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Opposition defiant disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 334233" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I hear you on not wanting him to feel he's taking over the man role, but you risk bending too far backwards to avoid problems, and making more.</p><p></p><p>How about what worked for me? A lot of the time, my kids were having trouble sleeping because of nightmares. They needed reassurance and cuddles for a while. So I would let them climb into bed with me (on my side, because I seemed to function better than husband with this, plus he was working longer hours than I was) and I would use that time to talk about the nightmare, get them to tell me what it was about. This was all useful information for me, because it helped me understand the sort of things that were worrying the child. Of course, it's not always obvious, you need to learn to understand the dream symbols. But for the kid - just talking it through often helped them see the dream as not so scary after all, not from the point of view of someone who is now awake.</p><p></p><p>So what we then did - after the child had calmed down a bit (I could feel the heart rate and breathing rate begin to slow) I would say, "Are you now ready to go back to your bed? Feel a bit better? I'm always here, you know," and the child would generally go back to bed.</p><p></p><p>If I needed extra impetus, I planned ahead (or dealt with it next day) by saying, "I'm happy to be there for you, but I need my sleep or I get really cranky and tired next day. I don't want to be cranky with you, I don't want to be cranky with other people. And I hate being too tired to cook your meals. So I'm happy to cuddle you if you need it during the night, but when you can, I need you to be a big boy, the man of the house, and go back to your own bed. That way we will both get the sleep we need so neither of us is cranky the next day."</p><p></p><p>If nightmares are a continual problem, I had a trick I taught my kids - "If you roll over and sleep on the other side, the nightmare will trickle out of the ear that is now facing downward. A new dream will them move in. Any time you don't like the dream, justroll over again."</p><p></p><p>This works, it really does. It generally works because you need to wake up to a certain point before you can move - people can't move at all while they're dreaming. And since dreams are a complex result of various external factors as well as internal, changing the external factors even slightly, changes the dream. But that is too complicated to explain to kids and they don't always believe it.</p><p></p><p>If you NEVER allow a child to snuggle with you, they will eventually learn to not ask. But if they know they can, they often don't feel the need to ask as much. It's tricky. I had the luxury of a partner, so I could choose what I wanted to do without the imposed guilt of a single parent always looking over the shoulder and wondering what other people will think if that decision. Society is far too tough on single parents, which then means single parents are far too tough on themselves.</p><p></p><p>We tried melatonin with difficult child 3 - it made no difference at all. It helps mostly with getting the child off to sleep, I don't think it helps much to keep the child asleep. It really depends on why the child is having problems sleeping. If you suspect Asperger's, then chances are you also have a high IQ kid who is also highly strung. This makes nightmares far more likely, also far more vivid. Even if it's just vivid dreams, they can still disturb sleep.</p><p></p><p>I have very vivid memories of my childhood, going further back than I'm told I should be able to remember. And I remember a time when I had trouble distinguishing between dream state and wakefulness. I would dream I was awake, but unable to move, or scream. There would be monsters hiding in the shadows, I was terrified. My mother had some pills I had to take for a while which did nothing. She told me they were pills to help me sleep better. It must have been really difficult for her. I eventually learned to manage it for myself, to an extent. I learned to wake myself up from a nightmare, which required a certain level of mental alertness in my sleep. But what would have helped me a lot (only my mother didn't want me to get into bad habits) was my own bed lamp which I could turn on if I woke; a bed lamp would have made the shadows go away. I could then have turned it off when I was able to. Having that control over the shadows would have given me confidence a lot faster. As it was, I was still having problems into my teens. Not good. Once I left home (at 17) I was able to ensure a torch or bedlamp beside my bed, and I settled more easily.</p><p></p><p>Night time is always worst with difficult children in general, because it takes a lot of mental effort to even come close to "being a good boy" and when the kid is tired, their control slips. After a busy, full day their control slips. Their brains can only hold so much information and stimulation, before they boil over. And then the more they boil over, the more they stimulate themselves and get more agitated.