OMG, I am so tired of his twisted sense of reality--long rant

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Sep 25, 2010.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I've been putting up with-difficult child's "attitude" for years. Yes, I know he's got Asperger's. Still, we've spent yrs in therapy, tried medications, succeeded with-a few, changed his diet, put him in sports, taken him out of sports, put him in the best private schools, transferred him to other schools, sent him to the best camps, watched him flunk out of school, sent him to public school only to see him slack off the first week, dealt with-his arguing and rages ... I am totally deflated and defeated.

    I've been alone with-him all weekend. He refused to go for walks with-me. Refused to do half the chores I gave him. (I could say that I'm in the mood where my glass is half empty rather than half full, since he did half his chores), left messes all over and I had to stay on his case to clean them up (he eats and literally drops things around the chair or around his bed. He is so unmotivated that he won't even climb up onto the top bunk anymore, and sleeps on a sleeping bag on the hardwood floor, and drops wrappers all around himself, totally oblivious to his surroundings.)
    He has argued all weekend about computer time and I have made him work for every minute of it.

    I have always dreaded weekends, but now I abhor them. My husband doesn't get it. The next time he goes out of town, either difficult child goes with-him, or he can't go out of town any more. Period.

    Tonight, I made homemade chicken and vegetable soup for difficult child. While it was cooking, he sat in his throne (a tan La-Z-Boy that I bought for husband a few yrs ago) and played PS2 (a friend gave him an old model) and yelled, "I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I want orange juice."
    I told him I'd get dinner but he couldn't wait 5 seconds b4 he started yelling, "I want orange juice. I'm hungry."
    Like a toddler.
    We have gone over and over this.
    You don't shout like that and order me around.
    You don't sit on your throne and demand things.
    I will bring you something to eat but I will finish what I'm doing first.
    I will not drop everything to wait on you.
    You will eat with-the family. (He sneaks into the freezer, fridge or pantry and eats when he feels like it, then refuses to eat when we are eating. We make him sit with-us at dinner, whether he eats or not. But now that easy child is at college, and husband is out of town, it's just me, and the whole system falls apart.)

    While the soup was simmering, I leafed through mail order catalogs and saw the most adorable photos of puppies that I wanted to show difficult child. (Orvis has great dog photos.)
    "Oh! These are so cute! Look at this!"
    You know how you spontaneously want to share something with-someone?
    "NO!"
    D*g forbid that I interrupt his game.
    "When will you get a break?"
    "I don't know!!!!" (He shouts a lot when he's excited or angry. I can never tell which.)
    Fine.
    I serve him his soup. (He previously asked what I was making and I refused to tell him. Past experience shows that no matter what it is, he will complain, so I have learned to just place it in front of him. If he's hungry enough. he'll eat it.)
    He eats it, and asks for seconds.
    "I don't like the vegetables."
    "It's chicken vegetable. That's what it is."
    "There are too many vegetables."
    Fine. I take the bowl to the stove and individually pick out pieces of chicken and add a little broth. I do not remove the vegetables he left behind, but I do not add to them. There is a nice pile of chicken that is steaming hot and I serve it to him.
    He eats for a min or two and shouts, "I said there are too many vegetables."
    "Go serve yourself."
    End of complaints.

    I sit down, read the paper, and find a funny editorial cartoon.
    Having learned my lesson on the dog photos, I wait until difficult child has finished his game and gone upstairs to go to bed.
    I go into the bedroom and say, "This is so funny. I want to show you something."
    "NO!"
    "Oh, come on. You told me you didn't want to look at anything while you were playing your game. Now you're not doing anything." The light is on, he's petting the dog, relaxing.
    So I decide to start reading it anyway. Sometimes when I do that, he likes my company and gets into whatever I'm doing.
    So I describe the drawing in the editorial cartoon.
    He rolls over and yanks the sleeping bag over his bed.
    "I am not a political person!"
    He is, in fact. The cartoon features Osama bin Laden and he's all about that issue. Can talk for hrs about it.

    I stand up and say, "I don't know why I bother talking to you or doing anything with you. You hate everything I do and everything I say."

    He practically leaps up out of his sleeping bad and yells, "Why do you have to take everything so personally?"

    "Because it is personal! You wouldn't go for a walk with-me, didn't like my soup, you played your game(s) and refused to sit with-me, you argued about your chores and made it hard on both of us, you wouldn't look at the pictures I wanted to show you, and now you won't look at or listen to the editorial cartoon. You're rejecting things that I am interested in. The implication is that you are rejecting me."

