Our board

[Steely]

Wow....I am impressed at the outpouring of responses. I guess I am not sure what to say. Except I do want to clarify some of the more heated posts asking me why I posted this, and maybe it should have come from a mod, etc.

99% of the time this place is rock solid - and even if someone tells me I need to do something a certain way, or makes suggestions, or I get no answers to a post, I am not upset by that, nor do I feel judged. It also does not concern me for our other posters because I think most can see that we are just throwing out ideas, and brainstorming, with love.

This "reminder post" to not judge came from a different place in my heart. A different concern. A concern that as of late I see a few members come on, who have their own personal axe to grind about life, themselves, or others, and use this board to do that, at the expense of us. They have their personal agendas, and use other's personal topics on this board, to prove and work out their own problems. These posts are usually pretty angry, accusatory and venomous. Some as Fran mentioned have to do with religion, etc., but not all. This has been happening a bit more and more, and that is not OK with me.

True I am not a mod, and maybe this should have come from a mod - but fortunately or unfortunately I feel like I have a lot of ownership invested in this place. It has helped us all in inordinate amounts of ways - and it is all of our responsibilities to keep the bar of expectation high enough that our board continues to operate in a loving, supportive, healthy way.

Heather I apologize of if I offended you in any way. That was not my intent. I just want us to keep our amazing CD integrity in tact.

 

[Abbey]

Jenn...you do not have a corner yet. Boot Star out and we'll make room.

(love ya, Star. We'll bunk so Jenn can come in.)

Abbey

 

[ML]

I feel like maybe I'm one of those people who come back with the same issues over and over again. It may not look like it, but I take everyone's input to heart. Some things that are suggested aren't always easy to implement. My issues are more about the journey of a lifetime, a marathon rather than a sprint. Sometimes I feel criticism because I *am* trying medications with difficult child who is AS. Actually the medication issue may be up there with religion and politics lol. I think going forward taking a pm approach may be my best bet.

I am grateful to have the support here. I make tons of mistakes in raising difficult child and am open to positive "criticism" as long as it is without judgement. I do enough of that to myself!

ML

 

[Steely]

ML, I am not talking about you sweetie. Bringing a topic over and over again is totally OK. I think I have 3 posts in a week about my depression. Blah.

I am talking about posts where someone might be bashing YOU for using a certain approach, and the only reason that person is bashing YOU, is because they have some personal axe to grind on that subject in their own personal lives that they want to work out through others on this board. That is what is not OK. They do not post objectively, but rather with angry baggage.

Gosh, I hate that you feel judged here. I don't know want that. Did this entire post make you feel judged?

 

[ML]

No, not at all Steel. It just made me think about my own patterns. I tend to be my own worst critic. Throw in a bit of typical paranoia and it doesn't take much. Steely you have always been an inspiration to me. xo ML

 

[totoro]

I always feel judged... but that is because I have anxiety. I am kidding!

I have to watch what I post because I am a difficult child. I write at times and then erase because I will look it over and think it sounds too harsh.
I can be very sensitive at different times, but it all depends on me, how K is doing, is she unstable, sometimes when she is just a wreck it is so freaking hard to post about it. The last thing you want to hear is take her to ER or drug her up etc. So sometimes you don't do what the board suggests and sometimes members may get ticked.
But maybe this is what your psychiatrist wants, or maybe this what you as parent feel right about? I don't know why?
But like Mental Illness and our other issues our G'sFG have there are no cut and dry answers, just things we have tried and things the doctor's *think* work or work most of the time.
I try to let that be known when I post.
If I read a post and it seems like the person is needing help and crying out for help, I try to walk extra softly.
Like KJS post the other day. She was in need of very kind words and support it seemed, with suggestions. (Just one example)
I didn't post on MB's because it was too close to home for me, personally and I didn't want to get *beat up* also.

I understand the attitude that if you are asking for advice you should be willing to listen to all of it. But if you are giving advice you should not take it personally if someone doesn't take it. Who cares?
I mean just because swimming laps works for calming K why does that mean it will work for your kid?
I stopped using drugs on my own, no NA... I am not going to go get on my high horse about how no-one needs it. Some may not.
To each his own.

I think the Holidays hit us all pretty hard and it is taking some time getting back together.
There is a lot of pain here, for a lot of us.
I myself am going through some stuff.
I haven't been posting very much.
I feel it is the same old stuff, my kid is BiPolar (BP)... I am BiPolar (BP). My family is falling apart, so is business. So what?

I love this place and I love the members. I get so much from you all, thorns and all... mine included!

 

[ML]

Totoro you said that beautifully.

 

[ML]

Actually I have more to say on the issue of advice and support. I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated the kindness and patience of this board while I went through some tough times this year. When I posted about husband's behavior I know that I must have had a sign on my back that shouted "victim" and that must have illicted some frustration from friends who cared about me. When replies to my posts suggested that I leave, they were absolutely right. No, I didn't leave, but I *needed* you all during that time not to give up on me. And now, husband is going on 4 months of sobriety and there is hope for us. None of us is G-d. We can't possibly know the right thing for each person. But it is ok and appreciated when others share what has worked for them. Even a short "I have no advice but I encourage you to keep a positive thought" can go a long way. The ulitmate decisions about my life and parenting are between me and my higher power.

