Parent as a coach and imposed consequences / natural consequences

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Allan-Matlem, Aug 29, 2010.

  1. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    I wrote this on another thread

    'in my humble opinion a ' personal coaching ' approach would be better than a system that works on gaining visits or loosing trips because of behavior. 'Imposed ' Consequences in my humble opinion just reinforce and confirm a kid's perceptions that parents or caregivers are unfair, encourage kids to make comparisions and focus on the consequence and not on the behavior. Most people and especially kids go forward when they are inspired by adults , have positive experiences and learn skills. A coaching approach is solution focused - taking responsibility is more about dealing with the future and coming up with a better plan than saying I deserved the imposed consequence. I don't know adults who readily internalize consequences as their own doing. Even when we take responsibility and accept the consequences , it may even prevent coming up with a better plan. Some kids want punishment, they want to pay a price and get over it without needing to change themselves from the inside. '

    Parent as a coach is essentially working with a child, helping him with the thinking process - consequential thinking, sequential thinking, taking into account other people's perspectives, concerns and feelings. The process is one of trust. But when we try to impose consequences which are not natural outcomes of behavior then we loose trust , kids feel that we are trying to manipulate them , use consequences as leverage to change behaviors. I won't give my car to a teen who has been reckless with it and I already reached an understanding on this matter with him , but I will do my best to collaborate him so he can find ways to address my concerns ,regain my trust , change his attitude and get back to driving.

    here are some thoughts about natural consequences .