    "No I'm NOT!" (Shouting.) "I said there were too many vegetables in the soup. I didn't say I didn't like it."

    True enough.

    I suppose this is an improvement over having him say he wanted to strangle me the other night.

    Even after all the communication skills we've worked on, all the therapy, I feel like I'm back at square one. I continue to have hope that he'll communicate--and he does, on occasion--sometimes in the car on the way to school, sometimes at night, who knows when, but it seems as though it's on a whim--and when he doesn't communicate, I feel like a door has been slammed in my face. He can be so eloquent, he can blow you away. The teachers at his new school told me that they were awed and pleased by his immediate participation in class, raising his hand, answering and asking questions.
    I know he can do it. I want him to do it.
    He's just so unpredictable.

    If I totally detach, then I feel like I give up on all the qualities I've nurtured in him--his interest in animals, politics, sports--and I treat him like a robot rather than a human being. There is such a fine line between detachment and disownment, I can't tell the difference any more.

    I want to send him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) ... forever .. and take my life back. I want to paint. Write. Garden. Laugh. Have someone compliment my cooking or at least say thank you. He sucks the life out of me.
    We are suffering from a serious drought. It hasn't rained in weeks. Flowers that should be blooming in bright colors are dried and wilted and awful, washed out shades of tan and gray. I look like those dried flowers. I feel like them.

    At the very least, I want him to not threaten to kill me. Is that asking so much?
     
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member



    As I know this will be against everything everyone else here tells you - here goes- he's holding this and your "he has a diagnosis of asbergers" against you. He's taking it for everything he can, not necessarily intentional, but in my humble opinion, you are making it quite easy for him to do so. And on top of that, he's angry with you and feels like **** about himself and like he can't fit in with peers because he now has that label. I'm not saying this to add to your burden or place blame on you- I know how hard this can be. But if you keep accepting messages that if he'd just take another medication (when you don't see them working), or the school district would just do something different (when he isn't getting better no matter what they do) or if you would just handle things a different way (despite your efforts), you are in denial because you don't want to accept that despite your best efforts he isn't displaying those qualities you tried so hard to instill in him. And that means the focus is on you feeling like a failure. And don't get me wrong- I have fought suacidal feelings as a result of this- I truly understand. But I personally have reached a point where I have to let go of my dreams for my son and concentrate more on what can get him to adulthood.

    It isn't necessarily your fault. It is about the hardest thing a parent can come to terms with. I might be shunned from the board for saying it but there it is.
     
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    he's angry with you and feels like **** about himself

    This is so true. We have been trying to get to the root of this since Day 1.

    I can be tougher with him, in regard to no computer time, locks on fridge, etc., but when he ramps up, as he periodically does, like an alcoholic (ramp up, explode, honeymoon) he'll come after me physically. He takes complete advantage when we're home alone. I spoke with-husband on the ph tonight and told him about missing school, the landscaper, etc., and he said, "So I go out of town, and he totally slacks off."
    Right.
    I cannot and should not have to call in the cavalry when I am home alone.
    Maybe I should get military training.
     
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Terry - I'm so with you on this...if it helps, difficult child 1 is still in the psychiatric hospital and I'm going to see an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) on Tues. at 11:00. I love your description of the flowers and parallels you drew. I'm beat up and need a break and I feel like I'm failing this child at every turn. My point that I'm focusing on is that every adult that I know has "happy times" when they were kids that they can laugh and reflect on when they were kids. difficult child 1 won't have that - he's the angriest child I have ever met in my life!

    I'll write more to you tomorrow - I've got to get to bed, I haven't slept in weeks and I'm just beat!!!

    TTFN!

    Beth
     
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, one more thing--I just wanted to clarify about detachment. One min., he seems so adult, and can talk about politics with-insight that is more adult than many adults. The next min., he's shouting and out of control, because I told him "No," for some reason. That's the type of thing that pushes and pulls me.
    I will talk to his therapist about it (and my own).
    I really feel like I'm missing something here.
     
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He's clearly very angry with you. That's the root of the problem, in my humble opinion. That doesn't mean I think you have done something horrible to him- just that in his mind, he's wanting a relationship with you that he doesn't have.

