Omg I HATE weekends even more!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Feb 14, 2015.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    My son is his way or no way, biting himself, demanding, tantrum,peeled the door, kicked me,throws his tpys at us toy guns, hard toys, soft doesnt matter either this kids really hates me or hes mental. And because my "friend" and others say " he doesnt act this way with me, its you" so its all me.

    I cant even ask if he needs to use the restroom before I take a shower, I cant ask if he would like something to eat on most occasion or he blows up yelling nO shutup, I told you already your dumb. Umm, most occasions he doesnt tell me! Sometimes when he does I cant here him because he wont get up to answer he yells across the room and he blows that I didnt hear him.

    So lets start with my dad mentioned he was going for coffee, son wanted to go, my dad said no and son blew. Son wanted later to go to the bank my dad said no, I said Ill take you to the bakery when I get back, and son blew. For simple things like shutting a door, picking up after himself( at least mostly- he throws his stuff all over the floor incl food, wrappers etc) he cant sit in a place that has nothing of his on it as he piled his stuff on particular chair he demands us to move it. My dad told him no going out to eat( with friend) if he couldn't pick the stuff off the floor( this was after nicely asking him to pick it up previously) and son blew.

    So we get him the rest of today, tomorrow, and Monday! But then mornings start and the arguments over homework and bathing and lunch , yes even lunch.

    Hope your weekend goes better for you all.Just venting as usual here.

    Oh lets add daughter and her addiction to the computer/tv and staying up ALL night... Im getting limited internet just enough for her to do classwork, if not we go to the library. If she goes over the hours allowed for play and cant do her work, she loses all her electronics.( and oh my does she hyperventilate no kidding) Library will be her thing!
  2. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I have to admit that I really don't likentge weekends, either. Too much free time and not enough to things to do. And where we live, this coming week is "mid-winter recess", so the kids are off all week. Joy (not!!).

    I hope the rest of the weekend goes quickly for you.
  3. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Ohhhhh I know this. One simple request/demand is met with "No!" "Don't talk to me," and then slamming doors, cursing, throwing stuff around, etc. I'm talking about things like "Would you like some lunch?", or "We're going to the beach and we are all using the restroom first. You should try and go, too." Little things, no big deal things.

    He actually managed to sabotage the play that he and his class had worked on for months. His teacher, normally the sweetest, most patient person on the planet, is so angry with him that she won't even accept his apology. If I had ever even looked at my parents funny or given them that kind of disrespectful back talk, well, I would have had a fat lip for sure. Why does this child (or any of our darlings) have to fight life so hard? Why can't they look around and realize that their actions are making their lives--and all of our lives--so much harder than it needs to be? Gawd.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Maybe because everyone else, for a long time, has made their life very hard.

    We never know the whole picture. I'm finding things out 10 and 12 years later, that had I known, would have changed my approach in many ways. But I did not know. I can accept that - we do the best we can with what we know.

    Maybe there is a lot more going on than what you see.
  5. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Bunny- Its sad that I feel this way too. Oh recess from school I forgot!! Ours will be coming up to! Agg! I wish you luck to!

    HMBgal-I know, its a surprise what reaction we are going to get! Sorry he did that to his class :(

    InsaneCdn- Good point but its how do we get anything else out of them now? I know my son said he doesnt know why he gets so angry sometimes. I told him lastnight what does he think needs to happen when he is violent as he is, threatens us, name call etc? Hes thinking what should happen and he was shocked I asked him that. I did once before but he was younger. Lets see what he comes up with today! I told him I may or may not agree to it! But want to see if we can try something new. He knows Im serious-I hope!
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I so know that feeling as well. I feel/felt that way a lot even more so when my son was younger. Work (teaching) was my respite for many years when he was younger. No matter how tough of a difficult child I might have had at school during those years, it was nothing compared to what was waiting me when I would get home.

