passive aggressive behavior

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Useless Boy was the poster child for P/A behaviors. Seriously. Drove me crazy. When you added in his SOP of blaming someone else for things (example: He usually picked up the mail, because he got home first. I wasn't working, and went over to the mailbox. There were several letters in there, important things that needed to be dealt with, that had been opened and put back in. This is why my driver's license had been suspended...I never got the letter. His response? I wonder why the mailman would open those?)

I understand, and I intensely dislike it. Good luck and many hugs.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Eeky, I reckon you win the kewpie doll here (although Star's performance was definitely a strong contender).

Passive-aggressive is a bit more complex that we sometimes realise. It's the attempt by someone to control, but not so directly. Instead they use the martyr method, the "don't worry about me, nobody ever does and the world hasn't stopped turning, because CLEARLY nobody has the manners these days anyway..." and then the sulks until you're bending overbackwards to make them happy - and you never succeed.

It's the "see if I care..." reaction but amplified to Oscar-winning status.

Most difficult children, especially the less socially capable, may SEEM to be doing the passive-aggressive stuff but they're not really good at it. If they're sulking, it's a REAL sulk and not designed to manipulate. If they're not taking out the garbage, it's laziness and inertia and not done purely to antagonise you.

Whereas true passive-aggressive - yuk.

mother in law is good at passive-aggressive but hates herself for it too. Sis-in-law's mother in law was a world expert. At any family event she would be the quiet mousy one barely saying a word, barely seeming to have the confidence to say boo to a mouse, but who managed to be the calm in the eye of the cyclone that was swirlnig around trying to please her (but never quite succeeding). She would sigh and say, "It's OK, dear, at least you have tried, it's more than a lot of people do. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine, I'm really quite used to being left to my own devices. Nobody really wants to be bothered having around an old woman like me..."

You're all gathered together for dinner. Someone says, "Let's order Chinese!" and everyone begins putting in thier own suggestion. At no time does she ever say, "I don't want Chinese," because she probably does want it. But she NEEDS to be the one whose needs are MOST important to the group, so she fusses about her choice. Very quickly those around her find themselves hooked in to trying to help her make a choice that will make her happy. But a big part of the problem is, if SHE makes the choice, then she won't be able to blame anyone else later on, so every decision has to be someone else's, imposed on her. And so of course people feel guilty for forcing their choices on her (when in fact they are HER choices, disguised as yours).

And after all the Chinese food arrives - she will be the one sneaking into the kitchen (not quite quietly enough, you HAVE to notice) to heat up something decidely NON-Chinese-ey, because she has a problem with MSG or something which OF COURSE she didn't tell you about before because she didn't want you to all change your minds and not order what you wanted. She couldn't spoil your fun, could she? she will tell you, because of course you are her whole world, she only wants everyone else to be happy. "Never mind if I'm not as happy as you, I just am glad YOU'RE happy..." she sighs again.

So once again you find yourself racing around trying to make amends for being such a selfish git and once again you have a sense of futility and failure.

With someone like this, every happy family event has a cloud over it. Or to be more precise, a wet blanket.

in my opinion - the true, dedicated passive-aggressive is a borderline sociopath, whose sole aim is to subvert everyone else's enjoyment solely to boost their own. And the more it is at everyone else's expense, the happier will be the passive-aggressive.

Yes, we are all capable of being a little bit passive-aggressive sometimes. But if you notice this in your kids (or heaven forbid, your partner) then you need to learn how to NOT buy into it.

Of course, you don't have to take any of what I said on board. I really don't care what you do with this information. After all, I only spent half an hour typing this, half an hour I'll never get back. But I only did this because I care enough to try to help. I suppose I shouldn't expect too much from people...

OK, I go join Star in her corner now.

Marg
 

totoro

Mom? What's a difficult child?
Oh Poor Marg what ever can we do to make it better! LOL

You are funny!!!
I think you have my mother in law down to a tee. "Sigh, that's fine"... "I'm perfectly fine with what everyone else is having" "Whatever you guy's want to do is perfectly fine with me"
My husband has so much guilt from his years of living with her... I feel so bad for the guy!
 

