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flutterbee
Guest
TM, I'm sending you a PM.
Our board
- Thread starter Steely
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everywoman
Well-Known Member
I get most discouraged when advice is offered to someone about an issue, it is ignored or they don't try any of the suggestions, and then they post about the same issue. I see the frustration in some members when they feel like they have offered advice and it is not followed. What I try to remember is the key word: Support. That's what most of us are here for. A support network. If someone continues to beat a dead horse, I simply stop looking at the beating. I know they will eventually find something that works for them or they will give up in despair. I hate to see that happen, but I know it does.
When I read a post, I try to remember when my difficult child was young, and I was new to all of this, and I was lost and alone and isolated and afraid of what might happen. I'm not going to revisit the event that brought me here (but it was a traumatic event for my family). I had a lot of questions and came here for answers. A lot of posters told me I should never allow difficult child to come home. I was advised to call in the authorities (DSS/Police). Eventually I did what was right for my son and my other family members.
Over the years I have taken what I could use, tweaked it for my own personality/method of parenting and family dynamics, and hoped it would work. Sometimes it did. If it didn't, I would try another option. I liked that here I could get a variety of ideas so I had a number of different tools in my parenting toolbox to pull out if needed. What I eventually learned was to take those ideas and come up with my own answers.
I don't offer an answer to anyone. I may offer an idea or two, but as a lay-person, I don't pretend to know what will/won't work for another child. I can tell you what I would do, have done, or wouldn't do. But I don't pretend to know what will work for you, your child, and your family.
I have strong opinions that are not usually popular around here. I try to not express them too strongly because I know that we each come from different economic, ethnic, and religious backgrounds. I understand that our differences offer a variety of backgrounds and leads to a unique forum.
I have come to appreciate the uniqueness here. I love to see Witz's witty comments; I laugh at Star's humor; I appreciate that Fran is calm and collected and always seems to know what to say; I marvel Steely's and KLMNO's strength as single mothers; I love Linda's and TM's practicality; I appreciate the honesty and candor of MWM's and Janet's first hand account of living with BiPolar (BP); I enjoy Jennifer's enthusiasm; I admire Heather's ability to get up everyday facing the health issues she faces; I will miss MB's tenacity.(Sorry if I missed anyone.) Do I agree with everything they say and believe? No. But I respect their right to say and believe.
What bothers me is that people tend to get the feathers in a ruffle if one of us has a differing opinion. That doesn't make one of us right and the other wrong. It just means that because of where we are in our lives, we view things differently.
The responses the other day to Meowbunny really bothered me. She is hurting. She is angry. She doesn't like the choices her daughter made. And some responses to her made it seem like she didn't have a right to feel like she did. That she was wrong for feeling like she felt. We've all been in that place, and we've each worked ourselves through it.
Remember the key word is SUPPORT!
When I read a post, I try to remember when my difficult child was young, and I was new to all of this, and I was lost and alone and isolated and afraid of what might happen. I'm not going to revisit the event that brought me here (but it was a traumatic event for my family). I had a lot of questions and came here for answers. A lot of posters told me I should never allow difficult child to come home. I was advised to call in the authorities (DSS/Police). Eventually I did what was right for my son and my other family members.
Over the years I have taken what I could use, tweaked it for my own personality/method of parenting and family dynamics, and hoped it would work. Sometimes it did. If it didn't, I would try another option. I liked that here I could get a variety of ideas so I had a number of different tools in my parenting toolbox to pull out if needed. What I eventually learned was to take those ideas and come up with my own answers.
I don't offer an answer to anyone. I may offer an idea or two, but as a lay-person, I don't pretend to know what will/won't work for another child. I can tell you what I would do, have done, or wouldn't do. But I don't pretend to know what will work for you, your child, and your family.
I have strong opinions that are not usually popular around here. I try to not express them too strongly because I know that we each come from different economic, ethnic, and religious backgrounds. I understand that our differences offer a variety of backgrounds and leads to a unique forum.
I have come to appreciate the uniqueness here. I love to see Witz's witty comments; I laugh at Star's humor; I appreciate that Fran is calm and collected and always seems to know what to say; I marvel Steely's and KLMNO's strength as single mothers; I love Linda's and TM's practicality; I appreciate the honesty and candor of MWM's and Janet's first hand account of living with BiPolar (BP); I enjoy Jennifer's enthusiasm; I admire Heather's ability to get up everyday facing the health issues she faces; I will miss MB's tenacity.(Sorry if I missed anyone.) Do I agree with everything they say and believe? No. But I respect their right to say and believe.