    These days when the weekends seems long or breaks seem long, it is because he gets so bored (if he isn't working or having a friend over) and he wants my husband and I to be his "friends" and do things with him, take him places, buy him things and when he doesn't get his way he becomes angry, making noises, etc... but it's better than the violence of old.
  7. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Wiped Out, I almost became a teacher and glad I didnt! It is a difference when they are our own! It is better but still frustrating for you I bet!

    *** What makes it almost as bad is if they want to go somewhere or someone calls to take them somewhere, they still wont get ready? Uggh!!!!!!!
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Something is obviously going on. It is probably within him, something he was born with. Or else he has attachment disorder maybe from early on.Whatever it is, I don't believe the child can help it. I just don't. There is nothing in it for him to be acting this way...he just seems to have no control over his emotions at all, and I believe it is probably a physical cause, unless it is attachment disorder which DOES affect the wiring in the brain.

    I give him three years and he'll be in residential unless he is diagnosed fast and given tons of intervention. I do know it is frustrating when they only act out with us. However, this "friend", who's advice often doesn't sound very friend like, is wrong. The kids act out on those they are SURE love them. They don't do it to strangers because they know they don't. But they can't hold it in forever as for the most part they were born differently wired and do not have the ability to hold it in, at least not without medication sometimes (and often they are given the wrong medication) and/or therapy or residential treatment centers. Even then, it is no guarantee.

    If we are here, on this forum, our children, young or older, are not reacting like "normal" children act. Other than perhaps picking somebody bad to have a baby with, thus increasing the risk that the baby will be born with his genetic personality and mental health and anger issues, nobody here did anything wrong...and that isn't wrong. It's usually done while we are extremely young ourselves and no malice is intended.

    Confused, do not give up. You are getting stronger. Is there a sliding scale mental health clinic in your county? We have one and some folks can go for no cost, if they have low enough income. I go to ours and it's awesome. I now have a choice of going there or to a private place and I like the county mental health center better. Somebody has to help you with your son. It is too hard to do this alone.

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  9. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I think that MidWest Mom is right. He's only 8 (at least that is what your signature says) and he's acting like this. What is going to happen when he's 16 and bigger than everybody?

    Does he see a therapist? Is anyone working with him?
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Confused, I do agree that there is something going on. Over the years my son was hospitalized five times. He couldn't control what he was doing. Almost every time he was violent I called the psychiatrist (who appreciated the calls). We qualified for some services. He even qualified for Medicaid through the Katie Beckett program which doesn't look at parent income at all.

    The first time he was hospitalized was so scary. He was only 7 years old. Even so it provided us with some truly needed respite. Each hospitalization helped to a point, the last one being the most helpful.
  11. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Midwest, I dont feel that he has attachment disorder. I mean, from what Im reading, its not what happened. I feel we bonded, as he bonded with my dad. ( same with daughter) Ok so this is what I found on the net...and NONE of these ever happened, with either child. We were those parents that the second they cried we ran over checked them, loved them , changed them, played, held etc. Neither showed any of the insecure attachment either. In fact I asked him why he insist to go to grandpas with me and I asked is it because a new place to sleep like a vacation? he said yes and he wants to be with me.

    You said "and I believe it is probably a physical cause" like what? "I give him three years and he'll be in residential unless he is diagnosed fast and given tons of intervention. I do know it is frustrating when they only act out with us. However, this "friend", who's advice often doesn't sound very friend like, is wrong. The kids act out on those they are SURE love them. They don't do it to strangers because they know they don't. But they can't hold it in forever"----
    Im trying to get him in and treated now, Im sacred for him. Just yesterday I was flipping through scary photos of these murders when they were kids and it just scares me what if my son loses his temper and cant stop,or hes in jail non stop for abuse? Im scared like crazy and am trying to help him. I do feel like if its just with us, its because of us. And I see her point she said "he couldn't control it hed be this way everywhere, so he can control it. " Hes know her his whole life and has seen her daily almost, and he claims he knows she loves him. She says she loves him and my daughter and is willing to take custody if anything ever happened to me. He knows this. They have medicaid so many places should be able to help, its just the matter of time and the right place I don't know.

