Parenting the parent

[InsaneCdn]

OK, so I got your attention... LOL.

Real question, though... all the specialists etc. that we can find, will put lots of focus on the difficult child, but never look further than that. SO... when part of the problem is wife and/or husband...

How do you convince specialists that WE might have problems too?
Even harder - how do you get help for ADULTS??? (not ODD, but... all sorts of stuff - adhd/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)/odpd/yadayadayada)

Just wondering...

Thanks!

 

[lovemysons]

Hi there,
For me...Al Anon has been the mental, emotional, and even spiritual education that I have needed as the parent of difficult child addicts and it has helped enormously with my relationship with my husband and mom as well. I think I am even a better friend for it.

I think you are wise to ask this question.
Tammy

 

[DaisyFace]

Wow - Canada must be really different...

In our experience, most therapists have started by looking at us parents. If we have a difficult child - we are obviously doing something wrong. Are we bad parents? Do we have a bad marriage? Do we have an alcohol or drug problem? Do we have a criminal history? Do we have any mental illnesses? etc etc etc

 

[Hound dog]

Good question.

As for getting help for an adult, first they have to recognize there is an issue and want to address it.

When my kids were young I had to make husband bow out of active parenting. (he was a mess) He was my enforcer and back up. The man couldn't be consistent if his life depended on it, so was just better for the kids.

When Travis got the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis..........doctor had been watching husband all through the exam. husband wound up with an AS diagnosis that he wasn't happy about. But that let me talk to him about those behaviors which I never could before. lol husband has in the years since learned to accept and deal. And it explained why he and Travis played off each other so much. (and still do) Travis for various reasons is a more severe copy of husband.

I also made husband go to every doctor appointment. That made a huge difference in his opinions of the kids, certain behaviors, ect. While he wouldn't take my word for it, a professional was a different story.

Sometimes too, a parent will eventually see that they share many of the same issues a difficult child has.......see the difference medications/treatment makes......and eventually seek some help for themselves.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Wow - Canada must be really different...

In our experience, most therapists have started by looking at us parents. If we have a difficult child - we are obviously doing something wrong. Are we bad parents? Do we have a bad marriage? Do we have an alcohol or drug problem? Do we have a criminal history? Do we have any mental illnesses? etc etc etc

Not really - the trick is... if you ALREADY have a diagnosis, they will take that into consideration. If you DON'T... then they take it as a cop-out that you would even bring it up. So - no, we're not that different here! No one believes that the stresses of dealing with high-intensity challenging kids can bring major issues out of parents. But it does!

 

[P-nut2004]

Insane: In my experience (husband is part of the problem here) you can get help for yourself but if wife/husband doesn't think they have a problem you're 'beating a dead horse'. My husband was diagnosis'd ADHD as a kid, refused to take medications and definitely still needs them, and Im positive he would have a more complex diagnosis if he would allow someone to evaluate him, but he wont go to a Dr and will only go to the hospital if he's in danger of dying. I swear that's not sarcasm, I have literally stitched up wounds he got at work because he wouldn't go get them checked out. It's a constant battle just to get husband to acknowledge that difficult child has real issues and needs medications and therapy, as far as my issues go (which Ive been dealing with my whole life) he still thinks I should be able to 'get over it'. I have sought out my own help, recently had my diagnosis changed from BiPolar (BP)-I to PTSD but because I have no insurance I have prescriptions riding around in my purse I can't afford to fill. So, it's a long difficult road to get help for adults (regardless of what country you're in) especially if they don't want to admit they need it. Unfortunately you can only try to educate them and hope they see the light, or as HoundDog said, maybe they will notice that treatment is helping others and give it a try. As far as psychiatrists go I haven't had any issues with them taking into account that husband & I have issues, with or without diagnosis but they of course will only use that as a reference point for treating difficult child & also difficult children psychiatrist & therapist have both been a great resource as far as telling me where I could go to get my own help so just ask each Dr/therapist & see what kind of response you get. If you have insurance you should be able to seek out your own psychiatrist easily & maybe (not sure if this is an issue) if you tell your other half that it will help with the kids' treatment for you to both be diagnosis'd that will encourage compliance?? (unfortunately that did not work for me LoL but I tried it)

Good luck!

 

[InsaneCdn]

wife keeps trying to get help, but there's no where to go - private = $$$ and no extended insurance, and public = 1-2 year wait.

husband knows he has issues, would consider help, but... his issues mean he can't handle going through the process of getting to the point of actually reaching someone who can help (as in, the "wasted" 10 to 20 appointments with whoever else before you see the right person).

If there was FAMILY resources, we might have something... but that seems to be hard to get into, too.

So - we're part of the problem, but can't be part of the solution because there is no solution...
And then they wonder why I lose it some days???

