Our difficult child has a baby!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AppleCori, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    difficult child's girlfriend had the baby!

    My heart is so happy, yet kinda sad.

    I am hoping this is going to wake difficult child up!

    difficult child's mom called husband today at work to tell him that difficult child has had an epiphany and he wants to clean up his act and he wants to go back to college. The mom really believes he is serious this time.

    She let husband know that she told difficult child that dad (my husband) would likely pay for it (problem. not gonna happen, already been there done that) and they (difficult child, girlfriend, baby) would possibly be able to live with us!

    husband let her know that she can't decide that for us, but, my question is: would you let them move in?
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    congrats and, I'd offer some babysitting but .....nope. just me.
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Don't know how that frowny face got on my post!

    Anyway, thanks, Buddy, for your reply. I'm leaning that way too. Just way too early to know whether he is serious, and what if he's not?
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wouldnt unless things were dire and they were on the streets.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No I would not. But I have also made that clear to difficult child beforehand. She knows I will not support or raise any children she has.

    What mixed feelings you must have now. Sending good thoughts and hoping your difficult child finally wakes up.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'd take the baby whenever it was an option and not inconvenient. I would not let either one live in my house. If they felt they could not care for the baby, I *would* (me personally) offer to take legal custody. But the adult kids? They're adults. in my opinion, time for them to grow up and pay their own way and not depend on Mom to house and feed and put up with them. difficult child is a father now. in my humble opinion he needs a job to support his family. He can, if REALLY motivated, take classes at night.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Congratulations on being a grandmother! I can understand your mixed feelings for sure. I would not pay for school or have them live with me, just my opinion. His Mom shouldn't be negotiating his choices now, he's a man and a Dad and now it's up to him. If he needs help with anything, he should come to you, present his case, make pay back arrangements for a school loan, etc. Otherwise, you would be enabling him. If he has had an epiphany then that will carry him through doing all the 'hard stuff'' in order to wake up and do the right thing. This is his opportunity to grow up, do not get in his way by enabling him, allow him to man up on his own. Hugs to you grandma!
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Okay, congrats grandma! I need to know more information before I can really answer this.

    I am probably not the best person to answer this question because my oldest granddaughter, her father and her mom lived with us lived with us on and off for her first year. We have also had his daughter here quite a lot over her life. Cory has lived with us on and off most of us his adult life and she has been here with us. We did miss from 5-6.5 but now she is back and we are making up for lost time.

    Now, with Baby number two we told him he was completely on his own and we werent going to help him like we did with Keyana and we really havent. He has taken care of her almost completely though we do babysit her maybe one night a month. Now he did claim he was leaving his girlfriend one week a couple of months ago and he brought the baby with him and we allowed that. It was something I think any parent would do.
  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Congrats on a beautiful grandchild :)

    I think I'm with the others about them
    Not coming to live with you. I also would be open to a strong and committed plan to help for school funds if you have it. But I think I may expect something first as a sign of intention. Him doing all of the legwork to get into a program. Maybe a job from now until then that he sticks to and does good with.
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Congratulations! :O)

    We bring a dozen red roses and a bucket of Kentucky Fried when we go to see a new grandchild for the first time. Seems like a really good tradition, to us. Mom feels special, and everyone gets to eat together right there in the hospital. It's such a happy time, when a baby is born!

    And now, to answer the question:

    How do YOU feel about them moving in, Apple Cori? Are you willing to build lives around a young couple and their baby, or would your choice be to create your life with your husband without difficult child and family there?

    That has to be where your answer comes from. It was very unfair of difficult child's mom to offer your home and money. If she would like to help, she should have offered her own home, and her own money.

    There have to be solutions other than having the young family move in with either parent.

    Have you already checked what kinds of financial programs are available to young mothers/couples intending to go back to school? Now, while the hospital Social Workers are available, would be a good time to ask about program referrals. There are many support programs out there which cover tuition, living expenses, medical, and so on. This is where the kids should be looking, first. Whether their first apartment will be as comfortable as your home should not be an issue. Not to say that you would never help financially, but the basics should be settled by the young couple involved, with you and husband and that crazy mom who was so willing to volunteer your and your husband's life pitching in as needed.

    I really liked what Recovering said about difficult child coming to husband himself with a plan he has come up with himself. Trying to stuff the kids into what we've wanted all along doesn't usually work. difficult child needs to figure out the basics for himself and on his own. My response at this time would be exactly that. Something to the effect that I was happy for difficult child that he was thinking along those lines, and that, once he has it figured out, he can always come to me for help with the fine-tuning.

    I think the best thing that could happen would be if the baby's mom moved in with her mother. This would give difficult child the option of proving that he is willing to do what it takes to create and support a family. And if he chooses to go another way, the baby is safe.