    But, that's because I have been told this is the issue with my son so take that with a grain of salt. It just seems to me to be a similar situation and it has for over a year. I really can't see any m,ajor problem in your son other than anger but I know you have not abused him. So he is frustrated because he feels like you don't "get it" and it has turned into a battle of wills, in my humble opinion. I'm just suggesting that you let go of that battle-
     
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry,

    no real words of wisdom but I liked your comparison to the dry and colorless flowers! I also like the "difficult child push and pull". They can appear so typical when they are relaxed and tuned it and then BAMMM!!

    Hey, the rain is coming, perhaps you and the flowers will get a little color back today.....

    Hugs,
    Sharon
     
  8. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I hear you feeling so weary. It's exhausting just trying to survive difficult child intensity but it's worse when he is taking advantage of your relationship when husband is away. I agree that his lack of social skills creates problems but he is downright mean and rude to you regardless of the situation. He isn't always angry or upset when he tells you "no" and goes off and especially when he is physically intimidating. If the threats and physical abuse isn't rechanneled or stopped, you are going to have an event that will require police intervention or hospitalization for you.
    I see a mom who is trying very hard to treat her son with kindness and nurturing but having a son who is very dismissive of you. Maybe less effort on your part to accommodate his rudeness and more expectation of some sense of civility. I'm pretty sure "serving" him soup feeds his sense that you are there in service of the king. Dinner is served at the table. He may eat or not but you aren't going to serve him at his throne. He can eat it cold or heat it himself. Eventually, if he doesn't eat with the family at dinner time, then there is no food later. It really has to be done with less emotion. He feeds off or your emotional outbursts. There is a dynamic there that isn't really healthy for you or for him. Treat him as close to what you would treat anyone in his age group. There is no reason to expect him to ignore the dinner instructions. They are reasonable. If he doesn't like vegetables, then he can dig through the soup and eat the bits he wants. Why are you treating him like he is 2? He didn't say he didn't like them?! so he is just acting like a fool.
    What does your son need? He seems to need some boundaries, less emotion and much less accommodation to his rudeness(I didn't say to not accommodate his weaknesses) . If he wants XYZ(dessert or whatever) he must sit at the table. Do to get. If he wants xyz, he must speak in a civilized way at the dinner table.
    Can you, in a moment of cooperation from difficult child, encourage him to help you problem solve. How can you help him to learn to sit at the dinner table and be pleasant? Maybe his distorted thinking and his sense of entitlement(vs. self absorption) will not allow this and he will continue to be a difficult and unpleasant person in your home.
    AS kids/teens/adult tend to be self absorbed but the self entitlement is a learned behavior.

    He expects you to go off. He gets some sort of pleasure from the emotional outbursts and you may be playing into his hand. I would be doing some self reflection as to why I was allowing myself to behave in a way that I don't like. Early on, I decided that I did not care for who I was becoming in the effort to survive gfgdom. I would feel like I was losing myself in his emotional turmoil. I really did squeeze a lot of the emotion out of it and tried to treat him and have him treat me the way I would expect someone who wasn't a family member treat. Polite, distanced and not a target for bad behavior.
    This isn't to say that there were not some explosive moments from me. I tried very hard to keep them in check because I was teaching him my behavior would reflect his instead of the other way around.
    At a certain age, I did speak to difficult child about "civilized people eat at the table" or "civilized people showered and brushed teeth". I tried to set up what the acceptable behavior was for him to manage in the world. It takes a long time for the teachings to dawn on difficult children. It's slow and gradual.
    You might want to set up some sort of long term goal, set some steps to get to that goal and track his progress or lack of. It helps me to channel my frustration into productive energy.
    My difficult child is still a work in progress. I am not pretending that I have some sort of magic key. I am really addressing how I handled me and improved our home to continue to be a solid loving healthy place to be regardless of difficult child or his emotions. I no longer give him that power over the family unit. There are days when difficult child causes upheaval but our lives do not revolve around whether difficult child is in a good mood or bad mood. If difficult child(at 14) was not acting appropriate, he did not attend the function we were attending. Do to get. He stayed home and sometimes with someone in attendance. Even easy child's create some havoc in the home. I try to be even handed with how I deal with each of them.

    Your son and my son are not similar except that they didn't seem to have a clue about how to verbalize their needs without being volatile. You can't be volatile with him.
    Hang in there, the weekend is almost over.
     
