Parents Opposite Views of Discipline

[Carolyn9595]

We all know that discipline is ineffective if the parents don't agree. My kids have a D and F already in their grades. My husband's "punishment" for it was to make them turn off the computer at 9pm, no more tv and be in their rooms by 10pm. They are 15 years old. My son can still be on his phone until he goes to bed at 11pm. This seems like regular rules to me. If they don't improve, next week, computer is off at 8pm and the week after at 7pm. Except for weekends when they can watch all they want. At this rate, what is the point?
I tell him this is nothing at all and they don't care because they don't even notice this. He gets very grumpy and won't hear a word of it. So, they walk all over us. I can't make a separate rule. My son is oppositional so rules are optional anyway to him.

 

[Marguerite]

If your husband's rule is enforceable, it is worth trying. Certainly, try it and support him even if you think it will fail. Then WHEN it fails, sit down and talk it through with him. If it doesn't fail, then he could be onto something.

I've just posted on someone else's thread, another new person. Read around this site and see what works. On discipline, "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene is a different way of looking at discipline especially with oppositional kids, and can break the resistance cycle. You will have already realised that getting increasingly strict only increases the resistance from the kid. To break the cycle you have to at first seem to give way; but soon the child has to realise that they have to take control of themselves and apply self-discipline. This is actually the long-term goal of all parents, to have your child grow to be a mature self-disciplined adult. It seems laughable at this stage, but sometimes there are short-cuts.

A child who is capable of being incredibly resistant to your discipline is a child whose stubbornness can be turned inwards to self-control (to an amazingly high level). The book helps.

Read around, see what you can scavenge in terms of support and information. Your husband will also find support here. My husband now is a member here, it has really helped us both on the same page, when we have come from very different backgrounds.

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.
I think it's a good idea to get into family therapy. I doubt that his consequences will do any good...my daughter wouldn't change her behavior over something that minor. When two parents can't agree, I think it's good to get a third person involved to help you both set reasonable boundaries.

 

[Andy]

How about "No computer until tonight's homework is done - including studying for tests" That would mean for test nights you will need to glance through the material and quiz them to see if they are actually prepared.

Another thing to do, does your kids' school have a Homework Help room? My difficult child has that available before and after school. I encourage him to use it after school just to get his homework done for the day. The students do not need to be struggling to be allowed to go into the classroom and do the work. There is a teacher there to help if need be but it is not a requirement that only kids needing help can work in there. Last year when I picked up difficult child on the first time, I went into the room and was pleased to see that all the homework assignments from each class was displayed on the board so the students can review and if they forgot an assignment be reminded.

It is still early in the year. Try working on the homework time and space issue. Be supportive of what is needed - pencils, paper, quiet or background noise (difficult child says he needs a distraction while doing his homework). Have each kid give input on what will work best. My difficult child does his work as soon as he gets home if he has not stayed after. I know many kids need a break - if so, come up with appropriate break time activities (no computer!), most likely a snack, and a time limit for this break.