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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 332726" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Robinboots, I wasn't having a go at you. Merely giving you an alternative viewpoint with the proviso - my kids may be different.</p><p></p><p>As I said, my kids may be VERY different to yours. Perhaps that is why the way I do things works for me. I can't say if it would work for you. All I can do is share it with you.</p><p></p><p>We gave difficult child 1 limited access to his bank accounts but then - we could trust him to a certain extent. He wasn't constantly trying to think up ways to get money out of the system we set up for him; he realised it was HIS money, there was a limit to the supply. But also at some level, he kept forgetting that there was a limit and the few times he got access to his card before the transfers happened, he drained his account. Nasty. He just didn't think beyond the moment. </p><p></p><p>However, we were able to set up his bank accounts so all his money was paid directly into his bank account (and he was not given cheques - he would have quickly learned how to cash them and blown the dough) and for the few days between pay day and the automated transfers we set up - WE had custody of his debit card. The transfers were taking money from his accessible account (where all his money went to begin with) into the locked away savings account that needed two signatures.</p><p></p><p>We had to have custody of his card for three days every fortnight. We had our computer set to remind us to ask him for the card. "I've lost it" would not wash. We set his little sister to watch him and would have probably made him stay home from school </p><p>(which in no way was a good thing, not the way I made him work instead) plus grounded him for the three days I needed.</p><p></p><p>Maybe the difference here for me - difficult child 1 was motivated to do the right thing most of the time. He really did not want to empty out his account and then cop the fees. However, when there were problems which incurred fees, I was able to approach the bank and get the fees reimbursed because in Australia, people in receipt of disability are supposed to have fee-free accounts. I had been frank with the bank in setting up all these safety catches so they knew what we were trying to do; they had no excuse if they fouled up.</p><p></p><p>What this meant was that over the two weeks between payments, difficult child 1 had access to about $50 in total. He could withdraw it all and blow the lot, or he could manage it better. If there was a special event (such as the annual convention he liked to go to) I would go with him to let him withdraw some money from his savings account. But as a rule, if the money was gone in the first week, that was too bad. He had to manage. And it was this that taught him how to manage his money. He's still not brilliant, but he's vastly better than he was, and although it was us putting the safety catches in place, it made it easier for him to learn faster how to manage.</p><p></p><p>Back to your son - I find it interesting that you noted that all your son's wiper blades needed was a repair. Well spotted. Is that what he did? Or did he blow someone's dough on a new set? Was he not thinking about an alternative way to handle the situation? Or was he wanting new stuff because he doesn't like having something imperfect on his car?</p><p></p><p>I might have bought him the wiper blades - but as you did, I would have looked at the old ones first (with him) and been glad of a free repair opportunity. No way would I have helped him buy the wiper blades if they weren't needed. He'd have to make a darn good case for me, and from the sound of it - there was no case.</p><p></p><p>I would have been possibly more lenient with my kids, if I knew it wasn't just "I gotta have it NOW!" but "This is a safety issue, it's really important," plus I could trust them to not abuse the special circumstances. If your son was likely to abuse any leniency, plus especially since you discovered it wasn't needed anyway - then you clearly did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>What we've had to deal with in our household, is autism. Primarily. A lot of impulse control, but also a strong need to recognise the anxiety speaking (and not react back to the apparent insolence - we get a lot of it sometimes still, from difficult child 3). Also a strong need to be clear, precise, calm and firm in our responses.</p><p></p><p>You've given me some interesting new information. He went to his room and slept? OK, so he wasn't as heightened as he seemed. Or his outburst exhausted him - that can happen.</p><p></p><p>Have you asked him how he DID handle it? Have you replayed it with him and told him where he went wrong? Or would that set him off again? (I quite understand not wanting to do that!)</p><p></p><p>What you had, and what you did, was a teaching moment whether you made it one or not. It's called Life. He asked, you said no. He (hopefully) should have learned, just a little bit more.</p><p></p><p>I think you may have misunderstood me in my attitude to apparent rudeness. I don't accept it. I just avoid giving back to any extent what the kid gave me. I've heard too many parents respond with anger and loud voices saying, "WHAT did you just say? Well it will be a cold day in purgatory, boyo, before I give you anything, if that is going to be your attitude!"</p><p>I have found that if things get to this stage in our family, we've already lost. Because what has happened is the topic gets shifted from the first issue, "Mum, I want X" to one of dealing with disrespect. The first issue is still in the kid's head and they won't make the shift easily to "Oops, I just spoke disrespectfully to Mum, now THAT was a mistake." It means I could be ranting about disrespect, but my kid is not on the same page. Anything I say about timing and disrespect will be utterly wasted. The kid will be thinking, "Mum is trying to change the subject - she's doing this on purpose because she is trying to get out of giving me what I want." End result - screaming match with nothing achieved, both of us feeling resentful and even bigger barriers between us.</p><p></p><p>If I can, I will say, "I am busy at the moment. I will be available for you in five minutes." I do try to give my kids time though, if only because once I've got them dealt with, I can get back to what I was doing and be more likely to have no interruptions. If what I get up to deal with is really trivial, THEN I will say, "You interrupted me for THIS? It could have waited."</p><p></p><p>I emphasise - I strongly recommend against any parent making themselves a doormat for their kids. It's not doing them any favours. But I won't ask for an apology while my kid is raging. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Exactly. But I will tell my kids what I'm doing and why. Maybe because what I'm dealing with in my kids is different, and this is what works - for me. If it makes no difference with your kids - that's good. It means you are doing what works - for you. And what more can anyone do?</p><p></p><p>What is important to a kid, is often trivial in our eyes. it can be trivial in their eyes at a different time. (very frustrating!)