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OMG - things are bad - and apparently I am the one to blame
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 321127" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Steely, </p><p> </p><p>Recently I've had some struggles in which I've tried to run around and make everyone see my son the way I do; through a Mothers eyes. I wanted them to see this vulnerable, unsocial, unable, mentally behind, emotionally defunct child who couldn't possibly get along in the real world like I do. I argued that here is a kid who has no education, no job, is a felon, can't even count change or hardly tell time on a wall clock - and I'm supposed to allow him to go out into the world on a train to be around one of the most horrible men I've ever met in my life. Not only to see him, but to spend time with him. HOW DARE THEY say I should ALLOW this. Not only ALLOW THIS but lets buy his ticket too. I was furious. Oh furious doesn't even begin to describe the emotions I had. Livid, urge to spit nails and hang fence - you name it. I was untouchable. </p><p> </p><p>I couldn't not explain to anyone how ridiculous this entire idea, or folly was. I thought everyone had lost their mind. Were they looking at the same boy I was? The one I had protected, sheltered, sacrificed, cared for, loved, taken care of for the last 19 years? The answer back hurt. It was "You mean the one you are "Coddling, and Mommying at 19 years of age? Sure, when does HE get to live his life and make his own mistakes on his own and start to become a man? Or do you intend on having him hate you for the rest of his life because you continue to hold him back here where everything is safe for you?" ....I.....Was.....BEYOND.....Furious. </p><p> </p><p>Mommy-ing? Coddling? Babying? Holding him back? But don't you SEE he's ....different? And the answer back was "Of course he's different, but how does he ever learn if you're always there to pick him up and fix it for him? How does he ever know what to do on his own if Mommy is always there to (fill in the blank)? </p><p> </p><p>Steely - it took a lot for him to let....no put my son on a train and let him go two states away with no cell phone, and $30 in his pocket. He had no plans (his choice) when he got there. He had no ride to pick him up (when he got there) He had no place to stay (his plans) He had no idea who was going to feed him (His plans) He had no idea how he was going to get back (his plan again). He just knew he had to get there, and he knew I needed to let him. Despite my best attempts to thwart every plan? I needed to let him go. I needed to let him go for him and for me. He needed to go. </p><p> </p><p>When he was in residential? I went through a lot of similar times like you are going through with Matt. I was told that we were enmeshed. We had a relationship that was co-dependent. It was considered unhealthy because being co-dependent on someone is not healthy ever, whether it's you and your son, your son and his Mom. Your husband and his wife, your wife and her Mom....doesn't matter who the two people are? Co-dependency is not healthy. It's also not easy to hear that this is a potential problem. First because well, for me? I thought the term was unnecessary - THEY HAD NO IDEA what Dude and I had been through together. We were all we had - ever through times that most people should have died from. Through times when everyone else left us. Through things that no one else could have survived...it was just me, and him. How dare they say - we were co-dependent, and enmeshed. We weren't enmeshed - we were survivors. Well, truth is? Taking that stance means? You're co-dependent. That type of relationship GETS you through the times that ARE traumatic and you do survive - but after? Kids need to break from their parents and move in a different and healthy direction, and so do parents, but you get trapped (as a unit) in depending on each other and a lot of times - you just get stuck there and stay there. So you grow that way. You don't think it's bad -----rather you think it's honorable or you see it as strength between a Mother and son or between two family members - like kids who survive foster care or some other trauma. </p><p> </p><p>This is what it came to with Dude. He became SO dependent on me that when anyone else tried to discipline him? He was oppositional. He acted out. Then with me? He didn't listen either. It just became such a mess. Even today? At 19 