Patience is a virtue?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mandy, Jul 1, 2009.

  1. Mandy

    Mandy Parent In Training

    How do you keep your patience in check with your difficult child? I am really soul searching lately trying to come up with this answer. Most of the time my patience is great but sometimes I get so frustrated I want to run away and hide from him.

    Then of course I feel guilty for feeling this way:sad-very: I am really good about trying to stay calm to diffuse the situation but sometimes I just feel like screaming!!

    Do you have any mental tricks to help with this frustration and stress?? I just want to be able to cope with these constant feelings of parental failure! Any help from those veteran parents would be greatly appreciated!!
  2. Anaheimfan

    Anaheimfan Blue Collar Boy

    The best advice I ever got on this site about patience and dealing with the stress is to detatch, detatch, detatch.
  3. lizanne2

    lizanne2 New Member

    It is truly very hard sometimes.......
    Detach detach....
    If no person or animal is gettting hurt, the rest can be fixed. At home, I fold laundry. It puts me in the corner and gives my hands something to do. And I sing a silly song in my head.....usually something Billy Joel.

    It is harder when I am out.................other people want to get involved. My standard answer is-----"He is so unhappy when he does this" Kind of refocuses the crowd.

    Except when the threaten to call DYFS--then I say --"Please, I could use the break"

    Hang in there!
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Detachment is not easy but it's necessary when living with one or more difficult children. I have this artsy-craftsy thing I do. Or I read. I try to ignore them during that time. It's not always possible!

    I also volunteer for Relay For Life, so during the season, when we have meetings, I have somewhere to go once a month all evening. Plus I belong to a book club on Mondays. Interestingly, I joined to take difficult child 1 because she was into the Twilight series - I have been going for over a year and she has gone three times...
  5. haywire_house

    haywire_house New Member

    I could have written that EXACT paragraph myself.
    Hello! I am brand-new to this forum and this is a Godsend to me.
    I feel so alone in all of this. I have the same question here.
    I am struggling badly dealing with my VERY ODD/ADHD 16 year old & my patience with him is completely worn out! Expecially since Summer started and I am currently layed off. Its to the point I don't even want to talk to him at all -- we just end up fighting.

    I am currently reading the book "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child".
    by the way, what is difficult child stand for? I apologize for butting in to the post.

    38 - Single mom, PTSD, Anxiety/Panic, Depression
    16 year old son -- very ODD/ADHD, putting me at my wits end
    13 year old son -- mild ADHD
    1 dog
    1 cat
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    While I am really on board with detachment, you can't detach from a five year old. He's too young. I think, more than that, read "The Explosive Child" and detach from certain situations and put them into "Basket C." Decide what is worth reacting to and what isn't. I am also a fan of continuing to look for the causes of behaviors, since so many times younger kids are misdiagnosed. I would get a neuropsychologist evaluation now and update his evaluation every year or two as he gets older. The better handle you have on him, the more control of the situation you will have. There is nothing set in stone that indicates he has a mood disorder for certain. This is the doctor's best guess so far and if the treatment isn't working, I'd keep looking. Which is why you can't detach from a five year old.
    When your kids are older, if they are still problems, then you have no choice but to detach or go crazy.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    One thing I do is ALWAYS keep something on the calendar to look forward to, and when the going gets tough, I focus on that. It can be an evening out with friends, visiting family, a weekend camping trip, just so I have something to hold out for. Works for me.
  8. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    I try to detach but I am never good at it, and difficult child knows this and uses it. So I take a short walk, eat chocolate sometimes I cry. I have a strong believe that I am a good parent, that the problem is not in me. I have often thought that I would prefer it to be poor parenting skills, because that is the one thing I could change. But, no mater how many parenting classes I take, difficult child is still a difficult child. It helps to learn how to take mini-breaks. (I'm not going to pick him up just yet, I am going to stand in the yard and enjoy the Sun for 10 mins.)
  9. Mandy

    Mandy Parent In Training

    Thank you, for all your responses!! It is so good knowing that I am not alone in this.

    I think I am going through a rough patch because I just started staying home with difficult child in March after working full-time simply because we ran out of options for him.

    School doesnt start until August and I find myself so EXCITED to have those 3-4 hours without him ( 1/2 day kindergarten)! I feel horrible because I should be excited to be home with my kids for the summer but we are a little trapped because I have to plan any activities VERY carefully according to what kind of day we are having.

    I love aerong's comment about parenting skills because I always felt before how some parents with horrible parenting skills have children much better behaved than my difficult child. That was before I knew of course that it wasnt just a terrible toddler phase;)

    I am really glad my post helped someone else too! I think the best thing about this site is knowing there are other parents going through the same issues. Oh, and difficult child is "Gift from God"

    I was fairly certain about our diagnosis due to his textbook manic & mixed episodes but of course as we go through each medication sometimes I doubt everything.

    I still think he could have Asperger's even though when tested she said a part of the test usually lacking in these children where fine w him. I also sometimes wonder if its Schizophrenia but he doesnt quite fit right now.

