On MSN/SLATE this am....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by totoro, Feb 20, 2007.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    This was on MSN today to some advice columnist they have... I don't really know how I feel about it, I know I have talked to my Step-dad about my Mom, he did not know she was bipolar, but neither did she, she got much worse with him. But he stayed and tried to help her in his own feeble way.
    I guess I feel for both of them, I was completely up front with my husband about all of my issues from the start... maybe too honest!!!

    Dear Prudence,
    I was married a year and a half ago, after a probably too-brief courtship, to a woman who soon after the wedding was diagnosed as bipolar. I later discovered she had a previous history of mental illness that she had concealed from me. I feel as if I'm living with an emotional terrorist—I never know where or when the next bomb is going to go off. She is now on medication and things have gotten better, but better still isn't good. Intimacy, partnership, and equality are no longer real possibilities. We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year. Yes, we've tried counseling, and no, nothing improved. My wife is also financially irresponsible and routinely bounces checks. I discovered that she had tens of thousands of dollars in defaulted debt. I know that anyone reading this letter is going to say, "It's been less than two years, you were lied to, get out while you're still sane." But I feel tremendously guilty over the idea of abandoning someone who is mentally ill, and who in all likelihood could not survive on her own financially. Yet I also feel that I can't live the rest of my life trapped like this. I just need an impartial voice to tell me that if I end it, I'm not going to be condemned to hell for needing to move on in order to survive. If you're that voice, please speak up now. If you think I'm evading my responsibilities, please let me know.
    —Torn
    Dear Torn,
    You're not going to be condemned to hell—you're already there. Bipolar disorder is a terrible illness, though fortunately it can be treated and controlled. But your wife sounds as if she's a long way from stability, if she will ever get there. At the least, she was obligated to disclose her mental and financial history to you. She didn't, so your marriage began in deceit. You say your survival is at stake here, so the question is not staying or going—it's how you go while doing the least damage to a woman you cared for enough to marry. You should discuss with both a therapist and a lawyer your desire to help her make the transition back to being on her own. And while you're talking to that therapist, try to figure out how you entered into a marriage with a virtual stranger.
    —Prudie
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I know how I feel about it...and its not fit to print!

    How does one know this woman "concealed" her mental health history from him intentionally? Maybe she thought she was stable or she didnt know how bad it really was. I was never told I had a mental health history. I still dont know if I was ever diagnosed with anything. I find it hard to believe I could have been inpatient several times and not have been. But I was a teen and no one told me and I never thought about it.

    I ended up in the current relationship after ONE date. I never went home again. I literally moved in with him on our first date. I had major problems with impulse control and all the normal signs of bipolar but no one ever told us what they were so we muddled along until I was 38 and I read about the signs and finally got diagnosed and medicated. That was 17 years after I moved in with him. He sure didnt run away and leave me to flounder alone like this jerk wants to do to his wife. AND WE WERENT MARRIED! Sure we have kids together but we have never actually gotten married.

    Ugh...this guy makes me mad! Can you tell? LOL.
     
  3. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Well, I don't know how "gentle" Prudie is with her comments either. Obviously, she knows zero about mental illness, and this is surely not the scope of her expertise. She's telling the guy he's already in hell, and that MAYBE the wife SOMEDAY can be stable?

    Sounds to me like the guy just didn't love her to begin with.


    Yeah, I saw that this morning, too, but didn't mention it, because he sounds like a jacka** and so does Prudie.

    Janna
     
  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I would never suggest that someone 'abandon' a spouse/partner, but I wonder if she is willing to get further help, or is willing to do so. It's obvious that whatever she is doing now is not working, hence her husband's concerns. Maybe some medications adjustment? From what I understand, and I am in NO sense an expert on bipolar, but with proper treatment things can be quite good. I hope she's getting good treatment.

    I am most certainly living with a person who is bipolar/manic depressive. He refuses any kind of treatment (or evaluation), but I make a daily choice to go down that road. There are many times it's not an easy one, and I constantly question my choice of remaining here. It's a daily battle.

    I think if I knew back then what I know now, I may not have stayed. Sad to say, but if you refuse any kind of help, you leave the partner to think about things like this.

    As I said before, I hope she's getting proper help so her husband knows she is at least trying.

    2 cents

    Abbey
     
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