Our holiday weekend...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Nov 29, 2011.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    was for the most part, okay.

    wm, for the most part, was polite & behaved well toward the family....except toward kt & myself. (Apparently kt & I are not family in wm's mind ~ we're punching bags.) Then the bleep hit the fan. For all the safety plans I had in place wm couldn't/wouldn't keep his hands off his twin or me.

    The straw that broke me (the camel was broken long ago) was when wm put kt in a choke hold & wouldn't let go. kt was turning blue & my brothers had to pull him off kt. wm's excuse was "we were just rough housing ~ siblings get to do that". Not even close, son.

    It was a long trip home ~ wm rode with me while kt rode with my niece & almost nephew. I left a day early with wm; there was no reason to punish kt because wm didn't hold it together.

    Before you all ask, I can't see anything that set wm off. He's seen family on & off over the years. This past summer I took wm down to visit family one on one.

    In my mind, there will be no kt & wm once they become adults. The team is already looking into declaring him a vulnerable adult & placing him in a group home or some other facility.

    It is what it is. I'm done looking to see a healthy or at the very least a functioning wm. I just don't see it happening. There's been too much damage done to him before I even met him. Likely while still in the womb. Who knows?

    Thanks for the ear.
     
  2. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I'm sorry that it did not turn out as well as you had hoped. It's sad that wm and kt will never be able to have a relationship.
     
  3. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Kudos to you for trying. It is all you can do. How sad to see a broken kid. I'm sorry for wm, sorry for you all. Not quite the parenting journey you imagined I am sure. Hugs to you and thanks for the update. I had been wondering how it went.
     
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Linda... :hugs:

    If wm is well behaved while not around kt... I'm wondering if perhaps there is something in his mind that perceives her as part of his own problem.

    I'm drawing on Jett's bad behavior this weekend with Onyxx around. But, yes, I think they are right to look at the vulnerable adult option... How long would it be until he would see someone who reminded him of kt?

    :sigh: more :hugs:.
     
  5. rdland

    rdland New Member

    I have been reading your posts of what is going on. I am sorry things did not go better. It is too bad they will never be able to have any kind of relationship but kudos to you or trying over the holiday.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs)))))

    I am sorry he is so damaged and unable to make safe choices. I still think that the trip was a good idea and you are a very loving, in-tune, and brave mom. You knew that the twins needed to have a chance to see if they could handle being together. Even if wm doesn't perceive that it isn't a good idea, kt will probably be able to see that and to keep safe from him as an adult, with support from you.

    I do think that with-o this trip, kt would be more likely to put herself into dangerous situations with wm, and now you can help her avoid them. That is important, in my humble opinion.

    I am sorry that you have had to give up that dream for them too. Deeming him a vulnerable adult is a good idea, esp if it will mean he has to have some supervision most of the time.
     
  7. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that for the most part everything was ok. I'm sorry to hear that wm couldn't keep it together and was choke-holding his twin. I know it hurts to know that your kid probably cannot function as an independent adult.

    ((hugs)) Take care of yourself!
     
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry the weekend didn't turn out as you had hoped, Linda. Hugs.
     
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    (((hugs)))
     
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'm sorry things didn't go as well as you - and all of us - hoped.

    How is kt holding up?
     
  11. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Given their abuse, in the immediate future I can not see one of them acting out their past abuse on the other. It is so deep and imbedded within the little kid part of their brains. It is primal. It will take decades of therapy, if ever, to decode that. The sad part is that they have to intrinsically love each other. They are twins, they survived the abuse together. Do they talk on the phone together? Do they text? Could that be a starting point? God I hope their bio parents got a life sentence - but I know that is impossible.
    HUGS to you...........for standing strong.
     
  12. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I'm so sorry Linda. Your intentions were right and you are a wonderful Mom for trying to give them what they missed out on. It sounds like wm just doesn't "get it". He likes the idea of having a twin sister but has no clue what the MEANS. I was really hoping things would have worked out for you and for them but some things just aren't meant to be. It is sad that his life has gone the way it has. One bright spot is that YOU have been there for him to give him some of the things he needed, even if it wasn't enough to "fix" the damage that was done.

    Bravo for trying. Your heart was in the right place. I admire you for all you have done for those two. Give yourself a pat on the back.
     
  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm sorry things went as they did and you had to cut your own visit short because of it, I know we were all hoping for much better. I am glad you had enough people there to take the situation in hand and do the physical separation that needed doing. How is kt taking it?
     
  14. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Sigh.

    I'm sorry Linda. I'm glad there were still good points to the visit but I wish it had gone better between them.
     
  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda,

    I'm sorry things didn't work out as planned - but then again, is there really every a plan? More of an expectation I would think.

    You have done this for the tweedles every six months to a year and it always seems to have complications and later consequences, especially for kt. Deeming wm a vulnerable adult is the best you can do for kt and wm moving forward.

    I'm sorry you had to cut your time with family short - it is lives with difficult children isn't it? Expect the unexpected, stay on the edge of your seat, and worry when things get quiet!

    Hugs to you Linda,
    Sharon
     
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Linda, just like the others, i think it is amazing you tried and that you are making hard decisions...

    I think for his legal protection declaring him vulnerable is for sure best. As much documentation as possible in case he is ever in a situation where outside authorities become involved from the justice system.

    This summer a kid in the pool was teaching Q about wrestling.... I tried to stop anything that went beyond tossing in the water...that was fun. but at one point Q asked me to ask the kid not to choke him anymore, he got really scared. But now, he is doing it on and off.... rare but he always does what people do to him or what he sees and it is always "bigger and badder"... wish I would have caught that, but it was more evidence why he can't be around behaviors. Sorry he did that, it is a scary one.
     
  17. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Linda.

    You've done everything you can do and then some. I agree that deeming wm a vulnerable adult is the right thing to do. Many hugs... SFR
     
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    :hugs:

    That type/level of abuse done that early, especially for a male (who's thinking reasoning processes are not like a females) is next to impossible to turn around. That doesn't mean one shouldn't try. Due to the strength and love of his new parents, Wm had every opportunity to heal. But sadly often that is not enough. The past is so engrained in Wm that I wonder if there is even any conscious thought to much of his behavior around Kt and even you.

    I hope they declare him vulnerable as an adult. Makes perfect sense as it's obvious that he it is so. And like step said, even if Kt is the trigger, someone with similar personality or appearance or even behaviors could trigger him in adulthood.

    There had better be a special area in hades for such parents as theirs.

    How did Kt handle the holiday? I'm sure with Wm being......well......Wm that had to throw her off her stride somewhat.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  19. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Linda, I'm so sorry that things didn't go as planned. Sending mega (((hugs))) to you!
     
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am glad you tried it. Now you know to not try it again. Poor Kt - I hope she is OK and does not regress backwards over the next few weeks.

    HUGS!!
     
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