One step forward but I wanna smack difficult child in the head

[Nancy]

AG I wish we lived closer, I would give you a big hug. I know how you are feeling. Lately I have felt that it would be easier if difficult child were dead. That's a horribe thing to think about your own child but to sit and watch her live spiral dpown and project what is going to happen in the years ahead is just too much. With dead there is finality, now I just sit and wait in limbo.

I agree with your disease analogy. I know this is a disease but even with a disease you are expected to do the responsible thing. Relapse is one thing but total denial is something different, especially when you are denying just so you can continue using. Because if you deny that your addiction is a problem and then it goes on to cause problems in your life, the denial is just a lie, you just lie about the fact that you have a problem. I can deny the sky is blue all I want, it's still blue.

All I can tell you is that you have to find someway to let him fall apart on his own. I know it's soooooo hard to do because as his mom you want to protect him from making mistakes that will ruin the rest of his life. You ache for him. You worry about how he will live and how you will fix things for him and you don't want to think of him living on the street or going hungry. You want him to understand that life can be so much betteer than he is making it. And you want to be able to stop worrying and have peace in your life. And at some point all you want is for him to go away. That's what is so horrible about this drug/alcohol stuff. It totally ruins family relationship to the point that they may never be repaired.

I'm saying this not only for you but for muyself, we need to find peace within ourselves,accept that they don't want to live like we do. We are not responsible for their choices and we can't fix them. The only way I have foudn to make it any easier is time for that acceptance to sink in.

I am so sorry that you are traveling down this road with so many of us.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

I agree with your disease analogy. I know this is a disease but even with a disease you are expected to do the responsible thing.

This is actually what the triage nurse at the ER told difficult child during her last manipulative suicide attempt. She told difficult child that she needs to learn to take her medications and do the things that she needs to do to stay stable just like a diabetic needs to take their medications and control their diet if they want to keep their blood sugar level stable.

~Kathy

 

[InsaneCdn]

She told difficult child that she needs to learn to take her medications and do the things that she needs to do to stay stable just like a diabetic needs to take their medications and control their diet if they want to keep their blood sugar level stable.

True. But... do you have any idea how hard it is to get some diabetic teens to get that through their heads before they turn 25? It isn't just addictions and MH issues that are tough to get the "patient" on-board for... straight medical problems can be that way too.

 

[AmericanGirl]

I wish I could just leave it up to difficult child. But, do I refuse to pay to get his license back, to allow him to use the car and the pay for his temporary housing? If so, then he cannot attend the partial hospitalization program. He needs more treatment.

I think I have to do that. BUT, there are boundaries and limits. Such as: not going to see druggie friends, getting the center to email me once a week saying he has attended and hasn't failed any tests (because difficult child might pull back release and then no news is truly bad news from them), etc.

I understand about death versus this....wish I didn't...wish none of us did.

 

[AmericanGirl]

[It isn't just addictions and MH issues that are tough to get the "patient" on-board for... straight medical problems can be that way too.]

I agree but there are ways to help. Simply setting a cell phone alarm as a reminder of time to take medications...that leaves any excuse of forgetting off the table.

 

[InsaneCdn]

[It isn't just addictions and MH issues that are tough to get the "patient" on-board for... straight medical problems can be that way too.]

I agree but there are ways to help. Simply setting a cell phone alarm as a reminder of time to take medications...that leaves any excuse of forgetting off the table.

It isn't the "forgetting". There's LOTS of ways to handle that if you want to, I agree.

Its... not wanting to be different from your peer group. The fact that maybe you just need to change your peer group, tends to get lost on teens and young adults - or, they don't believe there IS another peer group that would accept them, "warts and all". So they end up self-sabotaging. (and we hate it, because we see what they are doing, and we know there are better options, and we don't get it that they don't get it... Know what I mean??)

 

[AmericanGirl]

It isn't the "forgetting". There's LOTS of ways to handle that if you want to, I agree.