    The other thing I sort of sense from difficult child's mom is that she sees the baby's birth as an opportunity to turn difficult child's life in a better direction. The magical bonding between mom, dad, and baby cannot happen if extended family is seeing the birth of the child as an opportunity to turn the difficult child's life around, and is trying too hard to make that happen. Either difficult child will stand up, or he won't. There is a fine line between helping, enabling, and enabling failure. difficult child and the mom need to feel, as we all felt when we had our children, that our baby depends on US.

    When daughter had her first baby, she and the baby lived with us. It worked beautifully. In time, she was connected with programs to help her set her life on a better path, and was able to move into her own apartment.

    Apple Cori, it sounds like this will be an uncertain time for you. It is difficult to know our role in a situation like this one. I think you will come through it beautifully. The only thing I would add is that you truly do not understand how special this baby is going to become, how big a part he or she is going to play in your lives. Putting all worry or regret aside for one night, truly celebrate that little person's arrival in a special way with your husband. Whatever happens with difficult child, this child will bring more joy to your lives than you can even imagine, right now.

    I was so horrified when my first grandchild was born that it never once occurred to me to celebrate her birth. Oh! If I had that to do over, knowing what I know now! Know what I would do? I would whisper to my new little granddaughter that, whatever happened with her parents, she and I were going to fall right in love with one another.

    Because that's what happened.

    And that's what will happen for you too, Apple Cori.


  11. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Paying for college at this point, especially if you've already been there done that, is not an option at all because he has to support his baby now. He has to work. I wouldn't let anyone move in. Only because I believe they will come to depend on you too much rather than figuring out what they need to doto get their lives in order...whether it be through services, programs, jobs.....I mean they've had 9 months to start figuring something out.

    on the other hand, it's easy for me to say sitting here, I know if it were me, I couldn't say no to the baby. I know I'm not much help. I would take the baby only.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Congrats! I could make a case both ways been there done that but really there are alot of variables. Weigh the pros and cons very carefully before you look at the sweet new baby and lose your rational thinking, lol. DDD
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all the good advice. I needed to hear it, especially the one about how we should not stand in the way of difficult child growing up by enabling him!

    husband has sometimes parented/enabled out of fear of being blamed if things go wrong. The X has conditioned him to believe everything is is responsibility and therefore his fault if anything bad happens. That is why husband did ALL the work signing difficult child up for college (after difficult child decided to go), paying for it, providing the car and gas to get there, nagging him to study, checked grades online, got him special help from his buddy who is in admin. at the college, reminded him of quizzes and tests, fought with difficult child for not wanting to do his homework or study, then had to hear how it was all his fault because difficult child never wanted to go to college in the first place.

    Now difficult child mom says that dad promised to pay for difficult child's college so he needs to fulfill his promise. I think difficult child burned that bridge already!

    As for difficult child and family coming to live with us, mom has been on a campaign to get us to take him back since we kicked him out one year ago. Guilt, manipulation, bargaining, dropping him off at our doorstep clothes in hand, and lately, making our visitation with 17yo difficult.

    We did get a call from one of husband's buddies, regarding difficult child. Seems he is applying for jobs (yey!) however, he put this guy down as a personal reference (without asking him) and the guy is not sure what to do. difficult child has burned bridges with this guy BIG TIME and poor guy has been put in a difficult position. Geez....
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Since the guy knows you enough to call you, maybe you could ask that as a favor to YOU, would he please give a good refereence. Yeah, the mom seems very manipulative...college is totally out the window, your husband did that already, he fulfilled that promise. He's 20 so dad is not obligated to do what she deems he needs to do.

    Don't engage mom in her little campaign. No is all you need to say, explanations are not needed. It will just cause this back and forth argument and all you need to say is ,"No." Just don't get involved or go there with her. They're divorced and she needs to worry about what she can do, NOT what your husband is doing. You'll have to be short, firm and brief in dealing with her. hugs
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Oh, how I wish husband would follow that advice (not getting into useless discussions with X)! It never gets him anywhere and only makes him upset.

    He is much better than he used to be, though.

    I told husband right after we found out about the pregnancy that the X would ask him to contribute money in some specific form. I think its a control thing.

    We are not going to help with college, at least not yet. husband may waver if difficult child gets in and does well on his own, but he is still angry about the way difficult child handled the college thing before, so he is not budging as of now.

    As far as letting them move in--we are going on vacation at the end of June and are not comfortable leaving them here alone, so husband has said no to that as well. We are hopeful that he has changed but, as they say, once bitten twice shy. And we've been bitten quite a few times.