Parental Abuse

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ShyChelle, Aug 10, 2009.

  1. ShyChelle

    ShyChelle New Member

    I was wondering if anyone knew of any laws, rights etc in regards to Parental Abuse. If the child is still a minor, 17, and abusive is there anything that can be done? If I kick him out do I have a leg to stand on? I guess I am tired of the verbal and physical abuse. He has been hospitalized 3 times and getting him hospitalized is a major ordeal. Three days ago at 5 am because he had been up all night and had the tv in his room on loudly I banged on his door and asked him to turn it down. He then pushed the door through and came out and head butted me. My nose is now bruised if not broken. This is the first time he has actually injured me physically. He is very controlling and after 3 years of it I don't think I can take much more of it. When does the victim in this case get peace of mind?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did you call the police?

    Why not give us some background on him. Is he a drug abuser? Mentally ill?
    What's the story. I think there are things you can do if he assaults you.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    No one deserves to be abused in anyway in their own home---you must call the police and report the attack. He will continue to escalate until you do. The police told my difficult child when he was 17 he could either follow my rules or leave home---but in my home I was in charge.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree. Violence is not tolerated. Take pictures of your injuries. Calling the police is your best option. Cooling his heels in jail might teach him more than any therapist could.

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have to agree as well. Assault = call to 911.
  6. maril

    maril New Member

    I had initially posted about searching online/looking into emancipation of minors but subsequently realized your state may be limited regarding this; might not be an option for you (sorry...).

    Good luck! I am sorry you are in this position and that you are a victim. :( Certainly, the police may be able to help.
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2009
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I googled Parent Abuse and several things did come up. You might want to check in with your local domestic violence shelter to ask them what the laws are in your particular state. I know that I could have gotten a order of protection against my son but he was over 18.

    I would think that at 17 it would be difficult but if you pressed charges against him and maybe filed a Person in need of Services that maybe you could force Social Services to take him. I dont know for certain. How close is he to 18? I would have a 30 day notice to vacate the premises written up and mailed certified mail to him so he can be evicted on his birthday by the police if necessary.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Domestic abuse is not tolerated even when the abuser is a minor. The police in my state are required to take the child from the home immediately and they will go right to a juvenile facility until their hearing. Most of the kids in juvie when my daughter was there, were guilty of domestic abuse. Some of them received six month sentences.

    I am so sorry that you are being subjected to this, but like the others have said, you must report this to the police. He will not stop and it will only get worse.

  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I concur, call the police! This is domestic violence and no one deserves to be abused. No one. The police will document and possibly arrest. And it won't be you. Trust me, had to do this to Onyxx a few times...
  10. ShyChelle

    ShyChelle New Member

    Thank you for your responses. As far as his background goes he most probably has Bi-Polar. He has been diagnosed with odd, adhd and his therapist believes he has a mood disorder. He was raped by my brother's friend around 8 to 10 years of age. I didn't find this out until last November. He has seen violence done to others by my step dad. I was young when I had him and at times in his life had to live with my mother because of financial and other issues. There truly was no where else for me to go. He has few friends. He is possesive of both me and his girlfriend. He has become increasingly possessive of me in the last few months. He wants to know where I am going and if I leave and he doesn't know he asks me where I went and why I left. He monitors what I do to some extent. He is literally freaking me out. He threatens me on a regular basis and justifies it by something. He apolgizes but I am so worn out from it all. He now has his girlfriend living with us. I am fearful when they break up he is going to go nuts. Since he normally takes everything out on me I am sure I will get the brunt of it. I actually fear for my life at times. I fear for his life as well. Those are the two constinent themes in his threats. He will take my life and his.

    I have called the police in the past. Since I live in a small town they are reluctant to do anything. Last time I had to have his PO tell them to take him and even then they were reluctant. They have no where to house minors and have to transport them to the larger town 30 minutes away. Normally they just take a report, take him to the holding house where I have to pay money to get him out within 30 minutes of him being there and take him home or get slapped with abandonment charges. So it feels kind of like a no win situation when calling the police since they don't really help me and normally nothing is done. The only time charges have been seriously taken were when my son got into a fight with my parents, and when he got into an altercation with the principle. I don't really like the idea of him going to jail but I am at a loss of what to do to protect myself. He has 8 months till he turns 18. I don't like the idea of him being on the streets but I really not sure what to do. He steals, lies, is a bully and intimidates to get his way. Just really frustrated and don't know how to find some peace.
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2009
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Get off the computer. Call the police. Tell them that you REFUSE to live with him because he is abusing you.