What bothers me is that people tend to get the feathers in a ruffle if one of us has a differing opinion. That doesn't make one of us right and the other wrong. It just means that because of where we are in our lives, we view things differently.
The responses the other day to Meowbunny really bothered me. She is hurting. She is angry. She doesn't like the choices her daughter made. And some responses to her made it seem like she didn't have a right to feel like she did. That she was wrong for feeling like she felt. We've all been in that place, and we've each worked ourselves through it.
Remember the key word is SUPPORT!
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
I agree that the board has taken on a rather agonistic tone of late.
Enough so that I'm no longer posting much other than WC, and I tread carefully there as well.
It's sad in its way because I think that as an adult difficult child who is both on the AS Spectrum AND Bipolar, who was raised by an AS mother, and spent twenty five years with an ADD/AS-lite husband, I think I do have something to offer.
But, it seems like every time someone offers an opinion that is unpopular, the sharks gather round and contest to see which can rip off the biggest chunk.
Opinions is what this board is about. It may be specialized in terms of it's audience, but it's still about opionions.
And, yeah...as someone who worked as a manager in customer service and technical support; communicating without having access to either body language or tone of voice is damned difficult.
Think before you type and post...
Enough so that I'm no longer posting much other than WC, and I tread carefully there as well.
It's sad in its way because I think that as an adult difficult child who is both on the AS Spectrum AND Bipolar, who was raised by an AS mother, and spent twenty five years with an ADD/AS-lite husband, I think I do have something to offer.
But, it seems like every time someone offers an opinion that is unpopular, the sharks gather round and contest to see which can rip off the biggest chunk.
Opinions is what this board is about. It may be specialized in terms of it's audience, but it's still about opionions.
And, yeah...as someone who worked as a manager in customer service and technical support; communicating without having access to either body language or tone of voice is damned difficult.
Think before you type and post...
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
I've been caught up in my own chaos this week and have missed what prompted this post, but, I, too, have noticed the division in the board. A year ago, it was "us, the warrior parents" against "them, the disease processes (whatever they may be) that steal our children from us". Now, our warrior army seems to splitting.
I miss the old board.
I miss the old board.
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
EM- nicely said!
GN- I just want to say that I for one always appreciated your responses. As the mother of a younger difficult child, it's good to know that my daughter's future may not be the one I would have chosen, but there is a future. And it's all hers...
GN- I just want to say that I for one always appreciated your responses. As the mother of a younger difficult child, it's good to know that my daughter's future may not be the one I would have chosen, but there is a future. And it's all hers...
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
Shari, I think it's important that you used the word split. That means it can be repaired one stitch at a time. We need to be gentler with each other and realize we are all valued and important here. We are all have been hurt, confused and probably frightened. But we need to hold each other up rather than tear each other down.
klmno
Active Member
Thank you, EW! You always bring a nice perspective to threads.
I'm probably one who doesn't respond to my own threads sometimes and I know I haven't acted quickly on our current crisis at home. I hope no one thinks that means I don't value opinions or that I'm just here to always vent without ever taking any action or being appreciative of responses.
I guess it can only be expected that there will be times when someone's opinions seem overly-harsh and someone else's feelings seem overly-sensitive. After all, we are here about the people that bring out the most emotions in us. But I hope there is never any "split" that can't be mended and forgiven.
I'm probably one who doesn't respond to my own threads sometimes and I know I haven't acted quickly on our current crisis at home. I hope no one thinks that means I don't value opinions or that I'm just here to always vent without ever taking any action or being appreciative of responses.
I guess it can only be expected that there will be times when someone's opinions seem overly-harsh and someone else's feelings seem overly-sensitive. After all, we are here about the people that bring out the most emotions in us. But I hope there is never any "split" that can't be mended and forgiven.
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
I think it will be if many or most of the membership decide that the board is valuable to them. I don't think it's something only one or two people can do. We need a concerted effort to be more respectful and caring to each other.
Klmno... you need to be doing exactly what you think is best whether it was prescribed advice from a member or not. You are an excellent mother and a valued member here.
Klmno... you need to be doing exactly what you think is best whether it was prescribed advice from a member or not. You are an excellent mother and a valued member here.
MyFriendKita
Active Member
I've been on this board for a long time (since May 2004--I lost my old screen name), and I quit posting much due to the tone the board has taken. A lot of responses are, as Gone North said, antagonistic--to the point of being downright rude. I see a lot of judgemental, self-righteous responses, and most of it is from people who are long time posters who should know better. I've seen quite a few newbies getting beaten up by older members. It's a shame, because when I first came here, I got more help from the members of this board than I got from any of the professionals in our lives at that time. I truly believe this board saved my son, but I'm glad I'm not a newbie coming into the atmosphere I see here now.
