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Parent Emeritus
On the verge of a nervous breakdown
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 457875"><p>Ally - I have totally been where you are. It is absolutely heartbreaking to kick a son out of the house but sometimes it is what needs to be done. One of the things I realized is that the lessons my son was learning by being allowed to stay in the home while flagrantly violating all our rules was not a good one. You can not get by in life by breaking all the rules!! Society doesn't work that way. And he had to learn that the hard way, which was you get arrested if you break the law.... and the court system might be lenient for awhile but after a while they get tough and throw you in jail! My sons bravado I don't care attitude changed after spending 2 weeks in jail. He discovered he really hates jail!!! My son went to rehab.... came out relapsed and really screwed up some more.... and now he has discovered he really doesn't like being homeless either!!! So he found himself a sober house and is living there (since Tuesday anyway). </p><p></p><p>And you can still be a mom, love him, and help him when he wants to help himself. So we are paying the rent (temporarily) at the sober house, we have gotten him a lawyer for the latest arrest etc. I do let him know we love him and I have bought him food or taken him out for a meal. However we will not do anything that we think he could use for drugs.... so we do not give him cash, I am not helping buy a car etc.</p><p></p><p>My son pretty much hated me when we first kicked him out but i just kept letting him know I love him, and we kept being there for him when he got in trouble and so now when he is in trouble he calls us. I can't say we have the relationship I want right now but i don't think that is possible until he is really functioning as a responsible member of society and feels good about himself. That is his journey. I have done all I can and my only goal right now is to keep the door open to a future relationship. There is no way at this point after all that has happened that he can come back and live at home. That is way too hard on my daughter and for that matter us.</p><p></p><p>Hope this helps.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 457875"] Ally - I have totally been where you are. It is absolutely heartbreaking to kick a son out of the house but sometimes it is what needs to be done. One of the things I realized is that the lessons my son was learning by being allowed to stay in the home while flagrantly violating all our rules was not a good one. You can not get by in life by breaking all the rules!! Society doesn't work that way. And he had to learn that the hard way, which was you get arrested if you break the law.... and the court system might be lenient for awhile but after a while they get tough and throw you in jail! My sons bravado I don't care attitude changed after spending 2 weeks in jail. He discovered he really hates jail!!! My son went to rehab.... came out relapsed and really screwed up some more.... and now he has discovered he really doesn't like being homeless either!!! So he found himself a sober house and is living there (since Tuesday anyway). And you can still be a mom, love him, and help him when he wants to help himself. So we are paying the rent (temporarily) at the sober house, we have gotten him a lawyer for the latest arrest etc. I do let him know we love him and I have bought him food or taken him out for a meal. However we will not do anything that we think he could use for drugs.... so we do not give him cash, I am not helping buy a car etc. My son pretty much hated me when we first kicked him out but i just kept letting him know I love him, and we kept being there for him when he got in trouble and so now when he is in trouble he calls us. I can't say we have the relationship I want right now but i don't think that is possible until he is really functioning as a responsible member of society and feels good about himself. That is his journey. I have done all I can and my only goal right now is to keep the door open to a future relationship. There is no way at this point after all that has happened that he can come back and live at home. That is way too hard on my daughter and for that matter us. Hope this helps. TL [/QUOTE]
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