it's better than it was? But there were months at a time I was told "If you don't break communication with him and let him learn to trust someone else? You'll loose him. He has GOT to learn to be dependent on his own thoughts and actions." So at 10 years old? I left him to his own thoughts for 6 months. No contact. When he was 5 years old? I had no contact for 1 month. It was heck on earth....he was in the state hospital. It helped. He was able to depend on himself. He did not feel abandoned. He knew I loved him. </p><p> </p><p>At 19 - I would caution you that this is possibly his last chance at trying to pull things together FOR HIM - this is HIS last chance. This placement has nothing to do with you. This is all about Matt. Matt's future. Not how they see Steely...or what they think you've done. They are so far beyond that in his therapy at this point - What they are talking to him about on a daily basis is "THIS IS MATTS LIFE...MATT IS RESPONSIBLE....WHAT IS MATT DOING FOR MATT?? MATT HAS NO ONE TO BLAME FOR HIS ACTIONS BUT MATT....MATT CAN NOT BLAME HIS MOM ANY MORE....and THAT is why they are telling you.....DO NOT CALL. </p><p> </p><p>If he gets a call.....he can get upset......then get sullen.....then throw a tantrum.....and then he can go back to EVERYONE AND SAY "MY MOM SAID, MY MOM UPSET ME, MY MOM XXX....and BLAME ALL HIS PROBLEMS ON YOU.." without the call? HE HAS ONLY MATT TO ANSWER TO FOR HIS TANTRUMS, HIS OUTBURSTS, HIS BEHAVIOR....and THAT is NOT COMFORTABLE FOR MATT....and MATT NEEDS SOMEONE TO BLAME SO HE IS CALLING THE ONE PERSON HE ALWAYS HAS AND NOW HE CAN'T SO HE's GUILTING YOU INTO FEELING BAD....</p><p> </p><p>LET HIM ALONE.....LET him work on MATT......TELL THAT Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that they have your TOTAL and 100% cooperation ......and that you get what they are trying to do.....and that you want MATT to grow up, but it's just hard for you to hear him hurt.....and you'd appreciate a progress call maybe once a week....that you'd look forward to that from his counselor. </p><p> </p><p>I'm sorry hon - I know.....I know how you feel about things being away from you and how it hurts and how it gets personalized. BUT THIS? This is NOTHING to do with you - UNLESS -----UNLESS you butt in and "save" him. It's not saving if you do. I thought it was too. It's not. And boy does it sting. Especially when another board member calls you on the phone and says "You're DF is right - you had to let him go and you can't be Mommy." and you think....I know....I know...why are they (board member and DF right) and I'm wrong? ----she has kids....HE has kids...and HER kids are difficult child....so she's not going to tell me to do things that are wrong??? No.....UGH....They're right. and......I .......am<span style="font-size: 9px">.....(wrong)</span> wrote that really small because that's what I felt like. Really small. </p><p> </p><p>I can't tell you to or not to rush up there, burst through the door and jump up on a conference table in furry ugg boots and a furry Russian hat yelling "COME ON MATTHEW I'm taking you out of this HE77 HOLE." and then you drive home in your Cougar Jeep, and live happily ever after, he takes the spare room, gets a job, goes to Adult Ed, you never argue again, he gets a night job, helps you with the bills, meets a nice girl, moves out, helps you with the bills still, goes on to community college, lands a great 6 figure job (still helps you with the bills) and things just keep going in a positive direction and you laugh every Christmas about you bursting through the doors in your furry Ugg boots that one week before Christmas yelling "I'll save you Matthew." ---because it could happen. </p><p> </p><p>But, the reality of it isn't as likely and that's the thing that YOU have to really put your thinking cap on now for and ask yourself - IF I do remove Matt from there AMA....what happens to him then? How does MY life change? What does this mean for him? School? Work? What happens IF I don't get him disablity...because Dude got turned down twice now....and we're just gobsmacked about that, and he can't GET a job....how about driving? A car, insurance, gas...arguing, holes in the wall? Your neighbor - the arguing, his education, driving him to school, and on and on. </p><p> </p><p>It's a lot to weigh out with a 19 year old man.....and I say man because despite what you think about him in your head and heart - in HIS head and heart - he's a man. He's no longer a boy. </p><p> </p><p>Just something to consider. I hope something in all of this rambling helps you. It was hard for me too. really Really. