As I said, it seems to be the laughter that sets them off. Dazed&Confused, if you hadn't laughed out loud, he might not have become angry. Perhaps when he said, "Because I'm a jerk, " you could have responded with, "You do't have to be a jerk. Somewhere in there is the really terrific kid I know a lot of people appreciate."
If I find I have to laugh (because what difficult child 3 has said is just too funny) I say as I laugh, "Oh darling, I love how you can crack me up!"
Yesterday we had a situation like this. difficult child 3 wanted to drive the car home from Wollongong. He had wanted to drive there but we were running late. However, he had not made sure we had his L plates with us, and without those, there was no driving possible. It's the law. But we had to stop for fuel, and the petrol stations often sell the magnetic L plates. difficult child 3 knew because it was his mistake, he had to pay for the new Ls. Where we stopped there were two petrol stations next to one another. The one we stopped at did not have the L plates, so I told difficult child 3 to try the other place. Meanwhile we moved off the bowser and waited. husband & I both giggled as we saw difficult child 3 running back, grin a mile wide, triumphantly waving the package with the L plates. difficult child 3 noticed me grinning and asked why I was laughing at him. So I just said, "I was enjoying your delight and enthusiasm."
I think a lot of their anger and belief they are being laughed at comes from insecurity. We need to work towards desensitising them from this because eventually they have to live in a world where people like to laugh.
As for eating at the table with you being boring - agree with him. Yep, it can be boring. We allow difficult child 3 to have his hand-held game with him, even in restaurants, but he has to put it away while he's actually eating. He also has to keep his ears available for conversation. We use the opportunity to teach him how to converse and we try to support any conversation topic he finds easy. A big lesson he needs to practice is when a change in topic is appropriate or acceptable. We always talk to him with this as if we are teachers and he is a student, and we are explaining to him how to do this. No atmosphere of "You are a difficult child," more along the lines of "When you began to talk about 'Worms Armageddon' it did not relate to what we were previously talking about, and we had not finished discussing that topic. Dad & I were talking about catching fish and the last time we went fishing. What can you remember about the last time we went fishing? Did you enjoy it? Maybe we should plan another fishing trip. What do you think?"
We encourage him to comment appropriately, then when we have exhausted that topic, we say, "OK, you had something to say before about 'Worms Armageddon'. What do you want to talk to us about?" We then try to find a way to make it relevant to us. For example, difficult child 3 might mention one of the weapons in "Worms Armageddon" which reminds husband & I about a film we know. Often these computer games have little 'in' jokes which make reference to movies or books we know, and so we explain the jokes to difficult child 3 at these opportunities. This way we are talking about something he understands and likes, but within the 'rules' of normal conversation.
At some point difficult child 3 often says, "I'm beginning to have trouble concentrating on this conversation. Can I stop now?" So we let him. He knows we will let him, which reduces his anxiety which then reduces his chance of meltdown. Every success works towards more chance of further success. So we aim for lots of little successes.
Marg