers.my hand went right across his mouth.but befour i said sorry to him he said sorry first.i do not believe in spanking but sometimes it is not going to hurt.your not leaving any marks on them.i think that is a big promblem now a days the parents are afraid of there children.i mean i know older kids who say ill call the cops if you touch me .i know this is a toucy subject but with some children they do need better disaplin.i know now it does not work with my one son cause he does have serious promblem but my other son if he touches or does something that he is not suppose to ill give him a tap on the bottom and he dont do it no more.but dont blame yourself you are going through a lot and could probly use a break.have you ever looked into repite care.where some one will come watch your child so you can have a break.
     
  7. mightymouse

    mightymouse Trying to save the day.

    You shouldn't feel ashamed, but those other mom's who didn't even offer to help should. I have offered my help before and I will do it again if I think a mother (or grandmother as was the case where I offered and she graciously accepted my assistance) might need it. I can't imagine what it would be like trying to deal with my son and have two other little ones to care for. My hat's off to you. Don't beat yourself up. Feel proud that you came to these boards for support!
     
  8. momof3boys

    momof3boys New Member

    Thank you, thank you, thank you ladies! You've all made me feel so much better. I don't know what I'd do without this board. I really do need to grow some thicker skin when it comes to easy child parents. My ds has completely forgotten about the slap as far as I can tell. My husband tried to get him to talk about it last night over dinner . . . "how was your day?" - "great". "did you go to mops?" - "yup". "how was it?" - "great!". "anything happen at mops?" - "Nope". So, at least I don't think I damaged him short term.

    I wish I wasn't so sensitive to what other parents think, but I am. I just can't help it. I can't stand for them to think that I'm a bad parent. I'm not! If they only knew how great a parent I am. It makes me so mad at myself that I let them get to me, and then took it out on my sweet little boy. I've got to figure out how to ignore the looks. I don't want to have another repeat of yesterday. My kids deserve better.

    Thanks again for all your support. I feel much much better. And a little empowered. Thanks!!!!!!
     
  9. needabreak

    needabreak New Member

    i know we are all wonderful parents.and it does hurt when people see a bad child right away they think it is the parents fault and you know what its not.i know one lady who has a autistic son and when they go out and people start talking she has these little cards that say what is wrong with there child then they think twice befour saying something .your doing a great job just hang in there.
     
  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Hugs}}} How are you doing today?
     
  11. momof3boys

    momof3boys New Member

    We're doing much better today. We're snowed in, and the kids are actually playing nicely together - a miracle! I feel so much better, and all of your support has been wonderful. Thanks again.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If it makes you feel better, I'm a non-spanker. One day, my eight year old daughter was staying home while I worked (single mom then) with her sixteen year old brother. He was usually a good sitter, but he didn't feel well and had fallen asleep. I called home from work and nobody answered. After three attempts, I freaked out and got permission from my kindhearted boss to check on things. All the way home I could only think "Kidnapped" "somethings wrong" and all the mommy things that scare us. When I got home, my daughter was playing outside. She wasn't supposed to go out alone without my son. I dragged her by the arm into the house and (I'm still ashamed and embarassed) slapped her across the face because *I* had been scared. She screamed. Two hours of apologies later, she calmed down. I'd never hit her before. She's 22 now and still likes to bring that up, with a twinkle in her eye. "You abused me." She's kidding. She never got hit before or after that, but she was such a behavior problem as a teen, I did get itchy fingers and WANT to hit her. At any rate, this slap has turned into a way for us to kid around. I'm not making light of it, but we're all human and kids know that. My daughter straightened out and we are best friends now.
     
  13. hdis12

    hdis12 New Member

    Hi, I am a mother of 4 children. I have been having alot of difficulty with- my 6 yr old for the past 3 yrs! He just began Kindergarten and OMG, it's hell! His behavior has only gotten worse. He is very impulsive, hyper, and defiant! The teacher, principal, nor myself can control him about 98% of the time when he gets in those moods. I don't know what to do. Did your 5yo have any problems like this before you put him/her on medications? I am wondering because I have NO idea what to do about my son. Should I get my doctor involved? Tests done? Etc..? I would really appreciate anny advice. And in reply to your slapping him, don't be so hard on yourself. Times get tough, and no it wasn't right, but it happened. Just don't let it happen again. Apologize to him definitely so he doens't think it's ok to do and move on. We all make mistakes and if that was the first incident you did, then let it go. Next time, walk away, even when the whole scene is embarassing. I have the same issues. When we "use" to go out as a family, the outbursts happened nonstop! Now, we don't go out very often. Well anytime u need to talk, write me.
     
  14. HangingByAThread

    HangingByAThread New Member

    Well I kinda have a similar story my husband and I took our difficult child out and I got out of the truck and walked into the bank and then a couple minutes later my husband came in and our son was crying I asked what happened and he said that he got in trouble for head butting him well the very next day we had a knock at the door it was CPS and they had a report that my husband had punched our son in his tummy 3 times well the truth comes out and what had happened was when my husband was getting our son out of the car he did head :censored2: him and like you he had a automatic reaction and he hit him in his tummy 1 time but it was like to push him away did not leave any marks or anything but it's one of those things that are just going to happen so I would not beat yourself up about it
     
  15. momof3boys

    momof3boys New Member

    hdis12,

    Hi, welcome to the board. The women here have a ton of great advice. And a lot of them have much more experience than I do. I would post an introduction on this board with some details about your son to get more advice. The people here can be life savers - literally!

    My son was always different than his peers. Even at 1, he was head strong. Knew what he wanted, and no distracting techniques would work with him. As he got older, things just got worse. The typically parenting stuff just never worked with him. When he'd misbehave, I'd put him in time out, and no matter how consistent I was, the time outs never changed the bad behaviors. He was just so impulsive, and so difficult. By the time he was in preschool he was also defiant (I think that that part of him developed because I was trying to fix his behavior with a lot of timeouts & other negative consequences, and because of his impulsiveness he just couldn't help himself, so he was just beaten down and frustrated). He also became more aggressive in preschool. His teacher recommended that I get him evaluated. It was a year's wait at a childrens hospital in our area (which seems to be the preferred evaluation by a lot of people on this board), but I couldn't wait that long. I took him to a developmental pediatrician who has his MD, and his PhD in neurology. He did extensive testing, and found that he has ADHD. We tried a lot of behavior modification for a year (we used the methods outlined in "Your Defiant Child", by Russell Barkley), and that helped quite a bit. It got rid of his defiant behavior, but he still just could not control his impulses. We decided to give a low dose of Adderall a try. And I could tell the difference within 30 minutes of giving it to him. He was still the cool, sweet, creative, funny, wonderful kid he's always been, but he was able to control his impulses. So, when his brother would take a toy away, instead of hitting him, he's ask for it back. It was like a miracle. And, his teachers also noticed a difference right away. I didn't tell them that we were trying medication, but the first day he was at school with the medications, his teacher said, "I don't know what you told him, but its working - he was great today!". And its been pretty good since. We still have some pretty bad days, but for us medicine was really a Godsend. The best advice I can give you is to find the best doctor you can to do the diagnosis. Maybe you can find an autism or ADHD support group in your area and ask for references. I think the hardest step in all of this is finding the right doctor. I wish you a lot of luck.

    A lot of people on this board find that Ross Greene's "Explosive Child" works wonders with their kids. I haven't read it yet, but I'm actually heading out to the bookstore today to pick up a copy. You might want to check that out as well. Good luck. And thank you so much for your support.
     
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