OMG, I am so tired of his twisted sense of reality--long rant

DazedandConfused

Well-Known Member
I have to be careful with the humor with Son, too, Terry. He also thinks I'm making fun of him. Just last week he was saying rude things to me AGAIN and I just looked at him and said, "Why do you say such rude things to your Mom?" He paused for a moment as to contemplate the question and then quietly said, "Because I'm a jerk.". Mind you, I have never called him that (I surmise some of his school mates might have though). Anyway, the comment stuck me as so funny that I burst out laughing and he got angry and couldn't understand why I thought it was funny. Sigh.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I was fairly lucky that when Cory was younger he wasnt physically aggressive with us. He did have a mouth on him that could put a sailor to shame but he would never lay a finger on me. Even now he wouldnt. He would probably kill anyone who did. When he did get mouthy with me I was able to diffuse much of it with humor. That boy is so ticklish it isnt funny. Between the combination that I can tickle him till he can barely breathe plus he wont touch me back, it often turns bad situations into hilarious romps that start out on the couch but end up with us on the floor in a heap.

I wouldnt give in to that barking servant order thing either. You arent his slave. You are his mother. You werent put on this earth to do his bidding. Lord knows you dont want to train him to treat his wife that way. He is old enough now to be fixing you food and bringing it to you if you are tired. Let him go get you a glass of drink or ice tea. My boys have been doing that for years! They think its normal to fix their girlfriend's/wives plates at dinner time. Tony does it for me. We do for each other.

I think I would tell him I dont hear certain tones of voice or something like that. When nice attitudes are used, you will respond. If not, be invisible.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
As I said, it seems to be the laughter that sets them off. Dazed&Confused, if you hadn't laughed out loud, he might not have become angry. Perhaps when he said, "Because I'm a jerk, " you could have responded with, "You do't have to be a jerk. Somewhere in there is the really terrific kid I know a lot of people appreciate."
If I find I have to laugh (because what difficult child 3 has said is just too funny) I say as I laugh, "Oh darling, I love how you can crack me up!"

Yesterday we had a situation like this. difficult child 3 wanted to drive the car home from Wollongong. He had wanted to drive there but we were running late. However, he had not made sure we had his L plates with us, and without those, there was no driving possible. It's the law. But we had to stop for fuel, and the petrol stations often sell the magnetic L plates. difficult child 3 knew because it was his mistake, he had to pay for the new Ls. Where we stopped there were two petrol stations next to one another. The one we stopped at did not have the L plates, so I told difficult child 3 to try the other place. Meanwhile we moved off the bowser and waited. husband & I both giggled as we saw difficult child 3 running back, grin a mile wide, triumphantly waving the package with the L plates. difficult child 3 noticed me grinning and asked why I was laughing at him. So I just said, "I was enjoying your delight and enthusiasm."

I think a lot of their anger and belief they are being laughed at comes from insecurity. We need to work towards desensitising them from this because eventually they have to live in a world where people like to laugh.

As for eating at the table with you being boring - agree with him. Yep, it can be boring. We allow difficult child 3 to have his hand-held game with him, even in restaurants, but he has to put it away while he's actually eating. He also has to keep his ears available for conversation. We use the opportunity to teach him how to converse and we try to support any conversation topic he finds easy. A big lesson he needs to practice is when a change in topic is appropriate or acceptable. We always talk to him with this as if we are teachers and he is a student, and we are explaining to him how to do this. No atmosphere of "You are a difficult child," more along the lines of "When you began to talk about 'Worms Armageddon' it did not relate to what we were previously talking about, and we had not finished discussing that topic. Dad & I were talking about catching fish and the last time we went fishing. What can you remember about the last time we went fishing? Did you enjoy it? Maybe we should plan another fishing trip. What do you think?"

We encourage him to comment appropriately, then when we have exhausted that topic, we say, "OK, you had something to say before about 'Worms Armageddon'. What do you want to talk to us about?" We then try to find a way to make it relevant to us. For example, difficult child 3 might mention one of the weapons in "Worms Armageddon" which reminds husband & I about a film we know. Often these computer games have little 'in' jokes which make reference to movies or books we know, and so we explain the jokes to difficult child 3 at these opportunities. This way we are talking about something he understands and likes, but within the 'rules' of normal conversation.

At some point difficult child 3 often says, "I'm beginning to have trouble concentrating on this conversation. Can I stop now?" So we let him. He knows we will let him, which reduces his anxiety which then reduces his chance of meltdown. Every success works towards more chance of further success. So we aim for lots of little successes.

Marg
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Heh. Marg, you know the humor thing made me remember how that can both work and not work for my son.

L. has a good sense of humor IF he knows I'm kidding. If I tease him and say, "It's because you're such a jerk..." in a kidding way, he would probably stare at me for ten seconds to try really hard to read my face to MAKE SURE I'm kidding. I have to be very obvious because he doesn't read faces well. I mean, I have to say it with a huge smile and then wink at him or else he might break into tears and say, "You're right! I'm an idiot!" If he is sure I'm kidding around though, humor can be effective with him. But, man, I have to stretch my face to make sure he KNOWS it's a REAL smile...lol.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Yes, MWM. Exactly. These kids don't get sarcasm or gentle teasing very well and we need to signal it really, really obviously.

It also goes the other way when they are older - husband has had to learn that when he tells a joke or make a smart remark in passing he has to smile. Because his Aspie face tends to be fairly expressionless, people have taken him seriously when he meant things to be a joke.

The thing is, we need to do this with our kids in order for them to learn to cope. But we do it only as much as they can handle. We build it up as fast as we can, but still not too much.

