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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 172269" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I have only looked at the first few posts on this thread, and it hurts to see how raw all of our nerves are about whether we are responsible for how our kids turned out, particularly our difficult children. Both of my children are difficult children, so I don't really know whether I ever was or could have been a good parent. I really didn't get to parent L very much, but I did my best with both of them.</p><p></p><p>Two things come to mind after having ruminated on this for a day or two. Firstly, for ourselves and for our children, I think that there is a possibility of a "butterfly effect". Some thing that had nothing to do with any of us that oddly affected our children - or us - when we were in a vulnerable state. Maybe we don't even know what it was, but it was there and not in our (or our parent's) control.</p><p></p><p>The second thing is that I think no matter how our children turned out, we can only take <em>so much</em> credit, and the rest is them. They really <em>are</em> individuals from the moment they are born, and they will become what <em>they</em> are, not what we want or need them to be. Just as no matter how good or how bad my parents were to me, I am an individual who is responsible for my life choices. </p><p></p><p>It would be wonderful if I could say "L graduated 3rd in her class at high school, got a full ride scholarship to college and she will be a doctor in the spring", but that's not what I get to say. And if in that situation someone tells me what a wonderful job <em>I</em> did, I can take only so much credit for her success. I would <em>have to</em> point out that she is a good kid with imperfect parents who got where she was because she wanted it and applied herself. I have full faith in my children that in spite of the difficulties they have had - and created for themselves - in life, there is always a chance that they are going to make that right choice and apply themselves to something they want and get it. I mean, how many of us here have gone back to college recently and started a new career path? You all did that on your own. It may have been later in life than many others, but if you believe that it's never too late to change your life for the better, that really shouldn't matter. </p><p></p><p>By the same token, I have to acknowledge that when my kids stray, that they are good kids (I keep telling myself that!) who made some bad choices and did bad things. But I can't take all the credit for that, either.</p><p></p><p>I hope this makes sense. I'm not sure which way the wind is blowing on this thread right now, but I did want to add my .02 to what I understood the original question to be. Hopefully I'm not way off track as to where the post has gone since then.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 172269, member: 99"] I have only looked at the first few posts on this thread, and it hurts to see how raw all of our nerves are about whether we are responsible for how our kids turned out, particularly our difficult children. Both of my children are difficult children, so I don't really know whether I ever was or could have been a good parent. I really didn't get to parent L very much, but I did my best with both of them. Two things come to mind after having ruminated on this for a day or two. Firstly, for ourselves and for our children, I think that there is a possibility of a "butterfly effect". Some thing that had nothing to do with any of us that oddly affected our children - or us - when we were in a vulnerable state. Maybe we don't even know what it was, but it was there and not in our (or our parent's) control. The second thing is that I think no matter how our children turned out, we can only take [i]so much[/i] credit, and the rest is them. They really [i]are[/i] individuals from the moment they are born, and they will become what [i]they[/i] are, not what we want or need them to be. Just as no matter how good or how bad my parents were to me, I am an individual who is responsible for my life choices. It would be wonderful if I could say "L graduated 3rd in her class at high school, got a full ride scholarship to college and she will be a doctor in the spring", but that's not what I get to say. And if in that situation someone tells me what a wonderful job [i]I[/i] did, I can take only so much credit for her success. I would [i]have to[/i] point out that she is a good kid with imperfect parents who got where she was because she wanted it and applied herself. I have full faith in my children that in spite of the difficulties they have had - and created for themselves - in life, there is always a chance that they are going to make that right choice and apply themselves to something they want and get it. I mean, how many of us here have gone back to college recently and started a new career path? You all did that on your own. It may have been later in life than many others, but if you believe that it's never too late to change your life for the better, that really shouldn't matter. By the same token, I have to acknowledge that when my kids stray, that they are good kids (I keep telling myself that!) who made some bad choices and did bad things. But I can't take all the credit for that, either. I hope this makes sense. I'm not sure which way the wind is blowing on this thread right now, but I did want to add my .02 to what I understood the original question to be. Hopefully I'm not way off track as to where the post has gone since then. [/QUOTE]
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