OMG, his plan is to return here...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, May 21, 2015.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    I just heard from the exgf's mother that my Difficult Child called her and they are going to meet tonight. She says that he asked if she could help him "one more time before I leave" When she asked him where he was going, he said " Home, to Illinois." He told her that he knows people here and that if he's here, he won't have to sleep outside. That ship has sailed-I can't think of ONE person whom he still knows here and the ones he does know probably won't want much to do with him.

    I freaked out and told her that there was nothing here for him-I am barely keeping my head above water and even if I were, I cannot help him. I will NEVER put myself in that kind of danger again.

    So they are going to meet-she thinks he will ask her for a bus ticket here and based on our conversation, she's not going to give it to him. I told her that she can call me when they are together and that I will tell him these things myself.

    As always, t's so contrary to what parents are supposed to do, but then again, kids are not supposed to hit their mothers, be verbally abusive, destroy property and be continually high or drunk.

    I hate everything about this. My heart is racing. I just went out and bought a bottle of wine (I have a problem with alcohol-probably where he gets the gene from) and I KNOW it's not the answer, but right now I just want to blot everything out.
     
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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Keep us posted and stand your ground.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't send money to a homeless adult child who refuses help and I'm sure a lot of mothers wouldn't. I don't think it's against what mothers do. Now if a ten year old got stranded, we'd pick him up. He is a child. But a man of 26 who is doing drugs and refusing to work? I actually think there are people who do worse and don't post here because they don't feel any guilt. They are just plain fed up that their own adult child is a danger to them and not exactly a friend to society or himself. They find it a no-brainer not to help out.

    You are doing what you have to do. In case he finds a way back, change your locks, maybe get an alarm, be prepared. Keep your car locked in a garage if you have one. Hide your valuables in a safe in case he breaks in. It is a cruddy way to live, but you have to take care of yourself. He will leave Chicago soon enough when he sees that nobody is going to give him a place to live for free.
     
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child called the ex-girlfriend's mother. She did not call him.
    He asked for help ($) "one more time" before he left. (If you help me leave, then I am not your problem.) He says he is going to your home state.

    First: Do you have a restraining order or feel that you need one?

    Do you have a strong support system in place, blackgnat? Al-Anon meets weekly just about everywhere. It would be good for you to have that kind of face to face support. No one need know, nor will they ask, anything about you. They are all there to support one another, just as we do here on the site.

    Write down the words you will say when you speak to him.

    No money.
    No, you cannot live here.
    I love you too much to watch you self-destruct and there is no way in H*** I am going to help you do that to yourself, ever again.
    I refuse to enable.
    I will not help you when you refuse to help yourself.
    I will not see you until you have turned this thing around.
    I will not take your calls.

    You cannot come here.

    You cannot come here.

    I won't allow it.

    You are so much stronger now than you were before, blackgnat. You know so much no that you did not know, before. As pasa suggested, take a strong stand right from the beginning. We can say, "I love you." We can say, "I believe in you." And we can say "No."

    That's all we can say.

    Stay close to the site, blackgnat.

    Cedar
     
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  5. JulieAnn

    JulieAnn Member

    I'm new here, but one thing I do know....I would NOT allow my Difficult Child anywhere near my home if I could help it. I hope you're right, that you don't think she'll give him the funds. It's just the foot in the door that they think they can talk their way into. That's so scary for you and I'm sorry.

    Hey, a little wine isn't the end of the world.

    I think I've read the Article on Detachment from Recoveringenabler at least 20 times. It helps a lot.
     
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  6. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    There's just NO WAY he could live with me anyway, but I have made that promise to myself that even if he could, I wouldn't let him. I share an apartment with my roomie and she knows all about him-I would NEVER put her in that position where she had to deal with him on any level...

    My ex texted me-he is letting Difficult Child use the VW bus to sleep in-very generously, in my opinion. He knows that at any time the apartment management might notice that someone is sleeping in it and my ex might be asked to park it elsewhere, or something. But the point is, Difficult Child can't even seem to appreciate that-the bus has already been somewhat trashed-a big hole torn out of the cushion, wet clothes, vodka spills, etc.

    And now he wants to come HERE?

    So hard, so hard, so hard. He seems to just be sinking lower and becoming more desperate. But as the exgfs' mother told me today, "Difficult Child told me that anything he has accomplished while sober is NOTHING compared to the way he feels when he is high". That has to be yet another mantra that I drill into my thick skull. And that's okay if that's for him (not really, but you know what I mean) but don't pull other people into your chaos, son.

