Out Of Control 16 y/o SS

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

My stepson (16 years old, 6'5'", 250#) strangled my W (his mother) after he became angry that she woke him from a nap in the middle of the day. I saw the whole thing. He wrapped his hands around her throat, physically lifted her up off the floor and then threw her back onto the couch. My W hit her head on an end table. I screamed at stepson to get away from her and go into his room. He obeyed. W was not seriously injured although his attack did temporarily damage her vision. I wanted to call 911 and have him arrested/hospitalized immediately, my W asked me not to do so, so I did not. We called his father (with whom he lives) and his father came to pick him up. Following the incident there were several emergency therapy sessions - SS has a long history of emotional problems and anger issues, and has been in therapy off and on since the age of 10.He has a younger brother (SS#2) whom he has attacked also by the way. The little brother also witnessed this incident and had a meltdown of his own.

Therapy helped to re-normalize day to day interactions however, SS never apologized or displayed one iota of remorse for his behavior.

He has not tried to attack her again, however he did become violent with his father after this episode, and as a result he was hospitalized. Father did not want any consequences for this child, my W and I insisted that he be hospitalized. We also asked that he receive an evaluation for an IEP due to his emotional problems causing him to fail in school, although he is extremely intelligent. Due to all of these issues, SS blames us for "ruining his life" and has cut off all contact with us for the time being.

I can still see my SS attacking my W. The experience of witnessing his assault of my spouse re-ignited a lot of early traumatic experiences from my upbringing. I am in counseling getting help for this. My issue though is that my W wants me to be open to allowing this SS back into our home. I have told my W that I would need firm conditions for that to happen, including a frank sit down discussion between myself and SS about the expectations for his behavior. At the moment it is a moot point, he hates us both and never intends to see us again, but he is just 15 years old and a child.

I see so many stories and know so many people who go through this. It truly never ends in some cases. I will need to protect myself from this insanity and violence, even if it means living apart from my W at some point in the future.Witnessing his assault of my W caused me to regress somewhat, I am now re-experiencing other traumatic incidents from my own childhood. It really opened Pandora's box and I feel very strongly that I am not safe around SS, and neither is W. W has told me she has premonitions that SS will kill her one day.

The sense of helplessness and hopelessness is a very familiar one. I have not come this far, at the age of nearly 50, to live in fear once again. At the same time I need to be sure I am not overreacting. At the moment there is no danger because there is no SS in the picture. But that could change at any moment and that is what I worry about.

 

[pasajes4]

I would not let him back in my home. Your wife's safety and the safety of anyone else in the house must come first. If his mother wants to see him, it should be in a public place. I would have called the police. Sometimes that's what it takes for the person to get the message. Mental illness does not cause most people to become violent.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Thanks, that is my feeling as well.

My larger fear is that 10 years from now, SS will be 26 and in the same situation. My W told me that she would expect me to "give him a chance" if he needed to live with us to "find his way" as a young adult. I lived with my mother for a while as an adult to recover from job loss and her point was that I should be understanding for this reason. I had to actually EXPLAIN to my W that I never assaulted my mother.

I try hard not to live in the future but this kid is a shadow over our lives.

 

[BusynMember]

You cant control what your wife wants. I would have called the cops on him no matter what my spouse did or didnt want me to do. I dont tolerate violence. if wife insists on seeing him and considers the hospital a consequence (its not a punishment...he is sick and needs medical treatment) then if you want to stay married to her, you can still remove yourself from danger, even if she won't do the same.

If he comes over again, leave. Stay away until he is gone. Your wife is playing with fire. This young man is a serious threat to anyone who is in the wrong place at the wrong time. im amazed neither parent isnt desperate to get him intensive help before he reaches eighteen.

Take care of yourself, but you cant make anyone else do the same. Have you been married ling? im wondering how long he has been this way.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

I agree. I would not allow him back in my home. That is a dangerous child. He could have killed your wife. She is actually lucky he didn't.

Are you an your wife in therapy together? If she is not concerned for her will-being, is she concerned for yours?