    What causes reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems?
    Reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems occur when children have been unable to consistently connect with a parent or primary caregiver. This can happen for many reasons:

    • A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.
    • A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.
    • No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.
    • A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.
    • A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.
    • Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.
    • The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.
    • A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).
    • The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.
    Signs and symptoms of insecure attachment in infants:
    • Avoids eye contact
    • Doesn’t smile
    • Doesn’t reach out to be picked up
    • Rejects your efforts to calm, soothe, and connect
    • Doesn’t seem to notice or care when you leave them alone
    • Cries inconsolably
    • Doesn’t coo or make sounds
    • Doesn’t follow you with his or her eyes
    • Isn’t interested in playing interactive games or playing with toys
    • Spend a lot of time rocking or comforting themselves

    bunny- no hes currently not with the therapist, been trying to get him diagnosed but should be soon. When he did speak with one the therapist said its all me on the third visit let my son grow. Let him grow? I didnt understand he said let him be a kid and do things, sports, school etc. Umm he was in mini sports, parks, parties, all day school, functions, kids on the block, vacations, museums, etc etc!!! I did give him little freedom based on age and behavior! Yikes that counselor!

    Wiped Out- must of been scary for you all and him, but glad hes gotten help and he got that medicaid. Yes, my kids have their medicaid, food stamps, had WIC so it helps, just takes a while! I think it also took me a while because I was listening that it was all my and my dads fault to. I knew when my son was 1 1/2( when I came on here I think) that something wasnt right- he was too moody, too many long tantrums and every year it just got worse. It was all the same every year, " he has speech issues, hes a boy, your daughter is 6 years older so your getting used to being a mom again, your learning to handle two kids now, " yikes really I thought? He of course was a hard pregnancy as well as up 4 times a night from day one! So should I say since I was prego? haha poor son!! But oddly the baby I lost was a boy, the boys I had bad pregnancy.. missing a chromosome or too many type issue? Genes as you all say? I don't know....
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    By "physical", I think MWM means something different in the way the brain is wired. It could be from biodad, for example - if he had issues, or if issues were anywhere in his family tree, this kid can inherit them. It is NOT just nurture - part of these issues is nature i.e. the way they are born. That doesn't mean no hope, but it does mean intensive intervention.

    Keep beating down doors, keep burning up phone lines, keep trying. Somebody has to "get it" that this kid needs help.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That's exactly what I meant. What was the father like? If he is so caring, why is he no longer there to help you? Know what I mean?? He has always been this way, which is why it seems he was born differently wired and he does not know how to cope with anything. Why, I don't know. Could be from your side of the family too. I know my biological son has issues from MY genepool. It still isn't our faults. We didn't plan this.

    Your friend is wrong, by the way. Your son can control it for periods of time, but then, when he comes home to his parent, he can't control himself anymore. So you get it. It's a common problem. And your friend may love him, but she isn't his mom. It's not the same.

    I wasn't thinking of you at all when I said possible attachment disorder, nor was I even thinking he had it. But it can happen if he has very chaotic early years and early losses. Have no idea when Dad took off. At some point in time he lost his father and that IS important. But I have no idea what is going on with your son. Could be anything. He could have even had a slight problem because of a difficult birth, which again is not your fault. None of this is your fault.

    But this little guy in my opinion is not doing this on purpose. I don't believe he can control himself for any length of time, and I think that in time he will stop being able to control himself around other people. I am glad you have him waiting to get help. This little guy needs it a lot.
  14. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    InsaneCdn, Oh, I didn't understand to me its just that..physical! Learning block? His dad denies his family as well as himself having any issues although what I hear the men are serial cheaters, abusive towards women and some men I think, ( well the brother and my kids dad proof) as well as majority are alcoholics. Then add my mom and possibly her mom having the Schizophrenia... Yup, interesting combo I guess.

