OMG - phone bill

[Kjs]

I am shaking. I am just shaking, sick, feel like I am going to BARF.

We got my husband a new phone and added him to the Verizon plan for xmas. My two boys and him now are on a plan. First time husband has had a camera/video phone.

I brought the bill home one day (I view it online) and there were all these calls to 9999999999, like every minute for hours. He said he didn't know what it was.

I just spent an hour on the phone with Verizon. He (husband) had viewed (not charged) viewed, 141 video clips. On a portion of the bill that isn't online, (I had to download that) it gave the names of the video clips.
x-girls, hot gymnast, pleasure seekers, hot girl , excited baby, busty sharae....And I could go on and on.

I am shaking, sick, crying. I know he hasn't touched me in years and years. Not even a kiss or hug. But THIS is just SICK. I called him. He said it is nothing more than women in bikinis. He said he goes in the bathroom at WORK and does this because they ALL do it. GROSS. He said it doesn't go through from work. Which would be correct. Because the times on the bill are NOT work hours. On January 5th from 4:49pm until 10:24pm EVERY MINUTE he viewed a clip. EVERY MINUTE.

OMG. How can he do this. He won't touch me but he will go in the bathroom at work and view clips????

Thought I was depressed before. Why is it when you feel like you can't get any lower..the lowest bottom falls out.

 

[ML]

((((((((((((KJS)))))))))))))))))) I can imagine how hurtful it feels to not have husband initiate intimacy for so long and then this. Please know this is not about you! It's about him. I really hope that this new therapist you found can help your family find its way back to itself. Thinking of you. Love, ML

 

[Kjs]

I just don't understand. I HAVE tried to initiate things over the years. He just doesn't respond. Thought it was a problem he had and wouldn't address. But didn't understand no hugging or kissing, or even touching my hand.

I try to keep myself looking nice. Apparently when you are 46...it just isn't possible.
I just don't understand. He thinks there is nothing wrong with this. He LAUGHED at me when I told him how I felt. he LAUGHED.

 

[1905]

((((HUGS)))) Don't you dare put yourself down! This is his freaky problem, not one that you caused. Do things for yourself today, things that make you feel nice,... love yourself. Tomorrow and the next day, same thing-Alyssa

 

[klmno]

Kjs, I agree- this is not about you. He might somehow try to justify it that way or some other way, but this is a problem- an addiction, if you will. He needs treatment. I'd say now you have your answer- he's hooked on porn and that's not you. It isn't anything personal against you, although I'm sure it hurts the same. A good therapist who specializes in this is in order, in my humble opinion. If he won't go, it might do you some good to talk to someone about it. After you hit hhim over the head with that phone then take the phone back.

 

[mstang67chic]

Do not. I repeat....do NOT feel guilty over any of this. This is NOT you!! It is ALL husband. And if he can't see that viewing porn (or close to porn....whatever) EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. for FIVE HOURS AND 37 MINUTES straight AND not having an interest in real life sex or physical contact with his own wife in years isn't a problem......then...well I don't know what but something needs to happen. I must also congratulate you for your restraint. If I told my husband what you told yours and he LAUGHED? Copious amounts of blood would have been shed and NONE of it would have been mine. (Well, unless I somehow cut myself on the shovel when I was burying his cold body that is )

I agree in taking the phone away. If he wants a phone, he can get one himself. husband isn't here to ask but you may want to look into the various types of blocks that are available for your plan. If you want though, I can ask husband about it when he gets home shortly. Pm me if you want, and I'll find out what can be done. (I'll probably need to know what kind of plan you have....no personal details, just the type of plan....so husband knows what you have and what is available)

Upallnight is right. Go do something nice for yourself.

 

[gcvmom]

Sent you a PM.

 

[susiestar]

I am SO SORRY. It sounds like you are in a really bad situation. Your husband and son both blame you for anything that goes wrong, like difficult child losing his homework. Now you find your husband is viewing hours and hours of porn and laughing at your feelings.