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
I think on the whole our board members do try to be respectful and supportive. Although I know certain topics are almost always sensitive by nature, such as religion and politics, and I agree, although discussing either doesn't bother me I've seen those topics cause great conflict over the years and not just on boards like ours, happens everywhere
.
As far as the MB post, since someone else mentioned it, my intention was not to invalidate her feelings. I understand her feelings. I've been there done that. She has every right to the way she feels. I was simply trying to point out to her that in my opinion her reaction was going over the top in relation to the situation and that she was offending some members. I attempted to do it tactfully. I tried not to hurt her feelings. I stated that it wasn't my intention to do so in my post. And I meant it. I didn't see where anyone else's response on that post was as strong as mine or as attacking her. I don't think that was anyone's intention. I know it wasn't mine.
So by "support" do you just want us to say what the poster would like to hear? Or actually support them by giving our opinions and advice and experience?
.
As far as the MB post, since someone else mentioned it, my intention was not to invalidate her feelings. I understand her feelings. I've been there done that. She has every right to the way she feels. I was simply trying to point out to her that in my opinion her reaction was going over the top in relation to the situation and that she was offending some members. I attempted to do it tactfully. I tried not to hurt her feelings. I stated that it wasn't my intention to do so in my post. And I meant it. I didn't see where anyone else's response on that post was as strong as mine or as attacking her. I don't think that was anyone's intention. I know it wasn't mine.
So by "support" do you just want us to say what the poster would like to hear? Or actually support them by giving our opinions and advice and experience?
F
flutterbee
Guest
I'm saddened to hear of a board split. I haven't been spending a lot of time on the General board because I don't have the brain power needed to actually be helpful, but I think this board is strong and so are its members.
If I seemed harsh on this thread, it wasn't my intention. Having trouble editing my tone appropriately tonight.
If I seemed harsh on this thread, it wasn't my intention. Having trouble editing my tone appropriately tonight.
Marguerite
Active Member
EveryWoman, you said, "I get most discouraged when advice is offered to someone about an issue, it is ignored or they don't try any of the suggestions, and then they post about the same issue. I see the frustration in some members when they feel like they have offered advice and it is not followed."
I understand. I often feel the same way. I see people (in life in general, not just people on this site) doing various things: some people simply need someone to complain to, but have no intention of actually fixing things because if they did so, they would lose the "neediness" that they use to abdicate form personal responsibilty; some people simply feel helpless and overwhelmed, and even when good suggestions are made tye are sometimes too uncertain to take a step forward; others are sometimes too afraid to take the steps forward, or are anxious about the unknown lying ahead.
And ten tere are the ones who DO make positive changes, who might make mistakes at first but who at least have a go.
EveryWoman, if I get the message that someone is either not interested in moving forward, or for whatever reason has already had a wide range of options suggested but is still complaining about the problem as if nothing has been suggested and it still looks hopeless - then I say nothing. I back away, I take my energy elsewhere. I figure, either what I had to say just didn't 'gel' with that person, or perhaps what they want right now is't help, just an audience. My energies are therefore best directed elsewhere and the person can still get what they can from the site from people they may connect to better than me.
Just a suggestion. It's what I do in real life, also. I'll pat someonow on the shoulder if they need it, I will hand out the tissues if they're needed, but if someone asks my advice and then not only ignores it but continues to wail about the same old problems and also to say, "Nobody is prepared to help me," they will find me gone, and their statement comes true.
But I won't say anything to them. No point.
I do find, though, that there are not many people like this. They make me very nervous when I come across them, so I do remember how many I've encountered. Twilight Zone theme starts playing in my head at such times!
This is a good site, we all help one another. There are times when people in general are perhaps feeling tetchier than usual, reminders like this as a general reference have their uses at such times.
Marg
I understand. I often feel the same way. I see people (in life in general, not just people on this site) doing various things: some people simply need someone to complain to, but have no intention of actually fixing things because if they did so, they would lose the "neediness" that they use to abdicate form personal responsibilty; some people simply feel helpless and overwhelmed, and even when good suggestions are made tye are sometimes too uncertain to take a step forward; others are sometimes too afraid to take the steps forward, or are anxious about the unknown lying ahead.
And ten tere are the ones who DO make positive changes, who might make mistakes at first but who at least have a go.