</p><p></p><p>I hope this was just a temporary blip in how things are going, and he gets back to better behaviour again for you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 332726, member: 1991"] Robinboots, I wasn't having a go at you. Merely giving you an alternative viewpoint with the proviso - my kids may be different. As I said, my kids may be VERY different to yours. Perhaps that is why the way I do things works for me. I can't say if it would work for you. All I can do is share it with you. We gave difficult child 1 limited access to his bank accounts but then - we could trust him to a certain extent. He wasn't constantly trying to think up ways to get money out of the system we set up for him; he realised it was HIS money, there was a limit to the supply. But also at some level, he kept forgetting that there was a limit and the few times he got access to his card before the transfers happened, he drained his account. Nasty. He just didn't think beyond the moment. However, we were able to set up his bank accounts so all his money was paid directly into his bank account (and he was not given cheques - he would have quickly learned how to cash them and blown the dough) and for the few days between pay day and the automated transfers we set up - WE had custody of his debit card. The transfers were taking money from his accessible account (where all his money went to begin with) into the locked away savings account that needed two signatures. We had to have custody of his card for three days every fortnight. We had our computer set to remind us to ask him for the card. "I've lost it" would not wash. We set his little sister to watch him and would have probably made him stay home from school (which in no way was a good thing, not the way I made him work instead) plus grounded him for the three days I needed. Maybe the difference here for me - difficult child 1 was motivated to do the right thing most of the time. He really did not want to empty out his account and then cop the fees. However, when there were problems which incurred fees, I was able to approach the bank and get the fees reimbursed because in Australia, people in receipt of disability are supposed to have fee-free accounts. I had been frank with the bank in setting up all these safety catches so they knew what we were trying to do; they had no excuse if they fouled up. What this meant was that over the two weeks between payments, difficult child 1 had access to about $50 in total. He could withdraw it all and blow the lot, or he could manage it better. If there was a special event (such as the annual convention he liked to go to) I would go with him to let him withdraw some money from his savings account. But as a rule, if the money was gone in the first week, that was too bad. He had to manage. And it was this that taught him how to manage his money. He's still not brilliant, but he's vastly better than he was, and although it was us putting the safety catches in place, it made it easier for him to learn faster how to manage. Back to your son - I find it interesting that you noted that all your son's wiper blades needed was a repair. Well spotted. Is that what he did? Or did he blow someone's dough on a new set? Was he not thinking about an alternative way to handle the situation? Or was he wanting new stuff because he doesn't like having something imperfect on his car? I might have bought him the wiper blades - but as you did, I would have looked at the old ones first (with him) and been glad of a free repair opportunity. No way would I have helped him buy the wiper blades if they weren't needed. He'd have to make a darn good case for me, and from the sound of it - there was no case. I would have been possibly more lenient with my kids, if I knew it wasn't just "I gotta have it NOW!" but "This is a safety issue, it's really important," plus I could trust them to not abuse the special circumstances. If your son was likely to abuse any leniency, plus especially since you discovered it wasn't needed anyway - then you clearly did the right thing. What we've had to deal with in our household, is autism. Primarily. A lot of impulse control, but also a strong need to recognise the anxiety speaking (and not react back to the apparent insolence - we get a lot of it sometimes still, from difficult child 3). Also a strong need to be clear, precise, calm and firm in our responses. You've given me some interesting new information. He went to his room and slept? OK, so he wasn't as heightened as he seemed. Or his outburst exhausted him - that can happen. Have you asked him how he DID handle it? Have you replayed it with him and told him where he went wrong? Or would that set him off again? (I quite understand not wanting to do that!) What you had, and what you did, was a teaching moment whether you made it one or not. It's called Life. He asked, you said no. He (hopefully) should have learned, just a little bit more. I think you may have misunderstood me in my attitude to apparent rudeness. I don't accept it. I just avoid giving back to any extent what the kid gave me. I've heard too many parents respond with anger and loud voices saying, "WHAT did you just say? Well it will be a cold day in purgatory, boyo, before I give you anything, if that is going to be your attitude!" I have found that if things get to this stage in our family, we've already lost. Because what has happened is the topic gets shifted from the first issue, "Mum, I want X" to one of dealing with disrespect. The first issue is still in the kid's head and they won't make the shift easily to "Oops, I just spoke disrespectfully to Mum, now THAT was a mistake." It means I could be ranting about disrespect, but my kid is not on the same page. Anything I say about timing and disrespect will be utterly wasted. The kid will be thinking, "Mum is trying to change the subject - she's doing this on purpose because she is trying to get out of giving me what I want." End result - screaming match with nothing achieved, both of us feeling resentful and even bigger barriers between us. If I can, I will say, "I am busy at the moment. I will be available for you in five minutes." I do try to give my kids time though, if only because once I've got them dealt with, I can get back to what I was doing and be more likely to have no interruptions. If what I get up to deal with is really trivial, THEN I will say, "You interrupted me for THIS? It could have waited." I emphasise - I strongly recommend against any parent making themselves a doormat for their kids. It's not doing them any favours. But I won't ask for an apology while my kid is raging. Exactly. But I will tell my kids what I'm doing and why. Maybe because what I'm dealing with in my kids is different, and this is what works - for me. If it makes no difference with your kids - that's good. It means you are doing what works - for you. And what more can anyone do? What is important to a kid, is often trivial in our eyes. it can be trivial in their eyes at a different time. (very frustrating!) I hope this was just a temporary blip in how things are going, and he gets back to better behaviour again for you. Marg [/QUOTE]
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