You need to take ALL of this to a therapist and dump it in their lap. Then follow their advice.

I would recommend going to a Domestic Violence shelter and asking for counselling. You are being emotionally and verbally abused. I know it is hard to accept, but you are. All that blame, telling you at 46 you can't be desireable, that is all garbage. It is ABUSE.

PLEASE get help for yourself. If you don't, you have no hope of teaching difficult child healthier ways of behaving. And maybe difficult child's headaches are contributed to by all the stress in hte home (NOT saying it is your fault - it is your husband"S!!!).

Many gentle hugs and TONS of support no matter what you do!

Susie

 

[Sheila]

I'd be devastated. But it's not your problem, it's husband's.

Hugs for you

 

[Fran]

I'm sure you are hurt. How can you not. Hugs.

 

[Hound dog]

Do not feel crummy over this. YOU have nothing to do with it. Although I know it hurts, most especially since husband doesn't want intimacy.

I don't get my feathers ruffled over porn. It's a guy thing. I've had enough male friends over the years to understand that.

But even knowing that, husband has some issues going on. I don't know 20 year olds needing to look at it to that extreme. And then to have the audacity to laugh at how it made you feel......woah. My husband would be too afraid to sleep ever again, if it were him. grrrrr

Take the phone away. If husband wants to use it for that, let him buy his own phone and pay the bill for it. You don't need to know about it.

It's not my place to say, but maybe husband just gave you 2 huge reasons to re-evaluate your relationship.

I'm so sorry. You deserve better. ((((hugs))))

 

[hearts and roses]

Sounds like your H has an addiction to porn. Pics of nude women is porn.

Porn works very well for ppl who can't deal with real intimacy, real emotions, or real life on face to face terms.

I have been there done that with this issue and I can assure you - IT HAS NADA, NOTHING, NIL, ZIP, ZILCH, ABSOLUTELY WHATSOEVER, IN ANY WAY, TO DO WITH YOU.

That said, it doesn't help you feel better about yourself. We can't help but feel that an H's inattention has everything to do with us. But it doesn't. It's in their own psyche. Halle Berry is a prime example. Beautiful woman, right? Her stupid ex-h was addicted to sex and porn. Doesn't make sense does it? It was all about him. Not her.

Discuss this and how you feel and your reaction to this issue with your therapist. It is very important that you understand how important it is to trust your gut reaction to how this affects your marriage and your personal self.

It is not about what's acceptable by society on the whole, it's about what is acceptable to YOU and within the boundaries of your marriage. Some women don't have a problem with porn in their marriage and that is usually because it hasn't replaced the intimacy of the relationship. For others, it is a problem because the porn use has replaced the intimacy in a relationship - and I"m not just talking about physical intimacy; emotional as well.

(((kjs))) disconnect that line and nurture yourself. You don't need the attentions of H or any other man to make you feel beautiful or wanted or desired or lovely and sexy. You are all of those things and more. YOU have to see it, though, so work it out with your therapist. Sending many many hugs.

 

[Wiped Out]

The others are right, it isn't about you, it's him and I'm sorry he keeps hurting you. You deserve so much more. Wrapping you in a gentle hug.

 

[trinityroyal]

Kjs, the others have already given you good advice.

Please do not, I repeat, DO NOT! blame yourself for any of this. It is H's issue, not yours.
I agree with the advice to go to a therapist, tell them everything you've told us, and nurture yourself.

You deserve so much better than that.

I also agree that you should cut off the phone. No way should you be paying H's phone bill if that's how he's putting it to use.

Sending many gentle hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain.

 

[totoro]

I am so sorry. Please try not to be harder on yourself than you most likely already are.
We all deserve affection.

