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<blockquote data-quote="DazedandConfused" data-source="post: 735343" data-attributes="member: 831"><p>First, I'm so very grateful to everyone that took the time to respond to my post. I was feeling so very low when I wrote that. </p><p></p><p>So much wisdom here. I knew there would be. This place is why I have a modicum of sanity after weathering so many stormy years of raising difficult children. Daughter drove me here on my hands and knees when she was 12.</p><p></p><p>12?! She's 27 now! After I wrote that post, it occurred to me that I needed to let her know how happy I am that we are rebuilding our relationship and that I loved her. I've worn thick emotional armor for many, many years. It wasn't easy to do that. In the past, she's been vocal about not needing or wanting my love. She tearfully apologized for all those times she said (yelled) that to me. I eventually heard back from her and she expressed how much she needed that after a very stressful work day. She still struggles with depression and anxiety, but is happy to have her own little place where she can have some peace after a long work day.</p><p></p><p>Things are ok right now with Son. My mother, his grandmother, got wind of how bad it's been with him. She blew. They're close, but she let him have it and said she needed some time away from him. He came to me to discuss why I told his Grandma. Why did I "bring her into it?" I did because everything she does for him is something she does for me. She tries to get through to him when I'm banging my bloody head on the wall. She would want to know that the Son I know is not the Son she knows. </p><p></p><p>So, Son and I talked for a long while. It's wasn't easy. It never is talking to him. I listened a lot. I just let him go on and on. I did manage to get a few points across. He says I never say I'm proud. How can I when I'm under constant attack? I'm certainly not proud of that! He talks about how we have no relationship. Well, Son, whose fault is that?? I bring up some recent acts of kindness that I've done for him. No good deed goes unpunished when it comes to him. </p><p></p><p>Then,out of the blue, he asks me if he can tell me that he loves me. </p><p></p><p>Of course, you can. </p><p></p><p>He walks over to me to hug me. Then, he begins to sob, uncontrollably, for 10 minutes. Numerous anxieties and worries. Wailing, even. I try to comfort and listen. I'm his mom. </p><p></p><p>Oh, the crazy and maddening life I've had with this child. </p><p></p><p>When things settle down, I talk about some of the things we used to do when he was young. I wasn't always horrible like you insist. We remember one specific place that we used to enjoy going to during the summer to get out of the heat, be with nature, hike, and just enjoy the beauty of it all. Remember that, Son? (Like before you called the cops on me when I took your cell phone or when you got suspended for fighting three days before your 8th grade promotion so you were excluded or when you humiliated me by refusing to have a picture taken with me at your high school graduation?) </p><p></p><p>So, his birthday is only a couple of weeks away. Let's go back to that place, enjoy nature, and have dinner. Shall we bring Grandma? No, he says, let it just be us. Dad can come if he's not out of town.</p><p></p><p>Ok. I'm down with that. </p><p></p><p>Well, I'll see I suppose. I've been working, He's been working. I haven't seen much of him since that conversation. I'm generally knocked out in bed when he gets home.Does he need to be on his own? Yes. </p><p></p><p>Have I threatened? Yes. A lot. I just want peace and I want him to be polite. Why don't I just do it? Because I'm afraid of what will happen to him. He's vulnerable and we live in a tough town with a high crime rate. So, I back off. </p><p></p><p>Just so everyone knows, I AGREE that I have to live my own life despite of the choices my children make. I've like to believe I've done that. I went back to college in my 40s. My dream of earning a college degree realized. Since then, I've gotten my Masters and thinking about going back for a second. I love my very stressful job of being middle school educator. My spouse and I are going to Kauai in a few weeks. Flying first class too. What the heck? The leaky roof repair can wait, right?</p><p></p><p>From the bottom of my heart, thank.you!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DazedandConfused, post: 735343, member: 831"] First, I'm so very grateful to everyone that took the time to respond to my post. I was feeling so very low when I wrote that. So much wisdom here. I knew there would be. This place is why I have a modicum of sanity after weathering so many stormy years of raising difficult children. Daughter drove me here on my hands and knees when she was 12. 12?! She's 27 now! After I wrote that post, it occurred to me that I needed to let her know how happy I am that we are rebuilding our relationship and that I loved her. I've worn thick emotional armor for many, many years. It wasn't easy to do that. In the past, she's been vocal about not needing or wanting my love. She tearfully apologized for all those times she said (yelled) that to me. I eventually heard back from her and she expressed how much she needed that after a very stressful work day. She still struggles with depression and anxiety, but is happy to have her own little place where she can have some peace after a long work day. Things are ok right now with Son. My mother, his grandmother, got wind of how bad it's been with him. She blew. They're close, but she let him have it and said she needed some time away from him. He came to me to discuss why I told his Grandma. Why did I "bring her into it?" I did because everything she does for him is something she does for me. She tries to get through to him when I'm banging my bloody head on the wall. She would want to know that the Son I know is not the Son she knows. So, Son and I talked for a long while. It's wasn't easy. It never is talking to him. I listened a lot. I just let him go on and on. I did manage to get a few points across. He says I never say I'm proud. How can I when I'm under constant attack? I'm certainly not proud of that! He talks about how we have no relationship. Well, Son, whose fault is that?? I bring up some recent acts of kindness that I've done for him. No good deed goes unpunished when it comes to him. Then,out of the blue, he asks me if he can tell me that he loves me. Of course, you can. He walks over to me to hug me. Then, he begins to sob, uncontrollably, for 10 minutes. Numerous anxieties and worries. Wailing, even. I try to comfort and listen. I'm his mom. Oh, the crazy and maddening life I've had with this child. When things settle down, I talk about some of the things we used to do when he was young. I wasn't always horrible like you insist. We remember one specific place that we used to enjoy going to during the summer to get out of the heat, be with nature, hike, and just enjoy the beauty of it all. Remember that, Son? (Like before you called the cops on me when I took your cell phone or when you got suspended for fighting three days before your 8th grade promotion so you were excluded or when you humiliated me by refusing to have a picture taken with me at your high school graduation?) So, his birthday is only a couple of weeks away. Let's go back to that place, enjoy nature, and have dinner. Shall we bring Grandma? No, he says, let it just be us. Dad can come if he's not out of town. Ok. I'm down with that. Well, I'll see I suppose. I've been working, He's been working. I haven't seen much of him since that conversation. I'm generally knocked out in bed when he gets home.Does he need to be on his own? Yes. Have I threatened? Yes. A lot. I just want peace and I want him to be polite. Why don't I just do it? Because I'm afraid of what will happen to him. He's vulnerable and we live in a tough town with a high crime rate. So, I back off. Just so everyone knows, I AGREE that I have to live my own life despite of the choices my children make. I've like to believe I've done that. I went back to college in my 40s. My dream of earning a college degree realized. Since then, I've gotten my Masters and thinking about going back for a second. I love my very stressful job of being middle school educator. My spouse and I are going to Kauai in a few weeks. Flying first class too. What the heck? The leaky roof repair can wait, right? From the bottom of my heart, thank.you! [/QUOTE]
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