Responses like the ones Busy suggested sound like something I would respond to Wiz if he had pulled nonsense like this.
I am glad you are blocking her. I know this is hard for you and for husband.
I really think that you and husband need to sit down and figure out when you are going to tell her, flat out, that she will not live in your home again. That she is an adult and must face the fact that she must create her own life and accept that your home is no longer her home because she is an adult and not a child. I think you should do this iwth the director of the halfway house or a therapist around. You shoudl tell her this once, flat out, clear, no ifs, ands, or "in case x happens then we would maybe think about it"'s.
Untl you do that, and truly make it clear that you will NEVER change your mind, her main goal in life will be to return to your home. in my opinion it is her primary goal. She needs to deal with whatever is making her want to be treated like a child while enjoying adult privileges like doing what she wants and coming/going as she pleases. She may relapse when you tell her, but that is NOT your fault. It is because she has an unrealistic goal and doesn't want to give it up.
She is incredibly skilled at manipulating you. In your shoes I would probably go and get the car so that she has to live with the consequences of lying to you. Since she is clearly lying about the home, and her only goal is to move in with you in a few months, she clearly is NOT going to go and get a job (why bother if you are moving away in a couple of months and someone is paying for your food and shelter?). Of course she is lying, and at some point you need t stop being the patsy that supports her minimal efforts as she lies and cheats you. Her attempt to not get the rules/drug tests/etc... that she dang well KNEW she needed, was an attempt to have you support her while she partied and played and pretended to be sober. It was her attempt to steal from you, in my opinion.
Steal? How?? Well, you agreed to support her as she continued to get sober. You agreed to fork over your hard-earned $$ so that she didn't have to work to pay for rent or food but could focus her entire life on not using her substance(s) of choice. You paid for her to have rules, meetings, a program to follow, drug tests, and support. She moved in KNOWING that some people were renters and not in the program. She KNEW she needed to NOT be a renter. She KNEW that you expected her to have the rules, drug tests and full support of the halfway house program. While she may not have succeeded because you called the director to clarify things and find out if she was safe, she still stole from you for at least a day. She also abused the bottle of benadryl you paid for.
Yes, it is good that she came back clean. Yes, it is good that she went to a meeting. Those good things need to be remembered, but they do NOT overshadow the things that she did. Staying clean during one outing and going to a meeting do NOT excuse stealing from you, esp on the level she attempted to do it. It does NOT excuse the things she texted, or the things she told you or her act when she was with you.
I am NOT in your situation, and I understand that you have to make choices that you can live with and that your intuition tells you are right for your family in this situatuion. I do strongly suggest that you talk about this with your other daughter to get her perspective. She has seen her sister's actions and choices from a different perspective. You will likely not like all that she has to say, but I urge you to listen and try to understand and accept what she says. What would she recommend you do? What would you do if your other daughter did what your difficult child did today?
NOT that the same reaction no matter which girl acted that way is right, but thinking about how you would react if the other daughter acted the way difficult child did might give you some perspective that could be helpful.
I think your support of her needs to be scaled back, and that you, husband and a therapist or someone from her program, or maybe her sponsor? need to have a brutally frank discussion about this goal of moving home. She needs to be told in super clear terms that your home is no longer hers and she is not going to live with you again. It isn't fair to any of you to keep this issue going around. I am sure you think you have told her clearly. But I doubt you have been as brutally frank as this needs to be said. Not mean, just flat out "you will not ever live in our home again. It is not healthy for you to have that as a goal. You are an adult. You need to create a life and home for yourself. We will always be part of your lfie, we will always love you. But our home was your childhood home and you are not a child. You need your own adult home." Having a therapist/sponsor/halfway house director there will help to make sure seh understands and help her cope with her reaction to this.
It does her no favors to not be blunt on this issue, in my opinion. Making sure she has some support in her life as you tell her is a kindness, and a way to help her udnerstand. Hopefully after she gets over the upset of hearing this, she will be able to move forward into being the adult the world expects her to be.
I am so sorry she is working so hard to manipulate you. She is really good at it. That is one thing that maybe her sister can give you some perspective on - siblings often see this far more clearly than parents, in my experience.
