Parents turned on me after I finally kicked out 19yo son

[BackintheSaddle]

Hello All- (thanks to Midwest Mom and recoveringenabler, I started a new thread)....I just signed on for the first time after goggling 'kicked 19 yo son out' and this link came up...I'm so broken hearted...I first read Kittycat's message and thought she was describing our son to a T...we just kicked our son out on Saturday because after several threats (coming at me, screaming, fists clenched), he grabbed me and scared the hell out of me (he's 6'2", very very angry and scary)...we called 911 and then my parents who live about 10 minutes away...he went to their house and I went there yesterday to talk about next steps (he's NOT coming home)..my parents, Dad is 78 and Mom is 75, completely turned on me...said I must have provoked him, he did nothing wrong, and I'm the one with issues!....he is sooooo manipulative and a liar and they buy his stories hook, line, and sinker...I have talked to them at length to tell them more about life at our house and in June, they finally agreed he needed to take medication...we made his taking medicine a condition of living at home and he's been hiding pills and not taking it regularly since November....so, now I have a situation where it's all of them (3) against mostly me, though I have a wonderfully supportive husband and father...I was wondering if anyone else has encountered anything like this where the child leaves but the family turns against you and supports the kid? any advice? how do I get through this Christmas? ;-(...he sent a horrible email out today to me, my husband, and my parents that was a raging long thing...and worst part of it was that his tag name for me is '666'....I don't know what I'm asking of you, I just hope someone is online who understands?

 

[helpangel]

Welcome Jakes mom I understand and suspect if he moved in with his grandparents it would only take them a couple weeks to get it too! For what it's worth abusive non-medication compliant children of any age are not welcome in my house either.

666 !!! UGH I would refuse to acknowledge his existence!
Nancy

 

[BackintheSaddle]

also, do you give these kids Christmas gifts???

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion the best Christmas gift for this sort of adult child is something practical like a pair of pants. NEVER give them money. You never said if he uses recreational drugs, but I suspect by his behavior that he probably does. The money you hand over could be used for something dangerous to him. And he doesn't deserve a nice present. Does he work? He should be old enough to buy most of his own "toys."

 

[helpangel]

Amen to the no money midwest mom, any gifts would be practical items - like long john's and luggage/backpack. You didn't mention what medications he was skipping? Just curious what medications treat ODD? - in my world ODD is a symptom not a diagnosis... regardless I refuse to live under the same roof with anyone who abuses me. They can leave willingly or let police take them to psychiatric hospital or jail they aren't staying here.

Nancy

 

[BackintheSaddle]

Thanks for your replies and questions...I wasn't sure how much detail to provide...he's been a 'difficult' child since at least 2nd grade and went to the same psychologist for therapy and psychiatrist for medications...he has ADHD for sure and depression (no medications for that, denies he has a problem) and in the past, was hospitalized (age 11) and diagnosed bipolar...by the time he was 15, he was hiding pills, fighting over taking them and convinced nothing was wrong with him (it was all me!-- I could add a lot more details to these years but our path to this place is very similar to others I've read here)...so I let him go off the medications for awhile (he was taking Lithium, Risperdal, and Buspar) with the thinking that while he was at home, we could see if he was right and I was wrong (he'd grown out of it?)...but high school was really tough and last year (12th grade) was very bad...he started taking a real turn for the worst and the symptoms of ODD were more and more obvious...all the things I've read on this site-- won't do chores, talks horribly to us, thinks he's justified in doing so, calls names, punches walls, etc...but he does work (had the same job for a year now-- the reason he can is because it's in sales and he's a very charming fellow when he needs to be!) and is going to a community college this fall (was a struggle each week)...after barely graduating from high school, we had a contract with him that said he could live at home under a long list of conditions, including seeing his psychiatrist at least monthly and taking anything he recommended...but his psychiatrist isn't convinced it's bipolar because of the lack of obvious mood swings...Jacob (my son) masks things with his MD but he did start taking Risperdal which works really well (for him) in controlling angry outbursts...he started going downhill in November and I made him go back sooner to see the MD and wrote out all the things I'd observed (increasing inability to control anger, higher anxiety, far less studying, etc)...he went back and MD increased medication but Jacob hasn't been taking them -- hiding pills again (on nights he got home later than we were up, I relied on his word to follow thru with that promise)...the MD thinks ODD is part of it but not sure what else other than ADHD...has referred us to a specialist with ODD kids but that was before this weekend...now that he's living at my parents, I've been trying to focus on getting thru Christmas and what to do (if anything) to help him with the next steps--- we haven't suspected drugs, he's home ALLLLLL the time so I don't know how he would be using and he's never had a sip of alcohol (I'm 99% certain)...he doesn't have the symptoms of drug abuse as much as mental illness-- or something...he grabbed me Saturday and shook me but is blaming me for 'provoking him' (I told him to come outside and help us work)...he's not the least bit remorseful for what happened, sent a nasty email today to confirm to everyone that it is all my issues, not his...tagged me '666' to make his point