  9. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Hi Terry,

    I really, really, really agree with Fran. I encourage you to adopt an internal mantra (said WITHOUT emotion): "As soon as he does X, I will do Y."

    Although they are written for neurotypical children, the books Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay and Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen provide lots of wonderful examples of ways to talk to your children. I recommend checking them out.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Terry, hon, calm down. You are such a good mom.
    I know how you feel because I have a 17 year old who is on the spectrum, as you know. And he can act so adult and he can act very young. I don't get as frustrated though because I guess I take a different view of him. He IS different and has a pervasive development disorder and in some ways he may never catch up. Some things that trigger him are little stuff to most people and I know it. We can help the disability, but we can't make the child "typical" no matter how much love and money and advantages we pour into them. I heard that Aspies tend to reach their peak at age 25, which is a lot older than some kids. They often DO act fine in one area, but ver young in another area. I've dealing with L. for fifteen years and he changes and matures, but he is still different.

    I hope you can kind of learn to just go with the flow. in my opinion it's not his fault and it certainly has nothing to do with you or your love or parenting skills. They just don't think like other kids/adults and therefore, if we expect them to we are disappointed and frustrated. I still feel sad to realize that L. is different, but I've come a long way in the area of acceptance and HE certainly seems fine with it. He is always going to need some direction. But that isn't the end of the world for us or for him.

    (((Hugs))) to a wonderful mother. You are doing a great job with the difficult child that you have.
     
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I don't have any advice to add that hasn't been said. But wanted to offer a hug.

    And I think you're right...if it falls apart when husband leaves, adjustments will just have to be made for a while...
     
  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Terry--

    First big ((((hugs))))

    Second - let me share my observations...which by the way, I am recognizing - NOT accusing.

    I am recognizing because I do the same things myself. I read your post and I hear a Mom trying so hard to please her son. You fix dinner, you serve dinner - you even take it back to the kitchen to make adjustments so it will be more to his liking.

    You try to engage him in conversation. You try to share. You try to make him laugh. You try to make him smile.

    And to all of this...

    he responds like a TOTAL JERK.

    This has been the story in my house, too.

    Finally, our therapist asked what was the worst thing that would happen if I stopped being a loving Mom and husband stopped acting like a doting Dad. Hmmm? Well, we guessed difficult child would be really angry at us. The therapist asked how that would be different from the way she was acting right now?

    That gave us a lot to think about. And it made us question why we were putting so much effort into trying to please a person who could not be pleased.

    Well, that definitely gave us something to think about.

    difficult child is old enough that you do not need to cater to him. I think you should stop. Make a space for yourself where difficult child cannot go (like a nice studio outside your home) and spend some time there just for you.

    You need it.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok. I think this child's problems are different though than those who are just defiant. For the most part, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids have a lot of trouble communicating and don't do it well or often, even when spoken to. They can't. This is why therapists are often useless for them. Aspergers is not a behavior disorder, although the frustration can lead to some.

    Many also have issues with certain foods. My son is seventeen and will still vomit (not on purpose) if he is forced to try something he finds repulsive. I can not feed him broccoli, for example. He starts to gag even before he puts it in his mouth. Same with cheese cake. Anything green or gooey, and he starts to gag.

    With Aspergers, there's a fine line between "jerk" and Aspergers. It is not the same as the other disorders and the kids often look like they are deliberately being defiant when it's either unintentional or because t hey are frustrated with a world they just do not understand. The thing is, at times they can seem so "normal" that it is beyond frustrating when they don't respond the way they should, but it's part of the disorder. JMO and I"ll shut up now.
     
  14. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Terry,

    I can feel the exhaustion and hurt in your initial post. I agree with Fran for the most part; do to get. No more serving him and if he wants the food you serve a certain way then he can fix it that way himself. Honestly, I don't find his disenagement from what you find interesting and want to share with him surprising since that his how Son is with me. Even with the AS, this is a typical teen behavior too. I know a lot of people don't like using typical teen in relation to difficult children and AS, but I believe they do and they're just off the charts in intensity. Son, for the most part, doesn't like to have conversations with me either. He especially hates answering my questions. You know, those horribly intrusive questions* like, "How did X country practice go?" Son will have conversations with me as long am I am a bobble head and he can go on and on (typical AS). There are times when we do have what could be called normal conversations (almost anyway), but I'm careful to remind myself that this doesn't mean that now all conversations will be that way. by the way, Son also admonishes me not to take things personally. Like a few weeks ago when he said, "Any kid that would want you as a Mother is CRAZY!"( This was in reaction to a couple of my students sharing that they wish I were their Mom because they like my sense of humor) Uh yeah, why would I take THAT comment personally??? It hurt A LOT at first. In fact, I was shocked he would say it with such conviction and strength, but I understand that I'm the force in his life that denies him so much of what he wants (a new cell phone practically every week) and wants to do (like staying out until midnight) that I can understand why he would say such a thing.

