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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 334463" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi Lily, </p><p></p><p>I want to preface my post to you by saying welcome, but to tell you that this is Parents Emeritus, and while I know you personally have not been here in our family a lot or long? This is kinda where the rubber meets the road for a lot of Moms, self included. Some of what you may read here isn't easy to handle without a box of kleenex standing by for yourself. Mostly because it's the truth, and it's hard, and we want the fix for our kids not tough love. We (as Mom's) want to have that one more thing, the save, the miracle, the bail our kids out, the show them the love that will work this time. </p><p></p><p>As you can see by the above responses and believe me these ladies know what they are telling you as fact; it hasn't been easy for any of us. The greatest injustice you can do for your son at this point? Save him again, fix this for him again, bail him out. Does it hurt your heart? Like crazy. Is jail where you pictured him being when you held him as an infant? Nope. Has life dealt him an unfair hand and this is just one more unfair thing? Who knows. Is taking him out of jail going to make it any better for him or you? No. Will he appreciate it? NO. Will he change like he tells you he will? No. Will he respect you more, stop doing the lying the stealing, the dealing that he's been doing for years because you do? Absolutely not. The only thing that will change is that he will once again manipulate YOU and YOUR HOME will once again be chaotic. </p><p></p><p>None of us that have had our kids in jail like it. ALL of us who have had or HAVE kids in jail think "Wow now this is great." With the exception of knowing where they are, not being on the streets - it's not where we want them at all. Some of us honestly even are secretly glad when they are IN jail because if they're IN there? They aren't OUT THERE worrying us more. </p><p></p><p>Then of course there is the worry - What will he think of us if we DO NOT GET HIM OUT. Well, what he SHOULD be thinking is WHAT MUST THEY THINK OF ME FOR BEING IN HERE. YOU need to change YOUR mind frame to almost (almost) an aire of actually BEING a parent and not a best friend. It's OKAY to be UPSET that he's in there. It's OKAY to be disappointed in him and let him KNOW IT. It's OKAY to not visit, NOT accept his phone calls, IT"S OKAY TO HANG UP if he gets mouthy. It's OKAY to set limits and say I'm the PARENT and tough cookies man. It's okay to say "I love you AND I'm not bailing you out." YOu got yourself INTO this - where are you going when you get out......start making plans now - you can't come home. </p><p></p><p>LET HIM WORRY ABOUT HIM FOR A WHILE - and YOU take a break from it. LET HIM BE RESPONSIBLE....FOR HIM. </p><p></p><p>We are in the process of doing this now with our own son and it's hard...it's weird....and it's taking back the control...in small steps as I can...but something had to happen. We actually said "If this doesn't happen in X days then XX needs to happen...what are YOU going to do?" Instead of ME figuring it out....HE's worrying about HIMSELF....and now I have time to breath. </p><p></p><p>If my son goes to jail again? He stays....I won't even visit. I had a stroke the last time...so I can't do it again. Do yourself a favor find a psychiatrist, get a good MD, get on a worthy Anti-depressant.....and find your life again. It takes time, so if you start now?? In five years you may have something for yourself. And so may your son. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here. Welcome. </p><p></p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 334463, member: 4964"] Hi Lily, I want to preface my post to you by saying welcome, but to tell you that this is Parents Emeritus, and while I know you personally have not been here in our family a lot or long? This is kinda where the rubber meets the road for a lot of Moms, self included. Some of what you may read here isn't easy to handle without a box of kleenex standing by for yourself. Mostly because it's the truth, and it's hard, and we want the fix for our kids not tough love. We (as Mom's) want to have that one more thing, the save, the miracle, the bail our kids out, the show them the love that will work this time. As you can see by the above responses and believe me these ladies know what they are telling you as fact; it hasn't been easy for any of us. The greatest injustice you can do for your son at this point? Save him again, fix this for him again, bail him out. Does it hurt your heart? Like crazy. Is jail where you pictured him being when you held him as an infant? Nope. Has life dealt him an unfair hand and this is just one more unfair thing? Who knows. Is taking him out of jail going to make it any better for him or you? No. Will he appreciate it? NO. Will he change like he tells you he will? No. Will he respect you more, stop doing the lying the stealing, the dealing that he's been doing for years because you do? Absolutely not. The only thing that will change is that he will once again manipulate YOU and YOUR HOME will once again be chaotic. None of us that have had our kids in jail like it. ALL of us who have had or HAVE kids in jail think "Wow now this is great." With the exception of knowing where they are, not being on the streets - it's not where we want them at all. Some of us honestly even are secretly glad when they are IN jail because if they're IN there? They aren't OUT THERE worrying us more. Then of course there is the worry - What will he think of us if we DO NOT GET HIM OUT. Well, what he SHOULD be thinking is WHAT MUST THEY THINK OF ME FOR BEING IN HERE. YOU need to change YOUR mind frame to almost (almost) an aire of actually BEING a parent and not a best friend. It's OKAY to be UPSET that he's in there. It's OKAY to be disappointed in him and let him KNOW IT. It's OKAY to not visit, NOT accept his phone calls, IT"S OKAY TO HANG UP if he gets mouthy. It's OKAY to set limits and say I'm the PARENT and tough cookies man. It's okay to say "I love you AND I'm not bailing you out." YOu got yourself INTO this - where are you going when you get out......start making plans now - you can't come home. LET HIM WORRY ABOUT HIM FOR A WHILE - and YOU take a break from it. LET HIM BE RESPONSIBLE....FOR HIM. We are in the process of doing this now with our own son and it's hard...it's weird....and it's taking back the control...in small steps as I can...but something had to happen. We actually said "If this doesn't happen in X days then XX needs to happen...what are YOU going to do?" Instead of ME figuring it out....HE's worrying about HIMSELF....and now I have time to breath. If my son goes to jail again? He stays....I won't even visit. I had a stroke the last time...so I can't do it again. Do yourself a favor find a psychiatrist, get a good MD, get on a worthy Anti-depressant.....and find your life again. It takes time, so if you start now?? In five years you may have something for yourself. And so may your son. I'm glad you're here. Welcome. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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