Out of Control Teen

[JStevens]

Hello,

First off, I am new to this forum. My difficult child is a 15 year old Female. She is ODD and probably Bipolar, but not CD.

We’ve tried counseling. We’ve instituted a Behavioral Contract, but she refuses to follow the rules. We can ground her, but she leaves the house anyways. We take away her privileges and she doesn’t care. It’s not like we can lock her in her room.

What do you do when your difficult child refuses to follow the rules and doesn’t care about the consequences?

Thanks.

 

[KTMom91]

Welcome to the group! This is an amazing place that has helped me in so many ways. My only suggestion is to call the police and report her as out of control. I don't know where you are, but in our town they'd rather prevent than detain. After I called, a very nice officer came by and had a chat with Miss KT, explained the juvenile justice process, and said he didn't want to have come back here. It didn't solve all the problems, but has toned down the more extreme ones.

 

[klmno]

If she is bipolar, I don't think any behavior contract will do much until that is adequately treated with medications. Has she had any psychiatric evaluation or neurologocal testing done? My difficult child was completely out of control until he either became stable after cycling or started getting some medication treatment. Counseling alone, behavior contracts, nothing else helped at all- aactually, these things seemed to just keep making it worse at the time.

 

[meowbunny]

First, welcome. Then, some questions. What is she doing when she leaves? Mine would run to the mall and shoplift. Compared to some kids, that's actually pretty mild. Is this behavior new or just escalating from when she was younger? Any chance drugs are involved?

If drugs are a factor, you have a whole different set of problems and I'd be looking at rehab if you think it is extreme. No matter what she says, I would insist she get drug tested (no warning on that one), just test her. There are some good ones you can buy but make sure they are for more than just marijuana. Get one that will test for as many types of drugs as possible. If you're pretty sure she's not using, it is something that has to be considered.

Sometimes calling the police can be helpful. A lot depends on their attitude and what programs your police department has in place. I called mine and made an appointment to see a watch commander (not an on-the-street cop, but someone who was at least a lieutenant or higher). The captain I spoke to gave me the options I had with the department. None were really acceptable to me, so I ended up finding an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for her to go to.

You can make her life as miserable as she is making yours. Remember, the law says you have to provide food, shelter, clothing. No one says what the quality of any of those items has to be -- Goodwill is as good as Hilfiger; a mattress on the floor with a blanket is as acceptable as the canopy bed; rice and peas is really okay. I'm not advocating going to this extreme but there are things she can lose like electronics, especially those in her room. She can find her own way to get to places, no rides or use of car if she drives. (If she drives, that is a privilege I would take away until she shows a lot more maturity and responsibility.) I'd also take away any allowance or financial handouts. She can bring lunch from home and skip the school the food, etc. Basically, let her see what life is like when mom and dad aren't there to give her everything she thinks she needs and deserves. You give those things out of love, you are entitled to respect in return. No respect, no good stuff.

I wish you the best. Teen years are difficult at best. When you have a teen who thinks the rules don't apply to them at all, it goes from difficult to almost impossible.

 

[BusynMember]

Do you suspect she may be using drugs or alcohol? If so, I"d teen on the Teen Forum. Many experienced mothers of teens there!
I also think she need a diagnosis and medical treatment. Bipolar can't be controlled by behavioral therapy. I should know. I have it! One thing I know from experience. Get her help NOW--even if she needs residential or, if into drugs, drug rehab. It's almost impossible to keep a child that age in the house if she doesn't want to stay. My daughter used to sneak out her window at night. She was totally out of control and very into drug use, and we never dreamed OUR child was on drugs. We thought she tried pot and that was it. Hahaha. Try ecstascy, snorting ADHD drugs alone or with coke, a couple injections of heroine...she did the gamut, yet all we thought was "maybe pot sometimes." Never underestimate the sneakiness of a kid on drugs.
Welcome!

 

[LoneStar14]

Don't forget about prescriptions laying around the house. If it isn't a current prescription, throw it out. If it is, lock it up.

 

[Star*]

Welcome to the best group of folks for support. When you have a child like ours sometimes you tend to feel alone and like no one else in the world is going through the same things.

A little back ground on your daughter would help us point you in the right direction - and take all the paper you need. (metaphorically speaking)

Just know you're welcome here, nothing is too outrageous or unbelievable, and you have support now.

Sending hugs and strength your way - shine up your warrior mom armor sister 'cause you're going to get help with your battle plans.

Hugs
Star

 

[pinevalley]

Welcome to this board. You will find many people here who understand just what you are going through.
I have a teen-ager who is often out of control, so I know just how hard it is to parent a difficult child. One method that works for my husband and I is that we determine one or two things that mean the most to our difficult child, and then we take these priviledges away if he is out of control. We have refused to drive him anywhere he wants to go as one of his punishments, and we don't let him get a ride with his friends either. Since our son can't drive yet, he is totally dependent on us for rides everywhere. I would also be very careful about calling the police on your difficult child, unless you know how they handle teens. We called the police on our son, and they told us that once they came to our house they had to handcuff our son and arrest him. You may be forced to call the police in order to keep your difficult child in your house, but it is a good idea to find out what the police will do before you have to call them. Good luck, and best wishes,

 

[LoneStar14]

Well, we can't handcuff them or lock them up. That would be child abuse. Unfortantely, that happens way too often.

You have to be careful about taking away too much. They can get to a point where it doesn't matter. It starts to be counterproductive. We've been there. It got to where it was okay so I lose one more thing. They stop caring even more.

There is some great advice here. I would defintitely check the drug angle, and as I said before, prescriptions.

 

[HeyM0MXtwo]

Hi! I too am dealing with a child who does this. She is my 13 year old step daughter. She has no regards for any of our rules, she does whatever she wants to even if we tell her no, she curses at me and slams things, punches walls. She has lost all her priviledges yet continues to access things behind our back. She goes outside when she wants, comes in when she wants. It is horrible! I am in the process of getting in home counseling, because short of drugging her and dragging her sleeping to the car, she refuses to go to counseling.

Hello,

First off, I am new to this forum. My difficult child is a 15 year old Female. She is ODD and probably Bipolar, but not CD.

We’ve tried counseling. We’ve instituted a Behavioral Contract, but she refuses to follow the rules. We can ground her, but she leaves the house anyways. We take away her privileges and she doesn’t care. It’s not like we can lock her in her room.

What do you do when your difficult child refuses to follow the rules and doesn’t care about the consequences?

Thanks.