EveryWoman, if I get the message that someone is either not interested in moving forward, or for whatever reason has already had a wide range of options suggested but is still complaining about the problem as if nothing has been suggested and it still looks hopeless - then I say nothing. I back away, I take my energy elsewhere. I figure, either what I had to say just didn't 'gel' with that person, or perhaps what they want right now is't help, just an audience. My energies are therefore best directed elsewhere and the person can still get what they can from the site from people they may connect to better than me.
Just a suggestion. It's what I do in real life, also. I'll pat someonow on the shoulder if they need it, I will hand out the tissues if they're needed, but if someone asks my advice and then not only ignores it but continues to wail about the same old problems and also to say, "Nobody is prepared to help me," they will find me gone, and their statement comes true.
But I won't say anything to them. No point.
I do find, though, that there are not many people like this. They make me very nervous when I come across them, so I do remember how many I've encountered. Twilight Zone theme starts playing in my head at such times!
This is a good site, we all help one another. There are times when people in general are perhaps feeling tetchier than usual, reminders like this as a general reference have their uses at such times.
Marg
hearts and roses
Mind Reader
May as well toss in my 2 cents. I don't read all the threads. Or, sometimes I will read a thread and only get 1/2 way through it and decide that either it's too close or I cannot relate or simply have a loss for words. Since 2004 when I joined I can only count on one hand the times I thought, "Wow, this is getting too heated" and chose to ignore further posts on that thread. Other times I will follow a thread but not post.
I came here for support and I've learned that none of us will find the exact same solution to any given situation - AND THAT'S OKAY. How we feel about any given situation is OURS, true to how we feel. How we feel is not up for discussion. How we resolve it may be, but how we feel about it is not. In regards to MB's post, that was my main thought as I read through some of the responses. Some posters tried to change her feeling or make her feel bad for feeling how she felt - can't do that. All you can do in that situation is offer empathy if you've been there done that, or support for whatever the outcome is. We are not counselors and most of us have not had the benefit of meeting one another in person - the internet is a very strange way to converse.
I think I can safely say that we're all friends here and when you go to a friend with a problem or worries, what are you looking for? Really? You're usually looking for either constructive criticism, help in finding a viable solution, or a shoulder to cry on or just an ear to listen - all of the above!
I very often post in the hopes that someone will tell me "Yeah, what you're doing is great" and other times to hear someone say, "You know, I know you think you're doing the right thing, but you should perhaps look at _____ and ________" or whatever.
EW, I totally get what you're saying about a member who continually comes here for support and asks for advice and then continually does nothing to change his/her situation. It can be frustrating for sure. At a certain point, rather than frustrate ourselves by dishing out the same response only to be ignored, it may be best to simply respond with a touch of empathy and a simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way - best of luck" and let it go. Like everyone on this board has said at least 8 million times, each of us has to come to it in our own time, whether it's detaching, leaving a spouse, letting a difficult child go, etc.
I'm not going to let any one post ruin it for me and as far as a 'split' goes - I haven't seen any evidence of that yet, but I can be clueless at times. I will continue to read and post or read and not post as I feel comfortable with. I hope we all can find a way to just move on. Hugs everyone.
I came here for support and I've learned that none of us will find the exact same solution to any given situation - AND THAT'S OKAY. How we feel about any given situation is OURS, true to how we feel. How we feel is not up for discussion. How we resolve it may be, but how we feel about it is not. In regards to MB's post, that was my main thought as I read through some of the responses. Some posters tried to change her feeling or make her feel bad for feeling how she felt - can't do that. All you can do in that situation is offer empathy if you've been there done that, or support for whatever the outcome is. We are not counselors and most of us have not had the benefit of meeting one another in person - the internet is a very strange way to converse.
I think I can safely say that we're all friends here and when you go to a friend with a problem or worries, what are you looking for? Really? You're usually looking for either constructive criticism, help in finding a viable solution, or a shoulder to cry on or just an ear to listen - all of the above!
I very often post in the hopes that someone will tell me "Yeah, what you're doing is great" and other times to hear someone say, "You know, I know you think you're doing the right thing, but you should perhaps look at _____ and ________" or whatever.
EW, I totally get what you're saying about a member who continually comes here for support and asks for advice and then continually does nothing to change his/her situation. It can be frustrating for sure. At a certain point, rather than frustrate ourselves by dishing out the same response only to be ignored, it may be best to simply respond with a touch of empathy and a simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way - best of luck" and let it go. Like everyone on this board has said at least 8 million times, each of us has to come to it in our own time, whether it's detaching, leaving a spouse, letting a difficult child go, etc.