    Plus I heard I think from here and the one who did the evaluation that since I had pain and bleeding throughout my pregnancy, then son was 4 weeks early, that could of effected his "nervous or similar system or something" I cant think , Im tired and its still early!

    Im not giving up and my kids, they are my babies. But, ya, I have told them they need help and we cant live like this its not normal. I want to help them/us. Hopefully soon!
  15. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Midwest, my ex and I only lived together before the kids were born, and after they were born I spent nights with him with them of course. ( off and on) Their dad was in and out of their life off and on, sometimes he saw them a lot, sometimes it was a year at a time. So it was always mixed.

    I told my son he might need a different medication to help him calm down and no adhd medications, plus therapy, hes ok with it for now! Thats a start for me to see him ok again with it. ( he gets his times when hes mad and says he wont go of course)
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  16. Confused, has he been diagnosed by a psychologist? Our Difficult Child was like that for many years. He was extremely unreasonable, blew up about all kinds of things, was very violent and aggressive. It was like he was walking around with a big chip on his shoulder looking for something to pick a fight about so he could let out all the anger that was constantly seething inside him. He was diagnosed with ADHD and depression for many years, but they were misdiagnoses. He was hospitalized several times when he was 7 and 8 years old and we had to place him in residential treatment for year when he was 8. They took him off stimulants and put him on anti-anxiety medications, which helped slightly, but then sent him home after a year saying that he wasn't making any progress.

    He was home for another year, still having problems and so we admitted him to a different residential facility when he was 10. There was a different psychiatrist at that facility who recognized the symptoms of bipolar disorder (which they now call something different in children - I think it's intermittent explosive disorder). Once his medications were switched to bipolar medications, his anger and violence and bad moods dropped dramatically. He's still not an easy child to live with, but we are no longer feel like we are in danger in our own home. Some doctors don't believe that children can have bipolar disorder because it appears different than the long periods of highs and lows that adults have, but it exists. Our son was that way from birth. The stimulants that they gave him for his ADHD diagnosis made his anger and violence from the bipolar disorder much worse.
  17. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Hi Second Time Around welcome!!!!! He went to a Counselor did no good,long story I posted way back when. Then to a Neurologist for ADHD /Sleep issues which he was diagnosed with both. Also his sleep test showed "something there" like a violence reaction he said.Then, I took him and daughter to a Neuropsychologist which my son has 3 definite diagnose,two from previous Dr he agreed upon, and one he made himself. The other 13 different rule out( or in) diagnoses were just that.. rule in or out!!! Really? Im still upset that he hasnt had a yes or no, rule in. Rule out but not rule in or outs!!!

    Daughter had 5 probables,1 possible, 2 keep tabs,1 rule out( or in) and an academic problem! Still looking at A proper diag for both with therapy for all of us. See I forgot that "intermittent explosive disorder" was biPolar and yes, my son is exactly how my friends older daughter is. She has Bipolar and another issue. My son does also suffer off his ADHD medications as he fails but when on he does overall good. Except reading alot. My son does sound like your son too so far.

    Im glad your son got properly diagnosed as well as doing better. Any better is wonderful for us parents and for our kids! Thank you for sharing, as I bring up this forum( its how I got listened to also but never bring up the name, just a parent forum!!!) I will also bring your story up if you dont mind :) Thank you for sharing!

    Hmmm a think I need to find my post where I posted the listings...
  18. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Ok, found it!

    Ok, so again saying parent child relationship issues- is he meaning me or what? The way he was talking before was cuz of their father. Me? Im not that bad!!
    ( emotion high in house - well ya, when son is violent throwing things and such for hrs on end- thats what I forgot other posts)

    Ok so add Multisystemic Therapy? Any of you done this? Is this My fault completely?

