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Overwhelmed by ODD and AD/HD in difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="TerryJ2" data-source="post: 372280" data-attributes="member: 3419"><p>Welcome Odd, so sorry it's so bad in your household.</p><p>WW presented some great ideas. I hope they are useful to you.</p><p>Interesting that your husband is also ADHD.</p><p>I know what you mean when you observe that your son is tearing up his most prized possessions. My son has done that. I've asked him numerous times why he did it and he said he didn't know, just that he was really mad. He couldn't help it.</p><p>It is a very out-of-control, helpless feeling. I have contributed to it by yelling at my son, when I should have been helping him calm down. But it's like it's contagious--hearing those screams and that foul language, having things hurled at me just makes me want to fight back. I have learned not to spank and yell--at least, I don't yell as much <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> and it makes a big difference. </p><p>I would try restricting your son's diet--cut out dyes and additives. Make lots of homemade foods (just what you want to do when you're low on energy, right? Not!) He will be curious and want to eat the batter, and probably say it's awful no matter what you make, but trust me, he won't starve.</p><p> </p><p>In the meantime, the most important thing I can suggest is to learn to detach. It has taken me yrs, literally. The sad part is, it isn't a steady decrease--it's like healing from surgery or something. I now have many more good days in regard to detachment, but still backslide on occasion. When you say you can feel what your child feels, that is a good thing, because you must be able to understand b4 you can help. But if understanding is so empathetic that you spend the next day in bed, you're going too far. </p><p>It's a learning curve. Don't put so many demands on yourself.</p><p> </p><p>Try to stand back and watch what happens just b4 your son explodes. Does he react to the word "No" ? What about transitions--when you call him for dinner, when he has to go from a video game to answer the door, when you give him a chore and want it done now, or when he has to get dressed or take a shower. Activities that the rest of us do naturally are not natural for these kids. It is very hard for them to change tasks. See if there is a pattern. Just watching him will help you detach, because you will be expecting him to explode, and almost hoping you will, so you can see what immediately preceded it, and that will make you feel more empowered.</p><p>I hope that makes sense.</p><p>Also, write down everything he eats. He may have serious allergies or sensitivities. Sometimes the reaction is immediate and sometimes the next day. Sometimes it's an accumulation of the same foods--say, he's eaten chocolate 3 days in a row, and kaboom! He explodes. Just keep an eye on things like that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TerryJ2, post: 372280, member: 3419"] Welcome Odd, so sorry it's so bad in your household. WW presented some great ideas. I hope they are useful to you. Interesting that your husband is also ADHD. I know what you mean when you observe that your son is tearing up his most prized possessions. My son has done that. I've asked him numerous times why he did it and he said he didn't know, just that he was really mad. He couldn't help it. It is a very out-of-control, helpless feeling. I have contributed to it by yelling at my son, when I should have been helping him calm down. But it's like it's contagious--hearing those screams and that foul language, having things hurled at me just makes me want to fight back. I have learned not to spank and yell--at least, I don't yell as much :winking: and it makes a big difference. I would try restricting your son's diet--cut out dyes and additives. Make lots of homemade foods (just what you want to do when you're low on energy, right? Not!) He will be curious and want to eat the batter, and probably say it's awful no matter what you make, but trust me, he won't starve. In the meantime, the most important thing I can suggest is to learn to detach. It has taken me yrs, literally. The sad part is, it isn't a steady decrease--it's like healing from surgery or something. I now have many more good days in regard to detachment, but still backslide on occasion. When you say you can feel what your child feels, that is a good thing, because you must be able to understand b4 you can help. But if understanding is so empathetic that you spend the next day in bed, you're going too far. It's a learning curve. Don't put so many demands on yourself. Try to stand back and watch what happens just b4 your son explodes. Does he react to the word "No" ? What about transitions--when you call him for dinner, when he has to go from a video game to answer the door, when you give him a chore and want it done now, or when he has to get dressed or take a shower. Activities that the rest of us do naturally are not natural for these kids. It is very hard for them to change tasks. See if there is a pattern. Just watching him will help you detach, because you will be expecting him to explode, and almost hoping you will, so you can see what immediately preceded it, and that will make you feel more empowered. I hope that makes sense. Also, write down everything he eats. He may have serious allergies or sensitivities. Sometimes the reaction is immediate and sometimes the next day. Sometimes it's an accumulation of the same foods--say, he's eaten chocolate 3 days in a row, and kaboom! He explodes. Just keep an eye on things like that. [/QUOTE]
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