our own mental health

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lordhelpme, Apr 17, 2007.

  1. lordhelpme

    lordhelpme New Member

    ok not to be nosey but how many of you are seeking counceling for yourselves due to the stress of having a difficult child?

    we are having financial issues not just difficult child issues but i am starting to feel like the walls are closing in.

    just when i feel like i am getting things under control something else happens.
  2. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    I absolutely need my own therapist...not only because I have my own issues with depression but because I need to vent to a neutral person. I am fortunate that my therapist knows my difficult child#1 and has seen her in action. I need someone to confide all my emotions, and help me put things into perspective.

    My husband and I also go to couples counseling as all of the things with the kids effect our marriage.
    I get sad when I read the signatures that describe their husband's as "their rock". Mine is not my rock...He gets stressed and impatient and doesn't know how to deal with all this. Sometimes I think I would be better without him. It's like having another difficult child!
  3. lordhelpme

    lordhelpme New Member

    i'm sorry about your husband. mine is my rock but i know that he too is starting to crumble. it is hard on everyone. i guess i asked this question cuz like you said it is nice to have a neutral party to talk to and also cuz i don't want to burden husband to the point that he can't bear the wgt for both of us.

  4. neednewtechnique

    neednewtechnique New Member


    It is PERFECTLY reasonable for you to be in counseling to help with coping, heck, some of us are even being medicated to help with our stress levels and feelings of depression. Think of it this way, in order for us to be the best, strongest parents we can be to ANY of our children, difficult child's or easy child's, we must be at 100% almost all the time. And if difficult child issues are bringing you down on a regular basis, NUMBER ONE, it is not good for YOU, and even as a parent, the best thing we can do for our children is take care of ourselves. You deserve to be happy, regardless of your children's state of mind. NUMBER TWO, our difficult child's are famous for taking the things they see about us and using them against us. So if you are feeling this bogged down, you better bet your difficult child will notice and will most likely find a way to take advantage of that to find ways to hurt you.

    I apologize if that sounds brutal, but its the truth. And if we all think about it, we will remember at least a few times that difficult child has found a way to "hit below the belt" during a rage. And remembering those times, most of us would realize that in order to hit an issue like that head on, we really MUST BE at 100%, not only for our sanity, but for our self-esteem, and also to be able to take a very personal attack and make it an IMPERSONAL issue. If we take the things our difficult child says personally, they will no doubt hurt us. Our difficult child has called me a b**ch, she has told me that she hates me, and the ever famous "you're not my mother" has even come up a few times. Some parents may cry if they hear their child tell them they hate them, but the truth is, whether difficult child's or easy child's, at some point in the adolescent years (sometimes even younger) your child is very likely to tell you that they hate you. If they don't, that's when I would be worried.

    I currently take about 150mg of Zoloft every morning when I wake up, plus my husband and I BOTH attend weekly counseling. We have actually worked out a great arrangement with our difficult child's therapist. She will always see our difficult child alone on Tuesdays, but then after she sees difficult child, she will either see my husband and I alone, or she will see one or the other of us WITH our difficult child, some weeks she sees all three of us together, and other weeks it will be him or I individually. This has helped because it allows us the flexibility to get through counseling the most effective way possible, depending on the issues that have come up during the week. The therapist has even offered to do some child therapy with our littler easy child's to help them cope with the mental and emotional trauma that our difficult child has caused them. Our difficult child has lashed out physically at me, but, Thank the Lord, NEVER physically lashed out at our smaller children. Which I am thankful for, but in the same hand, while bumps and bruises heal over time, emotional scars last much longer and are more difficult to heal, especially for such fragile spirits as a 5 year old and a 3 year old.

    Sorry, I kind of got off track there, but bottom line is, there is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in going to counseling, or even asking for medication to help you through. Not only are you helping yourself, but you are ultimately helping your entire family, and especially your children.
  5. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Hi Coleen. I can say without a doubt that without counselling for myself and my beloved wife, we would never have seen the limited progress our difficult child has made.

    To be sure, our marriage was aready in that "what's going on phase" that happens after 20 years or so. But the sudden onset of difficult child-itis last year nearly pushed us over the edge. At first, I was the only one going, and worried that my marriage would disolve. But it was all I could do to keep myself together, and someone needed to keep a somewhat clear head to navigate these new waters.

    I got the help, and it only put me more at odds with wife. Eventually, though, during a third-party evaluation of our son where we were both present, we first heard about ODD (doctor called it "reflexive rebellion"), and that the best way to work with ODD kids was to address issues while avoiding their triggers. wife couldn't do that, so she sought help as well. I can honestly say that we now function as a team, and it's helped our son, our relationship, and our overall family.

    Now, if you ask my other kids, we're more like a "tag-team" because we each have our up and down days, but usually not at the same time.

    So yes, we get counselling. Yes, it was needed for both our sanity, and to help us learn that our own actions (or reactions) could be used against us by our difficult child. Lucky for me, my therapist happens to also be my son's therapist. This allows him to work with both of us, individually and together, to try and address the biggest issues. He often acts as a neutral party, mediating between the two parties (sounds crazy I know, but I have another post about the fact that there is no more parent/child relationship with our difficult child, so we have to deal with him as an adult - even though he isn't one).

    Since I was a major difficult child myself, I guess this is also the therapy I needed but never got.

    Lots of words, but the end result is that therapy helps us; without it, I can't imagine where our lives might be right now.

    Peace and grace to you and yours.

  6. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    And all God's people said AMEN!


    Can't be a lifeguard if you're too weak to swim. Can't help a kid in need if your own needs are holding you down.

    Get the help you need, if you need it.

  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I went to counseling with and without my then husband and ant. when they both refused to cooperate, I had counseling from both a licensed psychologist as well as Christian counseling to help me detach and let go.
    It helped a lot.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh, heck yeah.

    I see a psychiatrist every 3 months. I see a therapist every other week. I also attend AA meetings. That used to be weekly but that has slipped to the wayside. My fellow AAs are my "rock" since difficult child's father (dex) is so clueless. He's more of a, um, bowl of pudding than a rock.

    If it were not for my support system, there is no way I could handle my difficult child.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I see a therapist every other week; if need be every week. If nothing else, he keeps me balanced in an objective way. No emotional demands placed on me - more what is it I need?

    It's important to take care of yourself.
  10. flachic

    flachic New Member

    I have in the past, I will again, but I just left my therapist (also was my difficult child's). His new one will meet with-us (parents) whenever we want and I definitely know I need the support. Especially since a.) my difficult child is a mini-me and will do everything I do, to most degrees and b.) I am very reactionary & need to learn better coping skills.

    I'm all for it.