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 321127, member: 4964"] Steely, Recently I've had some struggles in which I've tried to run around and make everyone see my son the way I do; through a Mothers eyes. I wanted them to see this vulnerable, unsocial, unable, mentally behind, emotionally defunct child who couldn't possibly get along in the real world like I do. I argued that here is a kid who has no education, no job, is a felon, can't even count change or hardly tell time on a wall clock - and I'm supposed to allow him to go out into the world on a train to be around one of the most horrible men I've ever met in my life. Not only to see him, but to spend time with him. HOW DARE THEY say I should ALLOW this. Not only ALLOW THIS but lets buy his ticket too. I was furious. Oh furious doesn't even begin to describe the emotions I had. Livid, urge to spit nails and hang fence - you name it. I was untouchable. I couldn't not explain to anyone how ridiculous this entire idea, or folly was. I thought everyone had lost their mind. Were they looking at the same boy I was? The one I had protected, sheltered, sacrificed, cared for, loved, taken care of for the last 19 years? The answer back hurt. It was "You mean the one you are "Coddling, and Mommying at 19 years of age? Sure, when does HE get to live his life and make his own mistakes on his own and start to become a man? Or do you intend on having him hate you for the rest of his life because you continue to hold him back here where everything is safe for you?" ....I.....Was.....BEYOND.....Furious. Mommy-ing? Coddling? Babying? Holding him back? But don't you SEE he's ....different? And the answer back was "Of course he's different, but how does he ever learn if you're always there to pick him up and fix it for him? How does he ever know what to do on his own if Mommy is always there to (fill in the blank)? Steely - it took a lot for him to let....no put my son on a train and let him go two states away with no cell phone, and $30 in his pocket. He had no plans (his choice) when he got there. He had no ride to pick him up (when he got there) He had no place to stay (his plans) He had no idea who was going to feed him (His plans) He had no idea how he was going to get back (his plan again). He just knew he had to get there, and he knew I needed to let him. Despite my best attempts to thwart every plan? I needed to let him go. I needed to let him go for him and for me. He needed to go. When he was in residential? I went through a lot of similar times like you are going through with Matt. I was told that we were enmeshed. We had a relationship that was co-dependent. It was considered unhealthy because being co-dependent on someone is not healthy ever, whether it's you and your son, your son and his Mom. Your husband and his wife, your wife and her Mom....doesn't matter who the two people are? Co-dependency is not healthy. It's also not easy to hear that this is a potential problem. First because well, for me? I thought the term was unnecessary - THEY HAD NO IDEA what Dude and I had been through together. We were all we had - ever through times that most people should have died from. Through times when everyone else left us. Through things that no one else could have survived...it was just me, and him. How dare they say - we were co-dependent, and enmeshed. We weren't enmeshed - we were survivors. Well, truth is? Taking that stance means? You're co-dependent. That type of relationship GETS you through the times that ARE traumatic and you do survive - but after? Kids need to break from their parents and move in a different and healthy direction, and so do parents, but you get trapped (as a unit) in depending on each other and a lot of times - you just get stuck there and stay there. So you grow that way. You don't think it's bad -----rather you think it's honorable or you see it as strength between a Mother and son or between two family members - like kids who survive foster care or some other trauma. This is what it came to with Dude. He became SO dependent on me that when anyone else tried to discipline him? He was oppositional. He acted out. Then with me? He didn't listen either. It just became such a mess. Even today? At 19 it's better than it was? But there were months at a time I was told "If you don't break communication