 

[Mattsmom277]

I have found here in canada to get treatment for adults you have to be willing to rattle chains. There are some family treatment options depending where you live, I think it is mostly in larger cities. Seeing a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis for an adult does take time to get referall but it wouldn't take 1-2 years. Counselling on the other hand can be tricky with long wait lists for adults if looking for community based agency counselors to get financial assistance to pay for them. My recommendation would be for sure to get the process moving via a referal from family doctor for a psychiatrist for a evaluation and potential diagnosis. Meanwhile getting on the proper wait lists for counseling means at least the clock starts ticking.
It has been my experience with docs for difficult children that it is important to state issues with parents in a certain way. For example, you are in office discussing difficult child's issues and treatment options and parenting adjustments in techniques that might help. One could state : difficult child definitely deserves and needs his parents at their 100% best since difficult child is struggling so much right now. I myself (or husband or S/O or whatever) am struggling with XYZ right now and have no idea where to start to get help for myself in a timely manner. I find it vital to helping difficult child progress to have adults in difficult child's life at their functioning best. Do you have any practical advice for more timely assistance for Parent X under these circumstances or are you aware of family treatment type programs that are available in our community?

Family counselling often can be added into the mix when a child goes to their own counselor. For example where I live we have a main child mental health agency and a difficult child would attend counseling there. part of that treatment would require parent present and active for at least a portion of those sessions. That is a perfect time to ask for support in moving up wait lists for oneself or asking for contacts in the community that might help.

Having said all of that, one pitfall of our national health care system is that wait lists ARE long and programs are so underfunded.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If husband manages to land a job with benefits, then we can look at queue jumping... (here's hoping).

 

[Snowenne]

Wow - Canada must be really different...

In our experience, most therapists have started by looking at us parents. If we have a difficult child - we are obviously doing something wrong. Are we bad parents? Do we have a bad marriage? Do we have an alcohol or drug problem? Do we have a criminal history? Do we have any mental illnesses? etc etc etc

Canada is different. Not sure about the states but I do know that our government wants to take aspergers out of the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) spectrum because they dont think that having aspergers is a problem. Take my kid for a week then you can talk all you want. We dont have enough resources like the states have. Im noticing from reading alot of posts from people in the states that the dr's there seem to be more willing to help your child with medications. Here I am fighting to get him on something. I honestly believe that these doctors think we are pulling this out of our butts. I know I dont feel comfortable enough to go to any support groups because the judging that I have recieved in the area im in is stupid. We really have to push things here. Free healthcare is really a joke. You basically have to be dying before any hospitals/dr's belive you and will do anything for you.

 

[AnnieO]

While that may be true, finding appropriate help here is dang near impossible when you are solidly middle class and making too much money for public health care and too little for private.

Then add in the fact that the juvenile justice system would rather punish the kids, or blame the parents, than help.

Many (not all) doctors would rather medicate the symptoms than dig for the root cause and work on that.

There are always some people who have found great doctors and help. Then there are people with unique situations, who cannot find or do anything. And it is FRUSTRATING.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Looks like its just variations on a theme...

If you get the right entry-level people - that is, the ones who can unlock doors - on your side (family doctor, mental health intake worker, school resource teacher, etc.), you don't get anything or you don't get the right things - no matter where you live.

We are finding out more as we go, though... and part of the problem is that us parents (the ones who care enough to be involved and pour in whatever it takes...) are usually ahead of the curve, both at school and at home. For example - testing we paid to have done (things that would be school-funded, can be queue jumped here, but not the medical stuff) three years ago, to answer a particular question... didn't answer the question - it just ruled out other sides of that particular disorder. We're doing re-testing now... and it turns out that the SLPs around here didn't even know about, much less have specific tests for, the particular twist of symptoms we are concerned about... and sure enough, THAT is exactly where the problem is. Bad Speech Language Pathologist (SLP)? No. Living in the boonies where we're (on average) 20 years behind most of the world? Yup.

So, the difficult children have an advocate - us. But us parents don't have an equivalent, so we spend all our strength fighting for our kids, and don't have much left to fight for ourselves.

I've half-threatened to pull out and move to UK or AUX/NZ... because they are way ahead of the wave on the kinds of issues we are dealing with... or rather, on SOME of the issues... it turns out, there's just a different set of problems there.

Please. Can we start a revolution and change the world?

 

[DaisyFace]

Please. Can we start a revolution and change the world?

Ugh! Too tired!

 

[april1974]

Parenting the parent...chicken & the egg....are we angry, inconsistant, frustrated because of difficult child or is difficult child like that because of the parenting? I know me & husband both struggle at times, lately husband has been having a hard time, almost depressed at times, who can blame him really, his son is being violent for no apparent reason, my husband has had the wind knocked out of his sails, I'm doing my best to educate myself and him, while trying to keep the house from imploding in on itself. I'm trying to parent him, be his rock through this, lord knows he deserves it, the man has been my rock for years and works hard, he's a good, good, good man, at the moment time is what he needs to sort things out.

Insanecdn- I'm with ya on the revolution!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Actually, I think I'm starting at least a dozen revolutions...

DF - you're exempt. You have enough on your plate.

But the rest of us... if we have to move mountains and re-route rivers and drain the oceans... then we might as well do it for the rest of our little corner of the world, because its way too much energy to expend for just ME.