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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 694406" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi, Heather. I'm sorry about your daughter. I am estranged from one of my adult children. He is no kid. He is 38 and I will tell you how I feel about it and what I've done. This doesn't mean that what I did is what YOU should do. Please just take it as my own story.</p><p></p><p>We adopted a six year old boy from overseas and we'd adopted before and I have one viological son. I am on stellar terms with all of my other kids, but this one decided, to simplify things, to dump the family when he met a woman who dazzled him but didn't seem to like us. That is really all I know because he did not share his real reasons with us, but after being in therapy with a psychologist who only sees adopted children and adopted families, I am moved to believe he had attachment problems due to being in an orphanage for six years. Before you think "poor kid" I agree with you, but this is one kid who was brilliant and has built a life for himself with his own business, two kids I've never met and over a million bucks. He told me, before the estrangement, that he never had to work again and his bills would be paid and his lifestyle bears this out. He paid for a very expensive house with inground pool cash down. Same with expensive car. His kids are in private schools. Thankfully, I at least don't worry that he is on the streets suffering. He isn't. Nor does he miss me.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, I did miss and love him dearly. Five years after not even hearing from him, I contacted his church, which is dear to him (ype, he's quite the Christian ( tongue in cheek) ) and they have mediation. This was the first and only time he lagreed to meet with me in all that time. I was fortunately already over the grief and anger and everything and felt I could deal with anything, but wanted closure. I told nobody else I was going to meet with him and, of course, he dragged his wife with him. They are joined at the hip. I guess that is good. I don't know. She doesn't know me. She pushed our family away, and he let her, before we had a chance to get to know one another. She wanted to be his everything. She was not a kid either. She was in her mid 30s when she met him and he was in his late twenties. She would sit on his lap and nuzzle him in front of us all the time. We never brought it up. Not even to each other. Later, after the estrangement, it turned out that all of us had gotten a strange vibe from her...unfriendly...and that the fawning like a teenager on his lap all the time struck us all as odd. But that's just the back story.</p><p></p><p>About the one mediation session at his church: He handed me a list of demeaning ways I had to act and places I could see them at (rerstrictions) if I wanted to be in their lives at all. Included were I could never go to their house but had to see them either at this church or in a restaurant, in which I paid for my own meal. There was no need to add that "you pay for your own meal" but it was deliberately meant to demean as he is wealthy and we struggle. Why I can not go into his house or meet them at a park, I don't know. Other tidbits were, he is to have no responsibility for anyone in the family at any time. I can only call him once a month and must leave a message as to the purpose of my call. If I did not do the message bit, he would not get back to me. There was more, but I realized he was trying to make me his slave in order to see him. Meanwhile, his wife sat in a corner, sniveling and crying and dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. At one time she said, "I'm afraid of you."</p><p></p><p>It was such an absurd comment, I just sat and let it go. Nobody is afraid of me. I'm not scary. I'm kind of a wuss. Son never so much as got his hand slapped or grounded in his life with us. I am not sure what she meant but he must have made up some doozies. So I listened to a bunch of garbage and, when it was over, he prayed for me, handed me the list, we hugged a little, and I walked out. On the way out, I stuffed the list in a church trash can. I knew that this chapter of my life was completely over. Never tried to contact him again and he certainly did not contact me.</p><p></p><p>Ten years went by and I am good. I did have a near fatal car accident last Sept. and was in the hospital for twelve weeks. All of my family was there for me, although I don't remember it. But they told me. He was not there. He never so much as sent a get well card.</p><p></p><p>A family member to me has a obligation to be a part of the family. He isn't. So he is my son on paper only. I never include him as my son when people ask me how many kids I have. His children are total strangers to me so I don't include them in my grandchildren count either. Recently, I wrote him a letter which was two paragraphns long telling him I no l onger considered him my son and that he was written out of the will so please don't come around with late regrets etc. I signed it by my first name. I read it one hundred times before sending it, then I did and was never sorry. He hasn't been in our lives, by his own choice, for over ten years now. So...</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is new to estrangement. I would never go this far so soon. But does your daughter have a history of being controlling and mean to either of you or to others in her circle? If so, I'd cut off the disrespect of husband NOW. There is no excuse for a 45 year old middle aged woman to act l ike Mean Girls to her elderly father. Why should she weld that much power over him?</p><p></p><p>That's just my thoughts after all the abuse from estranged son. I decided never again will anyone in my life treat me like that. I mourned f or two years. I grieved. I wrote letters begging, pleading, groveling. It didn't work and it usually doesn't. In fact, he laughed about it to me. I could tell he had less respect for me because I was so desperate.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion no matter what you do, respecting yourself must come first. Demeaning rules by our not-so-nice adult children have no place in a family. None.</p><p></p><p>This is just my own experience and my own conclusion. You may come up with another one, entirely of your own. I ask myself, "If this were my spouse or a friend and not my child would I put up with it?"</p><p></p><p>If the answer is "no" I don't put up with it.</p><p></p><p>I believe you can't forgive anyone w ho won't repent. That is my own belief. I move on with my life, but don't give anyone status of forgiveness if they don't want it. Many people do as they feel better t hemselves if they do. It doesn't make me feel better as it feels pretty wasted on those who don't care.</p><p></p><p>Try not to let her upset your world. No one person, not even a ch ild of ours, has the right to rent space inside our heads all the time.</p><p></p><p>Sending good wishes, light and love to you and yours. And strength. There is nothing easy about this. I hope I didn't sound like my decision was made easily or lightly. If it sounds that way, it's misrepresenting the grief and pain I had to go through to move on.</p><p></p><p>Hugs!!!! I posted an address below for a forum for Estranged, Rejected Parents. If you click on "community" you will come to a forum. The book is a good one.