    You are in a classic situation of abuse. He has isolated you, monitors your movements, and now has escalated to physical abuse.

    The only difference is that he is a child abusing his mother, not a boyfriend abusing a girlfriend.

    If the police refuse to take him then call a domestic violence number and ask where to go for shelter. Move into the shelter for a few days/weeks until you can get him out of your home.

    If the police take him you will have to go stand before a judge and tell him what has been happening. Tell the judge that you fear for your life and safety and you cannot live in the same home, that you need to have him taken over by the courts.

    I mean it. NOW. Go get the phone and call the police.

    If you wait on this it is only going to get worse, LOTS worse PDQ.

    You can tell the police/Sheriff that he cannot stay. I did this with my oldest several years ago. It broke my heart to do it. But I couldn't let my other kids live in fear, live in fear myself, or risk my difficult child doing permanent damage and having to cope with the guilty feelings if someone died.

  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    She's right. I hope you are not online to see my message until after you've called. I don't want you to be hurt. Please. Please. He's 17. He's almost an adult.
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I agree, no one deserves to be abused. If you feel you are in danger, you must call the police. Also, do you have any good friends or is the boy's father able to help you? This does not mean you shouldn't call the police, but you might ask a friend for help.

    When our kids are teens, sometimes parents will partially tolerate certain outburts momentarily....consequences pending. However, a red flag should be flown.

    AND lines need to be drawn. Boundaries established.

    I would not put up with ugly dissparging remarks, would say so and would incorporate consequences if it were to continue.

    And I absolutely, positively would not put up with physical violence for a second and would call the police in a heartbeat. PLEASE call the police and see if they have trained personal to come to your home to offer assistance if you feel unsafe now or at any time.

    Additionally, is your son seeing a physician for medication? Perhaps if he is on the right medication, this might help to a certain extent.

    However, he really really needs to understand that violence is not going to be acceptable. This needs to be crystal clear. No ifs and or buts. If he strikes you, you are calling the police. Period.

    Are you seeing a therapist to develop a coping plan for this situation?
    Lasted edited by : Aug 11, 2009
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Shy -

    I remember your situation and of you telling us before that the police were of little/no help with him. My next suggestion would be for you to call a domestic violence shelter. Your situation is not one that is normal and doesn't fit into the regular norms of anytown USA. I think the police are uninvolved and figure "Hey this is HER problem."

    I know you are afraid. The biggest fear I ever had of reporting my ex for domestic violence was that once he got out there would be he** to pay for turning him in. So, I never did. I just took it and took it because I felt I deserved it. Shy- For whatver you think you did or didn't do in your sons life - you never deserved to be hit by him. I had so much guilt that I could hardly swallow my own tears when my son would say ugly things to me - I felt I deserved every ugly thing he said.

    You said you had him at a young age, you moved him around, he lived with your Mom, you were financially disadvantaged. Yeah - well, lots worse things could have happened, but you know what? I did NOT read anywhere in there or in between those lines that you EVER stopped loving him or ever gave up on him. What I read instead was you gave up on yourself and you allowed him to use you for a punching bag because you felt guilty for all the things you didn't give him. ( takes one to know one ?) Before things get worse - will you please call this number below and talk anonymously to a domestic violence counselor? I know you don't want to call the police, but you can't live like you are living. None of you can. YOU can't allow your son to continue to beat up on people when he doesn't get his way or is frustrated by simple requests.

    1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
    This is the National Domestic Abuse Hotline - if you don't know where you can go in your area - you can call them and they will talk to you and get you to the place in your area that can help you.

    I'm not asking you to call the cops on your son. I wish you would, not because it's the right thing to do (because I think it is) but you have a right to be safe in your own home and I would hope that once he is in jail and goes before a judge he would get some much needed help and anger management classes. But since you probably won't or you'll wait until the next time - maybe talking to these people can get you some help now and get him some help too. Your entire family is in crisis. The sad part about it is that about the only way I see that your son IS going to get help is if you DO call the police and have him arrested - I doubt he's going to go to anger management classes through a domestic violence shelter. So in the mean time - YOU GO. YOU get educated and YOU find out what is out there for you - and for that girlfriend of his. YOU both go and find out how people should be treated and what will and won't be tolerated.