with him and let him learn to trust someone else? You'll loose him. He has GOT to learn to be dependent on his own thoughts and actions." So at 10 years old? I left him to his own thoughts for 6 months. No contact. When he was 5 years old? I had no contact for 1 month. It was heck on earth....he was in the state hospital. It helped. He was able to depend on himself. He did not feel abandoned. He knew I loved him. At 19 - I would caution you that this is possibly his last chance at trying to pull things together FOR HIM - this is HIS last chance. This placement has nothing to do with you. This is all about Matt. Matt's future. Not how they see Steely...or what they think you've done. They are so far beyond that in his therapy at this point - What they are talking to him about on a daily basis is "THIS IS MATTS LIFE...MATT IS RESPONSIBLE....WHAT IS MATT DOING FOR MATT?? MATT HAS NO ONE TO BLAME FOR HIS ACTIONS BUT MATT....MATT CAN NOT BLAME HIS MOM ANY MORE....and THAT is why they are telling you.....DO NOT CALL. If he gets a call.....he can get upset......then get sullen.....then throw a tantrum.....and then he can go back to EVERYONE AND SAY "MY MOM SAID, MY MOM UPSET ME, MY MOM XXX....and BLAME ALL HIS PROBLEMS ON YOU.." without the call? HE HAS ONLY MATT TO ANSWER TO FOR HIS TANTRUMS, HIS OUTBURSTS, HIS BEHAVIOR....and THAT is NOT COMFORTABLE FOR MATT....and MATT NEEDS SOMEONE TO BLAME SO HE IS CALLING THE ONE PERSON HE ALWAYS HAS AND NOW HE CAN'T SO HE's GUILTING YOU INTO FEELING BAD.... LET HIM ALONE.....LET him work on MATT......TELL THAT Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that they have your TOTAL and 100% cooperation ......and that you get what they are trying to do.....and that you want MATT to grow up, but it's just hard for you to hear him hurt.....and you'd appreciate a progress call maybe once a week....that you'd look forward to that from his counselor. I'm sorry hon - I know.....I know how you feel about things being away from you and how it hurts and how it gets personalized. BUT THIS? This is NOTHING to do with you - UNLESS -----UNLESS you butt in and "save" him. It's not saving if you do. I thought it was too. It's not. And boy does it sting. Especially when another board member calls you on the phone and says "You're DF is right - you had to let him go and you can't be Mommy." and you think....I know....I know...why are they (board member and DF right) and I'm wrong? ----she has kids....HE has kids...and HER kids are difficult child....so she's not going to tell me to do things that are wrong??? No.....UGH....They're right. and......I .......am[SIZE=1].....(wrong)[/SIZE] wrote that really small because that's what I felt like. Really small. I can't tell you to or not to rush up there, burst through the door and jump up on a conference table in furry ugg boots and a furry Russian hat yelling "COME ON MATTHEW I'm taking you out of this HE77 HOLE." and then you drive home in your Cougar Jeep, and live happily ever after, he takes the spare room, gets a job, goes to Adult Ed, you never argue again, he gets a night job, helps you with the bills, meets a nice girl, moves out, helps you with the bills still, goes on to community college, lands a great 6 figure job (still helps you with the bills) and things just keep going in a positive direction and you laugh every Christmas about you bursting through the doors in your furry Ugg boots that one week before Christmas yelling "I'll save you Matthew." ---because it could happen. But, the reality of it isn't as likely and that's the thing that YOU have to really put your thinking cap on now for and ask yourself - IF I do remove Matt from there AMA....what happens to him then? How does MY life change? What does this mean for him? School? Work? What happens IF I don't get him disablity...because Dude got turned down twice now....and we're just gobsmacked about that, and he can't GET a job....how about driving? A car, insurance, gas...arguing, holes in the wall? Your neighbor - the arguing, his education, driving him to school, and on and on. It's a lot to weigh out with a 19 year old man.....and I say man because despite what you think about him in your head and heart - in HIS head and heart - he's a man. He's no longer a boy. Just something to consider. I hope something in all of this rambling helps you. It was hard for me too. really Really. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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