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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 694534" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Well, your situation with your daughter reminds me so much about my mother's with my sister. And maybe me, but it is hard to see yourself so clearly. Let me tell you what my mother did, and how it ended up. You may learn from her pain. </p><p></p><p>My sister was like your son and law. My mother had money and my SO believes the only reason my sister was in her life for 40 years was for that. When my mother would not give her money--my sister rejected her. Actually she rejected her all along and treated her like dirt to the extent she could. She tried to humiliate my mother--and also used her children. My mother a beautiful and elegant and self-centered woman, felt like she was used like a cleaning lady (when the babies were little and thrown away.)</p><p></p><p>My mother and I realized this was what my sister was like and over and over again my mother went back to the same arrangement. Because she loved my sister and loved the babies. I do not believe she ever regretted it.</p><p></p><p>But then my mother got ill and it was her final illness. My sister would not talk to her or to me. By that time my mother was either living with me or close to me. She would not pick up the phone. For either one of us. She let my mother die--without ever talking to her or seeing here. Just.like.that. </p><p></p><p>I was appalled. I never believed she would (or anybody) would do such a thing. But she did. It has been almost 3 years. I have not spoken to her once. She will not answer my emails. There are other things, there always are. But that is our story.</p><p>This happened too. </p><p></p><p>My sister married for the 3rd time. Her husband was close to his mother. At first my sister seemed to tolerate and enjoy her mother in law. Until she did not. She would not let the woman come to her home. The mother in law asked my mother: <em>"Why doesn't L like me?"</em></p><p><em>What could my mother say. She knew her daughter. </em> But I blame the husband. I do. He could have stood up to my sister. To protect his mother. He did not. Everybody was old in these stories. My mother was in her 80's. My sister almost 60.</p><p></p><p>My mother could not believe it at the end. That her daughter who she had supported and paid her mortgage and been loyal too. Threw her away like garbage. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes I think that my sister was just afraid. That she did it for self-preservation. Perhaps. Perhaps all of it was weakness all along. Weakness and meanness. </p><p></p><p><em>At the end my mother said: Copa you told me she was like that when you were still a little girl.I never believed you.</em></p><p>My sister would refer to my mother as <em>a crazy old lady</em>--to me. Imagine what she said to other people.</p><p> Well, what would I do?</p><p></p><p>I would go to the party. It is not about your daughter or her mean husband. It is about your grand baby and it is about you. My mother used to tell me: <em>Copa. You can't change people. You have to accept them as they are. They will not change.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>You have 2 choices and 2 choices either: accept your daughter as she is or do not ever see her again. I would do the former. I would. I would accept the reality as it is, and I would do whatever I could to have a relationship with my grandchild and with my daughter. That is what my mother did and I believe she did the right thing. Even ending as it did.</p><p></p><p>My mother, I think, did the morally correct thing in this case--she did her best. The right thing does not always happen. We do not get what we want or deserve usually. But we can do the right thing. That is what I think.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 694534, member: 18958"] Well, your situation with your daughter reminds me so much about my mother's with my sister. And maybe me, but it is hard to see yourself so clearly. Let me tell you what my mother did, and how it ended up. You may learn from her pain. My sister was like your son and law. My mother had money and my SO believes the only reason my sister was in her life for 40 years was for that. When my mother would not give her money--my sister rejected her. Actually she rejected her all along and treated her like dirt to the extent she could. She tried to humiliate my mother--and also used her children. My mother a beautiful and elegant and self-centered woman, felt like she was used like a cleaning lady (when the babies were little and thrown away.) My mother and I realized this was what my sister was like and over and over again my mother went back to the same arrangement. Because she loved my sister and loved the babies. I do not believe she ever regretted it. But then my mother got ill and it was her final illness. My sister would not talk to her or to me. By that time my mother was either living with me or close to me. She would not pick up the phone. For either one of us. She let my mother die--without ever talking to her or seeing here. Just.like.that. I was appalled. I never believed she would (or anybody) would do such a thing. But she did. It has been almost 3 years. I have not spoken to her once. She will not answer my emails. There are other things, there always are. But that is our story. This happened too. My sister married for the 3rd time. Her husband was close to his mother. At first my sister seemed to tolerate and enjoy her mother in law. Until she did not. She would not let the woman come to her home. The mother in law asked my mother: [I]"Why doesn't L like me?" What could my mother say. She knew her daughter. [/I] But I blame the husband. I do. He could have stood up to my sister. To protect his mother. He did not. Everybody was old in these stories. My mother was in her 80's. My sister almost 60. My mother could not believe it at the end. That her daughter who she had supported and paid her mortgage and been loyal too. Threw her away like garbage. Sometimes I think that my sister was just afraid. That she did it for self-preservation. Perhaps. Perhaps all of it was weakness all along. Weakness and meanness. [I]At the end my mother said: Copa you told me she was like that when you were still a little girl.I never believed you.[/I] My sister would refer to my mother as [I]a crazy old lady[/I]--to me. Imagine what she said to other people. Well, what would I do? I would go to the party. It is not about your daughter or her mean husband. It is about your grand baby and it is about you. My mother used to tell me: [I]Copa. You can't change people. You have to accept them as they are. They will not change. [/I] You have 2 choices and 2 choices either: accept your daughter as she is or do not ever see her again. I would do the former. I would. I would accept the reality as it is, and I would do whatever I could to have a relationship with my grandchild and with my daughter. That is what my mother did and I believe she did the right thing. Even ending as it did. My mother, I think, did the morally correct thing in this case--she did her best. The right thing does not always happen. We do not get what we want or deserve usually. But we can do the right thing. That is what I think. [/QUOTE]
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