    *Sarcasm intended

    I know with Son, I have found that I have really pulled back emotionally with him. I don't offer hugs and say "I love you" because of his extreme and loud adverse reactions ("Get away!" or "Whatever!" or "I'm not a baby!"). I can share with you that 13 was truly a horrible year for him and me. Not that 14 has been all that great, but so far, no police at my door. I think there is a middle ground between being emotionally spent over not being able to experience positive engagement with him and thinking you need to interact with him like robot. Where that is for you, I cannot say, exactly, it's something you have to carve out for yourself. You are an excellent writer, you might want to reflect on how you can discover and take refuge in that emotional place. But, no more serving him, please. Especially, given his propensity to bark out orders to you. That is a learned behavior that even PCs can embrace if given the chance.

    Son is has food aversions and I just don't fight that battle with him. When I meal plan, I do take his likes and dislikes into consideration and when I can accommodate, I do. I was an extremely picky eater as a kid, and I can remember just not being able to tolerate the taste and sensations of some foods. I'm a lot better now, but I still have it to a large degree, so I understand his perspective. I also had people in my childhood that would try and force me to eat certain foods and I still carry strong resentments over what they put me through. I had one cousin who was babysitting me make me sit at the table for hours until I ate the banana she gave me with my lunch. I still remember how gooey and nasty it got as I tried to force it down. I haven't seen her in years, but that is the first thing I would probably bring up if I saw her now. Plus, I still cannot tolerate the texture of bananas.

    My primary concern IS for your physical safety. I know that difficult child has attacked you in the past. Son has attacked me too, but I have the strength and size to stand up to him. Though, I did finally call the police on him and he hasn't done it since. I don't have advice, other than have the numbers ready on speed dial (carry your phone always) and be alone with him as little as possible.

    (((hugs)))
     
  15. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    "Like a few weeks ago when he said, "Any kid that would want you as a Mother is CRAZY!"( This was in reaction to a couple of my students sharing that they wish I were their Mom because they like my sense of humor) Uh yeah, why would I take THAT comment personally???"
    Dazed and Confused, I almost spit out my iced tea. I have had the same such comments made to me. When they come out of left field in a conversation makes it more striking. Your defenses are not up. It was shocking but I understand it is typical AS matter of fact way of speaking. Glad I'm not the only one.
     
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry,
    I do find myself drawing back from difficult child emotionally. I find myself treating him more like how others have described-nicely but detached more emotionally. It's not how I like it but it is what it is right now.

    My difficult child is constantly barking orders at me (the fact that I don't follow them doesn't stop him in the least). Food is a battle I will rarely fight with difficult child because of his violence but I do not make him anything separate anymore. If he wants something else he is on his own. Just so you know you aren't alone, I've had the death threats too and the horrible mom comments are almost constant.

    Not much more to offer but wanted to lend my support and send a hug.
     
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Your response should be - "You mean, we had a choice? Wait till I see Grandma next..."

    Find humour in it all. Use it. Even in a nasty situation, humour can de-fuse.

    I use a mobility scooter to get around in the neighbourhood. Sometimes I've been out after dark, on my way home and I meet up with some of the local gangs. Don't know what they are doing, but at very least they are hanging around the parks drinking. Probably doing drugs. Late at night, I've been beetling home at my snail's pace with dying batteries, and been seen by these kids. One incident I remember, I was terrified. I have good hearing, I heard these kids mutter, "Look at that! Let's go get her!" and then they ran at me. I was scared I was about to get attacked so they could steal the scooter from me. So I stopped and waited, looking them in the eye with a grin as they approached, as if they were friends running to meet me.
    "Hi, can I help you?"
    "Yeah, that thing is way cool!"
    "You could have one too, if you want. But you need a physical disability to go along with it. I'm sure that can be arranged..." again, said with a grin, making a joke out of it. I then went into my pre-prepared comedy routine about needing a bumper sticker that says "Born to be mild" and how an arthritic snail can go faster than the scooter, especially when the batteries are flat. And those batteries (about to need replacing) cost $400 each. And I have to have two of them. When it's flat I often have to get off and walk, using the scooter to pull me along, like a motorised walking frame. "NOT so cool, really. But thanks for the compliment, guys. It's nice to be considered cool by you kids, even if you mightn't think so now you know what it's really like. But hey, there have to be some fringe benefits, you guys have made me feel a lot better tonight."