 

[Kjs]

I was at work when I came across all this. Thing is, during the usage month I saw hundreds of calls to 999999999. I printed it off and showed it to him. I asked him if he knew what that was. If maybe he was hitting a button accidentally. He said he had no idea and he would never call someone every minute. Said he can't accidentally push a button because it is a flip phone. But now that the billing cycle has ended, all the 9999999999 calls have disappeared and 141 video clips showed up. mind you, this is from xmas day to 1/12. He has never had a camera phone. easy child set it up for him so he can view ESPN and sports scores. He does not know how to use the computer. No magazines. Goes nowhere. So what has been going on in the past? How would this have happened in the past?

When I called him from work he laughed and said it nothing that cannot be on TV. It is free video clips and cost nothing and anybody can access it. That I am NUTS.

Denied all the times. So I printed it off. Showed it to him when I got home. Again he tried to justify it. Laughed at me. And denied all the calls. He says "I don't care what that paper says, I didn't do that" and continued to laugh.

He is mad at ME and won't come out of the basement when I am home. I did get a nice jab in. Told him difficult child has two homework assignments for tomorrow, if he can pry himself away from his phone, could he please make sure difficult child does it. (I have to work)

So not only does he deny that....I have told easy child and difficult child NOT to download music or games to their phones. I pay enough for it. I told them every month for a year. Finally today after 9 downloads between the two I blocked any downloads for all phones.

difficult child denied it. Said "I don't care what the bill shows, look at my phone, I have none"
There is also a 9.99 charge on difficult child's phone. Verizon said it is a ringtone. When ever there is advertised a FREE ring tone, whether TV, internet whatever, It is NOT free. The initial download is but then they charge 9.99 per month for the use of the ringtone. Only way to stop that is to text the 5 digit number, supplied by Verizon and put in End, Stop, unsubscribe. All depends on the ring tone provider.

difficult child denied doing that too.

I am just sick. husband even has times at 3:45 and on. He gets out of work at 3:30. Isn't even home at that time. Is he viewing as he is driving??

I am just crushed. And even more so that he blames me and is mad at ME. Laughing saying "everybody at work does it". Mad at me for being so upset.

wouldn't even bother me so much if he would touch me once in a while. 14 years is a long time and I didn't sign up for this!!!

 

[gcvmom]

You have every right to be angry. He is trying to minimize your pain by dismissing his behavior as being o.k. because everyone else does it. That's NOT O.K.

Fourteen years is an eternity. It sounds like the two of you are long overdue for a counseling session. You need to know why he's avoiding you, and he needs to know why this hurts.

I pm'd a reply to you by the way.

 

[flutterbee]

KJS,

I don't know what to say, but it sounds like H checked out of the marriage a long time ago. His actions and his behavior are a reflection of HIM, not you.

He doesn't deserve you. And you deserve so much better. I hope you can see that.

(((hugs)))

 

[susiestar]

I am so very sorry you are hurting. If everyone at work does it, then they may ALL be in for a rude awakening if he works for a corporation. MOST of them have strict rules against this, and they DO fire people if they find out about this. It has happened here several times. It made a local paper because the man who was fired put up a stink because "everyone does it". It ended up with 6 people getting fired for this. And they were using their OWN phones. It was one town over (about 10 miles away maybe) and it was in their little local paper.

I am so sorry. This really sounds like an addiction. Does he have stuff in the basement he doesn't want you to look at or that he gets upset if you get into? I would be watchful for that, to see if the porn habit is growing. I would also check ANY computer he is using, or that difficult child is using. If he had difficult child set up his phone, and he seems to side with difficult child when things get lost and difficult child is yelling at you, he may enlist difficult child to "help" him find more of this stuff.

I would be going through "his" stuff when he is not home, just to see what is going on.

It does sound like he checked out of the marriage a while back. I think you should go to counseling whether he goes with you or not.

Gentle hugs for your hurting heart.

Susie

 

[goldenguru]

Wow. I'd be livid - hurt - sad -

Can you call the phone company and block whatever he is doing? Can you switch the phone out of your name into his?

He sounds like a sex addict. It is a very prevalent issue - given the easy access to porn via the web. I agree with all the others - I would insist on therapy!!

So sorry.