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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 659612" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Julie, you are getting some good feedback, I think. </p><p></p><p>I'm sure there is a lot more to your story, but based on what you wrote here, here are my thoughts:</p><p></p><p>1. If nothing changes, nothing changes.</p><p>2. You will have to instigate the change. She never will.</p><p>3. Your house, your rules. </p><p>4. Keep it simple, whatever you decide to start doing. I used to try to write up a whole long list of rules. I couldn't keep up with them myself. He sure didn't. It drove me nuts. </p><p>5. Start doing one thing different. As someone said, that one thing could be, no internet in the house at night. Or it could be, no more cell phone. I remember one time on this board, someone did this: the young adult had to leave the house when they did, and couldn't come back until they did. </p><p>6. If your daughter has a mental illness, most, if not all, mental illness is highly treatable. But the person has to agree to be treated. As long as there is a safety net that enables the current situation, the person has no motivation to change. A person in the grip of addiction, immaturity or mental illness or whatever dysfunctional behavior they are experiencing, has to want to change. Most have to be sick and tired enough of their current situation---it has to be unpleasant enough---to want to change. </p><p></p><p>I used to get all caught up in the "does he have a mental illness that he can't help this behavior?" I would spin and spin and spin with that. If he did, what was the right thing to do, for me? I couldn't throw him out, could I? wouldn't that be wrong and cruel? </p><p></p><p>I finally came to this, for me. If the person is psychotic and doesn't know right from wrong or up from down, that is one thing. If the person isn't in that scenario, the person is responsible for his or her own behavior. And that means they have to experience the consequences of that behavior. Which means, for me, that I am not going to enable or participate with people who don't want to work their way toward being a contributing, functional member of society. As long as you are trying, I can see measurable progress (not words, but action) and things are changing, I'm with you all the way. </p><p></p><p>But you have to start the change. Not me. <strong><u> As long as we are more upset about their lives than they are, nothing will change. </u></strong></p><p><strong><u></u></strong></p><p>I know this is very hard to watch. Your daughter is your precious daughter, and I am sure you are heartsick and scared at the current situation. I know because I have been there myself. I could not begin to imagine, early on, what it was going to take, from me, in order to give my son the chance he needed to change. It required enormous change from me, setting the toughest boundaries imaginable. Allowing him to live on the street for months. Allowing him to stay in jail for months. Not allowing him into my home for months.</p><p></p><p>These are decisions I didn't come to easily at all, and they occurred over a period of years. I at first set much more lenient boundaries. And nothing changed. It only got worse.</p><p></p><p>I had to change. I had to change myself enormously and I had to learn new ways of thinking and behaving. The feelings were very hard to live with and I had to disconnect my feelings from my thinking and my behaving. That was a new skill I had to learn. </p><p></p><p>Please know that we have compassion for you and for your situation. We know this is the hardest stuff you will likely ever do in your life. We care about you and we are here to support you, whatever you decide to do. We will give you lots of ideas, and you will need to decide what might work for you. We respect that, we understand. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs today. </p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 659612, member: 17542"] Hi Julie, you are getting some good feedback, I think. I'm sure there is a lot more to your story, but based on what you wrote here, here are my thoughts: 1. If nothing changes, nothing changes. 2. You will have to instigate the change. She never will. 3. Your house, your rules. 4. Keep it simple, whatever you decide to start doing. I used to try to write up a whole long list of rules. I couldn't keep up with them myself. He sure didn't. It drove me nuts. 5. Start doing one thing different. As someone said, that one thing could be, no internet in the house at night. Or it could be, no more cell phone. I remember one time on this board, someone did this: the young adult had to leave the house when they did, and couldn't come back until they did. 6. If your daughter has a mental illness, most, if not all, mental illness is highly treatable. But the person has to agree to be treated. As long as there is a safety net that enables the current situation, the person has no motivation to change. A person in the grip of addiction, immaturity or mental illness or whatever dysfunctional behavior they are experiencing, has to want to change. Most have to be sick and tired enough of their current situation---it has to be unpleasant enough---to want to change. I used to get all caught up in the "does he have a mental illness that he can't help this behavior?" I would spin and spin and spin with that. If he did, what was the right thing to do, for me? I couldn't throw him out, could I? wouldn't that be wrong and cruel? I finally came to this, for me. If the person is psychotic and doesn't know right from wrong or up from down, that is one thing. If the person isn't in that scenario, the person is responsible for his or her own behavior. And that means they have to experience the consequences of that behavior. Which means, for me, that I am not going to enable or participate with people who don't want to work their way toward being a contributing, functional member of society. As long as you are trying, I can see measurable progress (not words, but action) and things are changing, I'm with you all the way. But you have to start the change. Not me. [B][U] As long as we are more upset about their lives than they are, nothing will change. [/U][/B] I know this is very hard to watch. Your daughter is your precious daughter, and I am sure you are heartsick and scared at the current situation. I know because I have been there myself. I could not begin to imagine, early on, what it was going to take, from me, in order to give my son the chance he needed to change. It required enormous change from me, setting the toughest boundaries imaginable. Allowing him to live on the street for months. Allowing him to stay in jail for months. Not allowing him into my home for months. These are decisions I didn't come to easily at all, and they occurred over a period of years. I at first set much more lenient boundaries. And nothing changed. It only got worse. I had to change. I had to change myself enormously and I had to learn new ways of thinking and behaving. The feelings were very hard to live with and I had to disconnect my feelings from my thinking and my behaving. That was a new skill I had to learn. Please know that we have compassion for you and for your situation. We know this is the hardest stuff you will likely ever do in your life. We care about you and we are here to support you, whatever you decide to do. We will give you lots of ideas, and you will need to decide what might work for you. We respect that, we understand. Warm hugs today. [B][U][/U][/B] [/QUOTE]
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