    Humour defuses a threat and also allows the aggressor enough wiggle room to back down.

    Years ago when difficult child 3 was little, he was babysat by a woman who lived in a very rough apartment block in the centre of Sydney. She was a lovely lady, but the neighbourhood as inner city drug-soaked slum. That building especially had a bad reputation with the city cops. The place looked it.
    One day I was heading up in the elevator to the lady's apartment, to go collect difficult child 3, and there were two young, scruffy guys in there. I felt very uncomfortable because they were eying off my mobile phone. This one was a brick, but they were all bricks back then. Very few people had mobile phones and although I had won the thing (and not bought it) ownership of a mobile [phone marked you out as possibly affluent. There I was, in the equivalent of the roughest part of New York at night, with a couple of thugs, feeling as if I had a neon sign over my head screaming, "ROB ME!"
    One thug looked at the other. "She's got a mobile phone," he said. As if I was already an object, no longer conscious. "Let's take it off her."
    So I took control and took over. "Yep. Mobile phone. You're welcome to it. But you have to be able to pay the bill. That goes with the territory. It was second prize in a contest and I was so disappointed, I tried to trade with the winner of 3rd place. He didn't want it. I tried to sell the darn thing. Nobody wanted it. And it weighs a ton. Plus work know can ring me wherever I am, I can't even get away from the boss in the toilet! Take my advice - never et a mobile phone!"
    By this time the lift had reached my floor and I smiled and waved goodbye to my new "friends" who MAY have been just joking, or may have been sizing me up. But by joking, I was giving them the option of NOT being judged to be a danger and therefore of not needing to attack me to prove that they were.
    [mind you - when I got to the babysitter's apartment, I was a quivering, terrified wreck and needed to sit quietly for half an hour until I stopped shaking].

    Humour also can make you feel a lot better about someone. There have been times recently when difficult child 3 has been screaming abuse, and I have turned it into a joke. It has totally cut the wind out of his sails, and it is very hard to continue to scream abuse when instead you are on the floor screaming with laughter.

    If you feel threatened and you respond by appearing frightened, you give power to your attacker. But if you approach with humour, an attacker who wants you to be scared has just failed.

    You have to be careful to not laugh too readily (which can also be a fear reaction) because this can enrage some people. A friendly smile and a joke is not the same. Laughing can be misconstrued as laughing AT someone. But making light of a situation and walking away can defuse a great deal.

    Marg
     
  18. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Hi Terry
    Sounds much like my difficult child. Very close to what difficult child does at home. He talks non stop to everyone, he's funny..but not with me.
    I feel bad thinking it is me. Hope things get better.
     
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    With Aspergers, there's a fine line between "jerk" and Aspergers. It is not the same as the other disorders and the kids often look like they are deliberately being defiant when it's either unintentional or because t hey are frustrated with a world they just do not understand. The thing is, at times they can seem so "normal" that it is beyond frustrating when they don't respond the way they should, but it's part of the disorder.

    Yes, I have told a few people that he put the *ss in Asperger's ... ;)
     
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Occasionally, laughter and joking works with-difficult child.
    But as Marg pointed out, it can backfire. He thinks I'm making fun of him. Then he gets even more irate.
    I'm just going to continue practicing detachment.
    I will talk to husband about having us all eat at the table, too. He came home today, and picked up McDonald's for difficult child ... served it to him on his throne. I said, "Wait, I thought we were eating together as a family."
    "Well, it was hot and ready and ours isn't ready yet, so I just gave it to him."
    Sigh.
    I think we need more consistency.
    When I talk to difficult child (again) about coming to the table, he's going to protest (first of all we are boring) and say that we've been letting him eat in the livingroom so why change now? He's like a lawyer arguing a case.
    So I just have to stand my ground, and make sure that husband is on the same page.

    Thank you all so much for your kind and well thought-out remarks.
    It really helps to know that I'm not alone.
     
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