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past the end of my rope
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 382232" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>If he's stealing food - why does he do this? Have you been able to work it out? Is he really getting hungry and sneaking more than he really has room for? (it's sort of like, 'you should never shop on an empty stomach' because you'll buy far more than you really need) or is this just some sort of compulsion to not allow others to have these snacks?</p><p></p><p>I'm thinking, this could be more down the compulsion road. In which case, having the stuff around but unavailable, is torture for him. Since everyone else is missing out anyway, you may as well not get the stuff in the first place. Or if you do, you buy it and share it around immediately. Then when it is gone, it is gone. No more until next time you buy it.</p><p>For example - when we do our grocery shopping, it is in a store that is 40 minutes' drive form where we live. So I can't buy ice cream there, or most other frozen foods. BUT - a very special ice cream bar (Aussie-made), one of our favourites, comes in a 4-pack. So if there happen to be four of us shopping together (me, mother in law, husband & difficult child 3) I will buy one pack, and immediately share it. In the supermarket these ice creams are half the price they would be from a takeaway food store. So we get the treat, but we all get to share at the same time. It is a valuable lesson for an otherwise egocentric difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Otherwise - stop buying stuff, if it gets raided.</p><p></p><p>We had to go through this. easy child was actually the worst culprit, but she was very skilled at ensuring the blame was difficult to apportion. She muddied the waters very effectively, so we weren't sure which kid was stealing snacks. We had begun buying the snacks as lunchbox treats for school, but they were often long gone before next shopping day. So I simply stopped buying them. I also stopped making biscuits & cakes. There was of course always food available, but it was one 'real' food. I would grill sausages and leave them, cooked, on a plate in the fridge. Carrot sticks and celery sticks were in a sealed container in the fridge. Everyone could help themselves but there was one BIG rule - eat all you want, but eat all you take. Do not waste it. One other rule we worked towards - eat all you want, but when the last is eaten, TELL MUM so stock can be replenished.</p><p></p><p>Doing it this way meant that the kids would fill up on 'meal' food and not junk. If they were hungry at 4 pm and ate two sausages, a carrot and a celery stick, then at 7 pm were not hungry and refused dinner, I didn't worry. They had already eaten dinner.</p><p></p><p>Dessert - if it gets sneaked, then the whole family has to miss out. Or you can make something and serve it all, immediately. For example, I sometimes cook fresh pineapple. Dipped in brown sugar, pan-fried in a little bit of butter in a non-stick pan until it caramelises, then a splash of rum (if you want - flambe it for visual effect) and finish with a splash of either real cream or coconut cream to make a butterscotch sauce. It's an instant dessert. The thing with pineapple - if you have it around, raw, then you can't et too much because the digestive enzymes do things to your mouth. But cooking it removes this, but if the only cooked pineapple is what you have cooked and then you serve it all, then it can't get sneaked. Not much of it, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Kids can do without luxuries if they have to. So can we. It's often easier than locking up food.</p><p></p><p>Another important point - teen boys (often it starts in pre-teen years) even more than girls, get the munchies. Badly. I've seen it with friends' kids as well as my own. having good food available freely means that when they HAVE to eat because they are irritable and hypoglycemic, the food is there. No fast sugar hits, though. And go easy on the comfort food (mashed potato, or crisps). A grilled sausage is a good protein hit and can be eaten cold. Same goes for salad sandwiches. But when a boy gets hungry, it's often too late to grill the sausage then. He has to eat NOW. It's teen hormones to blame and it can be scary how hard and fast it hits. It just doesn't seem to happen like this with girls.</p><p></p><p>If the food is openly, freely available then he doesn't have to sneak it. Make him be open, but do not criticise at all. Instead, ask him to let you know how much is left, so you can ensure supplies are maintained. However, if he is deliberately eating it all because it is there, you will need to find to why this is happening. He himself needs to get out of that habit. It can come form fear that the supply will dry up (so if I eat it all now, I won't have missed out). It's the lion syndrome, I call it. Lions will kill for a meal then eat as much as they can, because once they stop eating, other animals move in and the lion can't come back to finish it later. So the lions gorge themselves in order to capitalise on the food they have. It can be a long time between successful hunts, for a lion. The way to begin to ease this off, is to make food more available, but also make it clear that it is only healthy food. And the food can be easily replaced, ONCE YOU KNOW IT NEEDS TO BE.</p><p></p><p>Teen boys are very immediate. I want it now. I eat it now. I forget to tell mum we need more because I've eaten now and I'm not hungry again right now. Very frustrating.</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others who posted - your mother has done a lot of damage and can't be allowed to undermine you any more. Make it clear to her - YOU are his mother, if someone had undermined her, how would she have felt? It is not acceptable. But I don't think that alone is responsible for your problems with him. I also think some look at Asperger's is worth considering. We can't diagnose here, but we can say, "This sounds familiar."</p><p></p><p>I know you've read a lot of books, but the ones suggested are the ones that have worked for people here. We don't recommend books lightly. Also, to begin your consideration of Aspie possibilities, do the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a>. Regardless of how he scores (and run it on his bio-dad too) you can print out the results and show the doctor, ask his opinion. Only the doctors who see your son can diagnose, but the online test can give some clues.