    He suggested resprite care for me by hiring a trained mental health worker provide therapeutic childcare

    No access to guns or weapons

    Exercise plenty

    Pharmacotherapy for ADHD but also for his Mood Instability

    Talk Therapy for all of us

    Other misc things I need to read..

    DSM-5 diag are applied current and past difficulties...
    ADHD Combined Presentation ( already official diag by Neurologist)
    Encopresis ( already official diag by pediatrician)
    Unspecified Tic Disorder* lip and nose... ( Hes first one to say anything so this is new)
    All following are rule out ( or in)------> what does this mean really? No definite again:
    Unspecified Neurodevelopmental Disorder
    Borderline Intellectual Functioning
    Specific Learning Disorder With Math Impairment
    Developmental Coordination Disorder
    Unspecified Depressive Disorder
    Unspecified Anxiety Disorder
    Oppositional Defiant Disorder
    Unspecified Disruptive Behavior Disorder
    Interment Explosive Disorder
    Sibling Relational Problem
    Academic or Educational Problem

    Read more:
  19. Hello Confused,

    Thanks for posting the original diagnoses your son had. It's very difficult to diagnose these kinds of things as kids often have a combination of things or symptoms can seem similar, but have different causes. It sounds like you still aren't where you need to be, so I would suggest that you keep looking at things. We had 3 different pediatric psychiatrists diagnose Difficult Child at different times as well as a neurological evaluation starting at age 5. He was 12 before we had a diagnosis and treatment that worked. So, I would encourage you to keep going. Our Difficult Child had an original diagnosis of ADHD, but he definitely had way more going on that that. He actually has both ADHD and bipolar disorder. The ADHD medications did help him focus in school, but he was constantly irritable and raging, so he no longer takes medications for ADHD.

    He started neurofeedback once a week 4 months ago and that is helping his ADHD symptoms. He is much calmer and also less anxious and fearful. We'll continue the treatments for at least another 3-4 months as it is a slow process.The therapist did a QEEG and found that his brain was putting out lots of high beta waves. This causes excess energy, excitement, anxiety, and irritability. The neurofeedback is retraining his brain to produce less high beta waves so it's more balanced. We also found out that 60% of the people with ADHD produce too many theta waves, which makes them sleepy and unfocused. The hyperactivity is actually their brain's way of trying to stay awake. The other 40% produce too many high beta waves. Most ADHD medications are stimulants, which increase beta waves, so that's one of the reasons the ADHD medications were making Difficult Child worse.

    Difficult Child also has some sensory and coordination issues, which have never been treated - he has trouble cutting up his food, his handwriting is almost illegible, he walks and runs awkwardly and is accident-prone. He's also super-sensitive to pain, taste and smells. One of the things we've done is try to eliminate food dyes and junk food from his diet as much as possible. He seems to get especially hyper after eating those. Some parents have found that dietary changes such as eliminating gluten or dairy or trying the Feingold diet have reduced some symptoms as well.

    Our Difficult Child is very smart in some ways, but doesn't get a lot of things that others would easily understand. Part of it is that he isn't able to understand how others think. He cannot empathize with others or imagine how they might feel differently than he does. He is also very literal, which your son seems to be as well. Your description of his reaction to the movie seems to show very literal thinking. Your son may also just be extremely exhausted from trying to function as everything takes so much more effort than for typical kids. He may be exploding because he's overwhelmed.

    I would say it's definitely the way he's wired, not a parenting issue. It's true that kids from dysfunctional homes often have behavioral issues, but that doesn't mean that's the reason every child is having these problems.

    Keep looking at things and trying new things and take care of yourself and the rest of your family as much as possible. Try to get breaks, get away and do something without the kids sometimes. Otherwise, you will get burned out.
  20. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you and Im not giving up! Thank you for sharing, for every person that shares if even there situation or diagnose is different, it just helps me realize we arent alone and we can all help eachother :) My friend that disagrees with me on what is or isnt with him, started taking my son with her and her daughter out to eat and the movies again, so she has been helping once again.