We are all sometimes oversensitive. We create our own problems much of the time but we still need each other. It's also kind of like having empathy for a smoker who developed lung cancer, like my dad did. Sure, he brought on the disease but he still deserve compassion and understanding during his illness as much as the guy who got lung cancer and didn't smoke (this is jmo by the way). There was no way he was going to take the advice of loved ones and friends and stop smoking and he reaped some pretty severe natural consequences. There are going to be choices that we make that others disagree with. But I hope it doesn't stop the spirit of support here.

I love all of you so much.

 

[meowbunny]

I wasn't going to reply but since my posts in PE have been mentioned a few times, I guess I should. As I said when I told everyone I was taking a break, I was very hurt at some of the responses I received. I was talking about my feelings. In turn, I got lectures about how I should feel. Sorry, but people don't work that way. At least I don't. I feel what I feel. My pain is mine and it won't change because you feel differently.

No matter what, to tell someone to get off their high horse, that they can't have it both ways and the like are not helpful comments. They are mean and cruel. Words and phrases like that are not meant to help. They are meant to hurt. In my case, they succeeded.

I lurked for many years. I've seen this board go through some pretty ugly periods. I've also seen how it has helped many. I thought it was well past time for me to offer what I knew, to give comfort where I could and to try opening up. I didn't ask for advice often. I didn't need advice. I honestly knew where I needed to detach, where I needed to stay strong and what was right for my child and for me. This pregnancy is not a welcome thing to me, no matter how anyone else in the world feels. I thought I would get understanding and I did from some. Sadly, I also got pretty beat up and I don't think I deserved that.

When I first read some of the comments, I thought I was being overly sensitive. However, given the PMs I received, I was not. Many felt that some of you had crossed a line but, for one reason or another, they did not want to say anything publicly. Some because they had this board because of being hurt. Some because they were afraid of being beat up. Some because they didn't want to see battles start. It is sad that people feel they have to give support in secret because of fears of what will happen if they give that support in public.

There are times when bluntness is truly necessary, especially if you see that someone's actions are truly hurting their child. If you see that someone is hurting, that is not the time to be hurtful to them. If you think what they are saying will hurt someone else, then send them a PM but keep the hateful and hurtful words out. Don't blast them because their feelings aren't what you think they should be. Be kind. You really can get a point across with being mean. Try writing what you feel and read it before hitting the send button. If necessary, let it sit for an hour or two and re-read what you've written. If it sounds cruel, change it. If it says exactly what you want it to say, send it.

Okay, I've said my piece. I'll go back to lurking.

 

[dreamer]

wasn't gonna reply cuz I didn't want to inflame things further....but.....am feeling beat up myself. yes I posted to meowbunny. & meowbunny singled me out & asked menot to reply.........that hurt.......i apologized.....& I didn't post more to her. my experiences are often different than others here....maybe cuz I'm in twilite zone area northern I'll semi rural.....maybe cuz my difficult children age. but just becuz my experiences are so different doesn't make them irrelevant. I was reading the thread and replying from my heart.....& I think there were confusions. I thought meowbunnies dtr did work. maybe not rigfht now but..........well anyway.........yes it was very hard for me to read about how meowbunny felt.....& when she said her dtrs life was ruined I was devastated for her. but truth is......i wanted to help her find a way to make lemonade out of lemons & find a spark of hope becuz really all hope is not lost. & um...........i hoped she could see that while it felt like the world maybe ended......it didn't have to go how she feared. & yes I wrote about my life .....i did that for lots of reasons.....none of which were to get sympathy for 'my hard life' but to offer hope and yes it made me feel crummy & insulted her views on charity.....as if I mite be some worthless deadbeat or something. no I didn't pm & I stopped replying but I can say I felt very very hurt. why post in public only to tell someone not to reply?

 

[Lothlorien]

Okay....I'm gonna lock this one too.

We are all different people from all different backgrounds. We all have different situations. The main thing that we have in common is that we have difficult children. The way you handle something may be right for your family and not others. The only thing that we can do is make suggestions and offer wisdom. When people get judgemental, things get sour.

Steely's post generated from the general tone of some of the posts lately, not one in particular. (at least that's the way I thing).

I think we all need to do some self checking and read and reread our posts to each other to see if something might be taken in the wrong way.

There have been many times where I was annoyed by someone's post. I felt annoyed when someone was repeatedly given the same advice over and over and ignored everything. Guess what....I stayed away and refrained from posting.

I've even made lengthy replies to someone and then decided that it took a negative tone and never hit the post button.

On the other hand, before getting defensive about someone's post, take a deep breath and look at the entire picture. Sometimes it's worth looking at yourself from someone else's point of view.