Marguerite

Active Member
THe first and best way to learn to overcome this, is to learn to NOT buy into it. Which means letting go of the guilt. Only ever take on board the guilt that you should own. Never the guilt that doesn't belong. If you have been raised by a passive-aggressive, you need to re-learn as an adult, how to recognise appropriate guilt and inappropriate guilt. The next lesson is how to hand back the guilt that doesn't belong.

easy child moved in with mother in law for a couple of years and got a crash course in how to sidestep passive-aggressive guilt. mother in law in turn got a fast lesson in how passive-aggressive can backfire when you try to use it on a confident, strong-willed person.
(by the way, my example above with the Chinese food was pure hypothetical, it was NOT mother in law).

Because sis-in-law grew up with a passive-aggressive mother, she was unfortunately ripe for exploitation by a passive-aggressive husband. And he is the way he is because he learned it from his mother's knee. Sis-in-law in turn has learned to use passive-aggressive as her own coping skill. Thankfully she isn't as over-the-top with is as her husband and his mother. But dealing with sis-in-law plus her husband at the same time - migraine material.

I think the reason this thread has hit a note with me is due to their recent visit for easy child's wedding, when I was observing their interactions a lot more than usual (and playing a few quiet little mind games of my own). I think I now have a better understanding of brother in law now - less an ogre, more a nervous, insecure man who uses passive-aggressive techniques when feeling off-balance or threatened. He HAS to be the centre of attention, he HAS to know everything and be considered the fount of all knowledge, and anyone challenging any of this in his mind is deliberately doing it to undermine his authority, and therefore that person becomes an intense focus for hostility, but in a subtle, undermining way.

Several ways to cope with this - my favourite is to try to stay below his radar. I'm not so insecure that I need to takeaway his position at the pinnacle. Besides, it's lonely at the top.

Marg
 

Mattsmom277

Active Member
My mother (and brother) are the epitomy of this.

I can't count the times we had conversations such as:

(While trying to arrange a family gathering, a good date for it, what kind of food, buffet or full meal etc)

Mom: I don't have much on my calendar since I don't work. Everyone else is always so busy and rushed with sucessful careers, spouses and children and friends and social calendars and volunteer work etc. You all decide what will work for all of you in terms of the date and I'll be there. I shouldn't have any input since I live alone and really, you and the kids don't visit often or make plans far ahead of time, mostly last minute. I find it likely whatever date fits into the schedules for all of you will work just fine for me.

Me: (swallowing my desire to rip into her pity trip disguised as geniune caring that the date works for everyone) Okay then. How about food mom? Do you think that we should have a potluck, everyone brings something. Or should we all pitch in to make a proper sit down dinner? What do you think? What would you enjoy?

Mom: (After pondering it for some time as if its a serious dilemma and must be properly considered with pros and cons etc) Well I certainly would prefer a sit down proper family dinner. It is so rare for me to have a proper meal with any of the family since everyone is so busy doing this and that, all of it important, more important than dinner with me which we can do at these get togethers anyhow. But I'm sure it would be much simpler for everyone else to do potluck. They don't have to commit to an entire day together to prepare a big meal, which saves them juggling too much of their schedules. I'm sure they can either throw something together quickly to contribute, or they can pop into a grocery store and get some precooked/ ready made salads or whatnot and take up even less of their time they need to get work done or whatever. So I'd say everyone else will prefer potluck.

---------------------
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! With my mother and brother it ALWAYS goes like that. We in the end always just made plans that indeed did work for everyone and would then give her details along with an invite. Much less drama that way. None of my family, myself and my kids included, have any contact with my mother or my brother any longer. While I miss feeling I had a family, I sure don't miss this constant barrage.

I'm stunned at all the stories here! Seems we all have someone like this in our lives. I know we all do some level of this type of thing from time to time, probably dont' even know it is what we are doing. But some take it to a new level, it rounds out their entire world and all of their contacts. Yuck!
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Marg -

The best way to handle this is to do exactly what I wrote. lol.......and then sit in the corner. I brought some home made limnocello and scones.

My xmil was the QUEEN of the ROYAL MARTYRS. I used to write QRM as an abbreviation for anything I sent her. She never figured it out.

But then again - I sent an anonymous Mothers Day card to my Xfil for YEARs....Among my favorites the front said:

TO A REAL MOTHER.....

The greeting card companies were working with ideas for step parents and adoptive/foster parents.

I could have scribbled in a word after Mother - but I think he got the point. Year after year I sent them until we divorced
 
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