 

[BusynMember]

I would search his room, including under his mattress, in his drawers, in bhis closets, anywhere to see maybe signs that he is abusing drugs. Some adult kids abuse prescription and OTC drugs. in my opinion he IS acting like he is taking drugs. ODD is a simplistic diagnosis and rarely given to kids beyond very young ages. At any rate, since he is of legal age, it really doesn't matter if he is mentally ill or using drugs or both. He is responsible for his health and needs to be safe and he needs to take serious control of his problems, including taking his medications. You can not make him stable. Only he can do that. In fact, you can't do one thing for him. You can only take care of one person...yourself. You have no control over your son. His choices are things he owns. None of us can change anyone but ourselves.

A good start would be for you to realize that you are every bit as important a person as your son and that you have a right to a happy, safe, peaceful and fun life with those who treat you well. This is in spite of your son's self-destruction and anger and your parent's being unreasonable.

I would recommend going with your husband to a NAMI meeting (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) to meet other parents who cope with adult children who have these problems and to learn how to handle them.

I have a book recommendation too! Pick up "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. You may see yourself in her wise words.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If he is NOT doing drugs then the only other logical explanation is that his MI is becoming significantly worse. He is a danger to you, either way.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

You might be surprised to hear that I'm an ACOA and know that book well...;-)...(and ALANON).. I have been enabling too much, first to make it to his 18th birthday (a year ago) and graduation, and now in excusing his stuff in hopes he'd turn things around...thanks for the advice...I've had a hard time finding local support groups but haven't looked in awhile...yesterday, I gave him 2 options-- to go into a treatment center (30 days at least) so we could finally get a good diagnosis or to move out...he picked moving out of course and the raging email today was to tell me how I'm so wrong about him having something wrong with him...I realize he has to accept that for himself and be tough (hold the line) but geez, this is so hard...he's my only child...makes me feel like such a failure as a mom (I know I'm not but it's hard not to feel that way-- and having my parents back him doesn't help)

 

[KTMom91]

My mom backed my difficult child (Miss KT) until Miss KT moved in with her. Once the honeymoon was over, my mom finally understood what I'd been telling her.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

how long did it take? weeks or months?

 

[KTMom91]

Miss KT was there nearly a year, but the honeymoon was over in a matter of weeks. Even though she was medication compliant (a condition to keeping her driving privileges), she couldn't hold it together longer than that.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

Do you live near your Mom? what did you do about your relationship with your mother and daughter while she was there? no contact?

 

[recoveringenabler]

Geez, JakesMom, I can hear the anguish in your words..............we know how it feels, believe me. No matter how old they get, we are always their MOM. However, with our kids, we have to learn to detach from them.............get all the help you need to be able to do that.........it's difficult and you will need help through, it just goes against all our instincts to protect, nurture, save................but, until your son takes a stand for himself there is really not much you CAN do but learn detachment.

Perhaps a CoDa group? And, NAMI is a wonderful resource. Family anonymous. A parent support group...........

I'm sorry you are going through this.........you're not alone.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

it's fresh for me...just kicked him out Saturday and had the 'talk' Sunday to tell him he's not coming home and then my parents turned on me....it doesn't help that it's Christmas week either

 

[KTMom91]

My mom lives about 15 minutes from me. During the honeymoon period, we didn't talk too much, but once Miss KT started being Miss KT, we talked more often. Miss KT didn't talk to me for a while, I don't remember how long, but eventually she did and even asked to come home before I was ready to let her. She was under 18 so I knew she'd be back.

Holidays are a hard time anyway, and having this added drama doesn't help. Your parents may not want to see you this Christmas...make sure you and your Hubby do something that's just for you.

 

[Huff]

Sorry for your situation. I have three stepchildren all grown no oldest girl easy child youngest girl easy child middle son difficult child. And he is very maniliptive of anyone outside me or my ex wife. Is a master of getting youngest to turn on me fir short periods but she is she is starting to catch on. I am trying to detach from him but find my heart and brain are not always on the same page. He is 26 I just can't help him anymore because he will not help himself . I was always blamed for his problems but therapy made me realize I was not. I'm not perfect but was doing my best to be a father and raise the kids to be polite and productive adults the two girls are doing fantastic. difficult child made things very difficult for my so till it just broke us apart and I am to blame for some of that. I am trying to start a new life now but I do not think the guilt and the concern will ever go away. The ball is in his court now. I'm sorry about rambling on here. I just want to say no one turned on you on there own accord they were turned against you but they will realize at some point that the desires is the culprit. Have a merry Christmas and know I think you are doing the best thing for all involved.