Its... not wanting to be different from your peer group. The fact that maybe you just need to change your peer group, tends to get lost on teens and young adults - or, they don't believe there IS another peer group that would accept them, "warts and all". So they end up self-sabotaging. (and we hate it, because we see what they are doing, and we know there are better options, and we don't get it that they don't get it... Know what I mean??)

Completely understand....

 

[Signorina]

I get that addiction is a disease. However, it's the only disease where the complete cure lies within the patient. Not directed at IC, at a "frenemy" who maintains that an addict is like a cancer victim with no culpability. Funny thing is that every cancer patient I know will do (has done) everything they could to get well -HARD WORK. Every active user I know does nothing but deflect blame & whine.


And yes, I can't get my easy child 15 teen to clean his room or my pc17 to get his hair cut. So I get the struggles with ill teens. I have to be frank in that I know two 20yos with juvenile diabetes since age 2, both of whom have always treated their disease with seriousness & care. Same with my friend's 2 boys (13 &15) who have hemophilia. All 4 of these boys would sell their souls to be healthy. Makes me so mad at difficult child sometimes. I see what these 4 boys go thru to be well and my difficult child treats his well being with complete disdain. I raised my kid to count his blessings...

I accept that addicts are powerless over their addictions. On the other hand, they do hold all the power in the decision to get well. I realize that's not "politically correct" but it is what it is & how I feel.

Grrrrrr

 

[InsaneCdn]

an addict is like a cancer victim with no culpability.

I don't like the cancer analogy. It's totally comparing apples and oranges. Cancer is "acute", addiction is "chronic". Which is why I used the diabetic analogy - at least they are both chronic.
I know teens with diabetes who are doing everything possible "correctly"... and I know ones who fight against it tooth and nail. Ditto for kids with JRA. Some kids "get it", and some kids don't. Just like... some kids hit an addiction problem, we get them help, and they turn around. (yes, it does happen.)
I'd be interested to know what is different in the wiring between the two groups, across a variety of chronic conditions... why do some self-sabotage and some not?

 

[Tiredof33]

I have pondered the same question about the wiring. I know 2 high achieving adults, one was living on the streets and the other almost having her child taken away. Both were almost 40 when they finally 'got it' and did a complete turn around. Both have good jobs, one makes easily $200,000 a year, both started college very late, one has a BA and the other and AS.

I know them both extremely well, one from the day she was born. To see the lives they live now you would never believe
how they were living before.

The difference (and others) I see in my 2 children is that my daughter was embarrassed by the brush with the law and my son (along with his friends) saw it as bragging rights. I did not raise my son that way! My daughter rode a bus over and hour there and over an hour home for group counseling twice a week for a long time. My son thinks it is a waste of time. My daughter stopped seeing druggie friends not my son.

It is puzzling why one listens and the other will not. My son's life style would scare the hell out of me!

 

[InsaneCdn]

And it isn't JUST a male/female thing, either... I know young men on the "get it" list, and young women on the "don't get it" list...

Maybe somebody a 100 years from now will actually find some brain difference that can be accounted for - and adaptations made early so they don't have to go down that road? (nice dream... I'd rather it happened THIS year...)

 

[Tiredof33]

Insane, I agree gender is not the answer! The 2 I know the man was living on the streets, no contact with family, no friends. Using heavly and did not get his driver's license back until well into his 40's. The chances of this man having the life he has now is extremely low. He has 2 beautiful easy child's and he is a wonderful husband and father. He doesn't know what made him change either! he said suddenly he just wanted better, and not go to prison.

I love your dream!

 

[Signorina]

I cant imagine a kid with diabetes being non compliant. Mind boggling. I know 4 kids with it-2 of whom are close friends' sons. I've never known any of the 4 to be non compliant with eating, testing & medicating. My bff's son got an insulin pump at age 10 or so which made things very easy. My other friend's son plays sports ( b-ball & lacrosse), so he couldn't get a pump. Now it's purely anecdotal & of course I don't have a clear window into their lives. .. Especially the 2 whom are acquaintances...