    Let go or be dragged, right? (That's for all of US, not for DCs!) Got to learn more how to let go. Two steps forward, one back...
     
  7. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Oh, and Cedar, I am in therapy and it feels so good and right when I'm in that particular bubble, but I have to apply her wisdom to the REAL WORLD and that's when I falter.

    But I'm MUCH better than I used to be :)
     
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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    First a BIG HUG for you!!

    Ok, this is a real possibility, he may find his way back to IL. It has not happened yet. Try and stay in the present. It's good to have a plan and it appears that you do, you will not allow him into your home. That being said don't allow fear to consume you. All we have control of is the present moment we are in.
    My son is also in CO and I'm in IL. He has made notions of coming here in the fall. I have played out the scenario of him showing up on my door step and what would I do. If I were home alone, I would not open the door. If my husband were home we would go out through the garage and talk to him but we would not invite him into our house. Of course he has no job and I have not heard from him in 2 months. I have a plan if and when he shows up. Other than that, I stay in the present and live MY life.

    Cedar has given some excellent advice here. It really does help to be prepared with what you would say. The main thing again, do not let your fear consume you.

    Do not allow your son to hold your emotions hostage. YOU are stronger than that. YOU deserve to have peace in your life.

    I am so glad you are here with us. We are here for you.

    :group-hug:
     
  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear that, BG. I know very well that feeling of dis-ease, unrest and panic that comes when we know our DCs might show up on our doorsteps.

    And what is it about ex-girlfriend's mothers? Why are they the softest touch? My Difficult Child got not one but TWO cross-country fares paid by ex-girlfriend's mother, one TO the west coast and one a few days later when he decided he didn't like it out there.

    My first instinct is to follow Cedar's advice. She is always spot-on, in my experience. Make sure you have yourself protected, just for your own peace of mind.

    My 2nd impression is that the homecoming he expects is quite possibly a gross exaggeration. At least in my DCs case, he assumed that everyone "back home" was going to welcome him back with open arms, even though those bridges had long since burned down and the ashes blown away. I wonder if the same is true in your DCs case. I think your gut instinct is correct in firmly setting your boundaries, both with your friend and with Difficult Child directly.

    And yes, it goes against what we are "supposed" to do. But we live in the rabbit hole now. We do what we have to do to keep our boundaries intact.

    I'm sorry you are going through it, BG. That feeling of impending doom is awful. I am glad that you are pre-empting as much of it as you can.
     
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  10. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    It's nice of the exgf's mother to give you a heads up. Could you imagine him just arriving at your door. Like Tanya said, stay in the present not in the what ifs. Feel confident that you are much stronger than you were. Make a plan. That is all you can do for now. Remember worrying is only a feeling not a fact. I know easier said than done, but you have come a long way on this path. We all have confidence that you can do it.
    Hugs
     
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  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    What an astonishingly accurate way of describing the disreality happening around everything to do with our difficult child kids. I love this, Abatross. It is exactly right. We live in worlds turned upside down where nothing is as it seems and the old, trusted ways of doing things don't apply. I love it that there is neither blame nor guilt in it, and that it keeps the parent centered and upright.

    Good one, Albatross!

    Cedar
     
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  12. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Well, I spoke to him on exgf's mother's phone last night. He was in an altered state, of course and his first "demand" was that I overnight him 2 Xanax because he was in a really, really, really, bad state and needed them. Ridiculous! I said that he needed to go to an ER if he was that badly off.

    He said he wanted to come back here and he would go to one of the missions here-the one he talked about is one of the worst and is notorious for being rampant with drug use. The area it's in is also very rough and drug dealers and addicts are everywhere. I asked him if he knew he had a place there and he said no. He then mentioned the other mission where he had done very well, but he was asked to leave the SECOND time he went back (it obviously didn't stick) because they felt he was abusing medications(which I don't think he was supposed to be on anyway). I asked how he knew they would take him and he said "Well, it's a Christian place-isn't that what they're all about?" . So I said that basically he was coming here without any kind of plan and how did he think he would live? (It was a rhetorical question).

    I said that I couldn't help him and he said he wanted to be here and wouldn't even contact me when he got here. Hmm...

    He told the exgf's ma that he wanted to leave Colorado because he feels he is going to drink himself to death there. But he does that anywhere he goes...

    He has access to his father's bus but is trashing that, too.

    So exgf's ma said she wouldn't help him live his life this way-drinking, drying out and then going straight back to the drink. She said he would have to live that life on his own. She dropped him off at detox and will pick him up, then they can talk about a plan. If it involves getting clean, seriously, she will help, but if not, then no. She has already gone beyond anything I cold have imagined, but is now reaching her limit and who can blame her? He has consistently shown her that his promises are empty and that he will take everything that anyone can give.

