On the inside, lookin' in...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Loreelle005, Mar 10, 2016.

  1. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...

    Well, I need help. I want help.

    I am in a relationship with a man and his daughter is either using drugs or hanging with a 'man' who is. My man suspected her all along, as she was dreadfully skinny when she moved back home with her two little girls around Christmastime. Her babies are one and three years old. He tried to help Daughter get her feet on the ground - has paid car insurance, provided shelter and food, and paid for her cell phone. His ex-wife recently paid for her car to be repaired - this is the fourth time a car came from him (even though his ex-wife paid for repairs, the car was given to her once before). He and I went on a little mini-vacation last weekend. He works seven days a week, so a little break was in order. He did not want to trust her, but he did. Stunningly, she stole a valuable tool from his home, from a cabinet in the basement, and pawned it. She texted his ex-wife and told her she has it, but we have not seen it yet.

    I have three grown children of my own, all living independently and holding their own. This is all new to me. I love this man and I care very much for his daughter and her children. Unfortunately, I am the "rose-colored-glasses-give-them-inches-always-forgive" kind of person. Daughter of my love has proven me wrong a few times. Being in his life for only two years, I have not been around for the hard things...until now.

    I do not know where to start. I believe he should find a place like Al-Anon or something, but he may be too set in his ways. His sister-in-law works in psychology and she has basically turned him off the the thought of seeking "that kind of help", and he has tragedies in his past that forced him into counseling that he found useless.

    Any and all feedback, thoughts, prayers (of course), threads of hope...somebody somewhere help me? I want to do the best thing, offer the best shoulder, find a solution.

    Right now, I am so worried for the little ones, but have NO CLUE where Daughter and these two babies are. My heart aches, I am torn between stepping aside and only taking a support role and DOING SOMETHING. I am not afraid to do something, but it dam#@d well better be the RIGHT thing.

    help? i'm drowning here...
     
  2. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...

    P.S. I have no desire to be a hero here. My greatest grief is for those babies. After that, Daughter. And of course, I care about the man I am in love with. I maintain my own residence, though I do stay with him at times. (if any of this is pertinent)
    :(
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Unfortunate situation but nobody can predict if this will resolve or stay the same. Both parents are enabling her behavior so it is unlikely to improve. As this mans girlfriend only, you really cant do anything to help. Sounds like a mess. One of my kids used drigs. Sounds like she is too. Nobody can stop her but herself. Been there.

    From one outsiders opinion, you may want to think hard about how much you want to get involved in this dysfunction. Do your own kids have to see this on holidays? Are you up for thus chaos for possibly the rest ofyour life? Drug users steal. What if she steals from you or one of your kids? She must know drug dealers. That puts you all in danger.

    The love feeling can get us to tolerate many things we never dreamed wed tolerate. But even when one loves (l love my husband of twenty years very much)... the honeymoon infatuation does wear off and we are left with the person we fell in love with. If he has serious baggage and a necessity to keep in touch with ex, we have all that too.
    Im more concerned about you than his daughter. She sounds like she is still getting alot of attention and money from dad and that she may even live with hi. I dont want you hurt. He is going to.put his daughter before you most likely. There is nothing you can do. You have no role in this. All you can do is watch and feel bad. I dont know you, but I still want better for you
    You sound really.caring. Before you commit to this life, maybe seek therapy. This is like loving a man who lives in a minefield. You have decide if you want to join his war.
    Hugs and warm thoughts.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 10, 2016
  4. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...

    You know? I felt so SO guilty this morning thinking about what might need to happen. I visualized the little ones coming to live with my person. I visualized him going out with his friends and trying to leave me "home" with the babies. I shuddered and looked up into the dark morning sky and asked, "What do YOU want me to do? I don't think I can do this. I would go to the ends of the earth to help him, IF I knew where his heart is. Things he thinks are innocent and harmless break my heart. I love him, but not like I have loved in the past. I do not feel completely committed because I know he is not.

    Your words make me feel like I am waking up. I honestly felt he kept putting up with her and her shenannigans to keep from asking me to move in.

    I will follow my heart and listen to my mind. ugh.

