Once Again - All Mom's Fault (Just Shoot Me Now!)

[DammitJanet]

Maybe you should remind this person that teachers are forbidden to hold a child back these days or to give them zero's on quizzes anymore. It hurts their lil self esteem.

And I hate to tell that professional but we did do everything she is recommending for Cory and it didnt work. We worked on both school work and behaviors all along and look where it got us. He is a smart kid who didnt graduate HS but has a felony record. Oh joy! And I can guarantee that we had many more people working with him than your difficult child has had. If it takes a village, Cory had a small town.

 

[DaisyFace]

Great, great. OK. I can see it now, you're wrong because you can't MAKE the teachers have severe consequences for poor grades.

Oh, and... Consequences don't work too well on our difficult children... UGH!!!

Exactly!

BUT - I was told that if the teachers would not agree to that....then I need to involve the principal.
And if the principal won't force the teachers to change their lax ways...then I need to go to the superintendent...

And on up the chain until the teachers are forced to hold my child to a higher standard than the other students.

And THEN...my child would receiving failing grades for failing work...

and THEN my child will "see the light" and become an A and B student.


And as the parent - this is MY responsibility...and if I don't do this - then I have failed my child and ruined her life. (And yes - the therapist DID use catastrophic words.)

 

[DaisyFace]

Maybe you should remind this person that teachers are forbidden to hold a child back these days or to give them zero's on quizzes anymore. It hurts their lil self esteem.

Don't even get me started...

 

[InsaneCdn]

DF -
This person needs to document the things you need to do - in writing.
Then, you take this doctor, directly to the principal - or however high up you need to go to get a working relationship.

Let that person know that you are well aware that this is completely ridiculous, but that you need their help in proving this to the so-called MH professional...

I've found that while schools can be totally PITA about their own problems, there are people around the school system who would be more than glad to kick somebody else's backside...

 

[buddy]

Exactly!

BUT - I was told that if the teachers would not agree to that....then I need to involve the principal.
And if the principal won't force the teachers to change their lax ways...then I need to go to the superintendent...

And on up the chain until the teachers are forced to hold my child to a higher standard than the other students.

And THEN...my child would receiving failing grades for failing work...

and THEN my child will "see the light" and become an A and B student.


And as the parent - this is MY responsibility...and if I don't do this - then I have failed my child and ruined her life. (And yes - the therapist DID use catastrophic words.)

Would love for this person to see what we all think of her/him. Now that you are away from it, I hope it almost becomes laughable to you. It is so far beyond a reasonable thing to say.

 

[cubsgirl]

My mouth hurts from my jaw dropping to the floor.

That is just ridiculous. It seems like everyone is just letting difficult child sail through because they don't want to spend more money to get her the INTENSIVE help that she needs and has nothing to do with you and your consequences.

 

[KTMom91]

This just boggles the mind, DF.

 

[TerryJ2]

I think you hit the nail on the head:
I am just so angry that the county therapist seems determined to document that ALL of difficult children current problems can be blamed solely on parenting. I am suspicious that is their version of CYA. After all, there is no need to refer a child to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) if it is merely learned behaviors due to poor parenting. No liability there.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hmmm ... that's a thought ...

Let that person know that you are well aware that this is completely ridiculous, but that you need their help in proving this to the so-called MH professional...

I've found that while schools can be totally PITA about their own problems, there are people around the school system who would be more than glad to kick somebody else's backside...

 

[InsaneCdn]

DF -

This still bugs me.
So, the search engine keeos running in my brain.

Alternative possibility...
Maybe your difficult child has these "professionals" all figured out, knows exactly what buttons to push to get THEM to do what SHE wants... and is so good at it that the "professionals" don't even know they're being led down the garden path?

At this point, I have no idea who you could raise that point with, if it even fits at all. But... I don't know. There has to be some explanation beyond a string of "dumb" professionals.

 

[AnnieO]

IC...

It's not that the professionals are necessarily dumb...

It's that difficult child (like Onyxx) is so very, very very very good at manipulation.

 

[InsaneCdn]

That's what I'm trying to say. (its late and I'm up to my eyeballs...)

That's why I put the "dumb" in quotes.
Sure, they look/sound that way from remote observation, but...

Maybe, it really isn't as much the quality of the resources they have been given, as the extreme characteristics of difficult child.

So, how do you clue these professionals in to the fact that they are being "had"?

 

[susiestar]

I understand why you can't go to school with what I dared. It WOULD be riotously funny, in my opinion, and if you took it to the sped teacher that Wiz had n 5th grade she would TOTALLY understand how stupid it is and how frustrating and ALL of it. I really wish you could have her to work with. I wish we could ALL have her to teach our kids.

Definitely get the school involved. I am SURE that at many times difficult child has manipulated to make things look like she is the poor abused innocent who is picked on and nobody loved. THAT is EASY. The problem is that the professionals ARE this stupid and inexperienced. I have seen therapists in grad school and some with thirty years of experience and had they ALL be totally SURE that EVERY problem a child could have is CAUSED by the parents and can be easily fixed if the parents just parent properly. Finding one who was willing to look past that and really SEE what was going on was HARD.

 

[pajamas]

Nothing really to add, you all are saying it so well ...

Just reminds me of our initial consultation with a highly regarded therapist in our community, who told us that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) was too rare a diagnosis to be the real problem (for a child that came to us as a 22 lb. three-year-old in a neck brace - with a 5 lb. brother? I don't think so). He would teach us to resolve our problems through a proven process of well run family meetings. No individual counseling needed.

Yeah, right ... we walked.

 

[DaisyFace]

IC--

Part of the problem is that we are stuck with limited choices due to Medicaid....all of these "specialists" are government employees being paid less than their private-sector counterparts. So we have been dealing with County Mental Health (where we are on our third psychiatrist and our fourth therapist) and State Services (where we are soon going to be assigned our fourth caseworker). One "expert" is just as incompetent as the next...

I think if we could get outside the system, we might have a chance of finding someone who could truly help - but if difficult child is not willing to cooperate? I'm not sure they would be able to accomplish a whole lot more...

 

[InsaneCdn]

I understand... we went through something similar. Until the bottom dropped out from under us, nobody really believed there was a problem. Even then... we had to use insider-contacts and other means to even get testing done.

But... things got "bad enough" and "fast enough" that it got the school's attention... and they backed us on the seriousness.

Unless you can get ONE party somewhere to see it, you're just locked in a room with a 100 doors that don't open.

On whether or not it makes a difference whether the difficult child wants to cooperate or not... it really depends on what the "real" problem is. And you don't know that - just like we didn't know. If someone outside the system could crack the case enough to be able to give an accurate diagnosis, it should then be possible to get at least a prognosis. Right now... there's nothing to go on and nowhere to go.

{{hugs}}

 

[skeeter]

sorry - I haven't read all the comments so forgive me if I'm repeating.

I'd be tempted to say "ok, I screwed up. Unfortunately, no one has invented a time machine and I can't go back and change the past. So what is YOUR plan to move forward from here?" Turn the ownership back onto the professional. That is what they are there to do.