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OMG - I cant do this anymore !!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 465826" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>I am working with therapist and psychiatrist on finding new medications and solutions. I am just not sure how long it will all take. A trip to phosph is not something I can do for a lot of reasons.</p><p></p><p>I was reading this book last night, non-fiction, but there was a character in it talking about grief. She was saying there are 3 ways to feel grief - deny it until it hits you on the head - have it bring you to your knees when it first happens - or it is like a sliver that slowly splits you open. Gradually it enters your soul until you can only pour out the grief, paralyzed until it all has been purged. </p><p></p><p>I really think the latter is where I am at. Besides all the other obvious grief things I have, I was reminded of how much grief I have never processed over matt. After spending the weekend with him, manic, it made me realize all the pain I have held inside for the last 20 years. When Matt is around I just clench up and don't feel, and that is how I have spent 20 years. </p><p></p><p>The therapist keeps telling me that I am too raw to write at this moment, yet I really think that is the ONLY thing that will purge me of all the pain that is in me. I cannot do it through talking to someone once a week, or even twice a week, or even a phosph visit. I think I can only do it through writing. The problem with writing is that is takes me back into PTSD mode, and I start to have PTSD symptoms. But at this point, I am going to have to sacrifice more pain, to feel normal again. </p><p></p><p>This weekend with Matt brought back so many horrible memories - it was just one huge PTSD palooza. I can't see how writing can be much worse. Matt was so so manic this weekend. It has been 1 year and a 1/2 since I have seen the pressured speech, the distorted thinking, the rages, the suicidal ideations....a flash from the past. OMG it makes me just want to bash my head. He went to see a regular Dr about his blood pressure, and because he presented a normal stat she blew him off. He didn't tell her it was erratic. Today - it a was 116/172 with a pulse of 122 !!!! And he is 6'3 and 174 lbs. UGH. I am calling that dr back and telling her to go back through his records in AZ and look how crazy his blood pressure can be, and to do something about it....I am sure he wouldn't be as edgy if his blood pressure wasn't so high.</p><p></p><p>And of course while Matt was here my Mom went in Matt's house and cleaned the whole thing. <*forehead*>. Matt feels like he can't say anything because she is helping him with rent, and he is probably right. I certainly can't say anything. But - hello - boundaries??? </p><p></p><p>Anyway....at least I am not so depressed today....as my adrenaline is over the top dealing with Matt. I did tell him he can't come up here and visit until he has stopped cycling. It is just too much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 465826, member: 3301"] I am working with therapist and psychiatrist on finding new medications and solutions. I am just not sure how long it will all take. A trip to phosph is not something I can do for a lot of reasons. I was reading this book last night, non-fiction, but there was a character in it talking about grief. She was saying there are 3 ways to feel grief - deny it until it hits you on the head - have it bring you to your knees when it first happens - or it is like a sliver that slowly splits you open. Gradually it enters your soul until you can only pour out the grief, paralyzed until it all has been purged. I really think the latter is where I am at. Besides all the other obvious grief things I have, I was reminded of how much grief I have never processed over matt. After spending the weekend with him, manic, it made me realize all the pain I have held inside for the last 20 years. When Matt is around I just clench up and don't feel, and that is how I have spent 20 years. The therapist keeps telling me that I am too raw to write at this moment, yet I really think that is the ONLY thing that will purge me of all the pain that is in me. I cannot do it through talking to someone once a week, or even twice a week, or even a phosph visit. I think I can only do it through writing. The problem with writing is that is takes me back into PTSD mode, and I start to have PTSD symptoms. But at this point, I am going to have to sacrifice more pain, to feel normal again. This weekend with Matt brought back so many horrible memories - it was just one huge PTSD palooza. I can't see how writing can be much worse. Matt was so so manic this weekend. It has been 1 year and a 1/2 since I have seen the pressured speech, the distorted thinking, the rages, the suicidal ideations....a flash from the past. OMG it makes me just want to bash my head. He went to see a regular Dr about his blood pressure, and because he presented a normal stat she blew him off. He didn't tell her it was erratic. Today - it a was 116/172 with a pulse of 122 !!!! And he is 6'3 and 174 lbs. UGH. I am calling that dr back and telling her to go back through his records in AZ and look how crazy his blood pressure can be, and to do something about it....I am sure he wouldn't be as edgy if his blood pressure wasn't so high. And of course while Matt was here my Mom went in Matt's house and cleaned the whole thing. <*forehead*>. Matt feels like he can't say anything because she is helping him with rent, and he is probably right. I certainly can't say anything. But - hello - boundaries??? Anyway....at least I am not so depressed today....as my adrenaline is over the top dealing with Matt. I did tell him he can't come up here and visit until he has stopped cycling. It is just too much. [/QUOTE]
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