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General Parenting
Once again, bio Dad derails difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="mattsmom27" data-source="post: 57126" data-attributes="member: 50"><p>Your Matt's dad sounds like MY matt's dad, to a tee. In and out on a whim, broken promises leaving behind a broken child's spirit, twisted reality dished out by dad to make mom look like the bad guy, unpaid support, blah blah blah. I completely understand, right down to the not pursuing support issues as to not create more anger from difficult child directed to you. It is a real sin that parents can do this to their children, and to the other parent.</p><p>I put up with this crap for years. I did not badmouth difficult child's father to him. difficult child had him a pedestal, when he wasn't hating him for letting him down again. difficult child's head was filled with all kinds of lies, and if I tried to fill in the truth for difficult child, it would have created more confusion for difficult child because his father wouldn't have come off in a good light. So I kept my mouth shut. It helped that difficult child moved in with his father 2 years ago. It lasted under 3 months, and that period was horrible for difficult child. He had a wake up call about his father and his inability to BE any kind of father. My Matt is now 14 years old and I am honest about his father. I have answered questions from difficult child about the past and not lied about his father. I do say, even when difficult child won't believe it, that I truly believe his father "loves" him, but I just really believe there are some people who are not cut out to be parents to any degree, and sadly, difficult child's father is one of them. I also assure him that based on that, he is allowed to love his father even if he doesn't like him. And he doesn't have to accept a relationship he doesnt' want to tolerate if it isn't consistent or loving or parent like. He has chosen zero contact. difficult child believes this is HIS idea, which helps him mentally. In reality, his father has made zero effort to contact difficult child anyhow. </p><p>Meanwhile, the support backs up, again. difficult child is at this point telling me to have his father jailed if his father won't live up to even ONE parenting responsability. I haven't bothered because it could bring so much garbage to my door and personally, wether the $$$ would help or not (and it would), I made a decision that the money has never been and never will be worth dragging this man into our lives. So I understand your concerns on that too.</p><p>I sometimes think about him "getting away with not paying support". It burns my <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />, and I'm very proud of men who pay to contribute to their childrens lives financially. I hate that this man not only walks away from a loving boy in need of a good male role model, but also won't pay a red cent to help this childs needs be met. But more than caring about what he does or doesn't get away with, the decision to walk away and disregard support arrears completely came because I matter more than difficult child's dad "getting away with something". I don't need harassing screaming phone calls, threats, court drama, difficult child being messed with emotionally again etc etc. I have never and will never fight over money with this deadbeat.</p><p>Please hang in there, and honestly, I believe that at age 16 it is TIME for you and your son to have open honest dialogue about difficult child's father, his past involvements or let downs, treatment toyou, even clarifying lies difficult child has been told, by his father against you, and maybe any you told to protect difficult child (making his dad seem "not so bad", many of us do this so you may have too). It isn't a matter of turning your difficult child against his own father, but it is about helping your difficult child turn into an adult with true knowledge of who is father really is, and the fact that you are still there for him and always will be. </p><p>Good luck!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mattsmom27, post: 57126, member: 50"] Your Matt's dad sounds like MY matt's dad, to a tee. In and out on a whim, broken promises leaving behind a broken child's spirit, twisted reality dished out by dad to make mom look like the bad guy, unpaid support, blah blah blah. I completely understand, right down to the not pursuing support issues as to not create more anger from difficult child directed to you. It is a real sin that parents can do this to their children, and to the other parent. I put up with this crap for years. I did not badmouth difficult child's father to him. difficult child had him a pedestal, when he wasn't hating him for letting him down again. difficult child's head was filled with all kinds of lies, and if I tried to fill in the truth for difficult child, it would have created more confusion for difficult child because his father wouldn't have come off in a good light. So I kept my mouth shut. It helped that difficult child moved in with his father 2 years ago. It lasted under 3 months, and that period was horrible for difficult child. He had a wake up call about his father and his inability to BE any kind of father. My Matt is now 14 years old and I am honest about his father. I have answered questions from difficult child about the past and not lied about his father. I do say, even when difficult child won't believe it, that I truly believe his father "loves" him, but I just really believe there are some people who are not cut out to be parents to any degree, and sadly, difficult child's father is one of them. I also assure him that based on that, he is allowed to love his father even if he doesn't like him. And he doesn't have to accept a relationship he doesnt' want to tolerate if it isn't consistent or loving or parent like. He has chosen zero contact. difficult child believes this is HIS idea, which helps him mentally. In reality, his father has made zero effort to contact difficult child anyhow. Meanwhile, the support backs up, again. difficult child is at this point telling me to have his father jailed if his father won't live up to even ONE parenting responsability. I haven't bothered because it could bring so much garbage to my door and personally, wether the $$$ would help or not (and it would), I made a decision that the money has never been and never will be worth dragging this man into our lives. So I understand your concerns on that too. I sometimes think about him "getting away with not paying support". It burns my :censored:, and I'm very proud of men who pay to contribute to their childrens lives financially. I hate that this man not only walks away from a loving boy in need of a good male role model, but also won't pay a red cent to help this childs needs be met. But more than caring about what he does or doesn't get away with, the decision to walk away and disregard support arrears completely came because I matter more than difficult child's dad "getting away with something". I don't need harassing screaming phone calls, threats, court drama, difficult child being messed with emotionally again etc etc. I have never and will never fight over money with this deadbeat. Please hang in there, and honestly, I believe that at age 16 it is TIME for you and your son to have open honest dialogue about difficult child's father, his past involvements or let downs, treatment toyou, even clarifying lies difficult child has been told, by his father against you, and maybe any you told to protect difficult child (making his dad seem "not so bad", many of us do this so you may have too). It isn't a matter of turning your difficult child against his own father, but it is about helping your difficult child turn into an adult with true knowledge of who is father really is, and the fact that you are still there for him and always will be. Good luck! [/QUOTE]
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