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helps.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 334233, member: 1991"] I hear you on not wanting him to feel he's taking over the man role, but you risk bending too far backwards to avoid problems, and making more. How about what worked for me? A lot of the time, my kids were having trouble sleeping because of nightmares. They needed reassurance and cuddles for a while. So I would let them climb into bed with me (on my side, because I seemed to function better than husband with this, plus he was working longer hours than I was) and I would use that time to talk about the nightmare, get them to tell me what it was about. This was all useful information for me, because it helped me understand the sort of things that were worrying the child. Of course, it's not always obvious, you need to learn to understand the dream symbols. But for the kid - just talking it through often helped them see the dream as not so scary after all, not from the point of view of someone who is now awake. So what we then did - after the child had calmed down a bit (I could feel the heart rate and breathing rate begin to slow) I would say, "Are you now ready to go back to your bed? Feel a bit better? I'm always here, you know," and the child would generally go back to bed. If I needed extra impetus, I planned ahead (or dealt with it next day) by saying, "I'm happy to be there for you, but I need my sleep or I get really cranky and tired next day. I don't want to be cranky with you, I don't want to be cranky with other people. And I hate being too tired to cook your meals. So I'm happy to cuddle you if you need it during the night, but when you can, I need you to be a big boy, the man of the house, and go back to your own bed. That way we will both get the sleep we need so neither of us is cranky the next day." If nightmares are a continual problem, I had a trick I taught my kids - "If you roll over and sleep on the other side, the nightmare will trickle out of the ear that is now facing downward. A new dream will them move in. Any time you don't like the dream, justroll over again." This works, it really does. It generally works because you need to wake up to a certain point before you can move - people can't move at all while they're dreaming. And since dreams are a complex result of various external factors as well as internal, changing the external factors even slightly, changes the dream. But that is too complicated to explain to kids and they don't always believe it. If you NEVER allow a child to snuggle with you, they will eventually learn to not ask. But if they know they can, they often don't feel the need to ask as much. It's tricky. I had the luxury of a partner, so I could choose what I wanted to do without the imposed guilt of a single parent always looking over the shoulder and wondering what other people will think if that decision. Society is far too tough on single parents, which then means single parents are far too tough on themselves. We tried melatonin with difficult child 3 - it made no difference at all. It helps mostly with getting the child off to sleep, I don't think it helps much to keep the child asleep. It really depends on why the child is having problems sleeping. If you suspect Asperger's, then chances are you also have a high IQ kid who is also highly strung. This makes nightmares far more likely, also far more vivid. Even if it's just vivid dreams, they can still disturb sleep. I have very vivid memories of my childhood, going further back than I'm told I should be able to remember. And I remember a time when I had trouble distinguishing between dream state and wakefulness. I would dream I was awake, but unable to move, or scream. There would be monsters hiding in the shadows, I was terrified. My mother had some pills I had to take for a while which did nothing. She told me they were pills to help me sleep better. It must have been really difficult for her. I eventually learned to manage it for myself, to an extent. I learned to wake myself up from a nightmare, which required a certain level of mental alertness in my sleep. But what would have helped me a lot (only my mother didn't want me to get into bad habits) was my own bed lamp which I could turn on if I woke; a bed lamp would have made the shadows go away. I could then have turned it off when I was able to. Having that control over the shadows would have given me confidence a lot faster. As it was, I was still having problems into my teens. Not good. Once I left home (at 17) I was able to ensure a torch or bedlamp beside my bed, and I settled more easily. Night time is always worst with difficult children in general, because it takes a lot of mental effort to even come close to "being a good boy" and when the kid is tired, their control slips. After a busy, full day their control slips. Their brains can only hold so much information and stimulation, before they boil over. And then the more they boil over, the more they stimulate themselves and get more agitated. I hope this helps. Marg [/QUOTE]
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