I'm not going to let any one post ruin it for me and as far as a 'split' goes - I haven't seen any evidence of that yet, but I can be clueless at times. I will continue to read and post or read and not post as I feel comfortable with. I hope we all can find a way to just move on. Hugs everyone.
goldenguru
Active Member
This 'reminder' was very needed in my humble opinion. Thank you Steeley.
I don't think we need to take offense at the notion that sometimes we need a little moderating from time to time. It helps to keep the board civil and purpose focused.
I don't think we need to take offense at the notion that sometimes we need a little moderating from time to time. It helps to keep the board civil and purpose focused.
K
Kjs
Guest
I have to respond to this.
There was one time someone made a comment that I took as them saying "your kid is crazy".
I stayed away for a long time. I cannot always find the words to post, but I read and everyone is in my thoughts.
It is true, like family. Only MY family would tell me to do this or do that. i don't get that here. BECAUSE everyone who is here found this place for the same reason.
Way, way to many times we have all been judged by PP. Just ONCE I would like my neighbor to wear MY shoes. For ONE day. She says a lot of things that are pretty hurtful.
WE all have our opinions. We all have wonderful, sweet, sensitive..yet very challenging kids. We know what works for one, doesn't work for another. However, sharing OUR own personal experience may just light the little light at the end of the tunnel. Hope. There are a lot of success stories.
When i am so down and the end of my rope, I have so much support from you here.
Little by little I am working on things. I wouldn't of done that without support.
baby steps. LOL babysteps over months and months. But, they are steps.
This is a great place and one where we all have a common ground.
There was one time someone made a comment that I took as them saying "your kid is crazy".
I stayed away for a long time. I cannot always find the words to post, but I read and everyone is in my thoughts.
It is true, like family. Only MY family would tell me to do this or do that. i don't get that here. BECAUSE everyone who is here found this place for the same reason.
Way, way to many times we have all been judged by PP. Just ONCE I would like my neighbor to wear MY shoes. For ONE day. She says a lot of things that are pretty hurtful.
WE all have our opinions. We all have wonderful, sweet, sensitive..yet very challenging kids. We know what works for one, doesn't work for another. However, sharing OUR own personal experience may just light the little light at the end of the tunnel. Hope. There are a lot of success stories.
When i am so down and the end of my rope, I have so much support from you here.
Little by little I am working on things. I wouldn't of done that without support.
baby steps. LOL babysteps over months and months. But, they are steps.
This is a great place and one where we all have a common ground.
Our children and their lives elicit strong feelings in all of us. So...its no wonder that every once in awhile the board and/or members need to be reminded to be mindful of each other's feelings.
I've been here since 2001 and have always found a welcome place to land. I've gotten a lot of advice: some I took, some I modified and adapted to fit my family situation and some, I've just shaken my head over - lol.
However, there are always going to be posters that we somehow "click" with. Its amazing though, that with all our differences, we come together with one goal in mind: to help the chldren we love so very much.
I've been here since 2001 and have always found a welcome place to land. I've gotten a lot of advice: some I took, some I modified and adapted to fit my family situation and some, I've just shaken my head over - lol.
However, there are always going to be posters that we somehow "click" with. Its amazing though, that with all our differences, we come together with one goal in mind: to help the chldren we love so very much.
house of cards
New Member
This is a very special place. When I have heard a certain tone to a post that could be considered upsetting, I have tried to remember that I don't know what is going on in that person's life. They may be depressed and everything is looking ugly to them right now, or maybe they are dealing with their own crippling anxiety. Some people tend to sound arrogant (like my husband, LOL) and you have to learn to hear the message while screening out the lecture tone. Everyone is taking the time to post because they care, at least that is what I choose to believe.
lizzie09
lizzie
Somehow I seem to have missed the whole story here.
However since I joined this board I have greatly enjoyed the support and warmth I have received from so many people. Also I belong to a different culuture.
I dont have a huge amount of experiencce despite having a son with PWS as difficulties have arose fairly recently but I try to offer support wherever I can and I enjoy many of the posters immensely...so thank you for all you have offered me.
We can all be so worried about our situations it is easy to go astray.
Lizzie
However since I joined this board I have greatly enjoyed the support and warmth I have received from so many people. Also I belong to a different culuture.
I dont have a huge amount of experiencce despite having a son with PWS as difficulties have arose fairly recently but I try to offer support wherever I can and I enjoy many of the posters immensely...so thank you for all you have offered me.
We can all be so worried about our situations it is easy to go astray.
Lizzie
- Status