    We have a re-evaluation once he is 6 since his first one was done at 4 1/2 to see how he is once his brain develops the frontal lobe.

    It's all so complicated, isn't it...

    I know I need some time away but right now it is near impossible due to husband's crazy work schedule. I think all of you just validating my feelings has helped me feel so much better.

    Thank you all so much for the responses! I've read tons of books (when I can) but it still isn't the same as hearing good advice from real parents!:D
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The patience thing is so difficult. I try to remind myself that getting mad and screaming only escalates the situation which I definitely don't want to happen. In the summer we try to get difficult child involved with lots of camps. He is happier and we are so much more ready to be with him on the nights and weekends. I also try to do some detaching but it is hard, I'm working on it though.
  11. BestICan

    BestICan This community rocks.

    My current way to find patience is to think of his more annoying behaviors as "symptoms." I'll say to husband, "His symptoms are very bad tonight." It's just semantics, sure, but it does help to put certain behaviors in perspective, and remind myself that he really does not have full control.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I stunk worse than a 9yo boys feet at this for the LONGEST time. It was really hard for me.

    I eventually learned some things. One was to pick my battles. It was easy to hear someone say this and hard to figure out how to let minor things slide.

    The book, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene has some excellent tools. I strongly suggest reading it, and the author has a new book out and I also recommend that one. In The Explosive Child the author talks about sorting things into baskets. BasketA is the stuff you simply can NOT tolerate and will do anything to stop. It is for the really important things, like hurting yourself or others. Then there is Basket B. It contains those things you don't like and want to change. They will move to A when you have the desired behaviors in A established firmly.

    After that you have Basket C. It is the non-important stuff, stuff you will just bite your tongue over. Clothing comes in this basket for me, as long as the "B's" are covered - you know, booty, boobs, bras, all those things! stains on their clothes, looking unkempt, hairstyle, if thank you wants to watch tv while standing on his head on the couch, all that stuff.

    Basket C should have more items in it. Basket A should have just 1 or 2, MAYBE 3 items. For us Basket A had medication compliance (aka taking his medications), no drug, alcohol or tobacco use, and do not hurt anyone. Not even yourself (Wiz was cutting for a while.)

    These are all great ideas. But when you are seeing red, steam is coming out your ears or is about to, etc... is going on, THAT is when it is HARD to stick with the "baskets".

    I finally was given a book written for moms about anger. It described the physical sensations that occur when you start to get angry. It talks about how to handle it. It even talks about what to do after you lose your call and act like an idiot. I was able to identify my level of anger based on the PHYSICAL symptoms I was feeling. Rather than work on controlling my anger after it appeared, or I lost control and yelled, I learned to stop before I got angry.

    The book is called "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing With Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill and here is a link to the book on : The price ranges from just ofer $10 to used at a starting price of under $4. It turned my behavior around and really gave me tools to handle it.

    Time out for MOM also works. I would tell the kids I needed time out and they could do A, B or C until it was a certain time. It kept me sane at times!

    Gentle hugs to you! Remember If Momma Isn't Happy, NO ONE is Happy.
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Someone (can't remember who) commented on detaching from a 5 year old ~ that would be harmful.

    Remember, you are not detaching from the child, but from the behaviors. You're not allowing yourself to be sucked into the "antics" of your difficult child at that moment.

    You'll do well if you find that outlet while your difficult child is acting out. I frequently step out on my front porch & watch the world go by for a few minutes or sit down at my piano, turn off the difficult child noise & create some of my own.
  14. deedee123456

    deedee123456 Guest

    I have a daugher, who is 13 years of age. She has been driving us crazy since she was 2. She argues with everything you say. My husband and I just ignore her now. We have all are fights in all the baskets. We have run out of baskets. I have been giving her the silent treatment. This is day 4. She does not miss me. She is acting so tuff. She thinks she is fine.
  15. Mandy

    Mandy Parent In Training

    Thank you for the book suggestion, I am definitly checking that one out at the library next time we go!

    I have just started at night when I am going to bed thinking about all the days events and how I can respond better to all the situations.

    I think this is helping because I am building little "tricks" for me and difficult child to help with some of his "symptoms" which I think in time will help;)

    Thanks again for letting me know I am not alone!!
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Of course you are not alone!!! You think our generation invented the difficult child?

    Imagine how Cain and Abel's parents felt!!!

    I think you are on the right track. It will take time but you WILL get there. Just for now start paying attention to the set of your jaw, are your teeth clenching? Shoulders tight? Voice getting louder? If so, take a mental break and focus on relaxing those things. Even just that can truly help.

    I always felt better when I imagined my Gma raising my Dad, or father in law raising husband. Or even my parents raising my gfgbro (I was a good kid, not a difficult child. But I had my moments too! But of COURSE I never caused a moment of stress in my parents, LOL!!!)

    Just that makes me feel less alone.