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.rejectedparents.net/" target="_blank">http://www.rejectedparents.net/</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 694406, member: 1550"] Hi, Heather. I'm sorry about your daughter. I am estranged from one of my adult children. He is no kid. He is 38 and I will tell you how I feel about it and what I've done. This doesn't mean that what I did is what YOU should do. Please just take it as my own story. We adopted a six year old boy from overseas and we'd adopted before and I have one viological son. I am on stellar terms with all of my other kids, but this one decided, to simplify things, to dump the family when he met a woman who dazzled him but didn't seem to like us. That is really all I know because he did not share his real reasons with us, but after being in therapy with a psychologist who only sees adopted children and adopted families, I am moved to believe he had attachment problems due to being in an orphanage for six years. Before you think "poor kid" I agree with you, but this is one kid who was brilliant and has built a life for himself with his own business, two kids I've never met and over a million bucks. He told me, before the estrangement, that he never had to work again and his bills would be paid and his lifestyle bears this out. He paid for a very expensive house with inground pool cash down. Same with expensive car. His kids are in private schools. Thankfully, I at least don't worry that he is on the streets suffering. He isn't. Nor does he miss me. The thing is, I did miss and love him dearly. Five years after not even hearing from him, I contacted his church, which is dear to him (ype, he's quite the Christian ( tongue in cheek) ) and they have mediation. This was the first and only time he lagreed to meet with me in all that time. I was fortunately already over the grief and anger and everything and felt I could deal with anything, but wanted closure. I told nobody else I was going to meet with him and, of course, he dragged his wife with him. They are joined at the hip. I guess that is good. I don't know. She doesn't know me. She pushed our family away, and he let her, before we had a chance to get to know one another. She wanted to be his everything. She was not a kid either. She was in her mid 30s when she met him and he was in his late twenties. She would sit on his lap and nuzzle him in front of us all the time. We never brought it up. Not even to each other. Later, after the estrangement, it turned out that all of us had gotten a strange vibe from her...unfriendly...and that the fawning like a teenager on his lap all the time struck us all as odd. But that's just the back story. About the one mediation session at his church: He handed me a list of demeaning ways I had to act and places I could see them at (rerstrictions) if I wanted to be in their lives at all. Included were I could never go to their house but had to see them either at this church or in a restaurant, in which I paid for my own meal. There was no need to add that "you pay for your own meal" but it was deliberately meant to demean as he is wealthy and we struggle. Why I can not go into his house or meet them at a park, I don't know. Other tidbits were, he is to have no responsibility for anyone in the family at any time. I can only call him once a month and must leave a message as to the purpose of my call. If I did not do the message bit, he would not get back to me. There was more, but I realized he was trying to make me his slave in order to see him. Meanwhile, his wife sat in a corner, sniveling and crying and dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. At one time she said, "I'm afraid of you." It was such an absurd comment, I just sat and let it go. Nobody is afraid of me. I'm not scary. I'm kind of a wuss. Son never so much as got his hand slapped or grounded in his life with us. I am not sure what she meant but he must have made up some doozies. So I listened to a bunch of garbage and, when it was over, he prayed for me, handed me the list, we hugged a little, and I walked out. On the way out, I stuffed the list in a church trash can. I knew that this chapter of my life was completely over. Never tried to contact him again and he certainly did not contact me. Ten years went by and I am good. I did have a near fatal car accident last Sept. and was in the hospital for twelve weeks. All of my family was there for me, although I don't remember it. But they told me. He was not there. He never so much as sent a get well card. A family member to me has a obligation to be a part of the family. He isn't. So he is my son on paper only. I never include him as my son when people ask me how many kids I have. His children are total strangers to me so I don't include them in my grandchildren count either. Recently, I wrote him a letter which was two paragraphns long telling him I no l onger considered him my son and that he was written out of the will so please don't come around with late regrets etc. I signed it by my first name. I read it one hundred times before sending it, then I did and was never sorry. He hasn't been in our lives, by his own choice, for over ten years now. So... Your daughter is new to estrangement. I would never go this far so soon. But does your daughter have a history of being controlling and mean to either of you or to others in her circle? If so, I'd cut off the disrespect of husband NOW. There is no excuse for a 45 year old middle aged woman to act l ike Mean Girls to her elderly father. Why should she weld that much power over him? That's just my thoughts after all the abuse from estranged son. I decided never again will anyone in my life treat me like that. I mourned f or two years. I grieved. I wrote letters begging, pleading, groveling. It didn't work and it usually doesn't. In fact, he laughed about it to me. I could tell he had less respect for me because I was so desperate. in my opinion no matter what you do, respecting yourself must come first. Demeaning rules by our not-so-nice adult children have no place in a family. None. This is just my own experience and my own conclusion. You may come up with another one, entirely of your own. I ask myself, "If this were my spouse or a friend and not my child would I put up with it?" If the answer is "no" I don't put up with it. I believe you can't forgive anyone w ho won't repent. That is my own belief. I move on with my life, but don't give anyone status of forgiveness if they don't want it. Many people do as they feel better t hemselves if they do. It doesn't make me feel better as it feels pretty wasted on those who don't care. Try not to let her upset your world. No one person, not even a ch ild of ours, has the right to rent space inside our heads all the time. Sending good wishes, light and love to you and yours. And strength. There is nothing easy about this. I hope I didn't sound like my decision was made easily or lightly. If it sounds that way, it's misrepresenting the grief and pain I had to go through to move on. Hugs!!!! I posted an address below for a forum for Estranged, Rejected Parents. If you click on "community" you will come to a forum. The book is a good one. [URL]http://www.rejectedparents.net/[/URL] [/QUOTE]
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