    Have you ever seen a discussion on "An Empath and a Narcissist"? yeah, that's us. :(

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words are kind and wise. <3
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Haha. Empath here :)

    Why do we fall for narcissists anyway?

    You deserve a good life. His life is a mess. I hope you dont let him drag you down with him.

    Big hugs:)
     
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  6. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I agree with this sentiment. Both parents are enabling their daughter, and since there are grandbabies involved, it would be difficult for them to stop. Even you, yourself, feel so much compassion for them. However, once you've been burned a couple of times (and it will happen), how will you feel then?

    I feel like this would be a never ending rollercoaster ride. You would be the passenger and wouldn't be able to do anything to stop it. Is that something you are willing to accept?

    The only way I could see this working is if you were willing to sit back, watch the show and stay out of it. But, is that even possible?

    I wish I could give you more strands of hope. I, myself, decided to accept the rollercoaster ride and married my husband one year, eight months and five days ago. It's been a daily struggle and there is no light at the end of this tunnel...yet.
     
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  7. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...

    Ugh. These truths are hard, but you know what? I am not even secure in the "relationship". I could type for HOURS on the sketchy things that go on, but it would most likely not surprise either of you. You feel your words are not help? You ARE help. You ARE experience and truth and sometimes that is hard, but the BEST. For that, I thank you both.

    As for what I am willing to do? I never wanted to be a 'quitter' or someone who would abandon a loved one when they are down, but when I face the reality (realities), I am not much more than a glorified maid. I know better than to believe I can rescue EITHER of them. And yet, my heart breaks.

    His issues would fill a thread of their own alone, but I KNOW there are those in this life that have had the traumas he has had and are not addicted.

    Incidentally, the biological mother of this troubled Daughter was murdered many years ago - Daughter says she does not recall her mother at all. The only positive person (supposedly) in her life is the ex-wife (my man's only wife. He never married Daughter's bio mom.) And that marriage lasted about ten years. Now, that is the 'ex' who continues to remain involved (read "enabler"), even though she is re-married and HER kiddos are grown and doing well.

    My three - I would NEVER EVER expose them to this train-wreck. We do not have mutual family times at all...probably never will. That alone speaks volumes. Why am I still THERE?!?!?!?!?

    crazy.

    I thank you with all of my giant bleeding heart. Your words mean more to me than any flowery unrealistic response. It is reality and you very well may be sparing me from a great demise. This must NEVER come between me and my own babies (I have three adult kids and three amazing grands!!!)

    hugs, giant hugs from here.
     
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  8. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...


    GREAT question - if I EVER find the answer, I may have the full and meaningful life I was intended to have. ugh lol
     
  9. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...

    GADS I LOVE this. Thank you once more, gads. just wow. <3
     
  10. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Oh my heart, Loreelle, these are your words. Why would you put yourself through this? You deserve so much more. You sound like a kind and loving person. You deserve someone who will treat you just as well as you treat them.

    This right here is everything! It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your children and your grandbabies. I feel the sunshine and your strength right here. This is what I would want to be focusing if I were in your shoes.

    Much love and hugs to you.
     
  11. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...

    I feel like I just met my new best friend. I am honestly crying...and I don't know if it's joy over the blessings of my own life or relief that I do not have to save either of them, the man I am 'with' or his daughter. You have a gift...I feel like I'm standing in a warm sunbeam on a winter day...bless you!!!!
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    There are more fish in the sea! This sounds like a bad situation all the way around to get yourself and your great family into.

    Good luck!
     
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  13. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...

    Thank you for taking the time to say encouraging words, it means more than you know. I should know better and should HONESTLY have stayed gone when I left the first time. :(

    And he just texted me to say Daughter is going to be there after work and would I please come "keep him off of her". goodgrief. punch me in the face right now, it would make more sense.
     
  14. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Be happy you have your own home. It is your sanctuary. You don't need all the drama and anxiety. I believe God has a plan for all of us. Be patient and your true love will come into you life.. (((Hugs)))
     
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  15. Loreelle005

    Loreelle005 "...but I'm thinking it over...anyway...

    Thank you, Okie Girl! Your words soothe my soul. <3
     
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