Eeky, I reckon you win the kewpie doll here (although Star's performance was definitely a strong contender).
Passive-aggressive is a bit more complex that we sometimes realise. It's the attempt by someone to control, but not so directly. Instead they use the martyr method, the "don't worry about me, nobody ever does and the world hasn't stopped turning, because CLEARLY nobody has the manners these days anyway..." and then the sulks until you're bending overbackwards to make them happy - and you never succeed.
It's the "see if I care..." reaction but amplified to Oscar-winning status.
Most difficult children, especially the less socially capable, may SEEM to be doing the passive-aggressive stuff but they're not really good at it. If they're sulking, it's a REAL sulk and not designed to manipulate. If they're not taking out the garbage, it's laziness and inertia and not done purely to antagonise you.
Whereas true passive-aggressive - yuk.
mother in law is good at passive-aggressive but hates herself for it too. Sis-in-law's mother in law was a world expert. At any family event she would be the quiet mousy one barely saying a word, barely seeming to have the confidence to say boo to a mouse, but who managed to be the calm in the eye of the cyclone that was swirlnig around trying to please her (but never quite succeeding). She would sigh and say, "It's OK, dear, at least you have tried, it's more than a lot of people do. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine, I'm really quite used to being left to my own devices. Nobody really wants to be bothered having around an old woman like me..."
You're all gathered together for dinner. Someone says, "Let's order Chinese!" and everyone begins putting in thier own suggestion. At no time does she ever say, "I don't want Chinese," because she probably does want it. But she NEEDS to be the one whose needs are MOST important to the group, so she fusses about her choice. Very quickly those around her find themselves hooked in to trying to help her make a choice that will make her happy. But a big part of the problem is, if SHE makes the choice, then she won't be able to blame anyone else later on, so every decision has to be someone else's, imposed on her. And so of course people feel guilty for forcing their choices on her (when in fact they are HER choices, disguised as yours).
And after all the Chinese food arrives - she will be the one sneaking into the kitchen (not quite quietly enough, you HAVE to notice) to heat up something decidely NON-Chinese-ey, because she has a problem with MSG or something which OF COURSE she didn't tell you about before because she didn't want you to all change your minds and not order what you wanted. She couldn't spoil your fun, could she? she will tell you, because of course you are her whole world, she only wants everyone else to be happy. "Never mind if I'm not as happy as you, I just am glad YOU'RE happy..." she sighs again.
So once again you find yourself racing around trying to make amends for being such a selfish git and once again you have a sense of futility and failure.
With someone like this, every happy family event has a cloud over it. Or to be more precise, a wet blanket.
in my opinion - the true, dedicated passive-aggressive is a borderline sociopath, whose sole aim is to subvert everyone else's enjoyment solely to boost their own. And the more it is at everyone else's expense, the happier will be the passive-aggressive.
Yes, we are all capable of being a little bit passive-aggressive sometimes. But if you notice this in your kids (or heaven forbid, your partner) then you need to learn how to NOT buy into it.
Of course, you don't have to take any of what I said on board. I really don't care what you do with this information. After all, I only spent half an hour typing this, half an hour I'll never get back. But I only did this because I care enough to try to help. I suppose I shouldn't expect too much from people...
OK, I go join Star in her corner now.
Marg