    They have classes that meet with other people who have been through this, people like me - who have been through hades and come out on the other side and will never tolerate this kind of behavior in their homes ever again. There are people there who are transitioning from severely abusive homes and learning how to survive on their own - alone....with kids. It's all about helping each other....Know what I mean?? No one says you have to stay - just check it out maybe?

    I would make another suggestion - if your son would go for it - since he's diagnosis BiPolar (BP) - maybe he would take the medicaid and go get a counselor at mental health and get on some medication to help with the moods?

    Hugs -
  15. peg2

    peg2 Member

    When my son was out of control(of course, he was much younger than yours)while hospitilized I said I refuse to take him home, what are you!!!! going to do to help me. Our youth & family services had to place him in a residential program and medicaid paid for it. I was never accused of abandoing my child and because I asked them for help, I had no problems. The police were involved with me(for an incident that happened at school, but he was barely 12), he is now 19,anyway, I asked them to take him to our local hospital. for a screening and not juv.detention because he didn't need that, he needed a safe place where he could get medications,etc. and be away from me. They were good about it and realized I wa sonly trying to help him. I work in the system and understand 17 year olds are hard to palce, but your youth and familly services must place him if he is out of control; why did you bring him home from the hospital? I refused to bring my son home and they billed me to the tune of $1500.00 per day, had a bill of $45,000.00 and I said medicaid must pay because he can not come home. They apid retroactivally and I would not let them intidimate me. I said take me to court for whateve ryou want, I can not control my son and he is a danger to himself and others. I had no problems, 2 times with a placement and I don't believe the police is the way to go, other than to have them call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. They must keep him if he is a danger to you, and he is and youth and family services must!!!!! find a place for him. Tell them what they are to do and do not back down, I had no problems but maybe because I work in the field.Still, I was the other side of the fence but I stood my ground. NJ is good if they realize you know what you are talking about.
    Good luck, but do something, throwing him out will not help and putting him on the street will not either, he needs help.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Star's suggestion to get the domestic violence shelter onboard to help to is very very wise. I suggest the same tenfold. They are a wonderful support and have a wealth of information, plus they can offer you a safe place to stay where your son can't find you if it comes to that.

    Odds are the police are reluctant to pick him up probably because they're thinking you might drop the charges once they do. And I can see their point. Having your own kid arrested is right up there with one of the hardest things a parent would ever have to do. And I don't doubt that of those parents that do, that there aren't a few who later change their minds (for a lot of different reasons).

    That doesn't make their reluctance right. You have a right to be safe in your own home regardless if the person abusing you is an adult or a child. Here.......I don't think the cops would hesitate much. We're also a small town but they've had too much ignored domestic violence of any sort come to bite them later on to ignore it anymore.

    I'm sorry you're having to live with this. You don't deserve it.

  17. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Not sure about the legalities....I am learning more about this topic.
    Please re-read Star's post and the others.
    I can tell you though...first and foremost...what I know for sure.
    If your son does this to you, do NOT hesitate to call the police immediately. Do not hesitate. It is hard, 'cause he is your son. This is understandable. However, you need to draw the line on this hard and true. You need to protect yourself and you need to send a very clear cut message to him that if he physically hurts you, you will call the police immediately and the consequences are ON HIM.

    Is your son BiPolar (BP)? He needs to be on medication and under the care of a therapist. This is an important concern. This needs to be addressed.

    Please make your safety a priority....look into domestic violence shelters as well as other advice. Then, as soon as your safety is secure, see what you can determine about making sure your son is getting proper medication and therapy. However, remember...HE has to make the decision to take his medications and go to therapy. You can "lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." As a mom, you will want to provide the proper health opportunities...keep on making it available....but do NOT overly concern yourself if he makes a poor choice here. Protect what is your is all you can do.