But -IME- children's hospitals have very intensive & ongoing support (classes, groups , erc) for kids & their families. Also, I believe all 4 of the kids experienced medical crisis requiring hospitalization at one point; especially as they went thru puberty. I am guessing (truly guessing) that the trauma of the crisis was enough to make them WANT to be compliant - especially at that impressionable age? My kid doesn't see the link btwn his life issues & his lifestyle. A diabetic lives out the need to manage their diabetes well so they can live a normal life...

Just for conversations sake

 

[DaisyFace]

I cant imagine a kid with diabetes being non compliant. Mind boggling. I know 4 kids with it-2 of whom are close friends' sons. I've never known any of the 4 to be non compliant with eating, testing & medicating. My bff's son got an insulin pump at age 10 or so which made things very easy. My other friend's son plays sports ( b-ball & lacrosse), so he couldn't get a pump. Now it's purely anecdotal & of course I don't have a clear window into their lives. .. Especially the 2 whom are acquaintances...

But -IME- children's hospitals have very intensive & ongoing support (classes, groups , erc) for kids & their families. Also, I believe all 4 of the kids experienced medical crisis requiring hospitalization at one point; especially as they went thru puberty. I am guessing (truly guessing) that the trauma of the crisis was enough to make them WANT to be compliant - especially at that impressionable age? My kid doesn't see the link btwn his life issues & his lifestyle. A diabetic lives out the need to manage their diabetes well so they can live a normal life...

Just for conversations sake

Well, then let me introduce you to the "exception". We have a few difficult children in the family - one of whom developed Type 2 Diabetes in his late teens. TOTALLY non-compliant. Refused to listen to docs over the simplist thing. Felt the recommendations did not apply to him. Over the years he has been hospitalized many, many times...

Now in his 40s, he is missing several body parts, can barely see, must use a scooter to get around, and is developing heart issues....all due to un-controlled diabetes.

We are still hoping he will "get it" and start following doctor's orders - but so far, he's not convinced that he needs to change anything.

 

[AmericanGirl]

I have pondered the same question about the wiring. I know 2 high achieving adults, one was living on the streets and the other almost having her child taken away. Both were almost 40 when they finally 'got it' and did a complete turn around. Both have good jobs, one makes easily $200,000 a year, both started college very late, one has a BA and the other and AS.

difficult child reminds me so much of my brother.

He has a genius level IQ yet flunked out of 3 colleges. He didn't do anything with his life until he was 33. He decided to return to college - in 18 months he had finished a difficult degree program with a 4.0 GPA (He took a ton of CLEP and credit by exam classes.) He got an entry level job with a Fortune 500 company. Six years later, he was a Vice President.

He's a functioning alcoholic with little/no relationships with family and no friends. I guess his beer and cash are enough for him. But, if you met him, you would NEVER figure it out as he has wonderful social skills when he wants to use them.

Addictions have literally stolen my family from me.

 

[Signorina]

DF -I would guess the difference between a Non compliment, type 1 insulin dependent juvenile diabetic & a non compliant type 2 adult onset non compliant diabetic is that the type 1's wouldn't live long enough to make it (non compliance) a habit. Though I have heard of teenage girls shorting their insulin dosages to be thin. Scary.

The kids I referenced in my post were Type 1 from very young childhood. In fact, bff's son was only 2 when diagnosis'd. And poor BFF had a 1 year old and her h was a difficult child about to enter rehab and he had just lost HER house (left to her by her mom who died 2 years earlier) to bankruptcy.

Which also illustrates the craziness of addiction. She faced all this adversity and met it head on -coming out stronger and with grace. Her h faced it with tequila & cocaine. Same situation, both parents of these sweet babies & two totally different reactions.

(they managed to stay together for 15 more years. they got divorced 2 years ago -and she just got remarried to a great guy on NYE. Hoping she gets her happy ever after)

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sig... trouble with non-compliant type-1s is that they DON'T take the insulin... which in the longer term is suicidal, but doesn't have immediate impact. And the lack of immediate impact means... they don't get it (these GFGish ones). Insulin without food = diabetic coma... no, they don't get away with that very often.