Parent problems venting

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Liahona, Apr 12, 2007.

  1. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    First some history; when ex started to take us to court on a yearly bases my parents sided with him. My father said that he would go to court as ex's witness not mine. Ex picked that time to take us to court because he learned from my family that I was un-employed, husband was un-employed, I had a high-risk pregnancy, and it was 2 months after I got married to husband.

    I feel so stupid. I've been talking with my mother about difficult child 2 and difficult child 1 and our housing situation/problems and the pregnancy. I felt safe to talk to them because they had moved to TX and I thought all contact between them and ex was over. Ex has been calling them trying to get info about my family. We asked him to stop and of course he says no (and blames me for him calling them.) Now we ask my parents and grandparents (he is calling them as well) to tell us everytime he calls and to tell us what the conversation is about. My mother says she doesn't want us to make this a big deal because she wants to have a good relationship with ex because of difficult child 1 having to go there. She doesn't want difficult child 1 to feel like he is going to a "big scary monster den" alone. She is agreeing to tell us about when he calls though.

    Her reaction to the next baby wasn't nice either. I'm happy about this baby. I want this baby. I'm frustrated and mad at her.
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{emily}}} No great words of wisdom other than to minimize contact with those who can't be happy for you and share in your joy. Rid yourself of negative forces so you can focus on the here and now. Your parents sound like a negative force right now. It might be best for your pregnancy and family if you kept contact to a minimum.

    I'm sorry that exh is such a jerk and goes out of his way to make things so difficult. Hugs to you - be gentle with yourself.
  3. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    I think, if your parents can't support you and are passing on info about you to your ex then it's time to just stop telling them anything - other than how fantastic your life is going right now even if that might be something of an exaggeration. Just tell them the superficial stuff like difficult child drew a wonderful picture in school today, we made cookies together this weekend etc. It's hard not to have your parents to go to for advice, but they aren't being helpful anyway, and just make you feel badly. I do this with my husband's family, I don't know if I've ever told them about difficult child's diagnosis, we see them very seldom and only talk about superficial stuff. They don't understand and are a bit critical so I'd rather not share things they can criticize even more. My mom I can tell a few things to, she's getting older and sometimes doesn't quite get it, but she's supportive and listens and doesn't judge. My bro is something of a difficult child (undx'd) so it's kinda a case of she's been there done that, if you've been through it you're more understanding. And she was our sitter for difficult child until he was 5 so him having a diagnosis didn't surprise her.

    Sorry your parents are less than supportive about your ex and the baby. :flower:
  4. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    my mother is very disloyal to me overall. I do not tell her anything about my life other than light conversation about weather etc.
    she is a dry well and no sense going there for water to quench your soul.

    my mom also took my ex's part and still talks to him...even though he continues to stalk me from time to time and make my sons miserable. go figure!

    I cannot control her actions and you cannot control your mom. I can however control me. I hate when our own blood does not protect us.
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I like ant'smom's response. If my parents ever treated me like that, I think I would disown them. Like she said, you cannot control their actions, but you can control how you respond to them.

    Like the serenity prayer says,
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (your parents)
    The courage to change the things I can (how you react to them)
    And the wisdom to know the difference (I think you can figure that one out :smile: )

    This prayer comes in handy for just about any situation, I have found anyway!!
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I've had a situation like this - not with my family, but with friends - when a former friend began pumping all my friends for information. At first I asked people to not tell him anything, but I soon realised that this was unrealistic, because often what they told him was apparently harmless; it's just that he would twist it and make it sound bad. For example, my seasonal job had it's usual rush period, then came the quiet break before the next rush. I mentioned to a friend that I was looking forward to a few quiet weeks before the next rush and my work hours had been cut back for the quiet period - I then heard back that my former friend was telling everyone that I was about to be sacked!

    My friend who had accidentally talked to him - she had walked into the same cafe, and he has asked her how I was going, in very friendly, "I care about my friend" terms. She thought she was sharing harmless public information with a friend.

    As a result, I share no information with anyone, not even closest friends. I trust no friend to keep things confidential, so I simply don't tell anyone stuff I want kept confidential. I soon learnt, by releasing little snippets of fascinating but false info, who I could trust to keep mouths shut and who I could not.

    Friends gossip because the secrecy of the information means far less to them than it does to you. There's nothing malicious about it; they just don't think. They have too much of their own life on their minds to try to remember what they can talk about, and what they cannot. You need to think for them, to make the decision to not share anything you don't want spread around. The same goes for your parents. You also need to listen, to hear what is coming back.

    And I would suggest - share with your parents what it is you hear coming back, via the legal system. For example, if you share that you and husband are very happy together, and thrilled about the baby, you might hear from DEX's lawyers that he is concerned that you are too engrossed in your new relationship to pay attention to difficult child, who is now suffering from emotional neglect. This is not necessarily what your parents would have shared, but it IS what a disgruntled ex would do with the positive information you shared. It's likely that your parents would be horrified to discover that the ex-sister in law they want to stay in touch with is abusing that relationship to hurt you. But they won't believe it until you can prove it by showing them what he's doing with the info.

  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    While I may try to heal the relationship with my parents, it doesn't appear you are in a position to do that.

    As to using information obtained via the phone, wouldn't that be considered hearsay? I mean your ex is getting information on you via your parents. I may be wrong, but I would doubt that a court would take 3rd party conversations into account.

    I'm sorry things are so emotionally difficult right now - pregnancy should be a time of joy, not high stress.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    For other reasons than yours my Mom doesn't get any info on my kids dxes or behavior relating to their dxes. Nor does she get info on my private life. I keep the conversation geared in other directions.

    With my Mom this was the only way to be able to develop a good relationship.

    If your parents are feeding ex info that he can use against you it's time to stop providing them fuel for the fire. Your first priority is your husband and your kids.

    As for their sentiment over the new baby, well, my Mom was against every pregnancy I had. Same for my girls. By the way she was talking you'd think she looked at pregnancy on the same level as murder. :hammer:

    It's disappointing when you can't count on your parents for support.