Having had an abusive childhood, I, also, do not allow any type of violence in my home.

Also, just living in a violent and turbulent home, even if you aren't a victim of the violence, is very traumatic to a child.

I would not be in the home with this child. Ever. (at his size it is very difficult to think of him as a child) I would tell you wife if he is in the home you are leaving, but I think that would be very emotionally difficult for you as you comprehend that he could easily kill her.

Call the police any time he is violent, regardless of what your wife says.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

This child (let's call him Monster Son) has been troubled for years. I have known him since he was 13. There was a lot of history before I came on the scene, for both length and Internet privacy reasons, I won't go into it all here. There has been a very high degree of dysfunction for this child's entire life, as well as that of his 18 months younger brother. My W had a high conflict divorce with her ex (their father) and they are still unable to interact in a civil way most of the time. My W chose to allow her ex to have physical custody of both of them. We had every other weekend visitation which was interrupted first after this violent episode, then after therapy sessions led to a resumption of visitation for a few months the children simply stopped coming (refused to get in the car to come over here and Dad wouldn't make them). So at present we are estranged from both though younger son has been in some contact with us.

I have had a good relationship with both children during my marriage to their mom. That began to change with respect to MS when I made it clear to him that his behavior was out of control and not acceptable. I was also instrumental in pushing his parents to have him evaluated for an IEP (before that I convinced them he needed a 504 plan), which he viewed as the ultimate betrayal. So MS and I are not on good terms any longer. He cannot tolerate being told 'no'; he tries to use charm and negotiation tactics to get his way and if that doesn't work, he hasi a temper tantrum and/or a crying fit.

Everybody is in therapy both separately and together. The monster son has been in and out of therapy since the age of 10. My W has told me the initial therapy was for "anger issues." He has been telling my W that he hates her since that time. He has a fascination with strangulation, which I find chilling. He strangled his little brother, he strangled his mother, he has also gotten physical with his father. About a year ago he put his arm around my W (in a friendly way) and said calmly, "I could put my hands around your neck and squeeze you until you are dead." He said this like he was talking about the weather. My W did not react and didn't seem alarmed! This took place before the actual strangulation episode occurred.

Monster son was in a day program for anxiety after he was taken to the ER for assaulting his father. At present he has two therapists, one for medications and one for talk therapy. He is making no progress. The psychiatrist tells us she cannot get through to him and that he has no insight into his behavior; everything is someone else's fault. His talk therapist (who is a school social worker with a side business ie; not well qualified) will not talk to us at all about his progress. The monster son refuses to be anywhere my W is; he refused to come to his brother's 8th grade graduation because my W was going to be there, and his father allowed that. His father has no rules and no consequences for his children. Both boys can do what they please. The younger son has more motivation and sense of right and wrong. Monster son has neither. He is an entitled sociopath. He cannot wake up on time, he cannot cook for himself or wash his own clothes, and he doesn't do his schoolwork. Excuses are made for him by everyone.

He's very intelligent but cannot follow the basic rules of life. He cannot give or receive love, he quits rather than put in effort in any scenario, be it his schoolwork, goals for the future, taking responsibility for his actions, anything. It is a terrible and tragic situation. I cannot control my W, you are right. All I can do is take care of myself and encourage her to face the fact that her son is a dangerous individual. She does have a sense of this, I think it's just been a slower recognition for her. It must be very difficult, with this being her biological child, to accept that he is so cold-blooded and merciless.

 

[AnnieO]

OK... I have a little bit of different insight, perhaps.

My SD - Belle - was VERY violent. Things have changed over the last years, but at one point I was truly terrified and felt trapped. I thought I HAD to put up with her behavior. Bill (my hubby) had his head stuck in the sand for a very long time.

SOMETHING happened, somewhere along the line. Bill and his ex had a VERY high conflict divorce/custody battle, and that contributed to it. However... People making excuses for him is making it worse.

Your wife is not protecting herself. YOU have to protect YOU. Please don't try to make her believe he is horrible... Just protect as best you can.