    The thing is that he doesn't HAVE to drink himself to death. He could take Campral, Antabuse, get a Vivitrol shot that lasts a few months, to reduce the cravings. Go to AA meetings, make some connections and get support from those who know.

    BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

    Sorry, I know I'm raving-just trying to process as I write.
     
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  13. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    As always, thanks for the wisdom and support-everyone on here gives me so much strength and inspiration. I'm only sorry that you all have to keep saying the same things over and over, like my brain is refusing to absorb it. Or maybe because we all live as hostages to our emotions and our own sense of disbelief, that there's just a blank space where some rationality should be (in my case, anyway!)
     
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  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm reading along BG. I'm sorry for this new development. If his exgf's mother is not helping him, perhaps he will stay put.

    As others have stated and I have learned first hand perhaps 10,000 times, don't put energy into worrying about something that may not happen. Our minds are cruel masters when it comes to fear and we can build a complete scenario about all that could happen. You have a plan, you've told him you're not helping him, you have an inside track with exgf's mom, you have us to vent to.........try to stay here in the present moment and go do something with your day which will bring you some peace.

    When I was in the thick of it with my daughter, husband and I would take off for the day. There is something very helpful about getting in the car and heading out of town. Or go get a pedicure. Change the direction of the day into one that takes you off the worry track and puts you somewhere else. Sometimes that is a minute to minute thing, keep changing tracks until your mind unhooks from the worry of it.

    We all know how it feels to be in that place. You're certainly not alone. We're all here circling our wagons around you BG.

    Sending bug hugs......
     
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  15. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    I feel SOOO guilty.

    My son reached out and I didn't help him. I can't imagine how it feels-nobody wants him around and he is so addicted and crazy that he doesn't know what to do next.

    I'm his mother and I don't want him near me. Clean and sober? Yes! He is great company and I love being with him. But like this? Not even for a nanosecond.

    And I am really ashamed of these feelings.
     
  16. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Nope. You are doing just fine.

    We are here to help one another think impossible things through.

    Cedar
     
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  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You have nothing to feel guilty about or be ashamed about.

    Did you force him to drink and do drugs? No, you did not.
    He has done this to himself.
    You have offered him help in the past and he did not accept it. You cannot say that your son reached out and you did not help him, that's just not true. He has had many people offer to help him and HE chooses to continue living the life he wants.
    He does know what to do. He could walk into any AA meeting and would be greeted by people who could help him and direct him. Our Difficult Child have no trouble finding ways to stay high and drunk. I get that addiction is hard but until the addict has had enough and deep down inside wants to change nothing will change for them.
    I have had conversations with my son about this. He has told me he's so tired of his life and the mess he's made. I've told him what he needs to do as I'm sure you and others have done. Yes, they know what to do.


    I do not want my son around me either and I do not feel ashamed. My son lives a life style that I do not agree with. While I have accepted the life he chooses to live, I do not want it around me. My son is very egocentric and just unpleasant to be around even when he's sober. He is the complete opposite of how he was raised.
    Don't get me wrong, I love my son and I always will but I do not like the person he has become.
    You can love someone and not like them.


    BG, don't be so hard on yourself.

    ((HUGS)) to you.....................
     
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  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Those feelings are real. I feel that way, too. But they are only feelings. You have charted a course with detachment parenting that may be the one thing, the one true thing, that could help your child turn this thing that is happening to him around.

    This is where Child of Mine's concept of toolbox comes in.

    What can you do, now that you have drawn the battle lines and the war has begun, to keep yourself centered? We are not even looking for strong, here. We are only looking for a way to get through this part.

    We have been where you are now, blackgnat. I think there is not a worse place to be. But you have changed the pattern.

    Now, a new thing can occur.

    Cedar
     
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  19. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    He HAS to feel that way in order for any change to come. His life has to become so miserable that he WANTS change. You will do him no favors by feeling sorry for him. I am learning this myself right now and my daughter has been in rehab for five months today...
     
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  20. JulieAnn

    JulieAnn Member

    I feel the same way. Exactly the same, 3 days ago to be exact. It's horrible, excruciating. I've learned in the short time I've been here that they made those choices for themselves, we did not make them. We wish them only happiness and the best. It's almost like one huge horrible cosmic test for us mothers. We have to let them go and find their strength and their way. It's so hard.......I'm so sorry. Keep reading, talking. It helps so, so much.
     
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