</p><p></p><p>Welcome. Sorry you need us, but glad to have you join us.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 382232, member: 1991"] If he's stealing food - why does he do this? Have you been able to work it out? Is he really getting hungry and sneaking more than he really has room for? (it's sort of like, 'you should never shop on an empty stomach' because you'll buy far more than you really need) or is this just some sort of compulsion to not allow others to have these snacks? I'm thinking, this could be more down the compulsion road. In which case, having the stuff around but unavailable, is torture for him. Since everyone else is missing out anyway, you may as well not get the stuff in the first place. Or if you do, you buy it and share it around immediately. Then when it is gone, it is gone. No more until next time you buy it. For example - when we do our grocery shopping, it is in a store that is 40 minutes' drive form where we live. So I can't buy ice cream there, or most other frozen foods. BUT - a very special ice cream bar (Aussie-made), one of our favourites, comes in a 4-pack. So if there happen to be four of us shopping together (me, mother in law, husband & difficult child 3) I will buy one pack, and immediately share it. In the supermarket these ice creams are half the price they would be from a takeaway food store. So we get the treat, but we all get to share at the same time. It is a valuable lesson for an otherwise egocentric difficult child. Otherwise - stop buying stuff, if it gets raided. We had to go through this. easy child was actually the worst culprit, but she was very skilled at ensuring the blame was difficult to apportion. She muddied the waters very effectively, so we weren't sure which kid was stealing snacks. We had begun buying the snacks as lunchbox treats for school, but they were often long gone before next shopping day. So I simply stopped buying them. I also stopped making biscuits & cakes. There was of course always food available, but it was one 'real' food. I would grill sausages and leave them, cooked, on a plate in the fridge. Carrot sticks and celery sticks were in a sealed container in the fridge. Everyone could help themselves but there was one BIG rule - eat all you want, but eat all you take. Do not waste it. One other rule we worked towards - eat all you want, but when the last is eaten, TELL MUM so stock can be replenished. Doing it this way meant that the kids would fill up on 'meal' food and not junk. If they were hungry at 4 pm and ate two sausages, a carrot and a celery stick, then at 7 pm were not hungry and refused dinner, I didn't worry. They had already eaten dinner. Dessert - if it gets sneaked, then the whole family has to miss out. Or you can make something and serve it all, immediately. For example, I sometimes cook fresh pineapple. Dipped in brown sugar, pan-fried in a little bit of butter in a non-stick pan until it caramelises, then a splash of rum (if you want - flambe it for visual effect) and finish with a splash of either real cream or coconut cream to make a butterscotch sauce. It's an instant dessert. The thing with pineapple - if you have it around, raw, then you can't et too much because the digestive enzymes do things to your mouth. But cooking it removes this, but if the only cooked pineapple is what you have cooked and then you serve it all, then it can't get sneaked. Not much of it, anyway. Kids can do without luxuries if they have to. So can we. It's often easier than locking up food. Another important point - teen boys (often it starts in pre-teen years) even more than girls, get the munchies. Badly. I've seen it with friends' kids as well as my own. having good food available freely means that when they HAVE to eat because they are irritable and hypoglycemic, the food is there. No fast sugar hits, though. And go easy on the comfort food (mashed potato, or crisps). A grilled sausage is a good protein hit and can be eaten cold. Same goes for salad sandwiches. But when a boy gets hungry, it's often too late to grill the sausage then. He has to eat NOW. It's teen hormones to blame and it can be scary how hard and fast it hits. It just doesn't seem to happen like this with girls. If the food is openly, freely available then he doesn't have to sneak it. Make him be open, but do not criticise at all. Instead, ask him to let you know how much is left, so you can ensure supplies are maintained. However, if he is deliberately eating it all because it is there, you will need to find to why this is happening. He himself needs to get out of that habit. It can come form fear that the supply will dry up (so if I eat it all now, I won't have missed out). It's the lion syndrome, I call it. Lions will kill for a meal then eat as much as they can, because once they stop eating, other animals move in and the lion can't come back to finish it later. So the lions gorge themselves in order to capitalise on the food they have. It can be a long time between successful hunts, for a lion. The way to begin to ease this off, is to make food more available, but also make it clear that it is only healthy food. And the food can be easily replaced, ONCE YOU KNOW IT NEEDS TO BE. Teen boys are very immediate. I want it now. I eat it now. I forget to tell mum we need more because I've eaten now and I'm not hungry again right now. Very frustrating. I agree with the others who posted - your mother has done a lot of damage and can't be allowed to undermine you any more. Make it clear to her - YOU are his mother, if someone had undermined her, how would she have felt? It is not acceptable. But I don't think that alone is responsible for your problems with him. I also think some look at Asperger's is worth considering. We can't diagnose here, but we can say, "This sounds familiar." I know you've read a lot of books, but the ones suggested are the ones that have worked for people here. We don't recommend books lightly. Also, to begin your consideration of Aspie possibilities, do the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on [url]www.childbrain.com[/url]. Regardless of how he scores (and run it on his bio-dad too) you can print out the results and show the doctor, ask his opinion. Only the doctors who see your son can diagnose, but the online test can give some clues. Welcome. Sorry you need us, but glad to have you join us. Marg [/QUOTE]
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