Marg
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I know what you mean. L. is deadpan most of the time. When he makes a joke, he usually makes it deadpan, but he breaks into a big smile at the end so you know he's kidding :) So I guess that's an improvement. :)
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
Terry, boring is not an excuse to sit 10 min. to have a hot meal given to you. What difficult child says something like that I remind him that comment can go both ways. We find his incessant chatter about one topic a little dry to our liking but out of respect to his interests we listen and try to respond or appreciate what he is saying.

My other tactic is ask difficult child to be the parent and what would he do or say in a situation that you described. It helps them learn empathy and makes them involved in the process. It is always a surprise to difficult child that his response would be much sterner than mine. : )
You and husband are far from boring, besides it's an unacceptable excuse. He has to come up with a better one. Like raging fever or in the throws of a virulent intestinal bug.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
He has to come up with a better one. Like raging fever or in the throws of a virulent intestinal bug.

Egads! LOL!

Dazed, too funny. I would have laughed and given him a hug.

I have done the invisible thing but clearly, I've been backsliding. I've got to be a better Warrior Mom.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
((hugs)) Terry

You've gotten alot of very sound advice.

Only thing I have to add is this simple thing. I don't treat Travis like he is special because he has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) or any of his other disabilities. He is who he is and we've all learned to accept it. But house rules are also house rules and that is final. I've always known he has stimulant issues and Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) issues, and I'd adjust for them if possible within reason.......but never made a big deal out of it and if I couldn't then he just had to cope as best he could. I was consistant as humanly possible.....and still there were days I wanted to rip my hair out by the roots and run screaming to the hills. I used humor.......and yes there is always the risk they don't get it.......but without it I'd have lost my mind before he and Nichole had reached the age of 10. I found that Travis is capable of totally getting overly dramatic humor.......and I used it often to drive a point home.

It is completely exhausting to live with a child with autism.

Only bright spot I can think to add...........

It only took me 20 some odd years to get used to the boy. :rofl: Now pretty much nothing he does bothers me these days I just take it in stride. :D
 

klmno

Active Member
Just to add a side-note about something my son's psychiatrist said a couple of times that sticks in my mind- it gets to a point where no matter what the diagnosis is, the issue is whether or not the child can learn to live in society according to the rules and do something productive. He continued to say that there are many, many people with MH issues that can do this. Even though it might be harder to teach, the bottom line is that we can't let kids with diagnosis's get by with not living by these rules unless our ultimate goal and expectation is for them to end up institutionalized.

Now what he said seemed very extreme at the time. But after further thought, I t got what he was saying. There are many people with BiPolar (BP), Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), etc and they learned how to respect parents, obey the law, etc. This cannot be allowed to be an excuse for them. If one makes it an excuse for them then the only rational next step is to say they can't live in society. If you really believe it's a hindrance but not a definition of the child, then you still expect and enforce that the child has to comply.

So while it's obvious that you are trying to teach this in your son, it seems like you are banging your head against the wall, getting upset because you are, but at the same time excusing it because you think he can't do any better or is so hindered by his disability that he doesn't get it.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
On the subject of treating Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids differently or not - one thing we have to recognise, is these kids ARE different. That's where we are starting from.

In our place, our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids do have to learn how to fit in. But they have to learn this from an entirely unexpected direction. They learn in a different way and they have different things they need to learn. So while we need to not wrap them in cotton wool, we do need to guide them differently, to support their learning differently.

In our house, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is not seen as a disability. The kids are told that society classifies it as a disability, but so is colour-blindness. However, people who are colour blind have special abilities in some career paths, notably army intelligence. You send a colour blind person up in a plane (or show them air reconnaissance photos) and the colour blind person's eye is not 'fooled' by camouflage colouring. Similarly, they are really good on safari at finding the tiger hiding in the long grass...

Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) does make life more complicated for our kids but it compensates with gifts. To a certain extent, especially if "it's no skin off my nose", we let the kids be who they are and to enjoy their uniqueness. When I found the boys sitting in the laundry totally observed in watching the new front loader washing machine do its job, I left them to it. I did not tell them they were weird, I did not make them feel ashamed. I know this is obvious - but some parents will do this.

In our own home, we allow them their space and their obsessions. It makes it easier for them to hold things together when they're away from their personal space. But we also make it clear - Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is simply a variation of normal in the spectrum of humanity. While it may be officially classified as a disability, and we will use whatever offers if it can give us an edge, we ourselves see Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) as a gift.

Marg
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Marg, you have to admit, some of your kids also have special talents, which makes their Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) truly a gift.
I keep waiting for the savant capability in my son. ;)
So there is no way I view it as a gift.
On a good day, I will grant that all of this has given me a perspective that I never had before. I do not judge people like I used to, and I have a lot more wisdom. But that is not a gift. It's a hard-earned skill.
Whatever. ;)
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Terry, when I first read about Temple Grandin, I remember wondering how an obsession with cattle loading chutes could ever have any practical use. But she has managed to do a great deal with it.

I am developing a theory that the more 'normal' is someone with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), the less amazing are any savant skills.

With both my boys, they can't draw for nuts. easy child 2/difficult child 2 does draw in intricate detail and has done so from an early age, but hasn't developed it to any savant degree. difficult child 3 was a prodigy with reading and music, but again, hasn't taken it anywhere. The rest of the world has caught up with him and his ability blends in with everyone else.

But all those with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) do tend to have certain qualities to a greater degree than 'normal' people - they are loyal, loving and law-abiding to a much greater degree. But to fully develop these traits, they need support, encouragement and assistance. And there are times when you wonder if it is worth the effort. Trust me - it is.

Sometimes you have to pan your way through a lot of much to find the speck of gold, but it is there.

Marg
 
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