    I am so sorry for your concerns...this is a lot to take in. Please make sure you take extremely good care of YOURSELF physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
  18. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    These are all good ideas of what steps you can take now, and if/when this occurs again.
    I would also suggest you make a short list of other occassions of physical abuse, threats, destruction to property (if that's occured), offenses to the principal etc that you mentioned. Add to it every time he threatens (wether himself or others!).
    If he is physical again, phone the police as mentioned and as you've done. But this time, request they place him in the cruiser while you speak privatly with the officers. Calmly hand them the list you have compiled and request they scan/read it on the spot. Then calmly tell them that this is not just a normal run of the mill moody teen who had a bad moment of being out of control. That this is a child with mental health diagnosis and a history of violence and threats of violence and threats of self harm. That you are no longer safe nor are you willing to risk your safety (or your sons). That you called the police for concrete assistance in removing him from your home and at that point you can focus on where he should go for help. Request they take him to the hospital on a psychiatric hold as a risk to himself/others. Then you can get a psychiatric on board from the hospital about not releasing home to you. Others are right. In that situation you will have the right ear to bend to get some kind of placement to help him outside the home.
    Personally, I would make the list, find out options for placement so you can tell the police and the hospital what options are around for him, and the second he VERBALLY was out of control and a serious threat left his mouth, I'd quietly call the police in. Wouldn't tell him or fight with him. Just be determined to have no big scene until police arrive.
    I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you can get him placed, what will happen to his young g/f? I hope she is finding some way to determine she shouldn't be putting herself in position to be controlled etc. I hope your son gets help to feel like he doesn't need to control a partner or a parent and how to walk a happier path. (((hugs))) and do whatever you need to feel comfortable and safe and peaceful in your own home. We do love our kids and have responsabilities for them at that age. But one responsability that is NOT ours as parents, is being threated with harm, controlled, manipulated or physically injured.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    How are you doing today???

    I am in Oklahoma. I missed that in my first reply. I went through some of this with Wiz (my difficult child). My husband worked and hour and a half away so he missed a lot of what went on. Wiz LOVED to headbutt me because the cops all told him "hands off" and he didn't use his hands.

    I finally realized I was a battered woman. I was starting to think like one. There was a lot of other drama going on, and I slid into that way of thinking gradually. I will NOT be a battered woman. Not with anyone doing the hitting. I called the cops the first time because he went on a rant at husband and I about how husband needed to ASK HIS PERMISSION to hold my hand!!!

    WTF???? No Way. husband is his bio father and we have alway held hands, cuddled, etc... Wiz went on a rage, ending up in the bathroom trying to break the large mirror to kill himself with the glass. I called 911 and he calmed down.

    The deputy spoke with him long and hard. Told him he could end up in a certain facility (a juvenile facility for very violent kids). Rader is scary. The guards are vicious. The deputy talked us into allowing Wiz to stay. I told him if I called again for violence or threats of violence they would have to remove him from the property. Period. I would press charges.

    They hemmed and hawed over that and left.

    A couple of weeks later he headbutted me, knocking me back into our bar. I had a big bruise on my back and was extremely sore. I had jessie call 911.

    This time I refused to let him stay here. I told the deputy he had a chance. he got physical with me and I wanted to press charges. Period. I also said that if he stayed here one of us would end up dead at Wiz' hands.

    So they took him. deputy never did write up the charges. Not in 2 MONTHS of court dates.

    It is torture to stand in front of the judge and tell him what happened. i wrote it out in a letter, along with what all we had done to help Wiz.

    So they may not WANT to take him, but you CAN insist. It just takes persistence and a refusal to change your mind. So what if they have to take him 30 miles away? In a big city, like Dallas or Cincinnati (where I used to live) every facility is that far or farther from most places.

    PM me if you need someone to chat with, or someone in OK to call. I will send you my number if you want to talk.

    many hugs!
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hope that you have photos of your bruised face to use when you file the assault charges. You definitely need to see someone about domestic violence.

    "He now has his girlfriend living with us." You need to kick her out, now. Unless he is paying the rent, food, and utilities, you decide who lives with you. Not him. You should also be deciding who is in charge of your home, and what type of atmosphere you live in.

    You shouldn't think that anything is going to change when he is 18 years old. Nothing magical happens that day. If you don't press assault charges, they won't arrest him any more after he's 18 than they will now.

    Get ahold of the domestic violence people and get a counselor. He has brainwashed you into living with him in charge. You are in charge of your life. You need to find the value in yourself to stop being his victim.