 

[Huff]

Sorry disease not desire pardon my typing skills

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am trying to detach from him but find my heart and brain are not always on the same page.

I just want to say no one turned on you on there own accord they were turned against you

Naming the feelings gives us a place to stand, Huff. This is perfect.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

we called 911 and then my parents

he went to their house and I went there yesterday to talk about next steps

my parents, Dad is 78 and Mom is 75, completely turned on me
so, now I have a situation where it's all of them (3) against mostly me

how do I get through this Christmas?

Welcome, Jake's mom

If you think about it for a minute JM, you will see that what is happening is something called triangulation. This is something every troubled child engages in to extend their own period of grace and to establish that the blame is on someone else, not them.

They do this because, if the triangulation succeeds, the parent who is demanding that the child accept responsibility for himself, the parent who demands that the child do the work required to change, that parent will be ostracized from his or her own support system. In this case, for you, that is your parents.

We have learned, here on the site, to feel compassion for those being played in this way. Their time will come. The problems have not gone away. Your son will act out enough times that your parents will finally understand. This will take time. I do not think this typical pattern for every family with a troubled child can be changed. It is natural for a grandparent to step in, believing that, whatever it looked like, you have not been able to parent your child successfully. They parented you, and you are successful, so it is understandable that they feel they can parent your child successfully. This is a normal enough belief. They have not realized yet (and I think you may not have either, JM) that it is the child who is abnormal. Every family member will respond, just as we parents did at first, with overwhelming love. They will rush to protect the young child.

This is not wrong, JM. Though it is hurtful to you and your husband, though you feel (and have been) betrayed...this is how normal, loving families respond to a child in crisis. I know it isn't fair? But if you can understand the dynamic, it will hurt less.

If you can understand that this is the dynamic playing out beneath everything your troubled child does, you will come through this strong enough to be able to help your child. He needs to do the very things you are requiring of him. He needs this not for your sake, but for his own.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this kind of pain. Do not let it cause you to question yourself or your perceptions, if that is possible for you. You did nothing wrong. Your parenting was extraordinarily detailed and caring, or you would not have searched so desperately for information that finally, you found this site.

You are here, now. I am so happy you are here now, with us.

We can help you understand what is happening, and how to survive it.

Please keep posting. The site is anonymous. We have all been through some version of what is happening to you. For most of us, the answer to surviving is something called detachment. The terrible things that have happened to every one of us here all sort of boil down to the same thing: Our children are self-destructing. We are helpless in the face of that emotional onslaught.

Christmas...you need to make a conscious choice to love him through this, JM. I am not saying don't be angry. There is strength in anger. And for us, devastated as we are, any place of strength is a refuge. What loving him through it meant for me was setting aside a quiet time before the celebration to grieve, to mark my losses, to remember so clearly what it was I wanted, and had worked so hard for. Grief over the loss of that time when, out of everything that happened throughout the year...all the faces I loved would be there, at my table.

My son's face would be missing. Unlike you, JM, there have been years when I did not know whether my son was alive, at Christmas. Was he homeless, was he hungry, maybe freezing, dying even as we celebrated? In the face of that kind of pain, JM, you need to choose your attitude. You will need to do this, too. Believe that this will resolve successfully.

It will resolve successfully, JM.

Just not today.

During the darkest of those years, I began putting those lighted electric candles in the windows. It was a symbolic way of marking my position, my belief that my son would live, that he would feel me, loving him, and that, one day, because of that light, that love, he would make his way home.

I would not have survived those times, had I not done something like this, JM.

I wish things could be different for you, wish you'd never had to know this kind of pain.

Yes. Christmas presents for this son. He may not accept them. It gets to be about you, and knowing you have done the best thing you could do. Others of us will disagree. We have all made our choices; we have all done what we have had to do, to survive the pain.

Make a few minutes of quiet time also, JM, to celebrate your own life, your own breath, the children you still have, your husband and that your parents love your son as they do. When things are so horribly painful, it is our blessings that make us strong enough to keep going.

Merry Christmas, JM. All of this is just an event. Something sad, something horrible, but only a piece of the celebration you can make for your family. Don't lose those cherishings over this, JM. Celebrate every instance, every minute, of the joy that is there for you, in your life.

Cedar