Not knowing EVERYTHING, I can't say exactly what is wrong, but from a stepmother's point of view, please don't call him "monster". He knows how you feel, trust me. If there has been a lot of conflict in his life, it is possible that he suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)). I can't make that call. The therapy is a good starting point.

My answer has been really disjointed, but I hope you can understand that I mean the best.

 

[FlowerGarden]

I wouldn't let him into my house again. He's deliberately tormenting your wife by not seeing her. He's basically trying to control your wife. Hopefully, she will see this eventually. I'd be on the alert for drugs, also. My son got more physical when he started using. If he does get physical or threatening around your wife again, please call the police. It's the only way to get him the help he needs, at least, for us it was. Took us about 3 years to finally get him court ordered into residential for his problems. It helped.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Thanks FG. I agree with you about the drugs. He is non compliant with his prescribed psychiatric medications and suffers from anxiety, so I can definitely see him self-medicating with narcotics.

I also agree that he is trying to hurt my W by not talking to her. He's a manipulator who enjoys hurting others.

If it takes us three years he'll be 19, so the ship may be sailed as far as getting him into residential. We'll see how it goes. Barring a miraculous self-revelation for him, which I believe to be unlikely, he is probably headed for a very troubled adulthood. I pity the young woman who dates him because my personal belief is that he is going to abuse his partners, if not worse than that. He hates women.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Culturanta,

I think you are in a really bad position in that you are powerless. ...and it sucks. I think that you have the right idea, though. You know, at this point, that you can only protect yourself. Emotionally and physically. Hopefully, by attending therapy with your wife you can help her understand that this child is truly a danger.

I will, again, agree with all the others, and with you, actually. I would not allow him in my home. I realize, unfortunately, as he is your wife's bio son, you may not have total control over that, but I would express, clearly, and in no uncertain terms, to your wife that if she does allow him back in the home that, in order to protect your well-being, you will not be present. Again, call the police any time there is violence or threats of violence, regardless of your wife's wishes.

He sounds like a very troubled young man. Your description of him is very disturbing. I think that the fact that the psychiatrist is saying that he lacks any insight at all, and the fact that he has been violent in the past and continues to have violent thoughts is very frightening.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, AnnieO. I will never see this situation the way a bio parent would - it's just not possible. I did not give birth to this child and I didn't help to raise him. As I believe I stated earlier, I met him when he was 13. He was not this volatile at that time. Once he entered high school things got worse over a period of time. Mid-sophomore year, he became violent with his father and was hospitalized. After that he stopped speaking to his mother and to me.

I agree it's not good that I view him as a monster, but I can't help the way I feel. I hate him. If I never saw him again, I would be happy.

 

[BusynMember]

THIS BEHAVIOR would scare anyone, biological child or not. Raised from birth or not.

A friend of mine, who died at 42 (nothing to do with her son) adopted a two and one year old sibling group. The one year old boy was never right. His birthmother had schizophrenia. The little boy was in and out of hospitals from very early on. My friend and her husband loved him very much. He was adorable, smart and affectionate.

He was their only boy. Eventually they received custody of an older relative and an infant girl.

The boy would have fits that were dangerous and the police had to be called all the time, especially as he got older. He was found, at around pre puberty, with computer downloads of very young naked girls and admitted he was attracted to his baby sister.

He has never lived at home since. He does come home for short holidays but is watched every minute. It must have been so hard for him to hear his mother died suddenly when he had been in his group home.

Although I feel sorry for him as he did not live at home long enough to injure anyone too greatly, I understand why he couldn't and never will be allowed to live with his family again. He was on his way to seriously hurting people and pets and sexually molesting very young girls. His father is now with a lady who has two young cbildren and one is a girl. So two girls much younger than him now live there.

Some kids are sadly too damaged to live in a family. SS sounds like he is big enough and old enough to harm society. It is one thing to harm oneself and another to be a threat to others.

I hope you protect yourself, SS2 and pets. I hope your wife sees the danger too someday.